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Original poster

I'm at breaking point but still feel selfish!

76 replies

dejavu27 · 16/12/2023 23:27

My OH and I have been together nearly 13 years. He lives with me in my house. He lived in Spain for some time with his wife and 2 children. His daughter still lives there and has a Spanish boyfriend. His son moved over into my house to live with us when he was 16. He is now 26, and the same age as my son. We brought him here as he wasnt doing well with his Mum when his Dad came back to the UK. It was hard work as my partner works away and so I had two 16 year old boys to deal with. However, we got there in the end. His Mum & Dad lived there a long time too. His Dad still lives there on his own as unfortunately his Mum passed away a few years ago at 66.

Every year for the past 12 years we have had his daughter here for Christmas. The past 6 years we have also had his Dad too, and the past 3 years she has also come with her boyfriend. My OH does see them all throughout the year and we usually holiday where they live. We always get an apartment as I wouldn't put on them to have us and I like my own space anyway.
The past 2 Christmas's have been hard as my son now has his own child who is 2½. His relationship with his sons Mother was just an awful situation. He'd had enough and they separated when my Grandson wasn't very old and the last 2 Christmas's have not been easy. Last year we had my sons ex here with my Grandson as she is mentally unstable and we didn't want her on her own, so we gave her and my Grandson a lovely Christmas. My son suffered as he couldn't come here cos his ex just causes an argument for the sake of it. So he stayed away at his friend's. He was OK with that as he said she needed the support. I felt awful all Christmas. Earlier this year his ex was arrested for a serious offence and is still on remand awaiting trial. Consequently my Grandson was placed with me and my partner, and my son moved back home as he lived with his friend. We all look after him. My son has PR and spends a lot of time with his son but I am his main carer. This will be the 1st Christmas that my son would have had quality time with his son.
I spoke to my partner months ago about Christmas and said that it was going to be too much for me at Christmas and that I'd like to do what I want to do for a change. I'm self employed and work hard and then have to take a week unpaid every Christmas and have no downtime as his family are here every year. I can't stand his daughters boyfriend. He's bone idle, doesn't even move a cup, takes himself off to bed and sleeps for hours. He doesn't even work. His daughter is full of her own self importance, thinks she owns the place when she's here, and the 3 times she has been for a couple of days through the year, she has sulked because she is no longer the centre of attention. She is 24. 2 weeks ago my OH tells me they are coming for Christmas again, and so is his Dad. I don't mind his Dad, he's no bother, but I've had enough and I am at breaking point with all this. I hardly see my family at Christmas and go back to work knackered. I just want to pack my bags and leave them to it. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?

OP posts:

Inaspot21 · 16/12/2023 23:47

You’re not being at all unreasonable or selfish! I’d tell him if he wants them to come he can host and do all the work this year, and for you as well since you always give up your Christmas for all of them.

Itiswhysofew · 17/12/2023 00:08

That all sounds like hard work, for some pretty ungrateful people. They're all adults now. Can't they find somewhere else to go this year? You shouldn't have to disappear from your own home. Tell OH that you've done enough over the last 12 years and that you'd now like to have a quiet Christmas. He can take it or leave it. You're as important as all of his family and he needs to show more consideration towards you.

Original poster

dejavu27 · 17/12/2023 07:55

I'm just so overwhelmed with it all. It's been a big shock at 56 years old to have a toddler back in the house full time as well as everything else that has gone on this year. I've told him that he is welcome to book a week's holiday from work near Christmas in the future and go over and see his family, have an early Christmas with them, but if he even thinks of inviting them again we won't be a couple anymore. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

dejavu27 · 17/12/2023 08:04

I seriously don't think he has any clue how anxious and stressed I am with everything, never mind all this. Yes I am strong and can deal with most things, but we all have a breaking point, and I've just about reached mine.
His Dad is no bother, I understand that. We live in a market town and he just takes himself off sight seeing, shopping and puts no demands on me at all. He just goes with the flow. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:

2jacqi · 17/12/2023 08:10

@dejavu27 what about telling OH that is is YOUR house and you will invite who you want for a change!! It is not the family holiday home for his family and they can book themselves into an hotel if they want to come over!

wp65 · 17/12/2023 08:13

You say you're the main carer for your grandson, OP - that must be absolutely exhausting in itself. Is there any possibility of your son taking on more of the burden himself?

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 08:27

I spoke to my partner months ago about Christmas and said that it was going to be too much for me at Christmas and that I'd like to do what I want to do for a change

I seriously don't think he has any clue how anxious and stressed I am with everything, never mind all this

You've specifically told him that you will find this too much, this year. You have told him, in words.

Why has he dismissed your feelings, d'you think? Is he usually Mr Thoughtful, and sensitive to your feelings, or does he have form for this kind of lack of consideration? I suspect there might be a 'he doesn't care how I feel' backstory to all this.

What did he say when you told him this Christmas was going to be too much for you? Did he say 'Yeah, whatever...', or did he take it on board, and ask you what you'd like to do/what you want/what you need, etc? Did he show any interest in your feelings at all?

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 08:28

Unselfish people do things for themselves and others.
Selfish people only do things for themselves.

Doing things for yourself isn't a variable, when working out if you're selfish.

InefficientProcess · 17/12/2023 08:40

There’s loads of different issues here.

you are totally overwhelmed and no one is supporting or looking after you. It’s a you can’t pour from an empty cup situation.
you are now responsible for a toddler FT. This will need to be the priority for the energy you do have. Everyone else here is an adult who needs to sort themselves out
Your son not stepping up to his responsibilities. You’ve ended up the carer for his child rather than him. Why? Can he sort himself out and start taking responsibility for his child?
your partner deciding that your feelings don’t matter and inviting and just inviting his family anyway. This is unacceptable and demonstrates contempt for you.
your fear that setting any kind of boundaries rather than being a doormat to everyone. Can you get some counselling to help with this?

DNLove · 17/12/2023 08:50

I would tell them to book an air bnb nearby given he's already invited them. Let girlfriend and her boyfriend stay there. It's unfair on a young child that is probably already emotionally damaged by his mother being out of picture (regardless how bad a mother she is) then having a house full of relative strangers. The toddler needs structure.
Anything in the terms of your guardianship arrangement with the child that you can use. E. G. U vetted males in the house, etc etc

Vinrouge4 · 17/12/2023 09:04

can you insist that the daughter and boyfriend stay in an air b and b. You must take control of the situation and tell your partner it is not possible this year.

Terrribletwos · 17/12/2023 09:18

I wouldn't be telling them to stay in an air bnb as even if they did do that you would likely still be expected to still make meals, etc.

You need to let it be known that it's just not happening full stop. Tell him every day until he understands.

I really can't see why it wouldn't be blatantly obvious to your partner that this is too much which leads me to wonder is he dim or just cruel.

You need a rest!!

juicelooseabootthishoose · 17/12/2023 09:35

He invited them against your wishes he shops and cooks And cleans for them.

All of the adult children can be given a job. One is sorting deserts the other does the washing up pre meal, one post meal. Etc. One provides a christmas eve/boxing day buffet for everyone.

Us women need to stop this. If they dont provide a buffet or desert. Its on them. Dont step in.

Concentrate on yourself and your grandson. Go out for a lot of long walks-whilst you have a houseful of babysitters.

Get everyone to strip beds before they leave. And make sure they leave so you get some quieter times before you are back at work.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 10:16

All these 'tell them this', 'get them to do that' stuff in mental load. It's OP being the supervisor of the situation.

OP, I'd tell him that you explained to him before that you weren't doing Christmas like this this year, so you'll be doing what you want to, and he can deal with the people he invited. You don't have to go out or make a fuss. Just don't do things. Don't do prep. Don't organise stuff. Make sure you have what you need for a nice Christmas day, and if he asks any questions, tell him he's in charge of taking care of his guests.

BMW6 · 17/12/2023 10:19

Could you go somewhere with your son and GS for Xmas? Leave DH to do Xmas with his dd and dad?

DelphiniumBlue · 17/12/2023 10:35

The whole situation sounds overwhelming, and the events leading up to you taking on the care of GS must have been pretty traumatic too: the last few years have required you to dig very deep. It sounds like you are what's holding all this family together.
A few questions: was it OH's mum or former wife who died? I couldn't quite work it out from your post.
Why does the daughter come to you every year with bf? Doesn't he have a family?
How big is your house? Are you currently housing your son, OHs son, and your grandson and now expected to host another 3 for Christmas? Have you got enough bedrooms ( you'd need 6) to put them all up, or will it mean visitors sleeping in the living areas and all the clutter that involves?
Can anyone else host? Like FiL, or DiL?
Could OH take his family somewhere and leave you with your your son and GS for this Xmas? The little boy must be pretty traumatised already, how will he cope with more changes and extra people?
A nd how accommodating has OH been with the GS situation?
It's understandable that he would want to be with his own DC at Xmas, especially if their mother is not around.

BigButtons · 17/12/2023 10:42

Just tell him you are not going to be let of any of the shopping, prep and cooking. I bet he will soon change his mind.
it is all just far too much OP. You have been a saint doing what you have for so long.

binkie163 · 17/12/2023 10:55

BMW6 · 17/12/2023 10:19

Could you go somewhere with your son and GS for Xmas? Leave DH to do Xmas with his dd and dad?

Airbnb good idea but still sounds like carnage to me. I think you have been amazing for years, you have been taken advantage of and it is now expected. So I agree with @BMW6 spend time away with son and GS let the other adults sort themselves out. Then make it clear that next year in your house you get to choose.

SheilaFentiman · 17/12/2023 10:57

BMW6 · 17/12/2023 10:19

Could you go somewhere with your son and GS for Xmas? Leave DH to do Xmas with his dd and dad?

Agree with this. An Airbnb or hotel for the 3 of you somewhere christmassy - Winchester? Cotswolds? Head off Xmas Eve, head back Boxing Day, you and your son really focus on grandchild who at 2.5 will probably be delightfully excited. Make up for last year and do as little as you want to for food - pub Xmas lunch, or if in Airbnb, salmon and snacky bits and Netflix and blankets.

give yourself a break 🩷

SheilaFentiman · 17/12/2023 10:58

Even if op does none of the cooking, she still has obnoxious people in her house who she has to manage. Either DSD and boyfriend don’t come - as OP is ok with her FIL - or op and DS and DGC head out.

Dontbeme · 17/12/2023 13:01

BMW6 · 17/12/2023 10:19

Could you go somewhere with your son and GS for Xmas? Leave DH to do Xmas with his dd and dad?

This is OP home that her partner lives in with her, why should she, her son and grandchild incur the expense and hassle of leaving their own home over Christmas to accommodate people she didn't invite? Do you think she will find it restful to be wondering what's happening in her home and what state the place will be in when she returns?

The partners family can go to a hotel or whatever at their own cost or paid and organized by the partner, the OP sounds on her last reserves right now.

InefficientProcess · 17/12/2023 13:07

I find the ‘just you go away so they can all do Christmas in your house’ advice weird.

She told her partner months ago that she did not want visitors for Christmas this year. He decided that he’d ignore her and just present what he wanted as a fait accomplit. Screw that!

If he wants Christmas with his dad and daughter, he can rent an airB&B and get on with it.

SheilaFentiman · 17/12/2023 13:15

the reason we are suggesting she goes away is because even if he rents them an Airbnb and does all the cooking, they will be in her space and she doesn’t enjoy the company.

And a man who didn’t listen to her about them not coming won’t listen to her about not doing anything for them, and will expect clearing up and shopping to be split, at best.

Going elsewhere puts the power in her hands. Staying does not.

HerMammy · 17/12/2023 13:19

If you told him months ago not to invite them then it's clear he has no respect for you.
Call his daughter yourself and tell her you're not accommodating them as you need a quiet Xmas and be clear you told her dad this months ago.
No way should you have to go away, it's your home and this lot have taken advantage for years.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 14:02

@SheilaFentiman

And a man who didn’t listen to her about them not coming won’t listen to her about not doing anything for them, and will expect clearing up and shopping to be split, at best

He doesn't have to listen. He can expect what he wants. OP is in charge of what she does and doesn't do. If she doesn't do any shopping or clearing up, his listening and expectations don't even get a passing glance.

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