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Original poster

Dom/ sub

54 replies

Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 06:10

I met a guy recently and there is definitely a noticeable attraction between us, and although nothing physical has happened yet there has been a bit of flirting with this regard.

We have 2 friends (female) in common and they both say that he is a decent guy but they are probably a bit more open than I am. From what they said he is into some more kinky stuff than normal, and while he has made references he definitely has not been explicit with me about this. He mentioned casually that he is dominant in general, which tbh would suit me but I’m not sure if I am being naive here.

We’ll be out as a group later after work and the other 2 friends will be there too, and he has offered that I can stay over at his place if I like because he lives close to the venue. I have agreed but now I am wondering if I am being an idiot and careless, but I have a tendency to overthink and maybe self sabotage at times. Should I pro-actively bring up my boundaries or just see how we get on because he might not even be planning anything more unusual? I have honestly never discussed boundaries beforehand and it feels odd to me, but I don’t think I have ever worried about this either. I am probably overthinking right?

Sorry if this seems like a stupid question.

OP posts:
Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 12:27

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 12:17

Please could you cite the research on the number of men who arrange dates with women after sex compared to the number of men who don't? You've confidently quoted 99% which seems extraordinary, I'm sure you wouldn't quote that figure without evidence? Given that 100% of my relationships have included dates after sex I must be a statistical outlier of extreme proportions!!

Show quote history

Oh please! Your anecdotal experience doesn not negate the experience of clearly the overwhelming number of women who would be able to confirm that they have slept with guys who then don’t progress onto dating. It’s well known and the vast majority of your friends will have experienced this for themselves.
you also know full well that when i stated ‘99%’ it wasn’t intended to be stated as a 100% factual number… stop being so pendantic and obtuse

this is about a girl who is getting into something she’s unsure of, that many many other women have experienced, and people are giving the benefit of their experience and advice to her

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 12:28

Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 12:27

Oh please! Your anecdotal experience doesn not negate the experience of clearly the overwhelming number of women who would be able to confirm that they have slept with guys who then don’t progress onto dating. It’s well known and the vast majority of your friends will have experienced this for themselves.
you also know full well that when i stated ‘99%’ it wasn’t intended to be stated as a 100% factual number… stop being so pendantic and obtuse

this is about a girl who is getting into something she’s unsure of, that many many other women have experienced, and people are giving the benefit of their experience and advice to her

Show quote history

Nothing you've said makes you sound any less old fashioned, out of touch and plain wrong.
You claimed something, I disagreed and you cited statistical evidence. I asked for that evidence and you said I'm obtuse for not realising you were exaggerating/making it up...cringing for you.

porridgeisbae · 20/12/2023 12:30

Maybe I’ll just say from the start what I’m OK with when we get home. 🙈

@Pinapanda It's not a conversation to have when short of time and potentially having had a few drinks. Presumably you're not likely to die the day after the party, so you can take your time and talk about all sorts of different things before you shag him or stay at his.

He probably wouldn't do kinky stuff the first time without talking about it.

A decent Dom wouldn't accept your consent for the first time for BDSM with him if you were drunk or had had much to drink before you gave that 'consent' ideally you wouldn'tve had a drink at all the first time.

I had an ex who was seriously into BDSM and we filled in forms beforehand about different activities and what we were willing to do, emailing between each other.

I just didn’t want to be a total disappointment either!

It's not a performance. Never do anything sexually for a man that you're not into, just to impress him.

betterangels · 20/12/2023 12:37

Agree with above. Don't drink before first BDSM conversation or experience. Have a conversation about boundaries and think seriously about what yours are and state them. Any decent Dom would insist on this anyway.

Echobelly · 20/12/2023 12:37

The idea that a kinky person will be tying you up and getting out a whip whether you like it or not is a common misconception outside the scene. If he is properly into the scene then he will never do anything to you without your express consent. @Dery is spot on.

ChrissyShenkle · 20/12/2023 15:53

Lol at the person who "filled in forms" what a pile of nonsense, imagine producing shite like that in court when you've been battered/ raped"but we filled in forms your honour"

ChrissyShenkle · 20/12/2023 15:54

Lol at the person who "filled in forms" what a pile of nonsense, imagine producing shite like that in court when you've been battered/ raped"but we filled in forms your honour"

Dery · 20/12/2023 16:08

“I think it's a bit concerning that you seem as worried about "being a disappointment" as your own safety.

Nothing wrong in hooking up with or without hopes of it turning into something, but don't feel driven to try things you're not familiar with to impress some guy, and especially not if it's not been discussed beforehand.

Unless you talk about what you're going to do ahead of time, it should be vanilla. And that should be fun enough for both of you really 😂

And fgs don't try restraints until you've built up trust based on real experience of the guy.”

Brilliantly put by @category12, as always.

Honestly, @Pinapanda - you have posted for advice on this because you’re aware you’re out of your depth. Do you realise how wrong it is that you’re already fretting about how to turn in a sufficiently compelling BDSM bedroom performance when you have no experience of it and this guy hasn’t even bothered to take you on a date?

And the fact that you’ve discussed wanting a relationship means literally zero. So many men will say what they think a woman wants to hear to get her into bed. Early sex is absolutely fine but don’t imagine it means commitment. That can only come with time.

You should value yourself more highly than this. Any decent guy should be happy to take things slowly and build up to the kink when there is a proper relationship of trust and connection.

And I’m afraid I can’t shake the feeling that what we’re really talking about here is shitty, rough sex which is something quite different from properly done BDSM.

SequentialAnalyst · 20/12/2023 16:12

The question is, as with any man you sleep with, will he stop immediately if you ask him to?

Original poster
Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 16:22

Just to clarify. I am not adverse to the idea of sleeping with him as I am quite attracted to him should it come to this. He has also not mentioned any bdsm related expectation I think apart from the dom comment which did confuse me in all fairness. I absolutely do not want to engage in anything like bdsm if we end up doing something. I guess maybe we won’t get on and I’m just nervous about it. But I absolutely don’t want to get tied up or treated badly.
I guess I’ll see how the evening goes and if I feel uneasy at all I’ll go home instead of staying with him.

OP posts:
Pangurr · 20/12/2023 18:34

For heaven's sake. Looks like the puritans are out again today.
Go out, have a nice evening, only do what you are comfortable with and don't overthink it. Most men are not creeps or rapists, and it's not like you are heading home with a complete stranger. enjoy your evening OP

Indifferentchickenwings · 20/12/2023 19:16

If it’s making you nervous decline to stay over until you know him better 🤷‍♀️

life is too short to do something if it doesn’t feel right (yet )

get to know him better

Summerhillsquare · 20/12/2023 19:38

regardless of this guy's tedious fetishises, you should never go home with someone who
a. you don't feel confident saying 'no' to and b. you dont feel confident will respect that 'no'.

PS you will find out quite quickly, because, like vegans, its all they bloody talk about, because sooooo coooool.

GloomyWeek44 · 20/12/2023 19:50

You need to really focus on your own feelings here and not run away with what he is into or what the relationship is.

Speaking from experience, if there is a hint of BDSM and you are not sure but might want to explore it, the best person to explore it with is NOT someone you might want a relationship with. It is best to know what you are into or not, else you risk trying to fit yourself to please them...it gets blurred quickly.

I'd also be wanting to know I could have full and open conversations about sex comfortably with a guy before exploring any kind of game playing, with him being 100% open and laying cards on table.

As pp said unless you have discussed beforehand then it is vanilla.

Lovemusic82 · 20/12/2023 19:53

ChrissyShenkle · 20/12/2023 07:25

For Dom read inadequate bully with mummy issues who like to hurt women and get off with it under the guise of domination
Run for the hills before it's too late

From experience I agree with this too, I stay clear of anyone who declares they are a Dom or asks me the question “are you a Dom or sub?”, it’s a huge red flag for me.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/12/2023 20:36

Pangurr · 20/12/2023 18:34

For heaven's sake. Looks like the puritans are out again today.
Go out, have a nice evening, only do what you are comfortable with and don't overthink it. Most men are not creeps or rapists, and it's not like you are heading home with a complete stranger. enjoy your evening OP

It's not being a 'puritan' to sensibly risk assess the situation and make sure you're as safe as you can be.

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 21:22

honestly never discussed boundaries beforehand and it feels odd to me

And that's understandable, but because of what men get from porn these days, it's probably necessary, with a guy like this especially.

I assume you're ok with having casual sex generally, and that you're not looking for a relationship?

Personally, I'm suspicious of such men. His dominance might seem sexually titillating or interesting to you now, but that's because you still feel like you have some level of control over him. Don't fool yourself though - you are as safe as the men around you allow you to be safe. Ask yourself how you'd feel if he started to exert real control outside of the bedroom - do you honestly like being told what to wear, what to eat, to be infantalised like that??

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 21:24

@Pangurr

#notallmen eh? 🙄

No, but enough of them.

If a woman makes a small misjudgment, especially in a casual sex scenario where the woman doesn't know the man very well, that could cost her dearly. Good luck with getting someone charged and going through the courts with that.

PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 21:27

“Ask yourself how you'd feel if he started to exert real control outside of the bedroom - do you honestly like being told what to wear, what to eat, to be infantalised like that??”

BDSM or d/s in the bedroom and “lifestyle dom/sub” relationships are far from being the same thing.

Eyesopenwideawake · 20/12/2023 21:28

Lovemusic82 · 20/12/2023 19:53

From experience I agree with this too, I stay clear of anyone who declares they are a Dom or asks me the question “are you a Dom or sub?”, it’s a huge red flag for me.

Show quote history

Very wise. If you're not sexually submissive then a Dom is not a sensible choice as a partner.

Dery · 20/12/2023 22:24

@Pinapanda - however you decide to proceed, please just remember - this is as much about whether he pleases you as about whether you please him.

SpringMeadows · 20/12/2023 22:31

category12 · 20/12/2023 07:24

If he is into BDSM and he tries to bring it into the bedroom without talking beforehand and discussion of what you're willing to try and interested in and what you're not, then he's a shit and dangerous Dom.

This. A responsible dom will make sure that you are comfortable, that you agree with everything, and that you are both having a good time.

Pangurr · 20/12/2023 23:27

CandyLeBonBon · 20/12/2023 20:36

It's not being a 'puritan' to sensibly risk assess the situation and make sure you're as safe as you can be.

Show quote history

But what has he actually done? He mentioned a preference but no expectation unless I missed that? There are some horribly judmental posts on this thread

Panaa · 20/12/2023 23:34

category12 · 20/12/2023 07:24

If he is into BDSM and he tries to bring it into the bedroom without talking beforehand and discussion of what you're willing to try and interested in and what you're not, then he's a shit and dangerous Dom.

100% this.

Also OP you said I might be totally overthinking it as my friends called him decent.

IImportant to note that his friends are unlikely to know how he actually treats his sexual partners. Appearing decent to his friends doesn't mean he's decent to women he's seeing. Some of the men who are the most charming and lovely to everyone else are absolute cunts to the ones who get intimate with them.

Also you said.

Maybe I’ll just say from the start what I’m OK with when we get home. 🙈I just didn’t want to be a total disappointment either!

If you are only ok with x and y and that's a disappointment to him then what can you do about that? Go along with things you don't want just to please him? That could be awful for you.