Why has he pulled away all of a sudden??!

[Loulouuuu]

Hey,

So me and this guy have been talking for about a month, messaging every day and it’s been great conversation.
after talking for about 2 weeks, we met up, it was great.. we had such a laugh together, everything about it was just great. I messaged the next day to say thank you for a nice time yesterday etc and we carried on talking all was good..
we met a second time and again, can’t complain, amazing time with him, so much laughing and chemistry this time conversation got a little deeper.
he told me he wears his heart on his sleeve and it takes him a lot to trust someone as he’s been hurt in the past. Anyway, when I left I said thank you for a lovely evening and he said ‘see you soon’

this time, I didn’t message him right away I left it until later the next day as if I’m honest I didn’t want to bombard him! I absolutely wanted to speak to him, but I’m conscious of coming across too much. I genuinely like him and where it was going.. anyway when I did messaged I just asked how his day had been.. to which he replied ‘I thought I’d done something wrong,haven’t heard from you’ to which I reassured him he hadn’t at all and I just didn’t want to pester him! Anyway.. convo over the next couple of days was pretty basic, not like usual.. I asked if he was okay as seems he’s not feeling it all of a sudden to which he said he is feeling it he’s just tired.

next day, he said he just feels a bit meh.. but doesn’t know why. Said maybe he just needs a good night sleep.. convo still quite cold compared to before.. as time is going on, I’m taking this as he’s not feeling it but not being straight up. But he’s still asking how my day was etc.. just something seems off?

anyway, I asked if I was seeing him again and he said when am I next free.. I told him and it kinda got avoided.. so I couldn’t bare it anymore and I sent him a message to say I really feel something is off, and I’m sorry if I’m causing a bad vibe over nothing but I have to bring it up cos I’d rather we be honest with each other. I said I understand if he doesn’t want to continue talking but rather he be honest cos I don’t want to put in unnecessary effort if he’s checked out. this was yesterday and he’s not even opened the message..

i have feelings too, and don’t want to get hurt. I’m willing to work at his pace slowly if it’s due to wanting to take a step back as he’s protecting himself but I can’t get to grips with whether that’s the case or he’s just all of a sudden changed his mind?

instead of allowing him space I’ve thought he’s uninterested so pestered him with whether he’s feeling it or not which has pushed him away more cos he needs to regulate his emotions? Could this be the case? Or am I being naive as f**k here?

he doesn’t do dating apps, one night stands, doesn’t fuck about, just seems like a genuine guy who has been hurt in the past and is maybe being cautious?

How do I go about this?

I’ve never dealt with a guy who has been hurt previously? I’m very up front so he would always know where he stands with me! But I can understand acting with caution but I wish I could reassure him that I have only good intentions! But I also don’t want to do that if he is ghosting me cos I look like a right sop! 😂

surely if we had a great time both times, great convo up until he got a little insecure and thought something was up. He was very complimentary of me in person. Said he had a really lovely time with me.. then bam, something changed over night.

sooo confused. It’s bugging me so bad cos genuinely feel we have a brilliant connection.
I guess just give him space now right??

help me out guys!

It's hard to know where this guy is coming from.
If he is cautious of a new relationship then why meet you.
Go try and meet someone straight forward uncomplicated, as with dating it's a never ending game.
If I was you I would date several people to see who you really hit it off with.

Dating is tough at times but it doesn’t always need to be. With OLD, you need to have a v brief bit of interaction and then meet quickly. It is very easy to build up a false image and intimacy. There are lots of men, often attached, who just want to chase online, feel wanted and then back off.
I saw dating like fun interviews, and I did a lot of dating! By telling you all this, he’s laying the groundwork for being flaky with a get out clause. You seem very kind and considerate, so value your worth, say you enjoyed your dates, but perhaps you’re on different pages and wish him well, then block. The pp who said you’ll get a message down the line is right. If you like him, you could get drawn into a cycle of this. OLD particularly needs a thick skin. Think of it like when you browse MN, you may enjoy lots of different threads but only post on a few, and rarely pm. It’s him, not you. Good luck!

The “I’ve been hurt”line is a classic to excuse bad behaviour.

He’s likely been chatting to other people, maybe more into someone else.

I agree with the pp who said to meet quicker, so you don’t invest too much first.

The right man won’t spout all this stuff.

The right man would chase you and wouldn’t be acting like this imo

OP - I'm glad I did my courting 30+ years ago before the days of texting - it seems an absolute minefield.

I appreciate that's the way relationships often start these days (I have a DD) and it's a good way to connect with someone you've met on a dating app or through friends' social media. However, after you've actually met in person I think people should stop the bloody incessant texting!!!

There's too much room for misunderstanding and you can get into a tizzy wondering why he didn't use a certain emoji or why he did use a certain emoji.

And I don’t mean to sound like a dinosaur but people share their emotions and feelings too much. He's been hurt and scared to trust? Not your problem - you just want some fun for now! He's feeling "meh" - well get over it, man!

If I were you, I'd wait for him to get in touch and when he does tell him "Aunt Cornelia thinks we should stop texting and actually go on some dates. When are you free to see Wonka?"

This!

Men have been full of these lines long before online dating! I’m old, and my friends and I heard all the same stuff then

Basically this guy is gaslighting you. I would just not bother because you will spend the whole relationship on egg shells trying to make him happy when he couldn't give a shit about your feelings.

Please don't think too hard about this. He's not for you. A couple of dates and texting does not tell you who he is deep down. He can just put a mask on in that time.

It shouldn't be this hard this early on

Sadly people do change their mind in these circumstances. I was dating a colleague last year / early this year; he was declaring undying love one minute; then went all funny the next. Literally overnight.

It's really important at the start of a relationship for the other person to like REALLY FANCY YOU for it to continue.

If anyone had ever said to me after a couple of dates "Are you OK"..., "You seem different"... etc because of a slight change in tone, I would most likely have ended it pretty soon.

By all means think these things but DO NOT VOCALISE THEM!

I think he’s just not interested enough sorry to say.

Men are people who want to get what they want…. If he was interested he’d let you know.

Would anyone really start talking about how they'd been hurt in the past or find it hard to trust on a first or second date? Even if I had, I wouldn't say so. I'd just act normally and keep conversation positive as possible until I know them better. Is it really necessary to unburden yourself so early? I think it's weird.

@GreyCarpet has it.
@Loulouuuu walk away. And do not look back!

“I feel like the spiel around having being hurt and taking long to trust were just an advance excuse for poor behaviour / pulling back / easy get out clause. I mean most people have been hurt at some point and nobody likes it.”

This. But also - no-one can trust from the outset. Trust can only grow over time because it has to be based on extended periods of consistent behaviour from a person. This is not to say that you shouldn’t throw yourself into the experience if you want to, but just keep a clear head as well.

That’s why you have to take early declarations of love and commitment with a pinch of salt because they aren’t based on reality. No-one truly knows at the very outset how a relationship will unfold long-term even if it seems to be going very well.

The outset of a relationship is full of uncertainty - it is a fun adventure where over time you learn whether or not the other person will keep showing up. He’s stopped showing up.

So much wisdom on this thread!
can totally relate to this and amazes me there are so many of these men around.

Thank you all so much for your comments and honestly.
it kind of has hit me this morning that I’m excusing his behaviour too much.. yeah okay some people find it hard to trust but I didn’t do anything wrong by taking time to send him a message.
ive probably pushed him away asking if he’s okay as something seems different. I should have just gone with the flow.. but I only asked due to the comment of finding it hard to trust, I wanted to be transparent that I’m not playing games and am considering his feelings. But like people have said.. if you want something, you go for it. Whether you are afraid to get hurt you would still go for what you truly want. He just doesn’t want me.
he’s obviously gaslighted me telling me all this lovely stuff. God knows why.. we seemed so on the same page with stuff.

like one person said about avoidant personalities.. certainly seems that way.

oh well, just need to move on from it I suppose!
id be lying if i said it hasn’t hurt a little..
although it was early days its the first person I’ve felt a connection with like that since my last very long term relationship and that broke my heart.. I just feel like im destined to be alone at this point! How I don’t notice these red flags I don’t know..

it’s so consuming people saying all these lovely things that they don’t mean.. however, it hits even harder when they say these lovely things and you take them on board and appreciate them for it to all be a lie..

oh well.. onwards and upwards hey.

Merry Christmas all x

You can tread on egg shells around a person for all sorts of things - not solely because they get angry and might punch a wall.
If you tread on eggs shells because of their insecurity, you're still, treading on egg shells. And that isn't fun.
You are agonising two dates in on whether or not you should have sent a massage sooner!! That's batshit isn't it?
However fun he was, however compatible you are, you can't be treading on egg shells about timing of sending a text. It would do your head in.

You’ve gone massively wrong here by penpalling for weeks.

You match- date should be arranged for that week. If it’s ’oh he’s busy at work’ or ‘oh he travels a lot’ - then he’s clearly not available for a relationship right now if that’s what you want!

sounds like you’ve built each other up way too much. Texting is fake emotional intimacy. You’ve fallen for him, and he’s less keen once it’s real life. Plenty of men literally use OLD to play at having a girlfriend but they don’t really want one.

as to all of the complimentary stuff: newsflash- men can lie and overexaggerate. They’ll say what you want to hear. Not meeting for weeks is a red flag. Banging on about how he’s ’not a player and doesn’t do one night stands’, a red flag. I OLDated a lot and men who were desperate to tell you this were bad news. Nice men don’t feel the need.

do not read into attachment styles or dwell on his insecurities- WHY? he’s not interested and neither should you be.

OLD is not for building text-based relationships. It’s for dating. It’s not that deep. You’ve had two dates and he’s slow fading and he’s a head fuck- PULL AWAY. It’s insanity to dwell on this any more.

Oh soooo many of them do this! It gets utterly boring and exhausting….for whatever reason, he’s lost interest, honestly cut your losses and move on. A guy you’ve seen twice is honestly not worth the effort or heartbreak of unravelling why he’s pulled away x

I don’t know if this might help.

I read an article written by a woman ‘relationship expert’ that more or less says that men like to make sure that the women likes them before they decide if they like the woman.

I don’t think this ‘expert’ was a trained psychologist or anything. I think it’s more likely that a certain personality type (maybe more common in men?) does this.

They need/like the ego boost before they analyse their feelings and realise they’re not that bothered.

He might not be into you.

But I think its more likely he is testing boundaries now because if they are strong, he won't be interested but if he sees he can push them he will be back. Expect a message from him. Some version of "I'm sorry, I just like you a lot and I panicked and I got messed up in previous relationships and I couldn't take the pressure of your questions but I really like you so can we try again".

Then you ho out and have a lovely time and he tells you all the things you want to hear but the next day, you are unsettled - should you contact him? If I contact too early will that be pressure? If I contact too late will that make him think I don't like him?

And so the spiral starts.

Ps- did it not occur to either of you that it would have been nice for HIM to reach out first after at least one of the dates?

Thank you al for further comments! So much knowledge and appreciation for your thoughts.

and you are right, he’s either just ghosting me now or will reach out apologising but if I go back there I’ll be treading on egg shells. I usually would never let someone treat the situation this way so early on.. I got caught up in the fact we go on incredibly well, and he only opened up about being hurt as I asked if he dates much/had a recent relationship to which he said he doesn’t do dating apps, doesn’t date much and takes him a lot to trust someone. I then asked why and he explained due to past heart break. So cos of this I was cautious when things started to seem a bit off after he made the comment of feeling like he had done something wrong..

i also just want to clarify we didn’t meet on a dating app. We have mutual friends so got messaging that way, and we only didn’t meet sooner as I was unwell and couldn’t leave the house. As soon as I was well, we met.

Im usually able to think about situations like this quite logically but for some reason this time it’s really hard to understand what is what here.
I know it sounds heavy after 2 dates.. but as we’ve know about each other for a couple of years (I was in a relationship) so we didn’t contact until recently.. I’d be lying if I said he hasn’t always intrigued me cos he has! And he said he’s always found me very attractive but wouldn’t of reached out whilst I was in a relationship but I’ve always I intrigued him and I said funny you say that as you’ve always intrigued me too.. guess it was all words and to good to me true hey!

Interesting that you see him "opening up" about past heartbreak on date 2 as a positive. I would see that as a negative and a red flag. That early on dating someone I don't want to be dealing with big emotions.

To me, by "sharing" all this on date 2 he is ry giving you a warning ... I am going to be shit but that's not my fault.

The best outcome here is that he's flaky and rude. The alternative is that he likes to play games with other people's emotions. I think that's more likely, unfortunately.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you've had a lucky escape.

I completely get how gutting it is. You, however, did absolutely nothing wrong. If he'd messaged first and you'd left him on read for days, yeah fair enough. I don't see how he can be off with you because you didn't message quick enough. I hope you're okay.