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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Xmas invite!

66 replies

Charlene46 · 22/12/2023 13:19

My sister in law invites us to her house for Xmas dinner either on Xmas eve or the evening of the 25th. However I’ve found out I’m pregnant and I get extremely sick / nauseous and weak in the evenings and so I’ve asked my husband if we could cancel. He’s told me that he has every intention of going with our 3 children and I can stay at home!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene46 · 22/12/2023 13:21

I should add I really want to spend xmas evening with the children but I know I’m not physically up to going. AIBU to think my husband should put my health first ?

OP posts:
runwithme · 22/12/2023 13:34

Do you need your husband? If you all cancel that's 5 people that she's catered for. Is there not a compromise?

Original poster
Charlene46 · 22/12/2023 13:38

It’s Xmas evening so I would like to be with my family and I’ve asked my husband since last week to change the plans.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 22/12/2023 13:40

Let them go and you can have a rest.

Like someone else said, she'll have spent a lot of money by now so it's a bit late to cancel really.

Original poster
Charlene46 · 22/12/2023 13:41

I really want to be with my boys on Xmas

OP posts:
Moltenpink · 22/12/2023 13:41

I think it’s just one evening, and they should go see their aunt. Sorry you’re not feeling well though

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 22/12/2023 13:42

You are being unreasonable. Stay home and rest. Let your husband and children visit family and have fun. It sounds like you want everyone to suffer because you are. I'm sure that's not what you mean, but that's what it looks like

tescocreditcard · 22/12/2023 13:42

And your husband really wants to be with his boys and his sister on Xmas.

ohtowinthelottery · 22/12/2023 13:42

But if you're nauseous and weak surely you'll just want to chill out/go to bed and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet whilst your husband takes the children out?

Sunshineboo · 22/12/2023 13:44

if she has spent a lot to host then they should go. are you sure there is nothing you can take to make the journey possible?

it's shit but it sounds as if it is really important to him.

is there family close by you could go to if not?

return2sender · 22/12/2023 13:45

Thing is, if you cancel, you'll spend the evening feeling guilty.

Original poster
Charlene46 · 22/12/2023 13:48

No I have no family close by and I don’t see why I should be spending Xmas on my own when I have a husband and 3 children. I asked for the plans to be charged a week ago so we could have gone at lunch time but husband refused point blank and he’s said it’s the evening like it or lump it basically.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 22/12/2023 13:51

You are being unreasonable, but you're in early pregnancy and it's a busy time, so it's understandable. As a fellow large family mum I feel for you. However.. please don't make this into a Big Thing when it needn't be. It's understandable that you want to spend Christmas evening with your kids, but other people have wants in this too, and have made plans, so why should your "want" override everybody else's? . If you're that unwell you wouldn't presumably be doing much in the evening anyway. It doesn't really make sense to screw up everyone else's plans when this isn't an emergency. Either go and have a evening off, or stay home, but let your kids enjoy these special occasions which cement their wider family connections.

Specso · 22/12/2023 13:52

Because there are 5 members of your family who all have needs and it’s not just about yours.

It’s fair enough that you don’t want to spend Christmas Eve on your own but it’s also not fair to expect everyone else to cancel plans they’re looking forward to just to suit you. Maybe they could come back a little earlier than planned as a compromise but you can’t expect to just have everything how you want and what suits you best.

Scarletttulips · 22/12/2023 13:55

The kids are off for two weeks, you’ll see plenty of them - plan Boxing Day evening -

Id be happy to stay home and not fill on entertain over tired over excited children.

StampOnTheGround · 22/12/2023 13:56

I agree with everyone that you're being unreasonable. If you're that bad you couldn't manage to go round too then you'll be miserable company for your family if they didn't go. That's the plans, let them go and have a good time without you and you rest at home!

pictoosh · 22/12/2023 14:00

Yabu and self-absorbed. Either go or let them go. ffs.

pictoosh · 22/12/2023 14:01

"Because there are 5 members of your family who all have needs and it’s not just about yours."

Yep. Stop being such a madam.

Indifferentchickenwings · 22/12/2023 14:22

Why not send them Xmas eve
you have a rest
then spend Xmas day together

unless there is a back story this seems a reasonable compromise

wouldn’t you like a kid free evening to rest and get ready for Xmas ?

return2sender · 22/12/2023 14:25

Charlene46 · 22/12/2023 13:48

No I have no family close by and I don’t see why I should be spending Xmas on my own when I have a husband and 3 children. I asked for the plans to be charged a week ago so we could have gone at lunch time but husband refused point blank and he’s said it’s the evening like it or lump it basically.

Why should they not spend it with their aunt? And cousins, I assume?

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas and don't particularly enjoy going round to my family's house, loads of kids running and shouting, but I get in the spirit and always come away thinking it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I would never dream of not going.

Cheer up. You are pregnant, you don't have a terminal illness. Enjoy people looking after you.

Is this a reverse?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 14:27

Pregnancy isn't an illness. Or are you going to opt out of life for 9 months?

MILTOBE · 22/12/2023 14:27

These responses are unbelievably cruel!

The OP is pregnant and wants a quiet Christmas at home with her family. You are all saying she's unreasonable and should stay in on her own. How is that fair on her?

MILTOBE · 22/12/2023 14:28

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 14:27

Pregnancy isn't an illness. Or are you going to opt out of life for 9 months?

Oh ffs. Do you know anything about pregnancy?

BalletBob · 22/12/2023 14:30

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 22/12/2023 14:27

Pregnancy isn't an illness. Or are you going to opt out of life for 9 months?

Ugh this old chestnut 🙄

Tell me, does it somehow feel better/easier for you to be fatigued and vomiting when the cause is pregnancy as opposed to a virus or something? Because it felt exactly the bloody same for me.

I expect OP's plan is to sensibly rest when she needs to, and carry on her normal activities the rest of the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2023 14:33

If you're going to sit on the sofa with a decaf coffe and watch the kids play, can you not do that at SILs? If you don't want to tell her about the baby tell her you're just tired.

If you're going to go to bed or insist the children sit quietly at home then if take advantage of the offer of rest and let them go

Does he have form for not caring about including you or your feeling? Do you have form for expecting everyone else to bend to what you want?