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Original poster

My BF lied to me regarding money, do you think it was justifiable?

83 replies

TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:28

Changed username for this.

My BF has a good job (around 80k) and lives a comfortable life in London as never married and no kids. He has an expensive taste and expensive hobbies but overall a simple lifestyle, no car, pays rent and works hard. Sometimes he complained that although he was unhappy in his flat it is a good deal for the size and where it is and he has been there long so moving is a faff. Also he is happy to get the tube/bus/uber and doesn't need a car.

Once he complained that he current account was about to run out of money so he quickly had to do a transfer from his other account from the US (where he is from). I though that was weird but I know he uses a credit card (he has a black one but I don't know the merchant) and goes to the US twice a year so I just though he transfers moneys between accounts back and forth.

Not long ago he started talking about moving in together. He has never lived with a romantic partner before but I am divorced twice so I told him - and I was serious - that I see myself in a long term relationship with him as a girlfriend forever BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper. And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources rather then just move in together. I have been evicted / homeless and gone through a lot of hardship so now that I have my little council flat and building a better career, I'm not about to jeopardise everything for zero financial guarantees.

A few weeks passed and we never spoke about it again. But a few days ago he confessed that the reason why he moved to the UK was to try and live off a salary and independent from the wealth of his family. He has told me that he has money in the US and with his dad being sick and his mum looking after him and all that, he is thinking about what he wants for his future and it involves settling down in a loving and 'proper' relationship and making a woman happy. He said he has seen his siblings and friends getting married, having kids etc and he never thought he wanted to experience that but now that he has met me he is seriously considering proposing at some point but couldn't do it out of the blue as he wanted to know where I stand.

I was seriously shocked and thought he was joking at first but he was dead serious. I then got upset that he has hidden this from me all this time as it feels like he has been testing me all along which is understandable but I feel deceived and as if our whole relationship was a lie.

I told him I needed some time to consider because although I have a modest earning and lifestyle, I have peace and I am content. Also I have to think about my DD. And I don't even know if I know who he is ifywim.

So now he has gone to the US to spend Christmas with his family and we will see each other in the new year once he is back. Our relationship will never be the same again if we carry on even if we don't get married and I'm sad about that. Yes, it would be lovely to get my dream house etc but at what price if it started with a lie?

I'm so conflicted. Would I ever trust him again? I feel I'd live my life waiting for more secrets to come up and never relax.

and BTW he is over 50 so babies are out of question

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 00:50

BombaySamphire · 22/12/2023 00:03

What a ridiculous pile of shite.
Send it in to Take a Break, op. It’ll probably go down better there.

With an appropriate sad face.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 00:52

I don't get it, so this guy who is living in a rental for the last 10 years now says he's actually really rich? Where is the evidence? Why didn't he pay for you and your daughter to go back to the states to visit his family? Why didn't he buy a house?

Why do you believe all this crap and more pertinently, why do you think we believe all this crap?

Siha345 · 22/12/2023 01:25

Rereading your original post, you knew he was rich. Unless his flat is falling down, everything says he has money, other than not having a car. Only suspicious thing is his current account running out of money.
I’m still struggling to see the problem. Is it just that you don’t want to get married? Because being rich isn’t exactly a problem, is it

Amybelle88 · 22/12/2023 01:35

You sound lovely xxxxxxxx

Grendell · 22/12/2023 01:36

Isn't this the con story Anna from the Inventing Anna Netflix show told everyone? She was living in America to get away from family wealth back home, someone was dying back in the home country, etc.

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 22/12/2023 07:47

Siha345 · 22/12/2023 01:25

Rereading your original post, you knew he was rich. Unless his flat is falling down, everything says he has money, other than not having a car. Only suspicious thing is his current account running out of money.
I’m still struggling to see the problem. Is it just that you don’t want to get married? Because being rich isn’t exactly a problem, is it

He has a two bedroom, one double, one single, it is enough space for 1 person but he complains a lot, especially about the kitchen as he is used to lots of space and storage. There are other things like the wall not being solid enough so he worries he doesn’t hang any pictures etc and the heating is not great either. It is a converted house.
When I asked him why he doesn’t move, he talks about rent being expensive in London and he having a good deal with his LL.

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 22/12/2023 07:58

It sounds like he's either very mean with money (being "rich" but renting a small flat he complains about?) or else he's lying about it (bearing in mind he says he's rich/earning a high salary, but living frugally and saying he's run out of money.) I wouldn't even considering for a minute marrying or moving in with him.

category12 · 22/12/2023 08:06

It sounds like a lot of balls.

Whether it's you trolling or him that's the source of the balls, I don't know.

Epidote · 22/12/2023 08:16

I think you want everything on your terms.
I don't have to disclose how much money my family have to anyone, not a girlfriend.

He didn't lie to you. If you take that as a lie you need to think why if you are happy now you are making such a fuss with dreams that may or may not be possible.
Life changes, you know that, don't make it more difficult.
If you love him continue the relationship and you will see. If not just leave him.

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 22/12/2023 08:21

MakeItRain · 22/12/2023 07:58

It sounds like he's either very mean with money (being "rich" but renting a small flat he complains about?) or else he's lying about it (bearing in mind he says he's rich/earning a high salary, but living frugally and saying he's run out of money.) I wouldn't even considering for a minute marrying or moving in with him.

I think he tries to live with the parameters of his salary which is high but he lives central so his good deal rent is probably expensive. Also he is fussy about food and the fabric of clothes, the quality of shoes etc so he spends a lot on it - not so much clothes and shoes as he is not buying it constantly but he is all about M&S, Waitrose, Ocado, posh bakeries, butchers, deli etc
He collects expensive wine and whisky etc

OP posts:
Megifer · 22/12/2023 08:26

I think he's sussed you're a gold digger and is just dicking about now.

Soz op, you've been rumbled 🤣

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/12/2023 08:43

BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper. And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources

I can see why you are twice divorced.

Hopefully, he's sensible enough to get his trainers on and run like hell.

MichelleScarn · 22/12/2023 08:48

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/12/2023 08:43

BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper. And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources

I can see why you are twice divorced.

Hopefully, he's sensible enough to get his trainers on and run like hell.

And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure someone elses resources that I had nothing to do with earning
Does he know you see him purely as a procurement service?

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 22/12/2023 08:49

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/12/2023 08:43

BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper. And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources

I can see why you are twice divorced.

Hopefully, he's sensible enough to get his trainers on and run like hell.

no you can’t see it
you have no idea

and that is why I would only marry again if there was financial security involved the way I want

marriage does not mean love and I never said I didn’t want a relationship with him

what would marriage/live together actually bring that a loving BF GF relationship couldn’t?

you do not believe a couple can happy together without signing papers and sharing the same bed every day?

oh I guess you have not read this relationship board properly yet?

OP posts:
Ejismyf · 22/12/2023 08:58

This is nonsense, if he is from a very wealthy family he wouldn't be renting! He'd be able to pay for you and your daughter to visit the US with him. Your requirements are quite frankly ridiculous. You keep harping on about marriage doesn't mean love, but you don't go in to a marriage without there being love when you marry, especially if you've been married twice and if you love someone and want to marry them then 4 ensuites and a housekeeper wouldn't be a reason anyone would use for not going ahead 🤣

SarcasmAndCoffee · 22/12/2023 09:02

TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:05

Imagine you have been in a relationship with someone who was pretty much pretending to be somebody else?

I understand why but still it feels deceiving

As I said, I have peace. Money can’t buy that

And I do wonder if living together actually destroy relationships, hence wanting separate bedrooms, but that is why I had two failed marriages so obviously I judge from my experience

Show quote history

I mean, better he lied about being filthy rich then lying and finding out he’s actually a peado or something. I could think of worse situations to be in OP.

Justintimeee · 22/12/2023 09:06

I wouldn't worry he didn't tell you, he has moved to build a life away from the family and likely didn't wanna be defined by his money. Take it as a silver lining x

skibiditoilet · 22/12/2023 09:48

I think you need to find someone with a few more 0000 after the £80k.

Kaltenzahn · 22/12/2023 10:06

You say you wouldn't marry/move in without a major financial benefit to you, but what would be the benefit to him in this scenario?

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/12/2023 10:29

Kaltenzahn · 22/12/2023 10:06

You say you wouldn't marry/move in without a major financial benefit to you, but what would be the benefit to him in this scenario?

Exactly, what are you bringing to the table OP?

Wishimaywishimight · 22/12/2023 10:38

So you only want to marry for big financial gain? If I were him I would run a mile.

Thisoldchestnut · 22/12/2023 10:42

Please God let him be utterly skint 🤣, is he actually a rich Prince and just needs your bank account to free up his zillions of dollars in an African bank account? 🙄🤣🤣🤣. Or are you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?

blacksax · 22/12/2023 13:15

He hasn't lied to you. He just didn't tell you.

Kinneddar · 22/12/2023 14:56

The more you post the more of a money grabber you sound. I hope he takes his 'wealth' and runs fast in the other direction

Smooshface · 22/12/2023 16:54

Why would it be "too much" to take your daughter to the US?