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Original poster

Husband sleeping with phone under pillow? - ladies what would you think/do

86 replies

alexis97 · 21/12/2023 00:41

Been having a pretty rough patch in my marriage since my husband started his new job. He has lots of new coworkers male and female. We are currently working on our marriage to improve it for us and the sake of our kids, he says I'm the only woman for him, I'm perfect, there's a reason why he asked me to marry him so soon etc.

He sleeps with his phone under his pillow, this is something he has been doing since he started his new role. I will be confronting him in the morning. What would you think?

OP posts:
WordOfTheDay · 21/12/2023 08:45

You've told on him to his mummy??

Original poster
alexis97 · 21/12/2023 08:55

WordOfTheDay · 21/12/2023 08:45

You've told on him to his mummy??

Edited

Absolutely I have, and she's in full agreement her son is going on ridiculous. When you've moved away from all of your family to relocate for his job who else do you turn to?

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 08:58

ChateauDuMont · 21/12/2023 02:06

'Hello husband, since you've started your new job you have been sleeping with your phone under your pillow instead of on the side by your bed.

Apart from the disturbance it causes from all the notification alerts, why are you now doing this?'

Why can't you just say that to him? 🤷🏼‍♀️

THIS

Whataretheodds · 21/12/2023 09:00

alexis97 · 21/12/2023 00:48

It constantly goes off, vibrates and makes noise. Its getting beyond a joke.

Show quote history

So ask him to move it and put it on silent.

Never mind who/what is messaging him, it's really inconsiderate to disturb your sleep like that.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/12/2023 09:03

alexis97 · 21/12/2023 08:55

Absolutely I have, and she's in full agreement her son is going on ridiculous. When you've moved away from all of your family to relocate for his job who else do you turn to?

Show quote history

I don’t think running to his mum was the right idea for problems within your marriage. If you can’t resolve them between yourselves/with the help of counselling, his mum telling him off for his wife isn’t going to do anything at all to make the relationship any better?

Also worth remembering that at the end of the day, he is her son first and foremost. Meaning that although she may be on side for now, there is only one of you that HAS to be in her life forever, and it isn’t you. So her ultimate loyalty will always lie with him. Have seen this happen to many of my friends, it does nothing for your relationship with him, his mum, or their relationship.

It’s time for a serious chat I think, maybe time for counselling together if you think that could help facilitate open and calm conversation (if that’s not possible at home) x

Grimpo · 21/12/2023 09:17

Can you have a look at his phone if he gets up to go the loo?

mommatoone · 21/12/2023 09:18

With all respect OP this doesn't sound like a relationship to bring a child into. He sounds like a dick.

Easipeelerie · 21/12/2023 09:23

On the basis of the further information you’ve given, I’d leave him.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/12/2023 09:36

OP what are you going to do? I take it your staying with a man who’s messing you around ?
He will Keep doing so if you have no respect for yourself why would he feel any need too.

Getting your mum to tell you off as an adult to stop something isn’t going to change anything . If he loves you he wouldn’t do it anyway ever.

wizzywig · 21/12/2023 09:38

Prison job? I'd be trying to get my hands on that phone.

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/12/2023 09:50

Have you tried to look at his phone or asked to see it? Hes clearly up to something

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 21/12/2023 09:52

wizzywig · 21/12/2023 09:38

Prison job? I'd be trying to get my hands on that phone.

I agree. The prison service, like the Police service is very well known to be a hotbed of affairs.

Original poster
alexis97 · 21/12/2023 10:02

wizzywig · 21/12/2023 09:38

Prison job? I'd be trying to get my hands on that phone.

I hear about it all the time, there's married people who keep trying to make advances on him and others I hear all of the gossip. It's absolutely disgusting.

All of his family are in the prison service or have retired, they warned him about this. Everyone just wants to sleep with everyone. I looked into a role in the education department and totally backtracked because this is not my environment.

We've never had a rough patch in the full 4 years till he started his role here. I encourage him to have nights out with mates, go on holidays, do whatever he wants to do and I stay with the kids so he can do those things, I feel like there's no respect for me. On late shifts I stay up waiting for him to get home with food on the table, a cuppa and a listening ear, wash his uniform, run a bath and get him comfies to wear. He's recently had to take some time sick as he wasn't great and he's waited on hand and foot, I've had a pretty rotten pregnancy from the get go and a toddler in tow, I've not been able to rest or put my feet up, I've always been that wife that puts him and our kids first no matter what so I just don't quite know what I've done to deserve this. I left my career at a very prestigious recruitment company so he could leave the army because he was so unhappy so that I could be there for the kids when he was on those long shifts, a job I loved to step back into a role I don't really want to be doing for the foreseeable at our child's nursery. I worked so hard to get that role. His face is always in his phone, I can't remember the last time we spent time together as a family

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 21/12/2023 10:11

Being Honest his mum might thing her son is being an arse and “Rip him a new one” but what’s it bloody matter if he’s cheating on you? Doesn’t change anything does it?

you can beg kick scream but if he wants to chest he’ll cheat. Do you want to force him to be faithful to you? Do you want him there because he feels a sense of duty?

if you want to know whether he’s cheating you don’t even have to look at his phone - just ask. Say I think you’re cheating on me and sending inappropriate messages so I want to see your phone. If he starts kicking off/suddenly drops his phone/chucks his phone out the window you’ll know.

and then for the love of god stand up and leave the bastard. He’s being disrespectful. Life is too short to disrespect yourself as well. Treat YOURSELF well even if he won’t.

cpphelp · 21/12/2023 10:24

He's not bringing in drugs or contraband to the prison is he?

Also, my cousins flat was in flames because she had her phone on charge under her pillow. Luckily both her and her flatmate were okay.

Dery · 21/12/2023 10:28

“I've always been that wife that puts him and our kids first no matter what so I just don't quite know what I've done to deserve this.”

OP - that’s not a good thing. Sure, put the kids first but no adult should be constantly putting another first - there should be a balance between his needs and your needs. Otherwise, you’re just teaching everyone that it’s your role to serve everyone else. It creates a very unhealthy dynamic.

Sorry you’re in this position. He has behaved atrociously but perhaps this can be resolved if he is genuinely contrite and properly changes his behaviour ie stops trying to live like he’s single.

Original poster
alexis97 · 21/12/2023 10:28

cpphelp · 21/12/2023 10:24

He's not bringing in drugs or contraband to the prison is he?

Also, my cousins flat was in flames because she had her phone on charge under her pillow. Luckily both her and her flatmate were okay.

No I can guarantee he's not, he doesn't have the minerals to do anything like that.
He's just developed a massive ego since joining the prison because he knows he's good at the job, which I have no doubt about it that he is. But his ego needs deflating.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2023 10:39

alexis97 · 21/12/2023 10:02

I hear about it all the time, there's married people who keep trying to make advances on him and others I hear all of the gossip. It's absolutely disgusting.

All of his family are in the prison service or have retired, they warned him about this. Everyone just wants to sleep with everyone. I looked into a role in the education department and totally backtracked because this is not my environment.

We've never had a rough patch in the full 4 years till he started his role here. I encourage him to have nights out with mates, go on holidays, do whatever he wants to do and I stay with the kids so he can do those things, I feel like there's no respect for me. On late shifts I stay up waiting for him to get home with food on the table, a cuppa and a listening ear, wash his uniform, run a bath and get him comfies to wear. He's recently had to take some time sick as he wasn't great and he's waited on hand and foot, I've had a pretty rotten pregnancy from the get go and a toddler in tow, I've not been able to rest or put my feet up, I've always been that wife that puts him and our kids first no matter what so I just don't quite know what I've done to deserve this. I left my career at a very prestigious recruitment company so he could leave the army because he was so unhappy so that I could be there for the kids when he was on those long shifts, a job I loved to step back into a role I don't really want to be doing for the foreseeable at our child's nursery. I worked so hard to get that role. His face is always in his phone, I can't remember the last time we spent time together as a family

Show quote history

Gosh you’ve sacrificed so much for him and he really doesn’t give a shit does he.

If I were you I’d be thinking up a plan to get back to that recruiting job ASAP. If that means moving back so you can get support from your friends and family, I’d do it. You need to put yourself and your future first, rather than a man child who has zero respect for you and everything you’ve given up for him.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/12/2023 10:47

My husband has his under his pillow because he gets up hours before I do. I can see how if it's not normal behaviour it would worry you.

DoDoDoD · 21/12/2023 10:48

alexis97 · 21/12/2023 02:31

The arguments have stemmed from him not respecting me, booking holidays with friends from his new job without letting me know and just expecting me to drop my plans and look after the kids, I bought tickets to a comedy show for his birthday, I had to end up selling the tickets because he chose to go away with people he had worked with for a month than go out on a well needed date night with his wife, he went very distant on me for a long time, romance went out the window, we were like 2 friends living under the same roof. Not forgetting him liking inappropriate pictures of a coworker and ringing and texting her outside of work about work. Since he's started this job he has become an arse. I love him so much but the last few months have been hell since he started this job

Show quote history

booking holidays with friends from his new job without letting me know and just expecting me to drop my plans and look after the kids sorry but that's just crazy. He can gush about how much he loves you all he wants, but love is a verb not just a feeling or word - he needs to actively love you and respect you or else if I was you I'd be checking out if your old firm would take you back and leaving him asap.

Fraaahnces · 21/12/2023 11:05

I would just move back to your support system if I were you. He’s being an entitled, dodgy fuck who is saying what he thinks you want to hear.

LorlieS · 21/12/2023 11:10
  1. Make sure the volume level is turned up to max.
  2. Ring it.
  3. Repeatedly.

Don't put up with this behaviour, you're worth far more.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 21/12/2023 11:11

You’ve been too nice.

You are waiting fir him all the time whilst he does nothing like this in return. Not even keeping you in the loop on his plans.
You’ve left a job you loved, a career, at a time when you are more vulnerable due to the pg.
And you’ve moved away from your support network.

And he KNOWS all of that. Even if subconscious, he knows it’s much harder for you to bollock him fur his behaviour, that tte price you’d pay for leaving him would be higher. And therefore you’re less likely to do it.

So yes, he is a twat who has no respect fir you.
But I’d start with stoping from playing nice.

(and yes, I’d assume he is having an affair re the phone)

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 21/12/2023 11:13

Btw I’d remind him that love is a verb.
It’s all well and good to tell you he loves you. But what is important are his actions. Are they showing care and love towards you?

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 21/12/2023 11:17

I think the only thing that might save your marriage is if he gives up his job.

You gave up a job you loved for the marriage, now it is his turn.

If he is not prepared to do that then I would leave.

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