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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Has PND?

56 replies

pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 18:07

I think my husband has post natal depression. Our DS was born just over a year ago and DH is so, so miserable. He’s tired, he’s irritable, lost so much weight, loads of headaches, sleeping badly. He’s going to the doctor for help, but I feel so helpless in the meantime.

He is so sad looking and rejects everything I do for him. Or maybe he’s fallen out of love with me? I don’t know.

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

OP posts:
OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 18:37

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

This just sounds like emotional abuse I'm afraid. Are you aware that abuse often starts or worsens after the birth of a baby, when they think you're more reliant on them and will find it harder to leave? So you have support?

user1471886287 · 22/12/2023 19:17

My husband is like this too, I think he is depressed. Its very though, I feel your pain OP

WorriedMum231 · 22/12/2023 19:19

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 18:37

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

This just sounds like emotional abuse I'm afraid. Are you aware that abuse often starts or worsens after the birth of a baby, when they think you're more reliant on them and will find it harder to leave? So you have support?

What on earth are you filling OPs head with? The man’s depressed and putting on a show for others, he’s not emotionally abusive. He’s going to the GP to get help. Jesus. A man is depressed and we call him abusive? No wonder the suicide rate is so high.

It’s extremely common for people to mask their depression, what you’ve suggested is awful.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:28

He doesn't have PND. He wasn't pregnant, didn't give birth, hasn't had the rollercoaster of hormones and the experience of labour. So no, he doesn't have PND. Only females can have PND.

He may be depressed, but he also sounds like he's able to step up with other people. So why not you? If he can make an effort with others, why not for you? Being cold and unkind towards you is not okay.

Whether that comes from depression, or he's just being a dick, in a sense it doesn't matter.

You do not have to accept it. It's not okay to treat you that way, and you really don't have to accept it.

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 19:35

Rejecting everything one's partner does, being cold and being unkind are NOT symptoms of depression. Being depressed doesn't turn you into an arse.

Common symptoms of depression are anhedonia (not being able to enjoy anything), persistent low mood (not mood swings, or being moody with your partner), insomnia (which the OP does mention), being irritable (which the OP does mention, though only in relation to herself and not anyone else), aches (yes), changes in weight (yes), slow movements (no), constipation (no), isolating oneself socially (no), not taking interest in usual pastimes (no), tearfulness (no), feeling guilty (no), finding it hard to make decisions (no) etc etc.

He may very well be depressed, OP may have not mentioned some of his symptoms, but depression does not explain or cause or excuse his treatment of her.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/12/2023 19:37

He might be depressed but he doesn't have PND as he didn't give birth.

Original poster
pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 19:44

Thank you all for your input, his mood is generally low, he isn’t enjoying what he normally would. PND or otherwise, I think he’s probably depressed and I’m really glad he’s going to the GP for help.

In the interim, my question is really - is it normal to mask depression with most people and the mask slip with loved ones?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 22/12/2023 19:47

pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 19:44

Thank you all for your input, his mood is generally low, he isn’t enjoying what he normally would. PND or otherwise, I think he’s probably depressed and I’m really glad he’s going to the GP for help.

In the interim, my question is really - is it normal to mask depression with most people and the mask slip with loved ones?

Only abusive arseholes.

Neriah · 22/12/2023 19:48

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 18:37

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

This just sounds like emotional abuse I'm afraid. Are you aware that abuse often starts or worsens after the birth of a baby, when they think you're more reliant on them and will find it harder to leave? So you have support?

Please outline your (non- existent) medical qualifications?

snazzychair · 22/12/2023 19:53

I think we shouldn't underestimate the impact on a baby for men too. Yes women go through a hell of a lot but it's also a big change for men.

Did you have a traumatic birth? How has the last year been? Do you both talk about what's going on? Having a baby changes a lot and it's good that your husband is seeing the GP. No idea if it's PND, I'm not a doctor.

Has he been checked for anything? Any blood tests? Thyroid check?

Neriah · 22/12/2023 19:54

pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 19:44

Thank you all for your input, his mood is generally low, he isn’t enjoying what he normally would. PND or otherwise, I think he’s probably depressed and I’m really glad he’s going to the GP for help.

In the interim, my question is really - is it normal to mask depression with most people and the mask slip with loved ones?

Please ignore the vile posters who think male depression doesn't exist. They are part of the reason why male suicides are so high.

Yes, masking often slips with trusted people, and with those you spend more time with. You know him. Trust your judgement.

WorriedMum231 · 22/12/2023 19:55

pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 19:44

Thank you all for your input, his mood is generally low, he isn’t enjoying what he normally would. PND or otherwise, I think he’s probably depressed and I’m really glad he’s going to the GP for help.

In the interim, my question is really - is it normal to mask depression with most people and the mask slip with loved ones?

Yes. Very much so. I used to do it a lot.

WorriedMum231 · 22/12/2023 19:55

Neriah · 22/12/2023 19:54

Please ignore the vile posters who think male depression doesn't exist. They are part of the reason why male suicides are so high.

Yes, masking often slips with trusted people, and with those you spend more time with. You know him. Trust your judgement.

Show quote history

I second this. Some of the responses on here have just been horrendous.

ActDottie · 22/12/2023 19:57

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 18:37

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

This just sounds like emotional abuse I'm afraid. Are you aware that abuse often starts or worsens after the birth of a baby, when they think you're more reliant on them and will find it harder to leave? So you have support?

Couldn’t disagree more!!!!

I have depression but my friends would say I’m one of the happiest upbeat people they know! I mask it very well around those who are not family!

Your comment is so ignorant!

ActDottie · 22/12/2023 19:59

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:28

He doesn't have PND. He wasn't pregnant, didn't give birth, hasn't had the rollercoaster of hormones and the experience of labour. So no, he doesn't have PND. Only females can have PND.

He may be depressed, but he also sounds like he's able to step up with other people. So why not you? If he can make an effort with others, why not for you? Being cold and unkind towards you is not okay.

Whether that comes from depression, or he's just being a dick, in a sense it doesn't matter.

You do not have to accept it. It's not okay to treat you that way, and you really don't have to accept it.

Men can get postnatal depression too…

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/

nhs.uk

Postnatal depression

Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem. Depression in pregnancy (antenatal depression) is also common.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/

hobbitonthehill · 22/12/2023 20:01

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 18:37

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

This just sounds like emotional abuse I'm afraid. Are you aware that abuse often starts or worsens after the birth of a baby, when they think you're more reliant on them and will find it harder to leave? So you have support?

You are a problem !!!

Elphamouche · 22/12/2023 20:02

Some of the comments! Jesus Christ.

He definitely sounds depressed to me, and yes, usually those closest will bear the brunt because they can be themselves in front of you without having to put on a brave face.

I hope the GP helps. There’s some online CBT stuff that my husband uses for anxiety and it is really good.

C1N1C · 22/12/2023 20:11

You basically described my partner.

I get it, I really do. Depression at home is so hard to live with, and it gets to the stage where you actually resent their friends because they see this cheerful, fun, 'fake' person, and when they're home you get the snappy, distant, cold, abusive version.

It's hard seeing how they are compared to who you fell in love with... It's hard knowing that whatever you do, they push away, shrug off, or reject any attempts...

You become their punching bag because, as others have said, the mask comes off at home. I wish I had the answer, as I wake up every day not knowing what word will set them off, or conversely what efforts I make that will be ignored and just responded to with blank stares and apathy.

Following more for other advice too :).

Haffiana · 22/12/2023 20:15

I would be interested to hear from any women -or men - here who have had actual depression and who used their partner as a 'punchbag'.

rwalker · 22/12/2023 20:19

contrary to some replies as with most MH illness the people nearest take the brunt of it

user1471886287 · 22/12/2023 20:22

sounds like she means emotional punch bag not actual punchbag @Haffiana

user1471886287 · 22/12/2023 20:23

My husband is exactly the same, I’m at a loss too - it’s very difficult @C1N1C

bellac11 · 22/12/2023 20:26

Men do get post natal depression, they are diagnosed with it and Ive worked with several men who have been diagnosed with it and also adopters who have been diagnosed with it.

He does need to see a GP

DramaAlpaca · 22/12/2023 20:33

WorriedMum231 · 22/12/2023 19:55

Yes. Very much so. I used to do it a lot.

Show quote history

Yes, me too. I had post natal depression and I could be OK out of the house (I'd make myself go out for the DC's sake) then fall apart when I got home.

MoreThanRubies · 22/12/2023 20:53

My husband has been affected by depression, starting when our child was born. I definitely see the worst of it, in a way that’s not visible to those outside. However, while it causes me worry and can be scary to see at times, he’s never anything but loving and gentle to me, if that makes sense. Depression in new dads is a legit thing and it’s great - vital even - that he’s getting help. You are valuable too and you need support - find a friend you can talk to, or call someone like CALM or Care For The Family. It’s hard supporting a partner with MH problems, so don’t think you need to do it alone.

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