Do people respect you less when you forgive?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

Hi all,

Just a quick one. Do you think people (men!) respect you less when you forgive them multiple times? It almost makes me feel pathetic that I have to point out to him what he is done wrong, then he feels horribly guilty and I forgive him. It's almost toxic of me that I let him go through this cycle of guilt, as well as the cycle of disappointment for me.

I would feel his behaviour is incredibly immature and manipulative. It’s not sensitivity, it’s repeatedly making himself a victim and that’s very tedious. It shouldn’t be this hard!

You feel guilty that he's blowing you off for your celebratory dinner plans because he did something that hurt you?!

Do you not see how fucked up and upside down that is?

You are being headfucked and manipulated by this man. Of course the good times are good, otherwise such people would never find partners.

Times that should be fun and that are important to you, he spoils for you.

It's all about him.

Dump the guy before he grinds you down further.

Why do you have to forgive him for and several times?

Seems like he is a pathological liar. If that is the case thake your life back and let him go.

What sort of things are the disagreements about? You may just have different values/approaches to certain things. In which case you may not be compatible but he may not need ‘forgiveness’.

If you constantly forgive someone's behaviour towards you then with each time you give away a little bit of self respect and they take a little bit of control.

Oh please. Just dump him. What he's doing is punishing you. You didn't like his behaviour so he is deploying a combo of guilt/victimisation "oh, I am such a terrible person how can you be with me?" And a warning, "I am not going to talk to you or be with you or support you until you wither apologise or change your behaviour. If you make sure not to do this again, you might not have to suffer my sulking.:

Please just end it. It won't get better.

Fuck me, he's so self indulgent and you're pandering to it. Pushing down your own feelings to make room for his.

I think I'm burnt out telling him what's right and wrong and then for some reason I then feel guilt towards him because he makes it about him.

Tomorrow's dinner was to celebrate a promotion and I realised he didn't know any details of the promotion as he hadn't paid attention, even the title. So he said he's so embarrassed he needs headspace. I would have felt over the top saying no you can't have headspace, just apologise and move on.

I’m guessing you organised the celebration?

I would consider asking someone else to celebrate your promotion with you. Someone who won’t spoil the evening by making it about them.

He actually organised it but now I really don't want to go

Then cancel. You don’t need to explain.

Is that because he doesn't want to go, and is also guilting you into not going? He's not actually said that outright, no he's too clever, but he has made you feel that you can't go without him. Am I right?

So he said he's so embarrassed he needs headspace. I would have felt over the top saying no you can't have headspace, just apologise and move on.

But he's not over the top for wanting "headspace" after something so minor?

He's training you to never question anything he says or does.

When I brought up the issue the other night and showed I was upset, his response was 'so do we just stop talking?' which I thought was pretty extreme so I said 'yes if this is how you're going to be' to which he started madly backtracking, how could I do that, he's speechless etc.

I don't think it's a fair question when someone shows upsetness over something

It depends on the circumstances.

Forgiving someone is different to letting them do something to you multiple times.

I have forgiven an ex partner for having an affair for instance, I forgave him but I didn’t continue the relationship and didn’t give him the opportunity to do it again to me.

You can forgive something and still keep a line / boundary. I wouldn’t continually overlook poor behaviour, I would break up with them with no malice or ill feeling but quite clear about there being no way back.

if someone makes a mistake and they apologise and they genuinely feel bad then they tend not to repeat the behaviour. That’s how you know they are truly sorry. If they continue with shitty behaviour then they are clearly not sorry at all

So HE fucked up but it's all about how that makes HIM feel? hahahahaha.

Please get rid of him. It will only get worse.

He has poor communication skills. That's his issue to fix. Everyone makes mistakes but people need to be able to listen and learn, communicate their feelings.

It's very unfair to snap at someone to say should we just stop talking. That's giving you an ultimatum in a moment when you were upset.

Don't go to dinner. Tell him now and see what he says. I bet he's thinking to himself he doesn't want to go because he's some sort of victim and would love to just run away now. Don't give him the chance to run, you run first!

You are giving his behaviour far more headspace than he is, so I have no idea why he needs all this 'space'.

What a waste of your time this man is. As others have said, he's a manipulative headfyuck (typo, but I like it!), and you've wasted 2 years of your life on him already. And STILL you haven't taught him how to act like a healthy adult. Because if someone doesn't have the basics of decent adult behaviour by the time they are adults, they are NEVER going to have them unless they suss them out for themselves.

Give him lots of space - block and delete him. no need to explain - he knows VERY well what he's done.

OP, if positions were reversed and you had accidentally upset this man, would you ruin his special occasion further by demanding "headspace" and whining about how embarrassed you are?

If not, why not?

If it was a friend of yours, would you tolerate the behaviour or be questioning the friendship?

Why would you accept this lunacy from a romantic partner? Surely it's more important that you can trust a boyfriend to have your back and pay attention to what you need than pretty much anyone else?

Well, he could be a complete twat, or you could be a complete twat - it's impossible to say from the sparse details you've given here. But either way it sounds like a horrible relationship to be in for both of you so ending it is probably for the best.

It's highly likely he has caused these situations because he had other plans or wanted to be somewhere else. Deliberately causing arguments so they can disappear is a very well known tactic. He's even got you apologising for it now too!

Jesus every update gets worse.

You have something bery important to you that should be celebrated. And he's decided to be a sulking child for a few days. Reason enough to dump!

This is spot on.
I 'forgave' repeated infidelities but I now know my true emotions were suppressed ( family duty bla bla bla)
Threw him out after 36 years and, wow, I feel amazing. I'm 2 years on, had a ton of therapy ( including somatic) and I sometimes don't recognise myself.
I wish I'd had a place like mumsnet 34 years ago

Read further down the thread.
Let this one go.
Dont be fearful.
Just end it and move forward solo