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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'friend' keeps trying to one-up me

71 replies

happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 11:21

Bit of a backstory, have to interact with this person because in a shared group situation. At the beginning they were all fake friendly with me, but then starting making subtle underhand comments, and even sent me a nasty put down text one day, which I just ignored. Ever since then 'friend' has tried to make an effort to get me to stay communicating with them (which I don't know why because they clearly have taken a dislike to me) but I just generally stay stoic, say hi, small talk, and that's it.

Anyway, in a group WhatsApp, which I don't want to leave because I really like the friends in common, this person always feels the need to comment straight after I've commented about something to someone else. İt's so annoying. I write something in response to something, and I always know 'this person's going to jump on straight away now and put their two cents in and undermine me' and then within seconds, they do. İ don't want to give details because it's outing sorry! Trying to share the gist of the situation as best as I can. I thought I was imagining it but then I decided to stay quiet in the group for a while and so did they. The moment I decided to come back into the group, they jump in. And it's always with a comment saying the opposite of what I've just said, or repeating what I've just said and trying to make it sound like they know better. Or sometimes even questioning me and my knowledge or something. İ know they wouldn't dare do it to my face, they just try and compete with me in a different way in person. I'm not a competitive person unless it's in a fun sports way or something, we have completely different lives ans backgrounds anyway, and there's nothing to compete for, but its so annoying. İt's never happened to me before either, I just try and get on with people, if they don't like me they generally stay away. What's with all this fake friend nonsense!

I'm just ranting really. I know Mumsnet can't solve my problem for me or make it go away, I have to put on my big girls knickers and just be stoic about it. But, garhh sometimes it really bugs me.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 22/12/2023 11:38

Have you heard the saying 'If I have been to Teneriffe, they have been to Eleveneriffe and it was hotter'? Keep asking her has she been to Eleveneriffe recently!

JazzyJogger · 22/12/2023 11:39

Block delete and ignore . If you see them on passing say hello and just keep moving.

MintJulia · 22/12/2023 11:42

It sounds like envy of your lifestyle to me, which is a bit sad. I'd just ignore it. Keep up with the non-description responses and let it wash over you.

Br1ll1ant · 22/12/2023 11:44

I read a book once, where the lead character’s mother in law was similarly rude all the time. The character shrugged and said ‘you see how that is?’ each time to those around her. It resonated as I think most people see how people are, and the others in the group probably do too. It’s winding you up, which is causing you pain. Not them. Let her be who she is and know that anyone with any savvy will realise how she is. It’s hard, but she’s not worth causing you stress.

I guess I’m saying this says much more about her than you.

Stresa22 · 22/12/2023 11:46

Call her out? As in, “Anna, do you have anything to add before I respond?” Then see what she does.

Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 11:47

Psychoticbreak · 22/12/2023 11:38

Have you heard the saying 'If I have been to Teneriffe, they have been to Eleveneriffe and it was hotter'? Keep asking her has she been to Eleveneriffe recently!

Ahahaha that's a good one. I might try it. I don't know if the conversation dynamic would allow it though, it's like she's clever and subtle with her one upmanship.

I can't block her, or could I? She would know, there'd be gaps in the conversation.

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 22/12/2023 11:51

I think I would use the 👍 emoji on everyone of her posts every time she did it. She will know that you know.

Mamette · 22/12/2023 11:54

I think I would just ignore her or react to her comments with a thumbs up.

As pps say, it will be perfectly obvious to everyone else so you don’t really need to do anything.

JazzyJogger · 22/12/2023 12:03

Br1ll1ant · 22/12/2023 11:44

I read a book once, where the lead character’s mother in law was similarly rude all the time. The character shrugged and said ‘you see how that is?’ each time to those around her. It resonated as I think most people see how people are, and the others in the group probably do too. It’s winding you up, which is causing you pain. Not them. Let her be who she is and know that anyone with any savvy will realise how she is. It’s hard, but she’s not worth causing you stress.

I guess I’m saying this says much more about her than you.

Someone did this to me at work once in front of a large group and it wasn't the first time . I said " See people , see what I put up with ? " He went down like a pricked ballon .

Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:04

Br1ll1ant · 22/12/2023 11:44

I read a book once, where the lead character’s mother in law was similarly rude all the time. The character shrugged and said ‘you see how that is?’ each time to those around her. It resonated as I think most people see how people are, and the others in the group probably do too. It’s winding you up, which is causing you pain. Not them. Let her be who she is and know that anyone with any savvy will realise how she is. It’s hard, but she’s not worth causing you stress.

I guess I’m saying this says much more about her than you.

Thank you!

I wish I could write more and more about what else they've done and how I've tried to deal with it, because I feel like the people have posted so far would totally get it, but it would be so so outing.

OP posts:
Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:08

MintJulia · 22/12/2023 11:42

It sounds like envy of your lifestyle to me, which is a bit sad. I'd just ignore it. Keep up with the non-description responses and let it wash over you.

Non descript reactions is so perfect!

I don't know what there is to be envious of. On paper her life is much more established than mine is. I've got a health condition so am usually pretty scruffy whilst I try to get my health back, and I can't do as much as most people. I make a big effort with the group to be as warm as possible, because I can't do much these days and social groups mean more when your life has become limited. Maybe my friendliness bothers her.

OP posts:
JazzyJogger · 22/12/2023 12:12

@happychristmas2023

She just sees you as a yardstick to measure herself by . It makes her feel good . I had a friend like this within a social group when I bought a house before she did she erupted . Her words were " what will the others think " . She admitted she had a life plan and mine was going to be vastly different from hers . She's just a human bloodsucker .

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 22/12/2023 12:18

There's nothing more passive aggressive than 👍 in the right circumstances and these are totally the right circumstances!

It gives you the last word, and she can't do a thing about it!!!

TheCatterall · 22/12/2023 12:21

I think I’d be finishing most my messages with “I’m sure Karen will be here in a second with a much better explanation or opposing view as always. 😜”

Others in the group will know. We saw similar happenings in a old friendship group we were in between certain folks. Carry on being you and ignore her attempts at whatever she feels she’s doing!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 12:35

Psychoticbreak · 22/12/2023 11:38

Have you heard the saying 'If I have been to Teneriffe, they have been to Eleveneriffe and it was hotter'? Keep asking her has she been to Eleveneriffe recently!

🤣🤣

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 12:37

I'd also say to other people separately have you noticed she keeps doing this? So their attention is drawn to it

Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:37

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 22/12/2023 12:18

There's nothing more passive aggressive than 👍 in the right circumstances and these are totally the right circumstances!

It gives you the last word, and she can't do a thing about it!!!

İ might do that next time but I also don't want to give her any satisfaction of thinking she's noticeable to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:43

TheCatterall · 22/12/2023 12:21

I think I’d be finishing most my messages with “I’m sure Karen will be here in a second with a much better explanation or opposing view as always. 😜”

Others in the group will know. We saw similar happenings in a old friendship group we were in between certain folks. Carry on being you and ignore her attempts at whatever she feels she’s doing!

Ahahaha I might try that but just keep it subtle and say I'm sure there's someone in the group who knows better though.

OP posts:
Roussette · 22/12/2023 12:46

There is nothing worse for a person like this, than not being acknowledged. She is trying to provoke a reaction in you, so don't let her!
Also, without a shadow of doubt, everyone else will have seen her stupid pathetic behaviour!

If she jumps in after you have commented to someone about something... just ignore her, and address another comment to the original person like she doesn't exist, it'll drive her mad!

Person 1: Has anyone tried Luigi's for pizzas in the High Street?
You: I have and its really good, do try the Salmon and rocket pizza, it's delicious
Annoying person: I've been, it's great but salmon on a pizza is always dry
You: Also, if you have time, get a drink at the bar, their Martinis are really reasonable

Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:48

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 12:37

I'd also say to other people separately have you noticed she keeps doing this? So their attention is drawn to it

İ did mention to one of my friends in private, the weird bitchy comment she had made to me out of thin air. The next week my friend bumped into this person and said she noticed the one-upmanship with her....but it was on a topic to do with me! Something had happened to me the night before and I'd asked the group for advice and the next day when they bumped into each other they spoke about my unfortunate situation. My friend said something about what time I had gotten home and then the woman echoed back the same comment but changed the time. All it was, was that I had replied to their messages of concern at different times to say 'İ'd just gotten home' -about half an hour between the two times, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
ChanelNo19EDT · 22/12/2023 12:51

I've been in this situation and the moment I called it out, I looked sensitive and she looked "attacked". It's stupid, I had put up with years of her fawning over everybody else in the group and reacting to me as though I'd said something inappropriate, obvious or boring.
I should have just stoically put up with it because I think now the narrative is that two difficult women couldn't get on. So unfair as I'd endured her for years.

Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:54

Roussette · 22/12/2023 12:46

There is nothing worse for a person like this, than not being acknowledged. She is trying to provoke a reaction in you, so don't let her!
Also, without a shadow of doubt, everyone else will have seen her stupid pathetic behaviour!

If she jumps in after you have commented to someone about something... just ignore her, and address another comment to the original person like she doesn't exist, it'll drive her mad!

Person 1: Has anyone tried Luigi's for pizzas in the High Street?
You: I have and its really good, do try the Salmon and rocket pizza, it's delicious
Annoying person: I've been, it's great but salmon on a pizza is always dry
You: Also, if you have time, get a drink at the bar, their Martinis are really reasonable

Ahahahaha that's exactly what I do. Still drives me equally mad though, that it's happening, so I guess I'm just sharing the madness with her.

I do wonder if anyone notices it on the group though. I doubt people have enough time to have spotted a pattern in the order of recital. I just keep thinking 'if I really wanted to keep competing with someone, why would I make it so obvious to that person!'.

I thinka pp got it right about me being her yard stick- I notice it's always when I have some knowledge on the subject or something really positive to share. Maybe she can't bare it that I'm not a little charity project, after all.

OP posts:
Original poster
happychristmas2023 · 22/12/2023 12:58

ChanelNo19EDT · 22/12/2023 12:51

I've been in this situation and the moment I called it out, I looked sensitive and she looked "attacked". It's stupid, I had put up with years of her fawning over everybody else in the group and reacting to me as though I'd said something inappropriate, obvious or boring.
I should have just stoically put up with it because I think now the narrative is that two difficult women couldn't get on. So unfair as I'd endured her for years.

Edited

Yeah I know what you mean. I've had difficult women in houseshares or jobs in the past who I've called out on their behaviour towards me to others and been made to look just as bad or 'it's just a personality clash'. They're always really good at sucking up to everyone else though and hiding the animosity as best they can. I had a roommate send me a FB message with a link to narcissism once telling me I might be a narcissist and İ should look into it, because i refused to do chores for her, whilst she had managed to get the men doing tasks for her. We weren't even Facebook friends! When I showed the men they looked at me like I was the troublesome one for bringing it to their attention! That's why I'm loathe to react on this one.

OP posts:
Roussette · 22/12/2023 13:01

Yes, don't react, because she will play the victim to make you look bad.

I was just trying to help happyc
I have no idea why happyc has got it in for me (crying emoji)
I have tried so hard to be friendly with happyc

rinse and repeat

annaT2122 · 22/12/2023 13:07

Stresa22 · 22/12/2023 11:46

Call her out? As in, “Anna, do you have anything to add before I respond?” Then see what she does.

No