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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has he pulled away all of a sudden??!

66 replies

Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 01:08

Hey,

So me and this guy have been talking for about a month, messaging every day and it’s been great conversation.
after talking for about 2 weeks, we met up, it was great.. we had such a laugh together, everything about it was just great. I messaged the next day to say thank you for a nice time yesterday etc and we carried on talking all was good..
we met a second time and again, can’t complain, amazing time with him, so much laughing and chemistry this time conversation got a little deeper.
he told me he wears his heart on his sleeve and it takes him a lot to trust someone as he’s been hurt in the past. Anyway, when I left I said thank you for a lovely evening and he said ‘see you soon’

this time, I didn’t message him right away I left it until later the next day as if I’m honest I didn’t want to bombard him! I absolutely wanted to speak to him, but I’m conscious of coming across too much. I genuinely like him and where it was going.. anyway when I did messaged I just asked how his day had been.. to which he replied ‘I thought I’d done something wrong,haven’t heard from you’ to which I reassured him he hadn’t at all and I just didn’t want to pester him! Anyway.. convo over the next couple of days was pretty basic, not like usual.. I asked if he was okay as seems he’s not feeling it all of a sudden to which he said he is feeling it he’s just tired.

next day, he said he just feels a bit meh.. but doesn’t know why. Said maybe he just needs a good night sleep.. convo still quite cold compared to before.. as time is going on, I’m taking this as he’s not feeling it but not being straight up. But he’s still asking how my day was etc.. just something seems off?

anyway, I asked if I was seeing him again and he said when am I next free.. I told him and it kinda got avoided.. so I couldn’t bare it anymore and I sent him a message to say I really feel something is off, and I’m sorry if I’m causing a bad vibe over nothing but I have to bring it up cos I’d rather we be honest with each other. I said I understand if he doesn’t want to continue talking but rather he be honest cos I don’t want to put in unnecessary effort if he’s checked out. this was yesterday and he’s not even opened the message..

i have feelings too, and don’t want to get hurt. I’m willing to work at his pace slowly if it’s due to wanting to take a step back as he’s protecting himself but I can’t get to grips with whether that’s the case or he’s just all of a sudden changed his mind?

instead of allowing him space I’ve thought he’s uninterested so pestered him with whether he’s feeling it or not which has pushed him away more cos he needs to regulate his emotions? Could this be the case? Or am I being naive as f**k here?

he doesn’t do dating apps, one night stands, doesn’t fuck about, just seems like a genuine guy who has been hurt in the past and is maybe being cautious?

How do I go about this?

I’ve never dealt with a guy who has been hurt previously? I’m very up front so he would always know where he stands with me! But I can understand acting with caution but I wish I could reassure him that I have only good intentions! But I also don’t want to do that if he is ghosting me cos I look like a right sop! 😂

surely if we had a great time both times, great convo up until he got a little insecure and thought something was up. He was very complimentary of me in person. Said he had a really lovely time with me.. then bam, something changed over night.

sooo confused. It’s bugging me so bad cos genuinely feel we have a brilliant connection.
I guess just give him space now right??

help me out guys!

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 21/12/2023 12:30

Forget him. Too much work!

SOxon · 21/12/2023 12:40

you are clutching at straws, OP

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 21/12/2023 13:06

Honestly, you don't know him very well at all; you just feel like you do and so you're mourning what you thought it might become and not what it is.

It's hard but don't waste your time on him. His behaviour is telling you very loudly who he is: listen to that rather than the words he says.

DeeCeeCherry · 21/12/2023 13:08

he told me he wears his heart on his sleeve and it takes him a lot to trust someone as he’s been hurt in the past

The minute I heard this common whinge, I'd have detached. It's a get out clause, when he's bored he can revert to not bring able to trust, not wanting to get into deep feelings..blah blah blah.

Also designed to have you jumping thru hoops to prove you can be trusted. Are you there to do penance for another woman you don't even know, who has hurt this man in the past? If its even true - he's likely spinning a line. & even if it were true, what difference does it make and who wants to hear all that at the outset anyway?

If he's that wounded then he shouldn't be with anyone right now, should he? But - he's just not that into you tbh hence he'll mess with your feelings

littlebopeepp234 · 21/12/2023 13:11

Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 10:43

Thank you al for further comments! So much knowledge and appreciation for your thoughts.

and you are right, he’s either just ghosting me now or will reach out apologising but if I go back there I’ll be treading on egg shells. I usually would never let someone treat the situation this way so early on.. I got caught up in the fact we go on incredibly well, and he only opened up about being hurt as I asked if he dates much/had a recent relationship to which he said he doesn’t do dating apps, doesn’t date much and takes him a lot to trust someone. I then asked why and he explained due to past heart break. So cos of this I was cautious when things started to seem a bit off after he made the comment of feeling like he had done something wrong..

i also just want to clarify we didn’t meet on a dating app. We have mutual friends so got messaging that way, and we only didn’t meet sooner as I was unwell and couldn’t leave the house. As soon as I was well, we met.

Im usually able to think about situations like this quite logically but for some reason this time it’s really hard to understand what is what here.
I know it sounds heavy after 2 dates.. but as we’ve know about each other for a couple of years (I was in a relationship) so we didn’t contact until recently.. I’d be lying if I said he hasn’t always intrigued me cos he has! And he said he’s always found me very attractive but wouldn’t of reached out whilst I was in a relationship but I’ve always I intrigued him and I said funny you say that as you’ve always intrigued me too.. guess it was all words and to good to me true hey!

Honestly op he sounds like he’s avoidant. I don’t buy all the ‘I’ve been hurt in the past so I’m ghosting you’ rubbish! I have also been hurt in the past but I don’t ghost people. I think what he means is that he’s a twat and women have left him for playing mind games and disappearing. All this going quiet for no obvious reason (and the only person who knows why he is doing it is him) is a very passive aggressive way to treat someone. I wouldn’t waste my time playing his guessing games, just leave him be.

category12 · 21/12/2023 13:17

DeeCeeCherry · 21/12/2023 13:08

he told me he wears his heart on his sleeve and it takes him a lot to trust someone as he’s been hurt in the past

The minute I heard this common whinge, I'd have detached. It's a get out clause, when he's bored he can revert to not bring able to trust, not wanting to get into deep feelings..blah blah blah.

Also designed to have you jumping thru hoops to prove you can be trusted. Are you there to do penance for another woman you don't even know, who has hurt this man in the past? If its even true - he's likely spinning a line. & even if it were true, what difference does it make and who wants to hear all that at the outset anyway?

If he's that wounded then he shouldn't be with anyone right now, should he? But - he's just not that into you tbh hence he'll mess with your feelings

This.

"I've been hurt before" is such a red flag. (So have we all, ya whiner 😂)

Either you're match-fit for dating and are able to differentiate a new person from your ex, or you should stay on your own until you've got over it with therapy or whatever.

Or it's to set your new girlfriend's expectations at "low" and so the mindgames begin.

It's also a false intimacy thing.

NotLactoseFree · 21/12/2023 13:18

DeeCeeCherry · 21/12/2023 13:08

he told me he wears his heart on his sleeve and it takes him a lot to trust someone as he’s been hurt in the past

The minute I heard this common whinge, I'd have detached. It's a get out clause, when he's bored he can revert to not bring able to trust, not wanting to get into deep feelings..blah blah blah.

Also designed to have you jumping thru hoops to prove you can be trusted. Are you there to do penance for another woman you don't even know, who has hurt this man in the past? If its even true - he's likely spinning a line. & even if it were true, what difference does it make and who wants to hear all that at the outset anyway?

If he's that wounded then he shouldn't be with anyone right now, should he? But - he's just not that into you tbh hence he'll mess with your feelings

I so agree with this. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes when ExBIL, having made yet ANOTHER evening extremely uncomfortable with his moodiness and sulking, cornered me to say, "I know it's not great to behave this way but I but I just can't help it because I wear my heart on my sleeve." I can't remember exactly, but the underlying message was also that it was SIL's fault that he was upset in the first place.

And I just stood there thinking, "You really do believe this is a get out of jail free card don't you?"

Things deteriorated in our already shaky relationship then as I did say, "well, you'll have to work on that won't you as it's not really fair on everyone else is it?".

OP - this man is a walking red flag. He's already flakey and unreliable and is blaming YOU for his poor behaviour (he thought you didn't like him because you didn't text him soon enough). when he contacts you again (he will) just ignore it or tell him you don't see this working out.

PostingAnonymously · 21/12/2023 13:57

I feel like I know this guy! How old is he?

Original poster
Loulouuuu · 21/12/2023 14:12

@PostingAnonymously what makes you say that? 😬

OP posts:
GreenwichOrTwicks · 21/12/2023 14:16

The scary thing is that many of us are thinking we know him because there c are so many of them! I met mine through a mutual hobby, lots of acquaintances in common that became mutual friends, but that did not stop him ghosting me after 18 months of on/off me trying to help and reassure him.
If I meet similar again will follow the advice on this thread. If you need to second guess then either
he’s playing a game
or
he is too damaged to ‘fix’ and also not to waste energy psychoanalysing him.

StoneColdAlibi · 21/12/2023 14:23

If he's still not opened your last message please see if you can delete it. Just to avoid him having the satisfaction of knowing he had got under your skin.

festivetinseling · 21/12/2023 14:44

You really don't want to be dancing about pandering to this bloke's insecurities and lack of trust. You will be perpetually on the back foot and will never know whether he's going to blow hot and cold again, and whatever you do, I expect that somehow or other you will always be made to feel that it's your fault.

greenbeansnspinach · 21/12/2023 14:57

If he was a woman you were just getting to know as a friend, would you entertain this sort of behaviour?
we often put up with ridiculous responses from potential partners that we wouldn’t give time to from potential friends.
i agree with the poster who said “he’s training you”.
You sound absolutely lovely and a really nice person, and deserve to be treated with respect.

PostingAnonymously · 21/12/2023 17:01

@Loulouuuu got the exact same message from someone LMAO! But like a PP said, there's probably so many of them!

Didimum · 21/12/2023 17:27

ive probably pushed him away asking if he’s okay as something seems different. I should have just gone with the flow.

Urgh, OP. Listen, you will save yourself a lot of heartache and mental torture in the future if you completely stop these kinds of thoughts. Why on earth is HIS hurtful behaviour YOUR fault? You are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to express them and you are allowed to have your needs met. You are not a simpering, nodding robot who exists to make the relationship all about him. You do not have to ‘go with a flow’ that makes you feel unwanted, anxious and unhappy. Your needs are not a problem for which you need to absorb blame and alter yourself. Look for a partner who does not make you feel this way and make no apologies for what you are looking for in communication and matched energy.

Bookworm1111 · 21/12/2023 17:33

Call me cynical, but I think he was trotting out the compliments in the hope you'd sleep with him at the end of the date and when he realised it was going to take more than a few nice words, he decided the prospect of sex wasn't worth the effort. You've dodged a massive bullet, OP.

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