Is this normal in a marriage?

[Henry01]

Long post so apologies but don’t want to drip feed…

I’ve been with my husband since Alevels - so 18 years with 8 of those married. We have 2 children (7 and 2) I love him but I think I need advice as I feel unhappy and I’m worried about this.

everything was good - we got married and DH had a full time job and I did. He’s the main breadwinner. We had a baby within a couple of years of being married and were very happy. I left work as my salary as a nurse didn’t cover the nursery fees or make it viable. I was more than happy to do this as I loved being with our baby. DH always very supportive and said to leave work and he’ll support and to be fair he’s been very good at this.

However - this is where I feel sad. I feel like a slave. Ive never gone back to work and we’ve since had another baby and two dogs. DH does nothing in the house - he leaves his pants everywhere, mugs etc he never makes the bed - he would never dream of washing up or the dishwasher. I agree in the day it’s my job as I’m at home with the baby but on weekends and evenings he just literally sits there. It gives me the ick and I see it as lazy and unmotivated. I get up early with the kids and get them dressed (eldest is at school) feed the dog, do everything in the house and into the evenings. All the mental load is on me. I feel like I’m on duty 24/7 but he feels he can switch off and do nothing evenings and weekends. I also feel he’s lost his mojo - he never says oh I’ll take the dog out or I’ll take the girls to the park or teach them to ride a bike. It’s always me leading everything all the time. I have to sort everything socially and to do with the children . I find it unattractive as it’s like having another child.

Ive looked at going back to work to help myself out of this situation but financially it’s not really viable. I also want to be at home with the children and so the school runs etc . My eldest has autism so needs me to be around more as she has to unwind after school. DH works away a considerable amount of time on oil riggs and at a moments notice so we’d have to get help if I were to work due to my hours and it would be really hard to sort and expensive.

I feel trapped and unhappy. Fundamentally we love each other but I just feel like a door mat. I’ve got myself into a bad position because I now don’t work and I also want to look after my children . It just feels very messy at the moment .

Financially- DH also took credit cards out and loans which I was unaware of. He sorted all the finances out and said to leave it to him. He’s got us in crippling debt - he earns a good salary but the repayments each month are 3k alone. I’m so sad he did this- we haven’t lived a lavish lifestyle but he didn’t seem to know that putting things on a credit card is not free money and now we pay huge interest. I had no idea this was being done as I’m so against credit. So I’m sad he’s put us in this position.

He’s a good person but seems to live with his head in the clouds perhaps. I really have no idea what to do or who to turn to for help. 😢

I'd say a frank talk about how jobs are divided, and look into debt management. Maybe throw in that you don't feel you are setting a good example to the kids by doing 100% of the tasks, so you'd like more of a teamwork approach.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You highly need to become financially savvy and I would go to therapy on your own. He sounds like he will manipulate the whole thing in couples counselling.

hun you need to get ur assertive head on and get your household in order.
your husband is taking the absolute piss out of you and you have fallen into the guilt trap of being a sahm so every job in the house falls to you. NOT ON!!
please wake up and get this sorted.
as someone else said, stop doing everything. stop picking his stinking pants up off the floor (should be ashamed, he's NOT a child)
stop being a slave to these men who think they are doing YOU the favour by bringing home the bucks. he is actually being financially abusive by getting you into debt and hiding finances from you. he has no right to do this, so stop taking his shit and demand to see the accounts.
if you still
feel you cannot be assertive enough then write it all down and let him read it. but you must be honest. he needs to see what he has done to you.
stop enabling him. stop it right now. or nothing will change.

Why does your salary have any bearing on childcare costs? It's both your salary that counts.

Say you want to go back to work and ask to work out how you are BOTH going to make it possible.

Also get him to max out your pension ASAP.

Or save you breath and seek legal counsel.

Your job as a nurse doesn’t cover childcare? Where I live nurses make at lesst $100,000, they are quite well off