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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has he pulled away all of a sudden??!

66 replies

Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 01:08

Hey,

So me and this guy have been talking for about a month, messaging every day and it’s been great conversation.
after talking for about 2 weeks, we met up, it was great.. we had such a laugh together, everything about it was just great. I messaged the next day to say thank you for a nice time yesterday etc and we carried on talking all was good..
we met a second time and again, can’t complain, amazing time with him, so much laughing and chemistry this time conversation got a little deeper.
he told me he wears his heart on his sleeve and it takes him a lot to trust someone as he’s been hurt in the past. Anyway, when I left I said thank you for a lovely evening and he said ‘see you soon’

this time, I didn’t message him right away I left it until later the next day as if I’m honest I didn’t want to bombard him! I absolutely wanted to speak to him, but I’m conscious of coming across too much. I genuinely like him and where it was going.. anyway when I did messaged I just asked how his day had been.. to which he replied ‘I thought I’d done something wrong,haven’t heard from you’ to which I reassured him he hadn’t at all and I just didn’t want to pester him! Anyway.. convo over the next couple of days was pretty basic, not like usual.. I asked if he was okay as seems he’s not feeling it all of a sudden to which he said he is feeling it he’s just tired.

next day, he said he just feels a bit meh.. but doesn’t know why. Said maybe he just needs a good night sleep.. convo still quite cold compared to before.. as time is going on, I’m taking this as he’s not feeling it but not being straight up. But he’s still asking how my day was etc.. just something seems off?

anyway, I asked if I was seeing him again and he said when am I next free.. I told him and it kinda got avoided.. so I couldn’t bare it anymore and I sent him a message to say I really feel something is off, and I’m sorry if I’m causing a bad vibe over nothing but I have to bring it up cos I’d rather we be honest with each other. I said I understand if he doesn’t want to continue talking but rather he be honest cos I don’t want to put in unnecessary effort if he’s checked out. this was yesterday and he’s not even opened the message..

i have feelings too, and don’t want to get hurt. I’m willing to work at his pace slowly if it’s due to wanting to take a step back as he’s protecting himself but I can’t get to grips with whether that’s the case or he’s just all of a sudden changed his mind?

instead of allowing him space I’ve thought he’s uninterested so pestered him with whether he’s feeling it or not which has pushed him away more cos he needs to regulate his emotions? Could this be the case? Or am I being naive as f**k here?

he doesn’t do dating apps, one night stands, doesn’t fuck about, just seems like a genuine guy who has been hurt in the past and is maybe being cautious?

How do I go about this?

I’ve never dealt with a guy who has been hurt previously? I’m very up front so he would always know where he stands with me! But I can understand acting with caution but I wish I could reassure him that I have only good intentions! But I also don’t want to do that if he is ghosting me cos I look like a right sop! 😂

surely if we had a great time both times, great convo up until he got a little insecure and thought something was up. He was very complimentary of me in person. Said he had a really lovely time with me.. then bam, something changed over night.

sooo confused. It’s bugging me so bad cos genuinely feel we have a brilliant connection.
I guess just give him space now right??

help me out guys!

OP posts:
KitsyWitsy · 21/12/2023 01:28

Sounds like he’s lost interest.

FetchezLaVache · 21/12/2023 01:30

Honestly, walk away. He's just a headfuck - don't try to analyse it any more deeply than that but if you do have to, why on earth was it your responsibility to contact him after the second date? He didn't contact you either! What he says doesn't seem to chime with how he acts, which is like a player, and you don't need me to tell you that actions speak louder than words... Basically, it shouldn't be this difficult a couple of weeks in. Cut your losses.

Original poster
Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 01:31

@KitsyWitsy What a shame… how can someone be so complimentary, saying he’s had a lovely time with me. Enjoys my company, wants to see me again.. likes where it’s going, thinks I’m beautiful, fun to be around etc.. then changes his mind over night? He doesn’t seem a sort of person to say things he doesn’t mean. Just seems strange!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 01:35

@FetchezLaVache I hear what you are saying.. but perhaps he was waiting for me to contact due to his insecurities around being hurt and taking a lot to trust someone. He arranged for us to meet; put himself out there by asking so surely it’s polite for me to say thank you for a nice evening?

I agree though, it shouldn’t be this difficult a couple of weeks in. I just wondered whether there was any possibility that the way he’s acting may be down to putting his guard up rather than being a fuck about, as he doesn’t seem the type too.. but who knows hey.

genuinely our connection seemed really strong and we’ve known of each other for a little while so I don’t know if we anticipated that when meeting one on one we would get on as well as we did.. maybe it has made him put his guard up? idk.. I’m prob being naive

OP posts:
FreyafromLondon · 21/12/2023 01:39

If a guy is genuinely interested, trust me when I say he would definitely make the effort

Original poster
Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 01:42

@FreyafromLondon Yeah, you’re right 😕 what a shame. First person I’ve liked for a long time.. thanks for your response

OP posts:
FreyafromLondon · 21/12/2023 01:49

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. It's a horrible feeling when you feel so happy to have found someone nice that you genuinely click with, then to not know where you stand.
I'm just speaking from experience.
I hope he contacts you soon to explain why he's being distant x

ChristmasSteps295 · 21/12/2023 01:49

He sounds like a nightmare already. He knows you're desperate for clarification and he's not giving it to you. Either that's because he's lost interest and is to cowardly to say so, or, more likely, because he wants to keep you feeling insecure so he has all the power.

If he does suddenly change his tune and goes back to love bombing, you've got proof this will go around in circles until you're his puppet or you leave.

Either way, he's not a good person to waste your feelings on.

Ladyj84 · 21/12/2023 01:50

Sorry but if someone new came along and acted like this I wouldn't be messaging back. Already having to pander to what's wrong with him etc and trying to smooth something but you don't know what it's just weird. You sound lovely tho

Muchof · 21/12/2023 01:50

I feel like the spiel around having being hurt and taking long to trust were just an advance excuse for poor behaviour / pulling back / easy get out clause. I mean most people have been hurt at some point and nobody likes it.

I think he has just lost interest to be honest, I’d just leave it now.

LadyGAgain · 21/12/2023 02:02

Read "he's just not just into you" and regain your power.
I did this.
We got married!!!

LadyGAgain · 21/12/2023 02:03

Muchof · 21/12/2023 01:50

I feel like the spiel around having being hurt and taking long to trust were just an advance excuse for poor behaviour / pulling back / easy get out clause. I mean most people have been hurt at some point and nobody likes it.

I think he has just lost interest to be honest, I’d just leave it now.

I agree 100%

Daisylookslost · 21/12/2023 02:19

If you leave it I think after a week or so it will sink into his thick head that you have left it. Then you will probably get a text saying something like ‘Hey stranger, haven’t heard from you in a while how’s things? I was thinking to take you out to dinner as we got on so well the other week…’ then you can be busy washing your hair. He will realise what he’s lost; men don’t respond to words, they respond to no contact. I think that was from the book Why Men Love Bitches, defo add this to your reading list too!

chocolateorangeinhaler · 21/12/2023 05:06

It's the curse of the on line dating. Even though you think you don't you absolutely do build up an image of that person and what they are like. It's usually fits your narrative of what you like in a person.

Then you meet in person.

Then you realize the person in front of you is not the person you think you knew for the last month. It's not that anything is wrong with them. It's just 'not quite right' for them.

I think that's what's happened here. If you do decide to move on maybe next time meet sooner before either side starts to emotionally invest.

Olika · 21/12/2023 05:39

Sounds too complicated with him. Just move on.

RowanMayfair · 21/12/2023 06:01

All this shit about 'going slow because he's been hurt in the past' is a line. Men trot it out as a preemptive excuse for bad behaviour. He's lost interest, it's frustrating and upsetting but you don't want to waste time on someone who's not interested.

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 21/12/2023 06:04

He's already got you playing the 'what have I done wrong', 'how do I support this poor hurt man'. Hate a petted lip on an adult. Throw this one back in. You're not rehab for wounded men. Better luck with the next! This one would only get worse.

GreyCarpet · 21/12/2023 06:13

I hear what you are saying.. but perhaps he was waiting for me to contact due to his insecurities around being hurt and taking a lot to trust someone. He arranged for us to meet; put himself out there by asking so surely it’s polite for me to say thank you for a nice evening?

No, no, no.

You're missing the red flagsand the more obvious question.

Do you really want to start a relationship with someone who's so insecure they'd ignore you because you messaged outside of their very specific timescale?

He's either just lost interest or he's training you and will come back in a couple of days with a tale of how it triggered him and much he liked you and how special you are. And you'll promise to do better and be more sensitive to his needs and, bang, you're walking into a controlling relationship.

GreyCarpet · 21/12/2023 06:13

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 21/12/2023 06:04

He's already got you playing the 'what have I done wrong', 'how do I support this poor hurt man'. Hate a petted lip on an adult. Throw this one back in. You're not rehab for wounded men. Better luck with the next! This one would only get worse.

This.

GreyCarpet · 21/12/2023 06:14

RowanMayfair · 21/12/2023 06:01

All this shit about 'going slow because he's been hurt in the past' is a line. Men trot it out as a preemptive excuse for bad behaviour. He's lost interest, it's frustrating and upsetting but you don't want to waste time on someone who's not interested.

And this.

GreyCarpet · 21/12/2023 06:17

Don't think you can love him better and he'll realise you won't hurt him, and he'll learn to trust you etc

Of course, he might just be a flakey, ghosty shit. But that's actually preferable to the alternative.

category12 · 21/12/2023 06:22

GreyCarpet · 21/12/2023 06:13

I hear what you are saying.. but perhaps he was waiting for me to contact due to his insecurities around being hurt and taking a lot to trust someone. He arranged for us to meet; put himself out there by asking so surely it’s polite for me to say thank you for a nice evening?

No, no, no.

You're missing the red flagsand the more obvious question.

Do you really want to start a relationship with someone who's so insecure they'd ignore you because you messaged outside of their very specific timescale?

He's either just lost interest or he's training you and will come back in a couple of days with a tale of how it triggered him and much he liked you and how special you are. And you'll promise to do better and be more sensitive to his needs and, bang, you're walking into a controlling relationship.

This.

XmasPartyhat · 21/12/2023 06:27

chocolateorangeinhaler · 21/12/2023 05:06

It's the curse of the on line dating. Even though you think you don't you absolutely do build up an image of that person and what they are like. It's usually fits your narrative of what you like in a person.

Then you meet in person.

Then you realize the person in front of you is not the person you think you knew for the last month. It's not that anything is wrong with them. It's just 'not quite right' for them.

I think that's what's happened here. If you do decide to move on maybe next time meet sooner before either side starts to emotionally invest.

I totally agree with this actually. For you and him.

I would just let this one go. He basically got in a sulk cos you didn't text first. Do you want someone who sulks when you don't behave how he expects?

BillionaireTea · 21/12/2023 07:02

You can read about avoidant attachment if you want to make sense of it for yourself- there are people who are totally warm and into it then it's like a switch is thrown and they're checked out. Nothing you can do.

GreenLight23 · 21/12/2023 07:09

He’s just changed his mind/lost interest and he’s backing off. How rude to not even open your message.

Don’t take any notice of him saying he’s been hurt. It’s nothing to do with it. He doesn’t want to see you again so he’s gone all cold on you instead of just telling you. It happens all the time on online dating.