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Original poster

Separation - would it be better for the mum or dad to move out of the family home?

60 replies

Iceblossom · 20/12/2023 11:36

Just wondered what others might do in this situation.

I have been married to DH for over 20 years. We have three dc, all teens. The marriage has always had a lot of ups and downs and after a few very difficult years and a lot of grieving, I've made the decision to separate from DH.

DH is very upset, but mainly because he feels very sad that he won't see the dc every day, and have the family life that we have had. He has admitted that he is not in love with me any more, although we both see each other as a friend. He is also worried about our financial situation (as am I too, but I know we can make it work, it's just that things are going to be much more tight).

We can just about afford another 3 bed flat, to house one of us and the dc, and then one of us can stay in the family home with the dc. We're planning to share custody 50/50 as we both work flexibly.

The question is, who should move out? Neither of us wants to. DH has said he will move out, but is so stressed by the situation that has started having chest pains. The thought of moving out is not daunting for me, and actually I could see some advantages - the family home that we are currently in requires a lot of maintenance, and I like the idea of a smaller, easy to maintain flat.

However, I really don't want to move out of the family home - somehow I feel like the dc may think that I am leaving them. This may totally be prejudiced and gender stereotyping, but somehow I feel it is better for the dc if the father moves out and the mother stays - does anyone have any thoughts on this? Would the dc always feel that their primary home is the one they grew up in? Please let me know any thoughts on this, as I am very prepared to be told my view is biased.

I was a SAHM for many years but now back at work. Both DH and I have a good relationship with all dc.

If anyone has had any experience with this type of situation I would very much appreciate any thoughts!

OP posts:
Vonesk · 26/12/2023 21:19

Seeing as your kids are teens, you could ask them to vote ( anonymously) whom they want to live with as AFTERWARDS THEY WILL VOTE WITH their feet and it will go pear shaped. You or DH could end up with small flat for 4 of you. Things can change very fast.
It might sound harsh but kids don't stay forever.
It's difficult to imagine right now.
If your DH is suffering then maybe he should ' buy YOU OUT' lest his chest pains could escalate and jeopardise the whole Shabbang.
If you are The One whom wants out, maybe you should bite the bullet and leave, at the end of the day. Just saying. God Bless, good luck.

snowdrop2011 · 26/12/2023 21:24

I was the one who moved out of the family home having instigated the split. We have two DDs 11 and 8. DH and I are amicable and split childcare 50:50. It works for us for him to be in the family home. I was worried, as you are, about it seeming to the kids that I was abandoning the marriage and the home and them. In reality of course it’s more complicated.
What I found was that when we told the kids, we were very careful to say that it was a joint decision first and foremost. And that helped reduce the idea of ‘fault’.
I am renting a house close by and it works for us. My older daughter has actually become more attached to the rental than their family home of 10+ years. Neither of them complain about living with me half the time - in a way it balances out, because we always have the mother-daughter bond.
I have to say that (a) it works because DH takes excellent care of the family home and (b) I don’t think this situation will last - like you I had hoped we could keep the family home at least until younger DD finishes primary school. But in reality I think we’ll want to both move on sooner than that. Too many memories in the family house.

Blueberry911 · 26/12/2023 21:31

Isheabastard · 20/12/2023 15:21

Have you asked the DC what they would prefer?

I instigated my divorce and I moved out, but I’m planning on leaving the area eventually as I have an adult child who no longer lives at home.

Which of you is more likely to start dating again? I think having a new partner staying in the marital home is more likely to be difficult for the dc, as a previous poster wrote.

in my experience men often seek a new partner quicker than women, and often the new relationship becomes as or more important than the dc. If that were likely with your husband, then he should move out.

I think you should stick with the decision that your ex moves out. He/you needs to find something that has some really good stuff going for it, then maybe he would be less anxious, and would see the new place as the better deal.

You need to downplay staying and big up leaving for him.

Unless the new place is so good it makes you want to live there

That's NOT fair to put that on your children. What they'd prefer. How awful.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 26/12/2023 21:36

If he's not interested in cleaning, tidying, decorating or gardening etc, and the flat owner has to wait 6 years to get their fair share of the money from the house sale then I think he should move out otherwise he is going to devalue the house through neglect and you will be financially worse off in 6 years time

But honestly you would be better selling now and having a clean break

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 26/12/2023 21:56

Personally I think that GENERALLY, the person who initiates the split should be the one to move out. There are exceptions, but given that you can afford to buy a three debroom place anyway, that sounds the fairest to me.

celticprincess · 26/12/2023 21:59

It’s interesting as I’m divorced nearly 10 years. Mine are now pre teen and teen. They have never really seen dad’s house as home. It’s dad’s house. I kept the family home. They have their own rooms. He’s moved several times and has since had another child but no longer with that mother either. So in his house one of mine shares a room. When he was living with the other mother both mine shared and the other child who lived there permanently had her own room but since they split he re ranged and now the younger 2 share. In their situation he kept the family home (rented) as she moved out. Not sure which home the other child sees are her home but I suspect it’s her mum’s home. But we don’t do 50/50 so that might sway things a bit. We tried 50/50 for a while but his work shifts make that pretty impossible and it’s supposed to be EOW but often longer.

You might find that depending on where the house and flat are situated in comparison to school and other friends that one becomes the default ‘home’.

On another note, my parents moved when I was 19 and at uni. My mum still lives there now 25 years later but that has never been my home even though I came back on holidays, lived there for a year a few years after graduating and visit regularly. My mum assumes it’s my home and tells me to treat it that way when I’m round but it’s never had that feel. So for this reason I suspect the family home the ferns have grown up in will be seen as the main home.

nosoworried · 26/12/2023 22:52

I have known a couple whose children stayed in a family home, but parents were alternating between the family home and newly-bought flat. They have decided that the children have to come first- because of schools, friends, etc. I am not in touch with them anymore, but the mother was really happy with that situation for the first couple of years or so.

JustTrying2021 · 27/12/2023 15:20

Well done for making this decision, sounds very tough. I know a family who bought a smaller flat and did a week on/off in the family home and the parent who wasn’t in the home used the flat. I mean it’s not ideal but it was a compromise.

YouknowIknowbest · 27/12/2023 20:01

My parents had a wonderful relationship and I had a fantastic relationship with both my parents. Yet I remember as an older teenager, my mum told me and my brother completely out of the blue and out of character that she was planning on leaving our dad. She told us she had been having a few viewings on a new house and that us 3 would be living together.

I distinctly remember telling her if she wanted to leave my dad and the family home, she was more than welcome to but I’d be staying with whichever parent remained in the family home, as I wasn’t prepared to disrupt my life on her whim. She tried to sell it to me as being able to decorate my own room and things but I remember saying she needn’t bother as I had a home and wouldn’t need another.

So I would be prepared that older teens may feel the same about having their lives uprooted and wanting to stay in the family home.

My mum never did follow through on leaving but I know I would have stayed at the family home no matter which parent left.

Louitash464 · 29/12/2023 23:49

my ex husband and I divorced when my children were 1 and 6. It was amicable up to a point, but I was SO glad that I managed to make a full financial split, including us both finding our own accommodation. Our kids have grown up knowing that the other parent is only a five minute walk away and I don’t think that the movement between the houses bothers them- but it helps that we live so close by. The longer term benefits have been very important though- particularly when both me and my ex moved on (and remarried). It gave us our own spaces without ‘history’ and comparisons. Some of the other posters have also commented on the reality of a 50:50 split. This was also supposed to be our plan, but it has ended up being more like 70:30 with my household taking the kids for the larger share, both in terms of time and financially. I hadn’t expected that and perhaps I was rather naive. This is something to consider and try to get worked out and put in writing in advance, regardless of what you decide to do x

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