'friend' keeps trying to one-up me

[happychristmas2023]

Bit of a backstory, have to interact with this person because in a shared group situation. At the beginning they were all fake friendly with me, but then starting making subtle underhand comments, and even sent me a nasty put down text one day, which I just ignored. Ever since then 'friend' has tried to make an effort to get me to stay communicating with them (which I don't know why because they clearly have taken a dislike to me) but I just generally stay stoic, say hi, small talk, and that's it.

Anyway, in a group WhatsApp, which I don't want to leave because I really like the friends in common, this person always feels the need to comment straight after I've commented about something to someone else. İt's so annoying. I write something in response to something, and I always know 'this person's going to jump on straight away now and put their two cents in and undermine me' and then within seconds, they do. İ don't want to give details because it's outing sorry! Trying to share the gist of the situation as best as I can. I thought I was imagining it but then I decided to stay quiet in the group for a while and so did they. The moment I decided to come back into the group, they jump in. And it's always with a comment saying the opposite of what I've just said, or repeating what I've just said and trying to make it sound like they know better. Or sometimes even questioning me and my knowledge or something. İ know they wouldn't dare do it to my face, they just try and compete with me in a different way in person. I'm not a competitive person unless it's in a fun sports way or something, we have completely different lives ans backgrounds anyway, and there's nothing to compete for, but its so annoying. İt's never happened to me before either, I just try and get on with people, if they don't like me they generally stay away. What's with all this fake friend nonsense!

I'm just ranting really. I know Mumsnet can't solve my problem for me or make it go away, I have to put on my big girls knickers and just be stoic about it. But, garhh sometimes it really bugs me.

i love this!

Some phrases for you to memorise when she starts on with her bigger and better stories @happychristmas2023 -

"I thought you might have"
"[laughing emoji] god you're so predictable"
"oh please do tell me more"
"that does not surprise me"
"amazing, now as I was saying..."
"really? you should have mentioned it" (if she's told you the same story 15 times)

When you meet up in real life, start humming the tune to "anything you can do I can do better".

I would definitely call her out on it the next time she does it. I'm sure if you confronted her she would stop doing it.

she'll jut deny and make out i'm imagining it. i tried calling her out in person before about something she was doing over a different matter and she threw it back at me- told me i didn't have to join in the group conversation if didn't want to! i think she thinks i'm one of her subjects!

I would go with the "thumbs up" occasionally.

I don't think bringing it up in any way will help and might cause friction in the group. She'll have playing the victim down to a fine art.

Kill her with kindness if anything.

it's great when they're not sure. elevenerife is my new favourite name! does it still carry on after they made the sarkey reply?

part of me wants to be a fly on the wall, to see if her victim mode extends out into her everyday life, the other part of me is like 'why is this taking up so much headspace arghhh'

Mumsnet, you've been amazing today, thanks everyone for supporting me and being so positive about this aggravting interaction I've been having to put up with!

Don't call her out. Channel not even noticing that she's puttingyou down. To be blunt, picture somebody not on your radar putting you down. You'd be unlikely to notice. What they want is that you lose your easy charm. They want you to come across sensitive and accusatory.

There are a few things you can say but they have to be breezy. I googled the shit out of this after id handled it all wrong.

If they put you down, joke along the lines of "and I'd like to thank Wendy for keeping me humble!" Keep it short. You can't loae your cool! If they flat out hurt you say "ouch!" but carry on, don't say you're hurt or that they shouldn't have have said it.
If somebody else overhears a putdown maybe risk "I think I misheard you!" With a smile. See if they repeat it in front of the bystander. You're not demanding they repeat it, just saying "I think I misheard".

If they undermine your opinion on something trivial I'd let it go. Show them up by being gracious "I bow to your superior knowledge on the subject of fine dining!"

If they're boasting about their travels ask with big eyes and total seriousness "you"ve been everywherrrrre" like you're struck with pure wonder. They might know you're taking the piss but bystanders will thinks she's boasting and you're polite.

Can you do a "oh Jane you are so predictable with contradicting me 🤣 good job I don't take it personally"?

Although I do like a "👍🏿 there we are then"

😜

'friend' has tried to make an effort to get me to stay communicating with them (which I don't know why because they clearly have taken a dislike to me)

I suspect the reason why she's doing this is because she wants to continue behaving like she does without there being any consequences for it, or because she's aware of what she's like, and has a little panic when people push her away.

Either she is behaving like this because she enjoys it, or because you make her feel uncomfortable. That is not your fault, and it may be strange to think of yourself having this effect on another person, but people do act out in unpleasant ways if they feel threatened or unsettled. Who knows why you have this effect on her - it may not follow your, or most people's logic.

@ChanelNo19EDTI should have just stoically put up with it because I think now the narrative is that two difficult women couldn't get on. So unfair as I'd endured her for years

That's shitty. Some people are just a bit thick when it comes to observing personality dynamics - they won't necessarily see that one person is the aggressor and the other person is just reacting or sticking up for themselves. A lot of people are also cowards, don't want to provide emotional support or don't want to take sides in situations where they actually should - they would prefer to look the other way and whisper that they're just 'staying out of it'.

Might make op look hurt/reactive

You must let them know subtly that all they're doing is revealing their insecurity to you, never let them think they've hurt you.

Next time she does it write immediately "Told you so, haha!" Then below it write "sorry wrong chat!"
She will be paranoid that you've told someone on the group to watch out for her undermining you but can't say anything without looking like an ass as she can't be sure if it was about her or not.

I would just say bingo! every time she does it

Or "I know!" which will make her think someone else has said something.

LOVE this! You are an evil genius.

Or wait 2 minutes and type "ok, you're right".
Like somebody ELSE noticed on you're behalf.

Oh I like the mind games suggestions starting to appear on this thread. Evil geniuses the lot of you

I agree with a pp who said respond again after she's put her 2p in but completely ignore her comment.

Group - oh have you seen the snow
OP - yes we've had 6 inches
Annoying person - we're snowed in
OP - I'm off out to build a snow man @group 'do you wanna build a snowman 🎶🎶'

I know! It seems it all comes out after dark!

It's funny though, and helping me to see the issue from a lighter perspective. I can't believe I've spent all day coming back to this thread- they say not to give people this much headspace but I guess sometimes you need to, to get them out of there!

Reply 'thank you for your input'. Then nothing. Every time, no deviation. It will frustrate the hell out of her.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it? There are a lot of things I look back on, and think I would have handled totally differently were it to happen now, and I too have things going round in my head that happened years ago but still bother me.