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Original poster

My BF lied to me regarding money, do you think it was justifiable?

83 replies

TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 22:28

Changed username for this.

My BF has a good job (around 80k) and lives a comfortable life in London as never married and no kids. He has an expensive taste and expensive hobbies but overall a simple lifestyle, no car, pays rent and works hard. Sometimes he complained that although he was unhappy in his flat it is a good deal for the size and where it is and he has been there long so moving is a faff. Also he is happy to get the tube/bus/uber and doesn't need a car.

Once he complained that he current account was about to run out of money so he quickly had to do a transfer from his other account from the US (where he is from). I though that was weird but I know he uses a credit card (he has a black one but I don't know the merchant) and goes to the US twice a year so I just though he transfers moneys between accounts back and forth.

Not long ago he started talking about moving in together. He has never lived with a romantic partner before but I am divorced twice so I told him - and I was serious - that I see myself in a long term relationship with him as a girlfriend forever BUT the only way I would live with a man again would be if I could pick the house of my dreams with at least 4 en-suites (one for me, one for him, one for DD and one for guests), a garden for my pets, a housekeeper. And I'd also wanted to get married so I could secure resources rather then just move in together. I have been evicted / homeless and gone through a lot of hardship so now that I have my little council flat and building a better career, I'm not about to jeopardise everything for zero financial guarantees.

A few weeks passed and we never spoke about it again. But a few days ago he confessed that the reason why he moved to the UK was to try and live off a salary and independent from the wealth of his family. He has told me that he has money in the US and with his dad being sick and his mum looking after him and all that, he is thinking about what he wants for his future and it involves settling down in a loving and 'proper' relationship and making a woman happy. He said he has seen his siblings and friends getting married, having kids etc and he never thought he wanted to experience that but now that he has met me he is seriously considering proposing at some point but couldn't do it out of the blue as he wanted to know where I stand.

I was seriously shocked and thought he was joking at first but he was dead serious. I then got upset that he has hidden this from me all this time as it feels like he has been testing me all along which is understandable but I feel deceived and as if our whole relationship was a lie.

I told him I needed some time to consider because although I have a modest earning and lifestyle, I have peace and I am content. Also I have to think about my DD. And I don't even know if I know who he is ifywim.

So now he has gone to the US to spend Christmas with his family and we will see each other in the new year once he is back. Our relationship will never be the same again if we carry on even if we don't get married and I'm sad about that. Yes, it would be lovely to get my dream house etc but at what price if it started with a lie?

I'm so conflicted. Would I ever trust him again? I feel I'd live my life waiting for more secrets to come up and never relax.

and BTW he is over 50 so babies are out of question

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 21/12/2023 23:13

I should think he will be a bit cheesed off too to fall for someone who comes across as greedy and materialistic.

Nicole1111 · 21/12/2023 23:18

If I was in a relationship with someone who currently lived in council accommodation but had extravagant demands about being housed in a way they couldn’t provide for themselves I’d be hesitant to identify myself as coming from wealth. Maybe this is a a good time to consider what impression you give people?

mondaytosunday · 21/12/2023 23:18

I don't understand you at all. There is a man who has a good job and (though apparently unsuccessfully) has made an effort to live off his salary before committing. So where's the deception? Why do you think your relationship is a lie? Frankly I don't see how a salary of £80k can afford four en suites and a live in housekeeper! What do you bring to the finances?
And why no kids just because he's over 50? How old are you? Have you discussed this?
Frankly I think it's all to your advantage not his.

Canthave2manycats · 21/12/2023 23:22

Dear jesus!

blacksax · 21/12/2023 23:25

A match made in heaven if you ask me.

Did you tell him about wanting the four ensuites and the servant housekeeper before or after he told you he's wealthy?

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:27

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 21/12/2023 23:10

Are you the woman who was posting about the American boyfriend moving to the UK and wanting to use your bank account?

no
he has been in the UK for nearly a decade and I have been in the UK for nearly two decades

we are both not from here

OP posts:
Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:34

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 21/12/2023 23:09

What's yours is yours what's his yours?

Show quote history

I have nothing apart from a social housing tenancy, cats, a teenage daughter

I can say my most expensive possesion is my macbook and my iphone 12 mini

but I also pay all my bills on my own, have no debts and some money left in the bank at the end of the month because my life is simple

yes my rent is cheaper and I’m grateful for that but my council block is in such a state of desrepair and one of the lifts has been broken for two weeks now - but once I’m in my little home I’m happy and relaxed and so is DD and this is a difficult thing to give up on for the unknown

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 21/12/2023 23:38

So you have nothing, yet want a house with four en suites and someone else to pay for it?
You’re 100% a gold digger - you need to take a good, long look at yourself.

SD1978 · 21/12/2023 23:41

😆😆 nice try at trolling.....you're currently a single parent in a council house and would only move in with someone if you could have 4 ensuites and a housekeeper........and he's on 80k but has 'family money' allegedly.......

Mangolover123 · 21/12/2023 23:45

Ha ha I have a 4 bed 4 ensuites and a cleaner (and room for a pony) Difference is I have paid for it all myself.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 21/12/2023 23:51

Stick by your guns op, don't negotiate, even if he offers 3 en suites and a cleaner. You know your worth.

Juliennehen · 21/12/2023 23:52

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 21/12/2023 23:51

Stick by your guns op, don't negotiate, even if he offers 3 en suites and a cleaner. You know your worth.

😁

LilBooThang · 21/12/2023 23:55

Is what he has just told you the truth?

You've never been out to the US and met his family?

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 21/12/2023 23:59

LilBooThang · 21/12/2023 23:55

Is what he has just told you the truth?

You've never been out to the US and met his family?

not yet as I can't leave my daughter by herself and can't take her either as it would be just too much

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 22/12/2023 00:00

This is a very boring wind up . I hope . Otherwise I am ashamed I have spent precious time reading it

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 22/12/2023 00:00

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 21/12/2023 23:51

Stick by your guns op, don't negotiate, even if he offers 3 en suites and a cleaner. You know your worth.

3 ensuites are good enough but wouldn't be nice to have a guests bedroom?

OP posts:
Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 22/12/2023 00:01

Mangolover123 · 21/12/2023 23:45

Ha ha I have a 4 bed 4 ensuites and a cleaner (and room for a pony) Difference is I have paid for it all myself.

Nice! Congrats!

OP posts:
BombaySamphire · 22/12/2023 00:03

What a ridiculous pile of shite.
Send it in to Take a Break, op. It’ll probably go down better there.

Fullofxmascbeer · 22/12/2023 00:07

Very sensible of him to see if you like him for himself rather than his money.

Copperoliverbear · 22/12/2023 00:12

Is this even real. He hasn't lied about anything, just hasn't told you his whole life story.
Personally I think if this is even true a twice divorced woman in a council flat with a child should snap him up.

TheShellBeach · 22/12/2023 00:16

Since you've now discovered that he's loaded, perhaps you need to renegotiate up to five en-suites and a butler.

Opentooffers · 22/12/2023 00:19

You must know how you come across. It's hard to think you are for real -4 bathrooms, housekeeper. Yet for this you bring solvency and social housing on your part. You must be either a lot younger than him, and/ or stunning for your age. He, meanwhile would have to know he's seriously punching to be mD enough to consider it. It's a fun pipedream, at some point you might find out that neither of you are what you are cracked up to be.

Player001 · 22/12/2023 00:19

Disney called. They want their romcom script back.

TheShellBeach · 22/12/2023 00:20

Just because he's fifty he can still get you pregnant.

Original poster
TurquoiseTurtoise · 22/12/2023 00:37

Opentooffers · 22/12/2023 00:19

You must know how you come across. It's hard to think you are for real -4 bathrooms, housekeeper. Yet for this you bring solvency and social housing on your part. You must be either a lot younger than him, and/ or stunning for your age. He, meanwhile would have to know he's seriously punching to be mD enough to consider it. It's a fun pipedream, at some point you might find out that neither of you are what you are cracked up to be.

what is mD?

I'm late 40s and he is early 50s

I don't think he planned to be with someone from such a different lifestyle but it happened - we met online

I might be 'broke' now, social housing and all that but I had a very comfortable upbringing - where I come from housekeepers, nannies, ensuites are kinda normal even for middle class - but I was very airy fairy and didn't make much of myself when younger - also grew up thinking my dad would leave a lot but when he passed he was in dire straights (long story)

There is some money in my family of origin from my country but my life is here. They don't support me and I live by my means - however my family has nothing like what his family apparently has - and he has a good career in his own merit while I always worked low paid jobs and only now I am building up a career.

Oh an to answer another poster - even if he wanted kids in his 50s which he doesn't, I'm done.

Edit - grammar

OP posts: