'friend' keeps trying to one-up me

[happychristmas2023]

Bit of a backstory, have to interact with this person because in a shared group situation. At the beginning they were all fake friendly with me, but then starting making subtle underhand comments, and even sent me a nasty put down text one day, which I just ignored. Ever since then 'friend' has tried to make an effort to get me to stay communicating with them (which I don't know why because they clearly have taken a dislike to me) but I just generally stay stoic, say hi, small talk, and that's it.

Anyway, in a group WhatsApp, which I don't want to leave because I really like the friends in common, this person always feels the need to comment straight after I've commented about something to someone else. İt's so annoying. I write something in response to something, and I always know 'this person's going to jump on straight away now and put their two cents in and undermine me' and then within seconds, they do. İ don't want to give details because it's outing sorry! Trying to share the gist of the situation as best as I can. I thought I was imagining it but then I decided to stay quiet in the group for a while and so did they. The moment I decided to come back into the group, they jump in. And it's always with a comment saying the opposite of what I've just said, or repeating what I've just said and trying to make it sound like they know better. Or sometimes even questioning me and my knowledge or something. İ know they wouldn't dare do it to my face, they just try and compete with me in a different way in person. I'm not a competitive person unless it's in a fun sports way or something, we have completely different lives ans backgrounds anyway, and there's nothing to compete for, but its so annoying. İt's never happened to me before either, I just try and get on with people, if they don't like me they generally stay away. What's with all this fake friend nonsense!

I'm just ranting really. I know Mumsnet can't solve my problem for me or make it go away, I have to put on my big girls knickers and just be stoic about it. But, garhh sometimes it really bugs me.

The best reply to that narcissism post would have been:
"It takes one to know one lol".

Can you mute her within the WhatsApp?

oooh i didn't know you could do that within a group- is it possible to hide someone elses input?

i can proper imagine her doing this!

hahaha, i wish i had had the insight and knowledge on people I have now, when I was that age. Still haven't learned how to get these types out of my headspace though.

brilliant

I'd add at the end of any WhatsApp you post "I expect you'll have a different take on this Xxx but I'm sure you'll share your views soon." Passive aggressive? Probably but fair enough I think.

hahahaha....i wish there was a laughing face emoji on posts, so i didn't have to clog up with thread with all my laughing replies!

thanks everyone, for keeping me entertained and feeling less crazy about it all!

@happychristmas2023 it"s true I think that somebody views you as either equsl or their subordinate and if they feel that this hierarchy appears to be uncertain, they engage in "levelling behaviour". It's so hard to fake but you have to act like they're not on your radar but you're polite to everybody cos that's who you are.

A couple of the people who've engaged in levelling behaviour with me

1. a woman I've known since we were 9. It's like she was allowed to grow, mature and find her groove but when I do it I'm being fake, she thinks. I think that's what's going on.
2. a relative who has put on a lot of weight. It's not my fault, I still like her, but it seems to exasperate her that I am ageing healthily. Even though all of her friends are healthily stylish. She loves that in them. They reflect well on her???? But I remind her that we're not the same?
3. a much younger woman in a company that was taken over. She got by on being pretty and flirting but new bosses, one was gayband one was a woman, new bosses warmed to me and she nearly imploded. She visibly fanned over them while simultaneously giving me the cold shoulder.

I know enough to know it's always a version of this. Always and attempt to bring you back down to their level as they see it.

I'm no threat to anybody, not beautiful, not rich, not super charismatic but yet I've had people determined to bring me down a peg!! Even though I'm not exactly full of myself.

I have this with someone who resents what I have in life. Any opportunity to tear me down - so subtly I sometimes think ‘Did you really actually say that?’

I’ve tried the laughing it off, the direct response ‘that’s really rude’, the grey rock. It does hurt.

But I have to realise its about their insecurities and it’s not about me. I’m the winner here - there is nothing about her life I want and I’m sorry she’s so jealous of me.

Live your best life, shrug your shoulders and move on. If we weren’t both in a friendship group that’s really important to me, I’d never speak to her again. And I do snooze her on social media which helps.

Sometimes this happens when you have nothing extraordinary, I mean, I have a job, a house, a lovely daughter, but I'm single and some of these insecure levellers initially like to think "this one's beneath me, phew" whereas I might be feeling braver more content, free.... over time it becomes apparent that maybe I don't view myself as being beneath them.
Cue levelling remarks.

Sometimes I've thought, all I have is the ability to connect with other people. Actually, that can be really threatening to insecure people who like to dominate social dynamics around them.

Finish all your posts woth

"but I'm sure Jane will be along with some more advice"

"but that's just my opinion, I'm sure Jane will have some to add"

sounds like you really understand this dynamic, it's really helpful to me, thank you. it makes a lot of sense that if they like to see themselves at a certain level in comparison to others, then anyone who sees themselves as equal is like a threat to them. i personally don't compare myself to others. perhaps i might see someone achieving a goal i'd like to achieve and look at how they've done it, for inspiration, but that's as far as it goes. i've slept on the streets, and also flown first class out of luck before. I've met plenty of homeless people, and plenty of rich people, and see all people as equal- with some having a healthier mindset than others regardless of their circumstances. within every group, there are some who are happy, some who are sad. i just can't get my head around this status thing. i am struggling with this whole situation, because unless i can understand someone's mindset, i find it hard to understand their behaivours.

would you mind explaining to me a bit more about dominating social dynamics around them? how does this work- what does the instigator have to achieve from it? it feels like it makes sense, but i'm struggling to completely understand it, in this personal instance.

This seems to be the popular resolution here!

That's because it's a bloody good way to deal with her.

I have a friend group with two people like this. I was with the friend like you one time when Elevenerife tried to go one better. Friend burst out laughing, winked at me and then wrote a humble and gracious reply. Elevenerife clearly suspects friend is taking the mickey but isn't quite sure.

Oh god killed the thread, back after Christmas! Have a good one all 🎉🎁🎀

I'll try to find the video I watched that mentioned levelling.

An even better way to respond:

”Jane - your thoughts?”

”Jane what do you think”

etc

You’re not calling her out in an overt way. Yet, at the same time, you are challenging her and taking control. She will hate that because there’s nothing about the comments like the ones above for her to wail and cry victim about.

You didn't kill the thread! I had to go out and find it hard to type on phone! I'm finding it all so helpful and healing, so I'm keen to keep the thread going.

I have came across several people like this over the years, work with one at the moment.

Agree it’s very frustrating but don’t react - they will play the victim and you’ll look like the bad guy who is apparently ‘too sensitive’.

Other people will have picked up on it but will be unlikely to support you and will probably want to stay out of it.

Agree with the thumbs up or laughing emoji as a response.

If it’s in person a slight eye roll and a tiny smirk says enough.

Must be exhausting for these kind of people always wanting the upper hand - don’t give them any of your energy would be my advice.

DH has a colleague like this, any time I have to endure their company and interact I make sure to finish every conversation with 'there we are then' goes over his head but amuses me and keeps my sanity.

There We Are Then
TWAT

I love this!

People often don't do this purposefully. It's sometimes for some people difficult to stop. Even when they know they are doing it.

I would t be brave enough to put something like ‘bet Jane will be near to tell me in a bit’ but I’d probably try and make it into a game for myself and might even try and post things to see what she‘ll say in response. Make it into a Bingo situation where you guess what she’s gonna come out with and every time she’s predictable/ you guess what she’ll come out with right stick £1 in a jar, then at the end of the month buy yourself a treat with the money from her stupid comments! Something like that will make you take it less personally and just see it as something funny or even her comments as something to look forward to!