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Original poster

What is needy?

54 replies

Snisel · 20/12/2023 21:17

What would you describe as needy behaviours and how exactly would you define the term? I’m interested in all examples from any kind of relationship, not just romantic. It can be romantic, friends, colleagues, whatever. Would like to know how to always recognise what is too needy and prevent behaving in such a manner. TIA

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2023 12:49

But you initially said the colleague was having a party and didn't invite you? Now it wasn't something they weren't hosting?

I appreciate you might wish to be vague but this is odd.

If it was something like "drinks for Dolly's retirement at the Slaughtered Lamb, all colleagues old and new invited" then it's perfectly fine to turn up. But not really fine to complain to the organiser that you weren't specifically invited along.

GenXisthebest · 22/12/2023 12:50

Whether it was needy or rude or whatever word you want to use, I don't think you should have done this. Better to accept the friendship isn't as close as you thought and reduce contact accordingly.

Lalalanding · 22/12/2023 12:50

Needy for me is making demands as an adult. For sure you can make requests of other adults and they can accept or reject the request but once it swerves into you trying to control the other person to get your needs met it becomes needy for me.

SandboxSalsa · 22/12/2023 13:00

Needy to me is trying to make someone fill the unfillable void with affirmation, reassurance etc. Also, as a PP said, it’s not sexy…

Or acting like people have obligations to you that they don’t, and getting angry when they don’t meet them. If someone doesn’t invite you to something, you can reassess the relationship, or tell them that you’re hurt, but almost always they were perfectly within their rights to decide that. Of course if I don’t invite my best friend to my birthday I can expect to take the friendship to take a hit though!

Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:05

NoKateMoss · 22/12/2023 12:47

If they weren't hosting or you didn't need their permission to attend then what's the problem? Had they asked others to join them and you felt left out?

Yes kind of this.
Like I did have every right to be there with or without their permission, I didn’t gatecrash so that’s not the issue at all.
It’s more the fact that, as it apparently didn’t occur to them to extend a personal notification, I’m wondering if it would have been more prudent for me to simply write them off instead of attending.
But on the other hand, if it was just a genuine oversight, then surely it was reasonable and constructive to approach them?
So that’s what I’m confused about.

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 22/12/2023 13:09

Snisel · 22/12/2023 03:20

In that context was I needy or did I act appropriately? Like should I have just left it since I wasn’t really invited or did I do the right thing to show up and clearly voice my feelings. TIA

“Voice your feelings”????

Oh hell, OP, that’s way overstepping.

It’s one thing to turn up at an open event that you know other colleagues are attending.
It’s a different league entirely to attend them harangue them for not explicitly including you.

Not sure I’d say needy. More extremely rude and inappropriate.

Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:11

category12 · 22/12/2023 12:49

But you initially said the colleague was having a party and didn't invite you? Now it wasn't something they weren't hosting?

I appreciate you might wish to be vague but this is odd.

If it was something like "drinks for Dolly's retirement at the Slaughtered Lamb, all colleagues old and new invited" then it's perfectly fine to turn up. But not really fine to complain to the organiser that you weren't specifically invited along.

Yes I wish to be vague sorry. It was organised by a company/organisation so there was no specific host.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:13

Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:11

Yes I wish to be vague sorry. It was organised by a company/organisation so there was no specific host.

Show quote history

A bit like your Slaughtered Lamb example yes. Let’s say along those lines

OP posts:
Krampussy · 22/12/2023 13:19

It's a bit confusing. Why do you feel they should have personally invited you?

Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:29

Krampussy · 22/12/2023 13:19

It's a bit confusing. Why do you feel they should have personally invited you?

They would have been well aware that I would have really wanted to go to this particular event as we had discussed similar on multiple previous occasions.

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 22/12/2023 13:45

Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:29

They would have been well aware that I would have really wanted to go to this particular event as we had discussed similar on multiple previous occasions.

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In which case, they didn’t ask you because they either expected you would be going anyway, or they don’t enjoy your company and we’re trying to avoid you.

MuckyPlucky · 22/12/2023 13:57

Snisel · 21/12/2023 11:05

Former colleague (from earlier this year) had a party and did not explicitly invite me. I went anyway and explained I was a little upset at not being invited and I would like to stay in touch better next year. Not sure if that comes across as too needy or not.

Show quote history

Do you generally find it hard to read and judge situations OP and often get it this crashingly wrong, would you say?

Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 13:58

LenaLamont · 22/12/2023 13:45

In which case, they didn’t ask you because they either expected you would be going anyway, or they don’t enjoy your company and we’re trying to avoid you.

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Interesting point, I wonder which of those it was though? That’s the real puzzle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 14:00

Watchkeys · 22/12/2023 12:49

Which authority would you answer to, with regard to your personality? Who can and can't tell you which of your needs are acceptable and which are not?

Your needs are an expression of who you are. Your responsibility to yourself is to be around people who accept you as you are, and who you feel good around. You will lead yourself straight to misery if you start changing your needs to match the requirements of other people.

Anybody who says you're 'too needy' means that you are too needy for them, but you weren't put on earth to please them, were you?

Dealing with something 'appropriately' is dealing with it in a way that respects you and (usually) others. It's not about whether the feeling is appropriate. So, for example, you don't get invited to a party, and you feel put out. You can decide to throw a brick through the hosts window (inappropriate), or calmly explain to them how you feel about it, at a convenient time to you you both. The feeling is the same. It's the behaviour that denotes appropriateness. You can't change your feelings, it's like trying to change the weather. They are your nature. They are your heart. Respect them, and don't let anybody tell you they're too much.

So, did you deal with your feelings in a way that was respectful to you and others? That's the real question.

Thank you for this, very thoughtful and insightful.

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 22/12/2023 14:03

Basically: it was the work team Xmas do (a team you left earlier this year). And the time everyone said “let’s keep in touch”, so you assumed they’d extend a special invitation to you for this years do…. They didn’t, probably as people’s memories are short and everyone’s busy living their own lives, so you went along anyway (which is kind of ok)….. but then you got all weird, grilling them for their poor etiquette.

The way you’ve viewed all this is v needy and self-regarding, and no humility.

Hbh17 · 22/12/2023 14:04

Just because we might want to go to something, doesn't mean we have a right to go. No invitation means "please don't show up". To then turn up AND make a fuss about a lack of invitation strikes me as being both awkward and inappropriate.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2023 14:14

If its a work do for a company you left then turning up is...probably not wise. Work friends-usually aren't actual friends. That's the reason you were not invited.

Anyone could have messaged you a heads up, but they didn't.

I understand why you wanted to go as I you'd spent aged around these people you may have grown attached. And a night out could feel like a proper leaving do, that you didn't get.

But unfortunately o think these people didn't view it this way or they wpuld have thought of you. Time to leave them in the past.

BranchGold · 22/12/2023 14:27

But why do you feel it was them who should have extended a direct invitation to you, when it wasn’t their event??

Prayfortheangels · 22/12/2023 14:47

Your friends are allowed to do things with you. Expecting them not to is needy.

Original poster
Snisel · 22/12/2023 15:26

MuckyPlucky · 22/12/2023 13:57

Do you generally find it hard to read and judge situations OP and often get it this crashingly wrong, would you say?

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How so? Who are you to say that?

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 22/12/2023 16:11

In romantic relationships, I'm both needy (anxious) and avoidant. I believe it's called a disorganised attachment style. I swing between the two unpredictably. It has meant that in my 40s I have a dismal relationship record and have been most of my adult life single interspersed with brief or intermittent attachments to various men. I did manage one long term relationship but that was largely based around my hormones/wanting a second baby (to a man who is a brilliant dad I might add). I don't know the answer! I certainly don't intend to ever live with a man again which will go someway to ameliorating the consequences of my attachment style but I don't know either how to be properly single (no men at all in anyway) or properly to commit in a healthy way. I am a mystery to myself!

I am a great mother, daughter, colleague and friend however. It's just in romantic entanglements that my worse side comes out.

Fannyfiggs · 22/12/2023 16:23

Apologies for being so blunt but if it's an ex-colleague, then they've probably forgotten about you. If it's an ex-colleague with whom you have kept in touch with and they didn't invite you, it's because they didn't want you there.

Either way, turning up isn't a problem, however confronting them may have been a little weird for them unless they genuinely just forgot to say to you about the event.

MuckyPlucky · 23/12/2023 10:42

Snisel · 22/12/2023 15:26

How so? Who are you to say that?

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Erm… I’m me 🤷🏼‍♀️

WandaWonder · 23/12/2023 10:45

Snisel · 21/12/2023 11:05

Former colleague (from earlier this year) had a party and did not explicitly invite me. I went anyway and explained I was a little upset at not being invited and I would like to stay in touch better next year. Not sure if that comes across as too needy or not.

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Turning up to a party when you are not invited? yes needy

Original poster
Snisel · 23/12/2023 11:39

MuckyPlucky · 23/12/2023 10:42

Erm… I’m me 🤷🏼‍♀️

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K…Well you’re jumping to conclusions about my character which is not your place at all. I ask for genuine advice about a specific issue, and you immediately turn it into a general criticism of my character, which is neither constructive nor relevant to the issue in question. But hey, each to their own.

OP posts: