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Original poster

Separation - would it be better for the mum or dad to move out of the family home?

60 replies

Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 11:36

Just wondered what others might do in this situation.

I have been married to DH for over 20 years. We have three dc, all teens. The marriage has always had a lot of ups and downs and after a few very difficult years and a lot of grieving, I've made the decision to separate from DH.

DH is very upset, but mainly because he feels very sad that he won't see the dc every day, and have the family life that we have had. He has admitted that he is not in love with me any more, although we both see each other as a friend. He is also worried about our financial situation (as am I too, but I know we can make it work, it's just that things are going to be much more tight).

We can just about afford another 3 bed flat, to house one of us and the dc, and then one of us can stay in the family home with the dc. We're planning to share custody 50/50 as we both work flexibly.

The question is, who should move out? Neither of us wants to. DH has said he will move out, but is so stressed by the situation that has started having chest pains. The thought of moving out is not daunting for me, and actually I could see some advantages - the family home that we are currently in requires a lot of maintenance, and I like the idea of a smaller, easy to maintain flat.

However, I really don't want to move out of the family home - somehow I feel like the dc may think that I am leaving them. This may totally be prejudiced and gender stereotyping, but somehow I feel it is better for the dc if the father moves out and the mother stays - does anyone have any thoughts on this? Would the dc always feel that their primary home is the one they grew up in? Please let me know any thoughts on this, as I am very prepared to be told my view is biased.

I was a SAHM for many years but now back at work. Both DH and I have a good relationship with all dc.

If anyone has had any experience with this type of situation I would very much appreciate any thoughts!

OP posts:

SEG152 · 20/12/2023 16:39

I think you would be better off selling the house and splitting the money 50/50 and buying two places.

things May seem amicable and simple now but you need to think ahead to if either of you meet someone new and they are staying in the properties.

if you’re going to separate, just rip off the plaster and do it and accept the fact you are now living two separate lives. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends but it keeps things less complicated.

AuntMarch · 20/12/2023 16:43

The house will always be home.. I still call my mums house home and I'm almost 40!
They're also old enough to have a say and not need a parent home all the time so you may find they don't want it to be 50/50.

I don't think you can initiate a split and just decide the other party moves out though?

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 16:43

I also agree that selling and buying two new places would be better. My understanding is that courts prefer clean breaks too ie assess all the assets like house, pensions, savings etc and divide once, not having years of ongoing entanglement.

Given that it makes you feel ill being with him (understandable) - if he doesn’t maintain the joint house when you move out or whatever, I think that you will continue to feel ground down by him.

thedamnseason · 20/12/2023 17:00

I do think that selling would be better for a clean break emotionally and financially but if you are determined to keep the house then I think you stay. This is on the basis that he won't look after it and doesn't do anything in the house. That for me makes you the primary carer as parenting isn't just school runs and stuff like that. It's keeping the home running, taking on the mental load. If he doesn't do all that too then he's not an equal parent.
He could also drive down the value if he doesn't maintain it.

Hottenan · 20/12/2023 17:07

Divorce is never easy so prepare that what you write here will not be the reality of it. Teenage kids don’t want to spend time trotting being houses every week either.

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 17:25

Whatever you do good luck. He just sounds like a stick-in-the-mud - doesn't want the hassle of a separation and a move to the extent that it's giving him palpitations! Holy God it's a house move! If he stays until youngest child is 18, are you sure he will agree to go them, if it's just a verbal agreement between you? You need legal advice - how would you feel if he moved a new partner in, as pps have said?

Indifferentchickenwings · 20/12/2023 19:22

Ideal is rent a flat or a room and you take turns staying there ?

that’s the optimal in terms of the kids and actually both parents

needs boundary setting though

Inaspot21 · 20/12/2023 19:33

Years ago I was the one to move out of the family home despite being mum. I was the one who wanted to separate and I was also the one earning slightly less so would’ve required him to financially support me staying in the home as I couldn’t afford mortgage on our 4-bed alone. I didn't want to be reliant on him and also he would’ve struggled to afford anything buying or renting anything whilst supporting me which felt massively unfair when it was my decision. I rented a smaller 3 bed house till we divorced two years later and settled everything, he bought me out and I bought a new house. My kids are fine as adults (were 14 and 10 at the time) and whilst it was hard on them us splitting up, fortunately where each of us lived at the time had no bearing on their relationships then or later.

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 19:41

OP, if your husband is hopeless at maintaining a house ('does absolutely no housework, cleaning or gardening' ), do NOT leave him in the family home. Either a sale or you stay. Six years' neglect will lead to some serious value depreciation never mind any significant issues that arise from poor maintenance. It's a maddening, heartbreaking thing to witness.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 19:45

I agree with PP. Much better to sell the family home and buy two smaller properties.

Have you had legal advice?

MissSmiley · 20/12/2023 20:58

I divorced after twenty years, I bought him out and the kids stayed with me, previous poster is correct that teenagers often don't want to do 50/50, i don't think it matters who initiated, I did but it was down to my ex being abusive, we were amicable but that soon changed when the reality of the situation for my ex sunk in, he got really nasty, can you afford to buy him out? One secure home and a good relationship with the other parent is what matters, we're amicable again now 7 years down the line but the kids have appreciated a stable home and actually supported me fully with meaning the marriage.

Deargodletitgo · 20/12/2023 20:59

We split, my idea and he stayed in the family home. I bought not far away and we have 50 50 split of children. Luckily his new gf helps keep his house tidy 🙄

TheLurpackYears · 20/12/2023 21:21

As above, definitely. Go for 50:50 on cash and equity in the family home, but you need a good chunk of the pension you would have had if you hadn't had children and had been earning.

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2023 21:36

Indifferentchickenwings · 20/12/2023 19:22

Ideal is rent a flat or a room and you take turns staying there ?

that’s the optimal in terms of the kids and actually both parents

needs boundary setting though

Do not do this in a case where he won’t take care of either space, as you will just tidy/clean/stock fridge in both places

HamBone · 20/12/2023 21:46

A three-bedroom flat sounds expensive-if you’re staying in the same town, do you really need such a large one?

I’m assuming that your DC are too old for court-ordered contact time so they’ll probably want to spend time with the parent in the flat and go back to their original home to sleep. I’m guessing that your eldest is at least 16/17.

BubblesGalore81 · 20/12/2023 21:51

BombaySamphire · 20/12/2023 13:46

This will probably be unpopular, but I think the one who is “leaving”, that is; who initiated the split should be the one to move out.

I agree and was going to post the same

SausageAndEggSandwich · 20/12/2023 22:01

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 19:41

This is what I was going to say

If you move there may not be much money coming to you from the sale of the house after 6/7 years

You have to be realistic and stop trying to be "fair" to your own detriment. You are entitled to a split of the assets, and not to have to wait for it.

RantyAnty · 20/12/2023 22:25

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 19:41

So much this! I've seen a house ruined and worth 150k less in just 5 years of neglect.

Endoftheroad12345 · 21/12/2023 07:06

Don’t assume your split will remain amicable or that your ex will actually want the reality of 50:50.

I ended my marriage in November 2022 - my ex claimed he wanted 50:50 and that it would be amicable - in reality he now sees our (primary aged) kids every second weekend and was not remotely amicable in the split. He fought me tooth & nail on every penny - funnily enough didn’t put up a fight at all on childcare & pays statutory minimum child support (despite earning $$$).

My ex was also abusive - emotionally and occasionally physically. I don’t see why I should leave the family home bc I finally ended it. It sounds to me like your youngest is still quite young - 11/12? If you can afford to I would try to hang on to the house, or at least not move out until you know what you want to do. My ex would never have moved out - we “nested” for 6 months which meant I found and rented a property, furnished it single handedly and we rotated in and out of there and the family home until ex eventually stayed there permanently. Could be an interim option for you.

Pineapples198 · 26/12/2023 19:50

the best answer is for your children never to have to move. Rent a 2 bedroom flat. When you’re having the DC you stay in the family home. When it’s your exes turn he stays in the family home. The parent without the children stays in the flat (have a bedroom each with your stuff in)
the children are at home all the time and don’t have to move. By far the best way to keep things pleasant for them

Catlady1978 · 26/12/2023 19:50

@BombaySamphire out of interest, on what do you base this? Does this mean the victim of abuse who has had enough should move out? What about a spouse whose partner has had affairs for which they cannot forgive the other person?

For me the person remaining should be the primary caregiver.

Takenobull · 26/12/2023 20:06

With this in mind you definitely need some legal advice. I think you’d be quite surprised at what you’d be entitled to from a legal perspective. If he’s been emotionally abusive then he’s more than capable of manipulating the situation now.

JetBlackSteed · 26/12/2023 20:40

We are planning to have 50/50 of all finances and assets. Whoever stays in the family home would plan to sell it when the youngest dc is 18/19, so around 6 years time. At that point I guess we would have the flat valued and give the flat owner any money owing from the house sale, so would each end up with 50/50 if that makes sense.
**
Get this agreed in writing with solicitors involved. Cos i can pretty much guarantee you in 6 years time he will do no such thing, claim you left him with all the responsibilities and entitled to nothing.

His chest pains are a way of making you move and not him btw. He knows what side the bread is buttered. Seriously, see a solicitor and you'll find out how amicable he is when it's not in his favour.

unsync · 26/12/2023 21:06

Get good legal advice before you do anything. Don't agree to anything that will prejudice your future. You say husband has been emotionally abusive, make sure he's not still manipulating you to your disadvantage.

SD1978 · 26/12/2023 21:08

Surely it deoneds on who can afford the repair bills. If that's not you, then move. You're all amicable now, and plan on 50/50 but things can change. If you can't afford the upkeep of the house, then move somewhere cheaper.

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