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Relationships

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Original poster

Do people respect you less when you forgive?

60 replies

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 18/12/2023 22:40

Hi all,

Just a quick one. Do you think people (men!) respect you less when you forgive them multiple times? It almost makes me feel pathetic that I have to point out to him what he is done wrong, then he feels horribly guilty and I forgive him. It's almost toxic of me that I let him go through this cycle of guilt, as well as the cycle of disappointment for me.

OP posts:

Ebokebok · 18/12/2023 22:46

Of course they respect you less. More importantly though, you respect yourself less.

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 22:48

I think if a person needs that much forgiveness they didn't have respect to begin with, and never will. They see someone they can walk all over.

5thCommandment · 18/12/2023 23:21

Possibly yes, depends what the circumstances are. I respect people that can admit fault and apologise, that's a rare trait these days, particularly at work.

DatingDinosaur · 18/12/2023 23:23

“It's almost toxic”

You call him out on something. He plays the victim and tugs on your heartstrings instead of talking about the actual thing you called him out on. You feel sorry for him and tell him you forgive him. Then resent him for emotionally manipulating you into feeling like you were the one in the wrong. So your words might be saying you forgive him but you haven’t really.

It’s not “almost” toxic – it IS toxic.

Other than that, I agree with what 5thCommandment says.

justgotosleepffs · 19/12/2023 09:14

It depends what you mean by forgiving. I would say forgiveness doesn't always mean there are no consequences for the actions. You can forgive someone whilst also enforcing boundaries which protect you from suffering the same thing again

cheezncrackers · 19/12/2023 09:19

Yes, because anyone who needs that much forgiveness is a shit partner and the one needing to do the forgiving should've ended it already and the shit partner knows that. So by continually forgiving, the forgiver gives the shit partner permission to continue their shit behaviour. Anyone with self-respect would say 'enough' and end it.

JazzyJogger · 19/12/2023 09:20

Actions have consequences.

Wexler1216 · 19/12/2023 09:21

Once - not necessarily. Multiple times - probably.

CharlottePimpernel · 19/12/2023 09:24

Yes, and they do it again.

autienotnaughty · 19/12/2023 09:35

It depends what it is -

Partner breaks an important item of yours. Apologises and replaces the item. You forgive him. - This is a appropriate response

Partner treats you poorly through his actions and words. You tell him he apologises. You forgive him, it happens again and the cycle continues. -this is a unhealthy relationship. The apology/remorse is redundant as it's not stopping the behaviour.

Susieb2023 · 19/12/2023 10:04

I think it entirely depends on the personality of the ‘forgiven’ and ‘forgiver’ and the nature of the wrongdoings.

It’s not black and white.

In this case multiple need to ‘forgive’ without this man learning anything would imply to me he’s just taking the mickey.

JamSandle · 19/12/2023 10:05

In my opinion yes. But forgiving but not staying with someone is different to forgiving and staying with them. And it depends what you're forgiving.

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 10:08

He feels "horribly guilty" and you then forgive him. Does he ever actually apologise? Does he learn from his mistake?

because overall, I think that in most healthy relationships, the need for "forgiveness" is pretty rare. I mean sure, there are the odd times where one or the other of us do something not okay and have to apologise and the apology is accepted, but true forgiveness... it's just not necessary.

So either you are making a bit song and dance about relatively small things. Or he is behaving like a complete ass and you are having to forgive him while stroking his ego and assuring him he's not a bad person even though he's just done this really bad thing.

Dotcheck · 19/12/2023 10:11

Well, this is interesting. Do you think it’s the forgiving that ‘causes’ him to have no respect? I think it he treats you poorly in the first place, he ALREADY has low levels of respect. I’m wondering why you feel you’re somehow responsible for his behaviour?

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 19:51

He's emotionally immature, it's little lies, it's him being unsure of how to be in a partnership and being in a relationship when it suits him.

I explain it to him. We have big dramatic conversations. He feels awful, acts so embarrassed, he then often needs headspace. I in turn feel bad for pointing it out, feel guilt that he's upset. I wish he could just say 'oh OK, sorry I won't do that again'. It feels like a toxic cycle on both our parts.

OP posts:

category12 · 19/12/2023 20:26

Well, the conversations aren't working and his upset/guilt doesn't lead to change, so that doesn't leave you with anywhere to go.

I have to point out to him what he is done wrong, then he feels horribly guilty and I forgive him.
Is he stupid? Because if he's repeating behaviour that you've already had to forgive multiple times, then either he's stupid and incapable of learning, or he's manipulating you and it's crocodile tears.

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 20:39

I think he is genuinely emotional immature and I do have empathy for that. And clearly I have feelings for him or I wouldn't forgive but at the moment he's taking headspace for a few days after I pointed out an issue we're having

OP posts:

category12 · 19/12/2023 20:53

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 20:39

Is he learning anything - or is he just turning it all round on you every time so you're comforting him?

I get the impression it's the latter, and basically you're being mugged off.

And anyway, it's not your job to teach someone how to have an adult relationship. What do you get out of being the fixer? Don't you want an equal?

XmasPartyhat · 19/12/2023 20:58

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 19:51

He's emotionally immature, it's little lies, it's him being unsure of how to be in a partnership and being in a relationship when it suits him.

By forgiving him you have shown him that you are willing to tolerate his behaviour and that all he has to do is give you a faux apology.

Ending the relationship is the only way that any real change will occur.

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 21:14

I told him I was upset with something Sunday night and he said 'what do you want to do? Stop talking forever? Just let me know so I can process'. This seemed like an unfair reaction towards me.

The next day (when things had calmed) I called to chat like adults and he said 'I need some headspace for a while. I hope you can understand'. Felt it made the situation all about his needs.

OP posts:

category12 · 19/12/2023 21:29

So you were upset about something, and rather than him trying to put it right and show you he cares, he's acting the victim and withdrawing from you (basically punishing you for challenging his behaviour).

This doesn't lead anywhere good for you. Why are you pursuing this?

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 21:34

We've been together on and off for two years and when things are great, they are really great but we hit these bumps and he withdraws.

He said he needed to withdraw to 'process why he acted the way he did'

OP posts:

Darker · 19/12/2023 21:36

It depends… if there is something else going on like autism or some kind of emotional distress arising from trauma, forgiveness may be entirely appropriate.

However it wouldn’t be ok if the same unacceptable behaviour just repeats. Only you can say what you can tolerate. If it is tearing you to pieces then move on… the relationship will just be harmful to both of you.

PurpleBugz · 19/12/2023 22:44

Sounds manipulative to me. You are being punished for being upset because now his upset at your upset is trumping yours. He's making sure you put his feelings before your own because you dared to raise an issue. Reminds me of my abusive ex. I'd raise he had upset me and somehow he would somehow twist it till I was promising to try harder not to put him in the position he would be forced to act that way towards me in future.

Fuck that. Give him space. Give him permanent space.

Original poster

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 19/12/2023 22:47

We had dinner plans Thursday to celebrate something to do with me (part of the reason we argued actually) and I said I'd still like to go and he asked if we could wait until he gets his head together more. He wants to be in the right head space.

So I just felt super guilty he needed more headspace. He agreed to meet Thursday but I haven't heard from him since.

OP posts:

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