Is this normal in a marriage?

[Henry01]

Long post so apologies but don’t want to drip feed…

I’ve been with my husband since Alevels - so 18 years with 8 of those married. We have 2 children (7 and 2) I love him but I think I need advice as I feel unhappy and I’m worried about this.

everything was good - we got married and DH had a full time job and I did. He’s the main breadwinner. We had a baby within a couple of years of being married and were very happy. I left work as my salary as a nurse didn’t cover the nursery fees or make it viable. I was more than happy to do this as I loved being with our baby. DH always very supportive and said to leave work and he’ll support and to be fair he’s been very good at this.

However - this is where I feel sad. I feel like a slave. Ive never gone back to work and we’ve since had another baby and two dogs. DH does nothing in the house - he leaves his pants everywhere, mugs etc he never makes the bed - he would never dream of washing up or the dishwasher. I agree in the day it’s my job as I’m at home with the baby but on weekends and evenings he just literally sits there. It gives me the ick and I see it as lazy and unmotivated. I get up early with the kids and get them dressed (eldest is at school) feed the dog, do everything in the house and into the evenings. All the mental load is on me. I feel like I’m on duty 24/7 but he feels he can switch off and do nothing evenings and weekends. I also feel he’s lost his mojo - he never says oh I’ll take the dog out or I’ll take the girls to the park or teach them to ride a bike. It’s always me leading everything all the time. I have to sort everything socially and to do with the children . I find it unattractive as it’s like having another child.

Ive looked at going back to work to help myself out of this situation but financially it’s not really viable. I also want to be at home with the children and so the school runs etc . My eldest has autism so needs me to be around more as she has to unwind after school. DH works away a considerable amount of time on oil riggs and at a moments notice so we’d have to get help if I were to work due to my hours and it would be really hard to sort and expensive.

I feel trapped and unhappy. Fundamentally we love each other but I just feel like a door mat. I’ve got myself into a bad position because I now don’t work and I also want to look after my children . It just feels very messy at the moment .

Financially- DH also took credit cards out and loans which I was unaware of. He sorted all the finances out and said to leave it to him. He’s got us in crippling debt - he earns a good salary but the repayments each month are 3k alone. I’m so sad he did this- we haven’t lived a lavish lifestyle but he didn’t seem to know that putting things on a credit card is not free money and now we pay huge interest. I had no idea this was being done as I’m so against credit. So I’m sad he’s put us in this position.

He’s a good person but seems to live with his head in the clouds perhaps. I really have no idea what to do or who to turn to for help. 😢

He’s taken the cards out in his name but as we’re married the repayments are coming from our household income..: which happens to be his salary but it’s affecting both of us .

and yes I will say he needs to cook On a weekend and look after the girls . That’s a good idea . I have stopped doing his washing already as he used to complain I did it wrong and then he’d never put it away so I gave up
On that happily !

@SequentialAnalyst thank you I’ll google
this as I’m aware im not protected . Is there anything else I need to do? He’s paying into a pension and im
not.

I've felt the same when my kids were a similar age. People change over time. You have to work at making any relationship work over the long term. You have to talk to him. You need counselling (as others have said). The point about people changing over time can be a positive - sounds like he's slipped into some unwelcome habits / routines since the kids came along - it is possible for him to be trained out of those habits and into better routines. If he's not a bad man, if you want to try and make it work, for yourself and the kids, you've got to communicate.

Re you looking for work you could do from home: I have a friend who does telephone consultations for Bupa and another who switched (from nursing) to being a medical secretary and mostly works from home. You have skills and experience - have confidence.

Best of luck

Go on strike. Don’t make him a single meal. Don’t pick up a single item after him. Don’t do a single item of his washing. Don’t wake him if sleeps through his alarm. Don’t remind him of a birthday he’s due to make. Also make plans for a whole Saturday from morning until night, or when a weekend if you can, and leave him to do everything for the children. When he queries what’s going on explain that you’ve had enough of him viewing his 9-5 Monday - Friday job as being so important you have to work 7am to 10pm Monday - Sunday out to equal it and explain you now understand that he doesn’t think you deserve rest or relaxation. Say for these reasons you’ve decided to be more like him and to prioritise your needs and think about yourself more.

I think it a basic standard that no man with a wife and children should do less around the house than if he were single, unless his wife adores her life and loves doing it all, or agrees that he funds cleaners etc as it really isn’t feasible with his job (although in general I am VERY sceptical of any claim that it’s not feasible for the poor man). I do not care that they work all day because how many men would pack in the job and be a bum if they didn’t have the family? he doesn’t even take care of you financially, rather he has crippled you with debt. This would be cards on the table for me, counselling or I walk and take our family. We will survive somehow and we will end up better off than if we had stayed with a man who gets us into debt and does fuck all around the house, from now on he shops and cooks two nights a week, does all his own washing, and takes the children out/plays with them for a few hours every single weekends during which time you will do no housework, or he’s not even trying and it’s over.

he’s genuinely a good guy but incredibly lazy.

I'm sorry OP but I'm going to gently disagree with you. A good guy wouldn't sit back and let his partner run herself ragged while he does nothing.

Thanks everyone for your replies-

I think getting a work from home job and counselling is a must.

I also need to have some deep conversations with DH. I feel scared to do this. How do I go about this? I am not confrontational and I don’t know how I say … this is serious and I’m not happy anymore.

Also thanks for the honesty- maybe he’s not the good guy but just incredibly selfish. It’s his job, he has to work away as his jobs so important and it’s al about him and his needs. Starting to see a different side which is why I needed help and advice as I can’t tell friends or family

@Henry01 I suggest you start here https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ It might also be worth consulting the CAB in person, to review your situation and rights as a whole.

Your financial setup leaves you vulnerable, I think. Wiser women than me can advise in more detail.

What's the financial set up for general spending, especially on children's things. From what you've said about the house deeds, it sounds like he's purposely screwed you out of the financial benefit of ownership of the house.

Just tell him you’d like to talk to him about your relationship once the kids are in bed. That way he won’t be blindsided and he’ll likely be panicking and thinking the worst. Then sit down and use I statements to explain how you feel. When you ….. it makes me feel …. and I would like it if you …… For example. When you come home and put your feet up all evening while I do all the childcare, cooking and housework, it makes me feel like I am a servant and you don’t think I deserve rest and I would like it if you helped me out more.

You need a job. It is never a good idea to be so financially dependent. It is not good for any relationship for one person to have financial responsibility for the whole family. It leads to imbalance. If you work your partner would have to do his fair share of household duties.
I find it sad and old fashioned when women choose not to have a job after marriage and then forget to have a proper job the rest of their lives. They miss out on self esteem and on pensions and the sense of being an equal partner.
Find a proper job, you were a nurse. You could find a job in nursing at just a couple of days a week. The NHS is crying out for nurses. You could pick your shifts. You could be a school nurse job sharing so two days a week.
Honestly, it will make you feel a million dollars. When you are treated with respect at work it will ensure you do not stand for a lack of respect at home.
Make tomorrow the day you look for a part time job

Have you kept your registration? If not I'd try and get back on the register. My concern would be thst if you work from home he will still expect you to be doing everything that needs done around the house and all the school runs. Do you have any support with childcare at all? I worked one nightshift a week (I was contracted but would be easier on a bank/agency basis) for a few years so I could get the kids to bed then head out and do my shift then be back for the school run and be up out my bed in time for pick up.

I can understand you feeling that you want to stay in the relationship but work on the concerns you have with counselling. I also think it can be difficult when your DH works away, I found that I was so efficient at managing the kids when DH came home there wasn't really a role for him to slot into and it was me and the kids in a team and him in another.

However there are some examples you have raised which have some red flags such as the finances. If it was me I would want to have a way of earning available short notice should I need it.

He IS abusive.

He's lied to you!!!

Go back to work, pronto, and then divorce his sorry ass

You also need to set your daughters an example. In the long run they will be proud of you. It is sad if your attitude to not working suggests to them that it is not worth trying at school because women don't work when they become wives and mothers.

@Henry01 thats not right about the house.before i divorced I was a sahm and I was always on the mortgage/deeds. I haven’t read all the posts yet but could you put credit card debt onto 0% credit cards?

I am in my seventies and took four and a half years off when I had my children (little in the way of childcare then). I did not enjoy being a full time SAHM and my husband asked me to work part time once my youngest was two. I shared childcare duties with another mother and returned to teaching two days a week. I felt like an equal again. When my youngest started school, I went full time and worked full time until 64. I still work a bit part time. It saved me and saved my marriage. It wasn't easy in terms of childcare but it gave me such self respect. I was a better mother, wife and friend because of my job.

Having been a single parent nurse who would not have managed without nursery, I can say that wages do cover it, particularly when there are 2 parents paying, so be honest, you just didn't want to leave them as in a loved up bubble of motherhood. Yes nurses don't get paid anywhere near enough for what we do, but it does cover nursery fees, and then some.
This is a common problem with becoming a SAHM, it can be a difficult getting the dad to revert to necessary pitching in after just after mat leave.
I'm guessing he was only too pleased for you to give up work, probably suggested himself it made financial sense. Basically, he sees kids and home as a thing that women sort while he sits back.
Try not picking his stuff up, clean nothing of his past, let's say, his normal working hours. Do the same hours as he does and down tools on his behalf when he does. Work as a housewife the same hours. See if he notices the tip that mounts up. If he does, we'll it's his mess and you have as much right to clock off when he does.
Or, get back into nursing, as the NHS is crying out for us, and shame him into pulling his weight.
If all this fails, tell him you'd be better off alone.

OP are you a qualified nurse? My mum used to work from home doing occupational health assessments. Something to look into?

Your DH is very, very far from being a good guy. I think your self esteem is on the floor, along with your standards, OP. I hope you manage to turn it around.

It might be right
When mortgages changed to affordability you could borrow more with just 1 applicant as if you put a non-working wife and children they were dependants and you could borrow less

The bank suggested just putting DH on ours (and I earned £120k at the time)

What's he actually doing that makes him a good guy/husband/father?

He has a job and doesn't seem to be violent, but other than that..?

@ReindeerHoptimist oh thanks. I’d never heard about that before. How do you get yourself protected with your part of the house? If you don’t mind me asking?

Part of the point of you carrying on working after having Dc is so you stay relevant, stay employed, and to keep your career going so you can earn good money for your future pension. If childcare cost more than you earned, so what? That's a joint cost for you and your h to pay.

Not abusive??!! He's a lazy fuckwit. Does he genuinely think it's ok for him to work Monday to Friday then to sit on his arse the whole weekend??

If so, tell him he's being an arse and make him do 50% at weekends!!!

You should also be on the house deeds.

But with his record of secret debt, I'd never trust him again. What has he spent the money on?? Why not tell you??

In his eyes you are not a partnership. He is the boss of you. He didn't see you as equal.