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Original poster

Separation - would it be better for the mum or dad to move out of the family home?

60 replies

Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 11:36

Just wondered what others might do in this situation.

I have been married to DH for over 20 years. We have three dc, all teens. The marriage has always had a lot of ups and downs and after a few very difficult years and a lot of grieving, I've made the decision to separate from DH.

DH is very upset, but mainly because he feels very sad that he won't see the dc every day, and have the family life that we have had. He has admitted that he is not in love with me any more, although we both see each other as a friend. He is also worried about our financial situation (as am I too, but I know we can make it work, it's just that things are going to be much more tight).

We can just about afford another 3 bed flat, to house one of us and the dc, and then one of us can stay in the family home with the dc. We're planning to share custody 50/50 as we both work flexibly.

The question is, who should move out? Neither of us wants to. DH has said he will move out, but is so stressed by the situation that has started having chest pains. The thought of moving out is not daunting for me, and actually I could see some advantages - the family home that we are currently in requires a lot of maintenance, and I like the idea of a smaller, easy to maintain flat.

However, I really don't want to move out of the family home - somehow I feel like the dc may think that I am leaving them. This may totally be prejudiced and gender stereotyping, but somehow I feel it is better for the dc if the father moves out and the mother stays - does anyone have any thoughts on this? Would the dc always feel that their primary home is the one they grew up in? Please let me know any thoughts on this, as I am very prepared to be told my view is biased.

I was a SAHM for many years but now back at work. Both DH and I have a good relationship with all dc.

If anyone has had any experience with this type of situation I would very much appreciate any thoughts!

OP posts:
HazelWicker · 20/12/2023 11:43

If they're all teens, I imagine they are old enough to understand whatever situation you go with. I think they would be inclined to see the family home as the default home, but I guess if the flat has any unique selling points (is it located somewhere really good?) that might help make it appeal more.

I know someone who split and had to leave with her child. But the child was under 2, so didn't have much concept of the situation. They very much see mum's house as the main house but they do something like 80:20 with mum.

Hont1986 · 20/12/2023 13:42

It's not a question of mum or dad, but usually who is the primary caregiver? Since you are both working, planning 50/50 care, and the children are in their teens, the concept of a primary caregiver is not really that relevant or clear in your situation. So I don't think there is a correct answer. Your view is biased, btw.

You could do that thing where the children stay in the same home but the parents swap who is living there every week. But that seems like a lot of hassle.

BombaySamphire · 20/12/2023 13:46

This will probably be unpopular, but I think the one who is “leaving”, that is; who initiated the split should be the one to move out.

Workawayxx · 20/12/2023 13:52

Could you sell the family home and purchase 2 equal properties, both suitable for the DC, now? A few people i know (especially with older DC), have tried to keep the DC in their home, thinking that would be best for them and the DC have ended up stressing about whichever parent ends up moving out (or the hassle of up keep for the parent who keeps the home). It would have actually been better to draw a line under things sooner. What's your longer term plan if you kept the family home and bought a flat - how would you equalise the asset split?

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 13:54

Which would be nearer school and their friends?

XmasPartyhat · 20/12/2023 13:55

Agree that it should be the primary care giver. There is no point one parent staying in the home when they leave for work at 5am and don't get home until 7pm every evening. While the parent who moved out needs to drive the kids to school every morning.

What is logistically better for the kids?

Nonamesleft1 · 20/12/2023 13:56

What’s the value of the flat vs the house?

what’s the financial situation?

surely the one who can best afford the more expensive property lives in it? If you, for example, can’t afford the mortgage on the house by yourself then you should move into the more affordable property.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2023 13:57

Most couples I know who have divorced have needed to sell the family home to free up equity so that both can buy something each.

summerlovingvibes · 20/12/2023 14:02

A friend of mine (the mother) moved out and left the family home to her exDH and they split care 50:50. Unfortunately it hasn't gone well for her for a couple reasons.

Firstly she has ended up with extra hidden costs due to the house she moved into, and she is definitely worse off now. Can barely scrape enough together for a meal out whilst her exDH goes off and has lavish holidays.

Now I'm not making this about my friend, I talked to her a lot about her financial situation when they split and this is her mistake that she made not ensuring everything was split equally. So make sure everything is considered with regards to buying a new property.

More importantly, the children are very upset because the exDH has met a new partner who doesn't like staying in his "marital home", so whenever he is with her they have to stay at her house. Unfortunately he sees his new partner all the time so when he has the children for his 50%, they are never at the marital home, so never with their own stuff / beds / environment. They have said they massively miss being at their own home, and this makes her very sad. Obviously shitty of the exDH that he doesn't consider this an issue / sacrifice seeing his new partner when he has the children etc. But these things happen.

So they now spend 50% of the time on blow up beds in his new partners house, living out of a bag. They are miserable but he won't agree to changing custody arrangements as he is happy with it. But they children aren't.

So this is definitely something to consider x

summerlovingvibes · 20/12/2023 14:05

My advice based on my friend over the last 2 years would be to sell and equally split everything, and buy 2 new smaller properties.

Ponderingwindow · 20/12/2023 14:08

I would first consider if you can truly afford to keep the family home. It isn’t worth sabotaging financial stability for either of you.

if you can, then based on what you have written, you should move out. Your husband is the more reluctant person here. You can’t justify keeping the house because of stereotypes or traditions.

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 14:13

I was in this situation eight years ago.

I don't want to stereotype all men, but could your husband cope with the house on his own? Because our 'family home' is now a shit tip, I am sorry to say. Is he neat and organised, is he prepared to keep on top of cleaning, decluttering, decorating, etc? Has he ever lived alone and managed his own place before? I know this sounds horribly sexist but just speaking from experience. It's very hard to see what was your home not looked after properly.

Things may be amicable now, but the person who stays will also be taking on the mortgage, if there is one. So if you (or he if he stayed) needed to sell up in the future for financial reasons, the person who leaves may be left with a smaller share.

I am very sorry that I left now, and I really would advise you to remain in the house until your children are at least eighteen - legally the person with custody would be entitled to do this anyway, I believe. I'd much rather live in a house with teenagers than a small flat - you all need your space day to day, but a couple of nights with their dad in the flat under a shared parenting arrangement would be okay.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/12/2023 14:26

When my ex and I separated, he moved out (he had an affair) and rented a house big enough for the dc to have a room each, whist I stayed in the family home and eventually bought him out.

The DC have gone to his regularly over the years but they have always seen the family home and me as 'home' and their dad's as their dad's. I think that is to be expected really, regardless of which adult stays there as that has been their home for a long time, whereas the new flat won't have been.

But they are teenagers so I'm sure they will still enjoy being at yours as you will be there and you will also be 'home' to them as much as their family home is in bricks and mortar.

naturalbaby · 20/12/2023 14:36

I'm in a very, very similar situation and considering the family home as a 'nest' home and we take turns spending time away. DH is very against leaving his home but has agreed to move out for a trial separation because I can't afford to rent a flat and he can.

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 14:41

“legally the person with custody would be entitled to do this anyway”

That is far from universally true.

Isheabastard · 20/12/2023 15:21

Have you asked the DC what they would prefer?

I instigated my divorce and I moved out, but I’m planning on leaving the area eventually as I have an adult child who no longer lives at home.

Which of you is more likely to start dating again? I think having a new partner staying in the marital home is more likely to be difficult for the dc, as a previous poster wrote.

in my experience men often seek a new partner quicker than women, and often the new relationship becomes as or more important than the dc. If that were likely with your husband, then he should move out.

I think you should stick with the decision that your ex moves out. He/you needs to find something that has some really good stuff going for it, then maybe he would be less anxious, and would see the new place as the better deal.

You need to downplay staying and big up leaving for him.

Unless the new place is so good it makes you want to live there

myNewName21 · 20/12/2023 15:42

If you are the one who wants to initiate the split, the you should be the one looking to move out really.

Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 15:54

Thanks all for your views.

@Workawayxx "What's your longer term plan if you kept the family home and bought a flat - how would you equalise the asset split?"

We are planning to have 50/50 of all finances and assets. Whoever stays in the family home would plan to sell it when the youngest dc is 18/19, so around 6 years time. At that point I guess we would have the flat valued and give the flat owner any money owing from the house sale, so would each end up with 50/50 if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 15:56

@SheilaFentiman "Which would be nearer school and their friends?"

DH and I would both stay in the same town, the dc would not have to move schools

OP posts:
Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 15:59

@XmasPartyhat that's a good point. The thing is, it really seems equal between DH and I - we both work mainly from home, have flexible working hours and both share driving dc around etc. I don't know who would be seen as the primary care giver. That would probably have been me when the dc were small as I was a SAHM, but now I am working and the dc are teens, it's pretty much equal between DH and I.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 16:05

@summerlovingvibes that sounds awful for your friend and her dc. I will definitely make sure that everything is split equally financially. I'm very sorry to hear her dc are now in that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 16:09

@AInightingale DH does absolutely no housework, cleaning or gardening - I know the house would very soon become a shit tip. I'm sorry to hear that has happened with yours, and that you wish you had stayed until your dc were 18.

It's such a difficult decision - I have been going back and forth in my mind for years about whether to stay or go, or if I can stay until the dc are older. I think it has got to the point where I just can't stay as the stress and anxiety of being around dh is causing me physical symptoms, and I am worried it will affect my long term health.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 16:17

Some pps have mentioned that I should be the one that moves out as I am the one that instigated this. I do understand that viewpoint, I've thought it myself as well.

I don't feel its a black and white situation though. DH was emotionally abusive to me for years, and took all his stress out on me (sorry for the drip feed, I didn't think it was relevant to mention that before, but maybe it was!). I tried for years to work on the marriage, and myself, but nothing changed. DH told me that he fell out of love with me years ago. So I have kept going in a loveless marriage for years, DH wants to carry on in the marriage, not because he loves me, but because he doesn't want the upheaval for himself or the dc. He does not feel anxiety or stress in this situation, whereas I do.

I've said to DH that we should sell the family home and both buy two new places, but he is adamant he wants the dc to stay in the family home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 16:23

@Isheabastard "Have you asked the DC what they would prefer?"

We haven't told the dc yet, we don't want to until we are more definite about things. I hadn't thought about asking their opinion - my initial thought about that is that I wouldn't want them to feel torn and feel they have to choose between DH and I, but maybe they need to feel they have some say in the matter.

"Which of you is more likely to start dating again?"

We've both discussed the fact that we might both date again in the future. That's a good point though about it being difficult for the dc if the new partner stays in the family home. I will talk about this with my DH.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 20/12/2023 16:33

@Iceblossom you already put yourself at a financial disadvantage when you sacrificed your career, pension and salary to have and stay home with the kids.

You need to claw some of that back. Sell the family house and get your fair share - which is MORE than 50/50.

Stop pandering to him. Its not your job to make it all easy on him.

Otherwise, you stay in the family home and he moves out. You claim your share PLUS what you are owed for those child rearing years.

See a solicitor, get the court orders in place and move on.