Husband Has PND?

[pizzapicnic]

I think my husband has post natal depression. Our DS was born just over a year ago and DH is so, so miserable. He’s tired, he’s irritable, lost so much weight, loads of headaches, sleeping badly. He’s going to the doctor for help, but I feel so helpless in the meantime.

He is so sad looking and rejects everything I do for him. Or maybe he’s fallen out of love with me? I don’t know.

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

Yeah, the brunt for sure as they are with them the most, but I would still like to hear from someone who has had depression who took it out in an abusive fashion on their partner.

My experience of living with someone with depression was that it was like living with someone who was on the other side of a very high wall. That was his description of his experience btw, and it was absolutely accurate for me too. That me and in fact the whole of the rest of life itself, was only heard very faintly.

He never raised his voice except sometimes a little in exasperation when he was unable to describe what he was feeling as he said he didn't feel anything. I certainly never felt I was walking on eggshells although I was worried witless about him and whether he would ever find his way back, and he certainly wasn't 'set off' by anything. Not even by me constantly trying to be helpful - I was on the other side of the wall. In fact I would have welcomed him being set off by something, anything. He was just so, so quiet and distant. Very compliant, polite, never argued, and equally never had a preference about anything. He was both there and absent. So no, he never took anything out on me and I was not an emotional punchbag whatsoever.

His work colleagues were all aware that something was wrong. His work itself was fine but he was clearly not. He didn't mask as a normal, engaged person or anything like that. One day he simply could not make himself go into work, and he didn't go back until he recovered over a year later.

My DH was like this. Lack of sleep and not being able to spend time doing all the things that helped his mental health before baby all contributed

Things that helped:
Socialising with friends.
Booking in some activities to look forward to.
Taking exercise.
Taking on responsibilities with the baby that could become his area of expertise.

Not every experience or illness is the same as your husbands
just because your husband was like that doesn’t mean thats the standard and every other person suffering presents in an identical way to your husband

Yes of course, but I am still waiting for someone who has actually suffered from diagnosed depression to state that it caused them to be abusive to their partner.

Some of the responses on here are awful, I'm so sorry OP.

Yes, my experience with PND was putting on a front for everyone else and taking it out on my DH. Eventually it got so bad I couldn't hide it from other people and my marriage was falling apart.

By that point I had no choice but go to my GP and get antidepressants and paid for private counselling.

Men can absolutely get PND, we are biologically programmed to care for the babies - the change in their lives is huge too.

Please encourage him to seek help.

edit posted too soon

Cripes, I think it’s quite offensive to equate PND to male “post natal” depression given women go through enormous physical and hormonal changes whereas men do not. I think some men just simply can’t bear they’re no longer the sole focus of attention and their wife has other things to do so get a bit antsy. Of course not saying this is always the case or even the case with the OPs husband but it can and does happen.

Theres a good chance he is depressed, which is awful and of course he needs to seek help and make the lifestyle changes he needs to help him, and it sounds like you are very supportive which is good.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, it’s pretty clear that everyone’s experience is different and ours will be too.

I’m not going to label him as abusive as I think he is a good man who is struggling with his mental health. What he is doing isn’t fair & I miss the man I married but if it is depression (which I think it most likely is) then it isn’t his fault. He’s doing the right thing by reaching out and hopefully after he has seen the doctor he’ll have the support he needs and things will begin to get back to normal.

Why on earth would you expect someone to do so just for your entertainment? You have already admitted that your single experience of living with a partner with depression is not the sum total of everyone elses lived experience. Do you honestly think something is to be gained by someone admitting that they were "abusive" to their partner whilst suffering from a mental illness? Or are you wanting to touch the blue light paper and watch as someone is ripped apart because they did admit it?

Sorry, but that's bollocks. It makes no sense. Men don't get pregnant, don't have any of the hormonal changes... I don't even know why I'm explaining this.

Men can get depressed after their wife has given birth? Sure.

But that's NOT post-natal depression. Frankly, it's insulting to women to suggest that men get this. It's not the same thing.

Post natal can be interpreted as the period after the birth of a child not that you actually birthed the child yourself

you can have depression after a bereavement does mean you can’t have that because you haven’t personally died

the causes of PND in women are physical,hormonal and psychological

the causes of PND in men are obviously just psychological

Its post natal depression because its in the period after the birth, thats what it refers to, its not about or even necessarily caused by hormonal changes

Adopters can get it too.

Why you think you know better than medics who actually diagnose this is odd

Yes, technically 'post-natal' refers to the period after birth - but until very recently, everyone understood that it's women who give birth and post natal and pre natal all refer to female experiences.

Then men decided that they weren't getting enough attention and wanted to be 'included' in female experiences, so they took PND and said it also means them. (And of course it's worse for them, and the attention should be mostly on them, right? Fuck these females who've just been through a traumatic pregnancy/labour/hormonal shitstorm. The men feel sad and left out.)

So if PND now just means, depression that you get after someone in your life gives birth, what is the word that means, the depression that some women get after giving birth? Because it's not the same thing, the origins and issues are not the same, the treatment is not the same. So using the same term is unhelpful at best, and cruel and invisibilising to new mothers at worst.

I completely disagree with posters who say he is masking. If someone is asking depression, then they can act bright and cheerful at work for instance, but be very depressed at home. However, her husband is cold and unkind to her. That is not a symptom of depression. That's a symptom of being a horrible person.

And I don't think we should be calling this postnatal depression, which is something that only women have. It might be depression after the birth of a child, but it is not PND.

Don't always judge others by your own lights. Not everyone has your emotional values or your thought processes.

It comes up so many times on this board that a woman or man is being abused by their partner who claims he has 'depression'.

It is a really hard burden living with someone who has a mental illness, but it is also fundamentally different from being deliberately abused. A partner can, of course, have depression and also be an abusive arsehole. Those of us who have been on this board for a long time know that unpicking that can be a process of revelation for the abused partner. So many women stay in an abusive relationship because they feel obliged to be supportive, particularly when a partner claims he is depressed.

Only the OP in this thread can know exactly what is going on in her relationship and it will help if she has some information from those who have experienced depression in their partners or in themselves. She has not actually stated anything that particularly suggests abuse to me, however other posters in this tread have stated that their depressed partners were abusive.

I personally have never heard from anyone who genuinely suffered from depression in whom the depression caused them to be abusive towards their partner. Difficult to live with, yes, for sure - but abusive? Hence my question.

You are the one judging others by your own lights here. What you personally have never heard of is probably legion. And there is no clear definition of "abusive" here either. And as you point out, there is also a question of intent. Mental illness can affect all sorts of behaviours.

I don't see any value for the OP in anyone responding to your prurient interest.

The Dr also needs to exclude any physical cause as headaches and weight loss could be a sign of any number of physical illnesses. And for anyone interested, they have shown that men’s testosterone levels can drop when they have a young baby in the home…an evolutionary response to damp down the greater tendency men have towards anger and impulsivity. Low testosterone can be associated with mood change.

You are the one judging others by your own lights here. What you personally have never heard of is probably legion.

"Legion??" Are you saying that people who suffer from depression are probably abusive? Really?

What is your basis for claiming that depression causes abuse?

Whatever label people want to put on this, whether abuse or PND or depression, you know that YOU don't have to live like this.

You are not his punchbag. You do not have to tolerate living like this whether the reason is MH or alcoholism or childhood trauma or drugs or gambling addiction or whatever it is.

So often, women live miserably and ruin their lives because they feel sorry for the man who is making them miserable. Please don't live like this.

From what you describe, whether the intention of your partner is to be abusive or not, what you are experiencing is impacting you the same as if it were deliberate.

You matter too and you don't need to spend your days or years with a man who treats you like this.

From personal experience, some men don't cope with their partners being more involved with a baby/less time for them. Add in less sex, less intimacy and some men fall into a semi permanent sulk.

Just be on your guard, OP. This may very well be depression and only a GP can diagnose that, but it could also be the start of a change in your relationship. If he engages with help, and is keen to improve then it's likely that things should change.

Whatever is wrong, however, there is no excuse if he's withdrawing from parenting actively/leaving you to it.

I think I’ll go with the opinion of the medical experts on this one. Thanks all the same.

I don’t doubt your DH has depression post natal or otherwise.

I’ve noticed locally where I live, in the past year, just before or after Easter and in early October two men I know (not very well but well enough, to say hello to and ask how they were) both took their own lives. One had suffered over Covid with depression and debt (he had his own business) which got worse. He has a wife and 2 children. The other man owned a local business and is a barista there. He’d apparently suffered from mental health issues and depression for a few years but was married with children. They were both in mid to late 40s. The second one didn’t know about the first man. The first man’s best male friend who lived locally had moved for a 2 year contract abroad and had kept in touch via phone and social media but they used to see each other a lot and cycle. I do think male mental health and especially at this age is ignored, or minimised. I also think that there is still a stigma around talking/therapy for men and there’s still very much when they do meet up to make out everything’s ok. These men were “new men” so used to helping out with childcare and housework and were great fathers.

Male depression does exist but that's not an excuse for him to be unkind to the mother of his baby. You have grown, raised and nurtured his child. He should be treating you well regardless of depression. It's good that he's seeking help though.

And no, I refuse to believe that men can get post natal depression. But the reality of having a child might be harder than he thought and making him experience negative emotions

Depression following the birth of a new baby in the family is not uncommon. It's important not to conflate with the hormonal (and neurological) PND or perinatal but will be yet another service that starts to have to centre men...

However, the point is, a man suddenly is no longer the centre of his partner's universe (in his mind he was before), he has to learn to think of someone else, and all the relationship shifting that goes on, as well as it inevitably stirs up anything unresolved about his own infancy and parental relationship. The latter really isn't thought about enough in antenatal classes I think. I think all of this can cause a previously supportive loving partner to become dysregulated and depressed and lash out because they have no idea what's happening to them really.

They aren't postnatal so it's not postnatal depression. I have no idea why the NHS would characterise reactive depression in men after the birth of a baby as postnatal depression because it's not.