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Original poster

What is needy?

54 replies

Snisel · 20/12/2023 21:17

What would you describe as needy behaviours and how exactly would you define the term? I’m interested in all examples from any kind of relationship, not just romantic. It can be romantic, friends, colleagues, whatever. Would like to know how to always recognise what is too needy and prevent behaving in such a manner. TIA

OP posts:

Member786488 · 20/12/2023 21:20

When all conversations have an ‘I’ in them?

generally needy people have to talk about everything in relation to themselves?

Doggymummar · 20/12/2023 21:22

Why didn't you call me, why didn't you get me one, why can't we go out. Why can't you pay, why can't you drop everything for me now. Why can't you drive, why can't you cook, open this jar, iron my shirt run me a bath, can you walk the dog id I need to wash my hair.

DramaAlpaca · 20/12/2023 21:24

Someone who feels the need to message me constantly throughout the day. I can't be doing with that.

samestyle · 20/12/2023 21:38

Someone that's too demanding of your time, being persistent , asking to meet up, do huge favours, I had a new friend and she would ask for big favours when I wasn't going through a great time myself, asked me to organise her birthday, move house, but it was all about her, I wouldn't normally mind but she wasn't someone I knew well and was very needy.

category12 · 20/12/2023 21:57

Snisel · 20/12/2023 21:17

Has someone criticised you for being "needy"?

If you have needs that aren't being met in a relationship or friendship, who gets to decide those aren't valid? Sometimes people accuse others of being "too needy" or "too sensitive" when it's actually them that's withholding normal relationship things or being unpleasant.

Without any context, it's difficult to say what's reasonable, what's needy and what isn't. Plus it varies between people and in dynamics what works for them.

gamerchick · 20/12/2023 22:05

Why are you asking OP? What do you think needy looks like?

Pinkbonbon · 20/12/2023 22:13

Agree with pp about the messaging.

Tbh even a few every day might get on my tits though xD Like, why do we need to message at all if we see eachother twice or more per week already? ...what's so necessary for me to see now via text that you couldn't just talk to me about in 2 days or something? Unless it's a really relevant, funny meme here and there or, to reschedule/plan something for our next date...I don't care. Certainly fuck off with 'good morning' texts. Like, right off. I find all that nonsense far too needy.

But some people love texting.

Either way, be aware of somebody wanting you glued to your phone though. Thats never a good sign.

Nor is them suddenly needing your attention or creating some drama when they know you are busy or have to concentrate on something important. Eg: you're studying for a test or your family are there for a rare visit.

Things like often asking you to run errands for them or do them favors. Even if its just little things. Because its a power play potentially. They know little inconveniences all add up.

Venting with you about all their life problems (which you may notice, could be easily solved if they made different life choices...but for some reason they seem to enjoy wallowing). Always bringing the topic back to their life and what's going on in it.

Seeming to expect special treatment and, being unable to apologise for their wrongdoings may also tie in with the neediness.

Crazycrazylady · 20/12/2023 22:24

For me it's constantly looking for reassurance ie tell me I'm gorgeous. Tell me how much you love me etc etc

A good friend recently broke up with someone because she required constant reassurance when he was with her and worse when he was out without her. It said it was deeply unattractive to him.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 20/12/2023 22:26

DramaAlpaca · 20/12/2023 21:24

Someone who feels the need to message me constantly throughout the day. I can't be doing with that.

This. I have a friend who does this and if l don't reply, the messages come thicker and faster. Does my head in.

Original poster

Snisel · 21/12/2023 11:05

gamerchick · 20/12/2023 22:05

Why are you asking OP? What do you think needy looks like?

Former colleague (from earlier this year) had a party and did not explicitly invite me. I went anyway and explained I was a little upset at not being invited and I would like to stay in touch better next year. Not sure if that comes across as too needy or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snisel · 22/12/2023 03:20

In that context was I needy or did I act appropriately? Like should I have just left it since I wasn’t really invited or did I do the right thing to show up and clearly voice my feelings. TIA

OP posts:

category12 · 22/12/2023 06:27

I'm a bit confused by what happened.

If you weren't invited to the party, why did you go? Was it an open invitation to all ex-colleagues, rather than specifically naming people? What sort of party was it?

I don't think it's bad to say "I'd love to stay in touch more", but it's not going to win anyone over to criticise them during their party.

Maybe you thought you were closer than they do?

I wouldn't describe it as needy more like pushy, but I've got visions of you gatecrashing a house party and telling off the host, which may not be what happened at all.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 06:33

Why did you go to a party when you weren't invited? I don't understand what neediness has to do with this. It just seems really cheeky to turn up when you haven't been asked to.

ElevenSeven · 22/12/2023 06:36

Neediness is usually in relation to people you have a relationship with; you ‘need’ too much of them.

Turning up, uninvited, to an ex-colleague’s party, then complaining about your feelings is really something else. That’s bizarre, tbh.

pictoosh · 22/12/2023 06:38

Needy...someone who wants more than their fair share of attention and who will manipulate you to get it.

pictoosh · 22/12/2023 06:41

Oh I see. Um...well, turning up to a party you weren't invited to and complaining about the lack of invite was...bold?
Not sure how I'd react if someone did that to me.

Josette77 · 22/12/2023 06:43

I think you came across as rude more than needy.

They didn't invite you and you showed up and confronted them.

That strikes as me you not respecting boundaries and struggling to read social cues.

Original poster

Snisel · 22/12/2023 12:38

It wasn’t a house party more an open event. They would certainly have been in a position to invite me, and didn’t, but it’s definitely not like I just turned up to their house or needed their explicit permission. That’s why it’s kind of a grey area where I’m not sure if I dealt with it appropriately.

OP posts:

Krampussy · 22/12/2023 12:40

I think it's pretty outrageous to turn up to a party you weren't invited to and complain to the host. They were probably aghast!

Maybe they don't want to "keep in contact", hence the lack of invite!

TheCadoganArms · 22/12/2023 12:43

In a relationship context it is the inability to be confident on your own, the daily requirement for affirmation, constant need to 'talk' about every facet of your emotional wellbeing, viewing every action through the lens of being a romantic gesture or not, feeling threatened by your partners other friendships

Original poster

Snisel · 22/12/2023 12:43

Krampussy · 22/12/2023 12:40

I think it's pretty outrageous to turn up to a party you weren't invited to and complain to the host. They were probably aghast!

Maybe they don't want to "keep in contact", hence the lack of invite!

No they weren’t the host. It was an open event in which they were participating but I didn’t need their express permission.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 22/12/2023 12:44

Hmmm, if you turned up to an event without being invited and then told your friend you want to be invited next year, then I’d say that was more rude than needy.

Krampussy · 22/12/2023 12:46

Then why do you feel they should have personally invited you?

NoKateMoss · 22/12/2023 12:47

If they weren't hosting or you didn't need their permission to attend then what's the problem? Had they asked others to join them and you felt left out?

Watchkeys · 22/12/2023 12:49

Which authority would you answer to, with regard to your personality? Who can and can't tell you which of your needs are acceptable and which are not?

Your needs are an expression of who you are. Your responsibility to yourself is to be around people who accept you as you are, and who you feel good around. You will lead yourself straight to misery if you start changing your needs to match the requirements of other people.

Anybody who says you're 'too needy' means that you are too needy for them, but you weren't put on earth to please them, were you?

Dealing with something 'appropriately' is dealing with it in a way that respects you and (usually) others. It's not about whether the feeling is appropriate. So, for example, you don't get invited to a party, and you feel put out. You can decide to throw a brick through the hosts window (inappropriate), or calmly explain to them how you feel about it, at a convenient time to you you both. The feeling is the same. It's the behaviour that denotes appropriateness. You can't change your feelings, it's like trying to change the weather. They are your nature. They are your heart. Respect them, and don't let anybody tell you they're too much.

So, did you deal with your feelings in a way that was respectful to you and others? That's the real question.

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