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Original poster

My BF lied to me regarding money, do you think it was justifiable?

83 replies

TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:28

Changed username for this.

My BF has a good job (around 80k) and lives a comfortable life in London as never married and no kids. He has an expensive taste and expensive hobbies but overall a simple lifestyle, no car, pays rent and works hard. Sometimes he complained that although he was unhappy in his flat it is a good deal for the size and where it is and he has been there long so moving is a faff. Also he is happy to get the tube/bus/uber and doesn't need a car.

Once he complained that he current account was about to run out of money so he quickly had to do a transfer from his other account from the US (where he is from). I though that was weird but I know he uses a credit card (he has a black one but I don't know the merchant) and goes to the US twice a year so I just though he transfers moneys between accounts back and forth.

Not long ago he started talking about moving in together. He has never lived with a romantic partner before but I am divorced twice so I told him - and I was serious - that I see myself in a long term relationship with him as a girlfriend forever BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper. And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources rather then just move in together. I have been evicted / homeless and gone through a lot of hardship so now that I have my little council flat and building a better career, I'm not about to jeopardise everything for zero financial guarantees.

A few weeks passed and we never spoke about it again. But a few days ago he confessed that the reason why he moved to the UK was to try and live off a salary and independent from the wealth of his family. He has told me that he has money in the US and with his dad being sick and his mum looking after him and all that, he is thinking about what he wants for his future and it involves settling down in a loving and 'proper' relationship and making a woman happy. He said he has seen his siblings and friends getting married, having kids etc and he never thought he wanted to experience that but now that he has met me he is seriously considering proposing at some point but couldn't do it out of the blue as he wanted to know where I stand.

I was seriously shocked and thought he was joking at first but he was dead serious. I then got upset that he has hidden this from me all this time as it feels like he has been testing me all along which is understandable but I feel deceived and as if our whole relationship was a lie.

I told him I needed some time to consider because although I have a modest earning and lifestyle, I have peace and I am content. Also I have to think about my DD. And I don't even know if I know who he is ifywim.

So now he has gone to the US to spend Christmas with his family and we will see each other in the new year once he is back. Our relationship will never be the same again if we carry on even if we don't get married and I'm sad about that. Yes, it would be lovely to get my dream house etc but at what price if it started with a lie?

I'm so conflicted. Would I ever trust him again? I feel I'd live my life waiting for more secrets to come up and never relax.

and BTW he is over 50 so babies are out of question

OP posts:
Rocknrolla21 · 21/12/2023 22:31

🙄

IWishThatICouldBeWorryFree · 21/12/2023 22:33

So you have just 2 en-suites now then, one each for you and your DD?

craigth162 · 21/12/2023 22:33

You want money...he has money.... match made in heaven

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 22:40

Gosh, what a pickle.

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 21/12/2023 22:40

I don’t think wealthy single men are queueing up to marry twice-divorced singles mums who live in council houses so, if you like him, don’t take him for granted.

Also, your expectations are ridiculous. Maybe aim higher and try and secure these things for yourself rather than expecting a man to hand them to you?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 21/12/2023 22:47

And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources rather then just move in together.
And what if he also lived in a rented flat and didn't earn well?

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:48

IWishThatICouldBeWorryFree · 21/12/2023 22:33

So you have just 2 en-suites now then, one each for you and your DD?

What? I have none. I rent a 2 bedroom flat. He rents a 2 bedroom flat. No en-suites. We don’t live together.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 21/12/2023 22:51

The 4 en-suites would be a dealbreaker if he couldn't provide that tbh.

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:53

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 21/12/2023 22:40

I don’t think wealthy single men are queueing up to marry twice-divorced singles mums who live in council houses so, if you like him, don’t take him for granted.

Also, your expectations are ridiculous. Maybe aim higher and try and secure these things for yourself rather than expecting a man to hand them to you?

I think you misunderstood my post slightely.

I’m not expecting a man to do hand it for me.

But I have been married twice and I know that marriage does not equal love and does not equal happy relationship.

So quite frankly I would never do it all over again if there were not big financial gains from it. I got nothing from my two divorces as my exes and I didn’t have anything to share.

I could be his GF forever in a long term stable rekationship but now with the revelation I feel like our relationship was built on a lie and I’m scared

OP posts:
Shouldershoulder · 21/12/2023 22:55

BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper
So would you class yourself as a gold digger ?
🙄🙄

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:55

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 21/12/2023 22:47

And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources rather then just move in together.
And what if he also lived in a rented flat and didn't earn well?

GF and BF only, no sharing home and no papers involved

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 21/12/2023 22:56

Okay so to summarise...

You aren't financially solvent and live in a council flat.

Your requirement to cohabit is he provides a "house with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper".
(For context... My DH and have a combined income of 300k pa pretax and don't have that. You'd need a pretax salary of about £500-600k for that more depending on location)

He turns out to be some multi millionaire trust fund baby....

You aren't happy he can buy you the fancy life you demand

Cool story bro...

Dotcheck · 21/12/2023 23:00

Gosh , he should run like the wind.
OP- are you ‘mad’ at him so you are on some perceived moral high ground so he will give in to your ( frankly, ridiculous) demands. Poor guy

wildwestpioneer · 21/12/2023 23:00

I'm not seeing your problem op. You want a man to provide you with a 4bed, 4 en-suite home with a garden for you, your dd and pets. This man can do that and you're complaining because he hid that fact from you. Confused

Terrrence · 21/12/2023 23:00

Yeah, this is real

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:01

GreatGateauxsby · 21/12/2023 22:56

Okay so to summarise...

You aren't financially solvent and live in a council flat.

Your requirement to cohabit is he provides a "house with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper".
(For context... My DH and have a combined income of 300k pa pretax and don't have that. You'd need a pretax salary of about £500-600k for that more depending on location)

He turns out to be some multi millionaire trust fund baby....

You aren't happy he can buy you the fancy life you demand

Cool story bro...

Yep but the housekeeper doesn’t need to be there 24/7, that is weird actually

I cleaner would do

OP posts:
Screwballs · 21/12/2023 23:02

Bull sheet.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/12/2023 23:04

He was trying to work out if you're a gold digger and that's exactly what you appear to be. How has he lied?

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:05

Dotcheck · 21/12/2023 23:00

Gosh , he should run like the wind.
OP- are you ‘mad’ at him so you are on some perceived moral high ground so he will give in to your ( frankly, ridiculous) demands. Poor guy

Imagine you have been in a relationship with someone who was pretty much pretending to be somebody else?

I understand why but still it feels deceiving

As I said, I have peace. Money can’t buy that

And I do wonder if living together actually destroy relationships, hence wanting separate bedrooms, but that is why I had two failed marriages so obviously I judge from my experience

OP posts:
blacksax · 21/12/2023 23:07

Pants on fire. It never ends well.

IVFfirsttimer91 · 21/12/2023 23:08

🍿🍿🍿

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 21/12/2023 23:09

TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:55

GF and BF only, no sharing home and no papers involved

Show quote history

What's yours is yours what's his yours?

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:10

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/12/2023 23:04

He was trying to work out if you're a gold digger and that's exactly what you appear to be. How has he lied?

but if I was a gold digger would I be with him when I thought he was just a guy working / paying rent / in his 50s never married, never lived with a woman before etc?

honestly - marriage is a contract much like business - you don’t need marriage to find love and vice versa

OP posts:
JenJenJenJenJenJen · 21/12/2023 23:10

Are you the woman who was posting about the American boyfriend moving to the UK and wanting to use your bank account?

Babyroobs · 21/12/2023 23:13

This has to be a wind up ?

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