Do people respect you less when you forgive?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

Hi all,

Just a quick one. Do you think people (men!) respect you less when you forgive them multiple times? It almost makes me feel pathetic that I have to point out to him what he is done wrong, then he feels horribly guilty and I forgive him. It's almost toxic of me that I let him go through this cycle of guilt, as well as the cycle of disappointment for me.

Thank you all for the messages. I'm trying to use it to stay strong. I wanted to meet face to face tomorrow as I just felt it was best to clarify everything as adults in person.

I just re-read his messages after reading your comments, trying to see them in a new light. It was basically:

I suggest we both take a bit of time to collect our thoughts here
I need some headspace so I hope you can understand that
I want to see you, but I want to be in the right frame of mind
Thursday feels connected to your promotion, which I’ve clearly fucked up so maybe lets wait until after Christmas

This just sounds like hard work. What a manipulator.

You are choosing to stay unhappy and confused.

Make a choice to be happy. It’ll hurt in the short term but it’s the right thing to do.

100%, yes. They go 'ah! I didn't know I could treat them that badly and they'd still want me, wow, I must really be hot stuff!'

We teach others how to treat us.

It's not super clear exactly what things need to be forgiven. But you say you've been together "on and off". Why is that?

It sounds like his unwillingness to communicate is the bigger issue here. He sounds really avoidant. Just dump him for heaven's sake!

Unless a relationship is good, forgiveness should be done without telling the other person. In other words, leave this toxic mess and forgive on your own time, if you feel like it.

You need to find a mature partner.

This one's jerking you about.

I mean this kindly take a good long read of how unpleasant people emotionally manipulate softies and then toughen up your boundaries so that you keep your softness for people who treat you right.

This one doesn't.

Please read your messages as if you were someone else, someone removed from the situation.

You call your bf out on something he's done (or not done) that's hurt you.
He withdraws / guilt trips you / punishes you for questionning him / leaves you not knowing if your meal is on, and not even wanting to go anymore.

And YOU feel guilty? The only guilty party here is him. He's manipulative and selfish. He's managed to make HIS failings your fault, and he's peed on your celebration as punishment to you for pointing his failings out.

Don't feel guilty. Be free of the energy-sapping selfish man.

I'm well on my way to forgiving my dad for the awful childhood I endured. As an adult I gave him another chance, and it didn't work. So be it. I didn't have much to do with him, and was low contact till he died.

That's a completely different scenario to someone treating you badly, and you just letting them off the hook, then staying around for them to do it over and over and over again. Each time you being guilted into forgiveness.

A healthy situation would be for you to get out of a toxic relationship, work on forgiving him for the wasted years so you weren't in danger of being consumed by bitterness, then moving on with your life.

They respect you less-because if they respected you at all you wouldn't have forgive more than once. If at all.

It all sounds incredibly tedious, all the drama and naval gazing nonsense. The sole point in having a boyfriend is that it’s meant to be fun and to enhance your life. There’s literally billions more blokes that exist.
Enjoy life and stop indulging in this nonsense.

Take it from a former doormat - Nobody respects or values doormats who don't respect or value themselves.