Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dom/ sub

54 replies

Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 06:10

I met a guy recently and there is definitely a noticeable attraction between us, and although nothing physical has happened yet there has been a bit of flirting with this regard.

We have 2 friends (female) in common and they both say that he is a decent guy but they are probably a bit more open than I am. From what they said he is into some more kinky stuff than normal, and while he has made references he definitely has not been explicit with me about this. He mentioned casually that he is dominant in general, which tbh would suit me but I’m not sure if I am being naive here.

We’ll be out as a group later after work and the other 2 friends will be there too, and he has offered that I can stay over at his place if I like because he lives close to the venue. I have agreed but now I am wondering if I am being an idiot and careless, but I have a tendency to overthink and maybe self sabotage at times. Should I pro-actively bring up my boundaries or just see how we get on because he might not even be planning anything more unusual? I have honestly never discussed boundaries beforehand and it feels odd to me, but I don’t think I have ever worried about this either. I am probably overthinking right?

Sorry if this seems like a stupid question.

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 06:13

Whether he's kinky or not he should not be 'planning' anything without discussion with you beforehand! It's also perfectly possible for kinky people to have vanilla sex and enjoy themselves, if you do sleep with him there's no reason to think he's expecting bells and whistles as it were. Are you intrigued or put off by the idea? If it puts you off better not go there. But I would have a conversation with him before binning him off even so. Rumours might have been exaggerated.

Whenwasthis · 20/12/2023 07:21

I understand why you'd be overthinking this. You're taking a leap into something with a lot of uncertainty and unanswered questions. But that's often the case in these situations. You don't know if he's simply offering a bed or has much more in mind. Im not sure that you know what you want either? You can either see what happens or attempt to clear things up before hand? That might be awkward and backfire if he had no intentions. But from the flirting and the invitation Im guessing this is extremely unlikely. Be brave and let him know what you're looking forward to, but also make a point of setting out your boundaries while you're at it.
I hate uncertainty, i know it's exciting, but it's also a total head wrecker as you're finding out.

category12 · 20/12/2023 07:24

If he is into BDSM and he tries to bring it into the bedroom without talking beforehand and discussion of what you're willing to try and interested in and what you're not, then he's a shit and dangerous Dom.

ChrissyShenkle · 20/12/2023 07:25

For Dom read inadequate bully with mummy issues who like to hurt women and get off with it under the guise of domination
Run for the hills before it's too late

SilverCatStripes · 20/12/2023 07:28

ChrissyShenkle · 20/12/2023 07:25

For Dom read inadequate bully with mummy issues who like to hurt women and get off with it under the guise of domination
Run for the hills before it's too late

Spot on.

Using pain and control really isn’t part of a healthy sexual relationship.

PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 07:35

He’s offered you a place to stay - does he have a spare bed or sofa, has this been mentioned?

You haven’t even kissed yet. Maybe you will tonight.

he’s very unlikely to get out paddles and handcuffs on night 1, if this does turn out to be night 1.

If you think he is someone who would not respect your no on any subject, whether that’s Bdsm or which takeaway to order. don’t stay there.

Whenwasthis · 20/12/2023 07:39

I also totally agree with comments that you need to be careful. I don't accept that Dom has any place in a healthy and mutual relationship. Of course plenty disagree i know.

category12 · 20/12/2023 07:45

The BDSM "scene" is very hot on (at least talking about) enthusiastic and informed consent. A decent Dom will talk to you about what you're willing to try beforehand, out of bed.

Some bloke throttling you in bed or spanking you or whatever without prior discussion and agreement is just an abusive (and dangerous) twat.

If you're interested in kink and the dynamic, nothing wrong in giving it a go, but huge huge red flags if he doesn't talk more about your consent and checking in with you than any vanilla man you've ever met in your life.

Eyesopenwideawake · 20/12/2023 08:49

A (good) BDSM relationship is all about crystal clear communication and absolutely no ambiguity, otherwise someone can end up either dead or in court.

As PP said, a Dom/me can enjoy vanilla sex. If you're offered a bed would you be expecting it to be shared or solo? @Pinapanda

Original poster
Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 09:40

Thanks all. I kind of expect something to happen and not a spare bed/ room but I was just a bit unsure about the dynamic since he mentioned it. I might be totally overthinking it as my friends called him decent. Maybe I’ll just say from the start what I’m OK with when we get home. 🙈I just didn’t want to be a total disappointment either!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 20/12/2023 09:45

Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 09:40

Thanks all. I kind of expect something to happen and not a spare bed/ room but I was just a bit unsure about the dynamic since he mentioned it. I might be totally overthinking it as my friends called him decent. Maybe I’ll just say from the start what I’m OK with when we get home. 🙈I just didn’t want to be a total disappointment either!

I think you need to work on your own self esteem and boundaries? Why on earth are you staying with a man you've not even kissed yet?

I think you should get to know him a bit more before you put yourself in such a vulnerable position.

I speak as someone who was raped by a 'decent' guy when I was in a similar situation.

He may well be decent but you need to assess the risk here and you seem so passive about your own safety!

Original poster
Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 10:29

I have met him a few times though never via an official date yet. He also gave me a lift back home from our company Christmas party last week and he was definitely flirting but very respectful.

OP posts:
PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 10:34

Dom/sub stuff aside, do you want to have sex with him today?

banjocat · 20/12/2023 10:42

Do you feel safe with him in general? If you think he is a good guy and are attracted to him then there's no more reason to expect that he will do something untoward just because he is into BDSM.

But there's also nothing wrong with bringing it up before you get to his place and just checking in.

D/S can be a complicated dynamic and you can't just jump into it without a lot of conversations and absolute clarity about consent. If he's a half decent person and experienced at all then he should know that.

Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 10:46

This guy clearly just wants to have sex with you. That is absolutely fine if that is what you want as well, but clearly he doesn’t want to date you or anything else. So I’d just think carefully about whether you’re happy with that x

also, many bad men are considered ‘decent’ by their friends and family without them knowing that, behind closed doors, this man is not a good guy

Dery · 20/12/2023 11:00

“This guy clearly just wants to have sex with you. That is absolutely fine if that is what you want as well, but clearly he doesn’t want to date you or anything else. So I’d just think carefully about whether you’re happy with that x

also, many bad men are considered ‘decent’ by their friends and family without them knowing that, behind closed doors, this man is not a good guy”

This with bells on. I don’t understand why you would be considering BDSM with someone you’ve not even dated when you clearly have no experience of it.

Apart from anything, as people have flagged upthread, done properly, BDSM requires the dom to exercise great care in their handling of the sub and enthusiastic consent which can be withdrawn at any time by the sub. It is not the same as rough sex, which has become horribly normalised and can be lethal to women. BDSM is a power over/power under situation and the ultimate power holder is the sub, not the dom. There is no suggestion that you know any of this or that this guy would perform to those standards.

The possibility that he dates you first doesn’t seem to have arisen for you or that you can have boundaries around what happens.

Overall, you seem quite vulnerable and this sounds like a mistake.

TellingBone · 20/12/2023 11:03

How do these other two friends know about his proclivities?

Original poster
Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 11:49

Well I am ultimately interested in a relationship and dating expectations did come up during a conversation already and he wants the same. It’s true that I usually wouldn’t jump into something like this but I think it’s the common friends connection we have I feel a bit more encouraged.

OP posts:
Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 12:02

Pinapanda · 20/12/2023 11:49

Well I am ultimately interested in a relationship and dating expectations did come up during a conversation already and he wants the same. It’s true that I usually wouldn’t jump into something like this but I think it’s the common friends connection we have I feel a bit more encouraged.

Good luck then… I can 99% guarantee you that he won’t take you for a date after you have spent the night with him tonight

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 12:05

Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 12:02

Good luck then… I can 99% guarantee you that he won’t take you for a date after you have spent the night with him tonight

Show quote history

This is such an old fashioned idea! Every relationship I have ever had including two marriages started with sex before a date.

Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 12:06

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 12:05

This is such an old fashioned idea! Every relationship I have ever had including two marriages started with sex before a date.

Show quote history

nothing to do with being old fashioned.. just statistically correct! 🤷‍♀️

category12 · 20/12/2023 12:08

I think it's a bit concerning that you seem as worried about "being a disappointment" as your own safety.

Nothing wrong in hooking up with or without hopes of it turning into something, but don't feel driven to try things you're not familiar with to impress some guy, and especially not if it's not been discussed beforehand.

Unless you talk about what you're going to do ahead of time, it should be vanilla. And that should be fun enough for both of you really 😂

And fgs don't try restraints until you've built up trust based on real experience of the guy.

RowanMayfair · 20/12/2023 12:17

Milliemoos5 · 20/12/2023 12:06

nothing to do with being old fashioned.. just statistically correct! 🤷‍♀️

Edited
Show quote history

Please could you cite the research on the number of men who arrange dates with women after sex compared to the number of men who don't? You've confidently quoted 99% which seems extraordinary, I'm sure you wouldn't quote that figure without evidence? Given that 100% of my relationships have included dates after sex I must be a statistical outlier of extreme proportions!!

betterangels · 20/12/2023 12:19

I don’t understand why you would be considering BDSM with someone you’ve not even dated when you clearly have no experience of it. Apart from anything, as people have flagged upthread, done properly, BDSM requires the dom to exercise great care in their handling of the sub and enthusiastic consent which can be withdrawnat any time by the sub. It is not the same as rough sex, which has become horribly normalised and can be lethal to women. BDSM is a power over/power under situation and the ultimate power holder is the sub, not the dom. There is no suggestion that you know any of this or that this guy would perform to those standards.

Absolutely all of this!!

porridgeisbae · 20/12/2023 12:20

he has offered that I can stay over at his place if I like because he lives close to the venue

Nooo, don't do it. Putting the BDSM thing aside, you hardly know the guy. Have a date in future before you spend the night with him, so you can get more of an idea of what he's like.

Swipe left for the next trending thread