Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is this normal in a marriage?

55 replies

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:21

Long post so apologies but don’t want to drip feed…

I’ve been with my husband since Alevels - so 18 years with 8 of those married. We have 2 children (7 and 2) I love him but I think I need advice as I feel unhappy and I’m worried about this.

everything was good - we got married and DH had a full time job and I did. He’s the main breadwinner. We had a baby within a couple of years of being married and were very happy. I left work as my salary as a nurse didn’t cover the nursery fees or make it viable. I was more than happy to do this as I loved being with our baby. DH always very supportive and said to leave work and he’ll support and to be fair he’s been very good at this.

However - this is where I feel sad. I feel like a slave. Ive never gone back to work and we’ve since had another baby and two dogs. DH does nothing in the house - he leaves his pants everywhere, mugs etc he never makes the bed - he would never dream of washing up or the dishwasher. I agree in the day it’s my job as I’m at home with the baby but on weekends and evenings he just literally sits there. It gives me the ick and I see it as lazy and unmotivated. I get up early with the kids and get them dressed (eldest is at school) feed the dog, do everything in the house and into the evenings. All the mental load is on me. I feel like I’m on duty 24/7 but he feels he can switch off and do nothing evenings and weekends. I also feel he’s lost his mojo - he never says oh I’ll take the dog out or I’ll take the girls to the park or teach them to ride a bike. It’s always me leading everything all the time. I have to sort everything socially and to do with the children . I find it unattractive as it’s like having another child.

Ive looked at going back to work to help myself out of this situation but financially it’s not really viable. I also want to be at home with the children and so the school runs etc . My eldest has autism so needs me to be around more as she has to unwind after school. DH works away a considerable amount of time on oil riggs and at a moments notice so we’d have to get help if I were to work due to my hours and it would be really hard to sort and expensive.

I feel trapped and unhappy. Fundamentally we love each other but I just feel like a door mat. I’ve got myself into a bad position because I now don’t work and I also want to look after my children . It just feels very messy at the moment .

Financially- DH also took credit cards out and loans which I was unaware of. He sorted all the finances out and said to leave it to him. He’s got us in crippling debt - he earns a good salary but the repayments each month are 3k alone. I’m so sad he did this- we haven’t lived a lavish lifestyle but he didn’t seem to know that putting things on a credit card is not free money and now we pay huge interest. I had no idea this was being done as I’m so against credit. So I’m sad he’s put us in this position.

He’s a good person but seems to live with his head in the clouds perhaps. I really have no idea what to do or who to turn to for help. 😢

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 21:25

Is the house as tenants in common? This way you own 50%, so if he gets into debt they can only take his half.
Do you have a bank account t of your own with the child benefit paid into it? This way you get points towards your pension.

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 21:28

I was very like you when mine were young, I was a SAHM and I did everything. He got up once in the morning with the first, that was it. What I will say is that you will get resentment and it will ruin your relationship.
You need to talk, and see if he will go for couples counselling.

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:29

So we’re not entitled to child benefits.

And the house- we had a house that was joint but when we moved house it had to be in his name alone because I wasn’t working so I was classed as a dependent and lowered the mortgage we could get. So to avoid this we put it in just his name and I signed something with a solicitor saying if he couldn’t pay the mortgage I wouldn’t squat. But that was it. It all made sense at the time. I’ve always been hidden from anything financial as he said oh I’m dealing with it and he would get quite annoyed if I asked to see finances and everything. He only came to me last year saying we were in huge debt when he was struggling to pay things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:32

I have thought about this- as I don’t want to end the relationship but it’s causing a lot of resentment from my behalf. We don’t feel
equal at all. Did you go for counselling? Im
concerned if we do he’ll think our marriage is over but it’s to help it

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 21:32

No, no, no. You need advice, that’s not right. No reason for you not to be on the deeds.
And I’m pretty sure there is a way of you getting the points without claiming. If necessary you can claim it and pay it back. You must protect your future.

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 21:33

Do you have access to a bank account?

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:35

Yes I have my own bank account

OP posts:

Echobelly · 18/12/2023 21:38

Does he have any idea how you feel? I think counselling is worth trying as he's not being abusive or anything, but I can understand you just feeling like you have another child, and feeling trapped.

shobiddi · 18/12/2023 21:42

have you thought of working from home?

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:45

No - I don’t know how to bring it up. I feel like it’s quite deep. And there’s lots behind it. Agree he’s not abusive - he’s genuinely a good guy but incredibly lazy. I’ve changed since all of this (when he told me about the debt and also since having another baby ) - I used to be bubbly and happy and never moody. Now I feel grumpy - an example is yesterday he just sat on the sofa. I looked after the kids and was making dinner and running around doing jobs whilst he just sat scrolling. I passed him
his dinner and then he shouted to me- is there any sauce. I said yeah in the fridge and he said can you get it me. Like im
his slave. I hate it! And it makes me
grumpy. I often prefer it when he works away as it’s way easier for me . The house is always clean and tidy and everything is organised .

OP posts:

IloveWinniethePooh · 18/12/2023 21:46

If it helps.....

You can go to councelling on your own if he refuses. It may help to clarify your feelings.

My friend was never on the mortgage, the house was her husband's before they married. But she was entitled to half on divorce because she had cleaned it and contributed in other ways to family life. And they had no kids so you should be ok if you decide to split.

As daunting as it is, get some legal advice.

Good luck!

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:47

I would love this option. But I don’t know how or what doing. I have googled jobs but no idea what I am qualified to do or how to get a job working from home as it’s not my profession. But this would be ideal

OP posts:

Summerhillsquare · 18/12/2023 21:50

What the heck has he spent the money on?

parietal · 18/12/2023 21:51

For jobs from home, look up transcription services and prolific academic where you do paid surveys. Some call centre work can also be done from home.

AGirlWithAHandOnHerArm · 18/12/2023 21:51

Your original question was “is this a normal marriage” - everyone’s normal is unique to them but what I will say is that my DH is a full time worker and still does his bit around the house, mainly deeper cleans and garden/maintenance.

I work from home running a business and also have a DD so much of the housework falls to me, but he pulls his weight. He washes up even though I do majority cooking as I’m home but if I have a job that means I’m not - he will cook.

Your DH should take the load off you every once in a while, it’s a partnership and he should appreciate what you do everyday.

The secret debt is totally unreasonable and he really needs to fix that. You can’t live like this in the long run, resentment will eat you up eventually.

ChickpeaPie · 18/12/2023 21:52

Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:52

@IloveWinniethePooh that’s a good idea about going to counselling on my own . Would it be a relationship
councillor I go to?

Yeah with the house I kind of know it would be split but I don’t want to go down that route. Im hoping to work this out somehow …. I feel sad that as good a couple we were / can be has changed so much so quickly .

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/12/2023 21:55

You should be claiming child
Benefit to cover your NI contributions for your state pension.

AGirlWithAHandOnHerArm · 18/12/2023 21:56

I think he is over the salary threshold

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 21:56

@Summerhillsquare random
rubbish- like £3k on designer clothes from
next or a trip to Homebase for gadgets and lawnmowers. Absolute rubbish. I’ve always been bought up with you spend what you have a budget and no more. I wish I could say we have fancy things to show for his spending but we don’t. I think that makes it worse !!! It was dribble . I had a credit card as a student with £500
on and if I ever used it it was paid back the month after . I had no idea when he was telling me we could afford things (if we went out for dinner and he would say pick the most expensive wine ) that it was going on a credit card on the never never!

OP posts:

disappearingfish · 18/12/2023 21:57

I am really, really struggling to understand how he is a good guy.

To answer your question, no, it's not normal. He's horrendous. Start making plans to leave, even if it takes a while.

AnnaMagnani · 18/12/2023 22:01

It sounds as if you got together at 18 - and he has stayed in an 18 yr old mentality.

Somehow, possibly because you were full of hormones in the early days, followed by loving being a SAHM, you have become his mother. Unfortunately in the long term this is not an attractive place to be.

You need to get out and have your own job and probably you need couples counselling too.

Iskpugkk · 18/12/2023 22:02

no it isn’t normal that he has a 9-5 job and you have a 247 job. Stop picking up his clothes and only wash what’s in the washing basket for a start and he’ll soon realise when he’s got no clothes.
Tell him that he’s in charge of dinner on a weekend night and that he’s getting up with the kids one weekend day, make plans to go out and leave him with the kids.
But surely he’s not got you both in huge debt, just himself? Unless he’s fraudulently taken out cards in both your names?

Original poster

Henry01 · 18/12/2023 22:02

I don’t think he means to do it - he’s just a bit rubbish at anything house related or related to living . I didn’t realise this- as he said he would sort the finances ( I was happy to but as it went into his account and the bills and evening I trusted him to do it ) . I think he fully intended to pay back the credit cards with bonuses but we’ve had to use his bonuses to pay for other things (like private medical
for an operation for our child etc) so that’s not happened . And now he can’t get balance transfers or anything. Or even finance for a car when he’s earning a high salary. He’s really messed up with it and I had no idea as I wouldn’t have got us into this situation. But I have now left myself totally vulnerable and reliant which I don’t want to be in.

OP posts:

SequentialAnalyst · 18/12/2023 22:05

AGirlWithAHandOnHerArm · 18/12/2023 21:56

I think he is over the salary threshold

Even if he is, isn't it claimed back through tax? OP should still claim it to protect her NI record.

Flip

1 2 3