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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband Has PND?

56 replies

pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 18:07

I think my husband has post natal depression. Our DS was born just over a year ago and DH is so, so miserable. He’s tired, he’s irritable, lost so much weight, loads of headaches, sleeping badly. He’s going to the doctor for help, but I feel so helpless in the meantime.

He is so sad looking and rejects everything I do for him. Or maybe he’s fallen out of love with me? I don’t know.

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

OP posts:

Isthisexpected · 23/12/2023 19:45

RowanMayfair · 23/12/2023 19:40

They aren't postnatal so it's not postnatal depression. I have no idea why the NHS would characterise reactive depression in men after the birth of a baby as postnatal depression because it's not.

Show quote history

Because (male dominated) society has to devalue the experience of matresence for the world to turn.

YRGAM · 23/12/2023 20:05

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 18:37

He seems to be able to pull it together for other people but then is just cold and unkind to me. Is this normal? Am I bearing the brunt because I’m the closest to him?

This just sounds like emotional abuse I'm afraid. Are you aware that abuse often starts or worsens after the birth of a baby, when they think you're more reliant on them and will find it harder to leave? So you have support?

What an awful, awful comment. You should be ashamed of yourself

3ofus3 · 23/12/2023 20:32

pizzapicnic · 22/12/2023 19:44

Thank you all for your input, his mood is generally low, he isn’t enjoying what he normally would. PND or otherwise, I think he’s probably depressed and I’m really glad he’s going to the GP for help.

In the interim, my question is really - is it normal to mask depression with most people and the mask slip with loved ones?

Absolutely.
Hope he gets the help he needs. X

Neriah · 24/12/2023 08:28

Haffiana · 23/12/2023 14:00

You are the one judging others by your own lights here. What you personally have never heard of is probably legion.

"Legion??" Are you saying that people who suffer from depression are probably abusive? Really?

What is your basis for claiming that depression causes abuse?

I said no such thing at all. You seem to have failed English comprehension. You are only here to have an argument.

There really needs to be an ignore button on MN.

Aishah231 · 24/12/2023 08:52

It sounds like he has found the early baby months hard and may well be depressed. I would say that's pretty common - and not PND. What's not acceptable is using you as a punch bag and not stepping up to help. Depression is not an excuse to be an arsehole.

DaveClifton · 24/12/2023 09:15

Hi Op,

11 years ago I could've written your post. Very shortly after our daughter was born my husband slid quickly into a very dark place. Lost a lot of weight, became withdrawn and uncommunicative and totally checked out of family life. At 6 weeks post partum I had enough as I needed support that he was unwilling (in hindsight, unable) to give and refused to see the GP. I moved out to live with my parents 3 hours away. In that time he eventually saw his GP and was diagnosed with severe depression. He was suicidal. He was signed off work and started antidepressants. He started to get on an even keel and I moved back home after a few months.

Fast forward 5 years, he was diagnosed with ASD which was a lightbulb moment for him (and me) in many ways. He's always felt like a square peg in a round hole, and big life changes are like a sledgehammer to him; he is much more prone to bouts of depression than neurotypical people.

I just wanted to share my experience- there is no excuse for you to be treated badly or be unsupported by your husband at this time, but sometimes there is a legitimate reason other than he's just an arsehole.

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