I'm at breaking point but still feel selfish!

[dejavu27]

My OH and I have been together nearly 13 years. He lives with me in my house. He lived in Spain for some time with his wife and 2 children. His daughter still lives there and has a Spanish boyfriend. His son moved over into my house to live with us when he was 16. He is now 26, and the same age as my son. We brought him here as he wasnt doing well with his Mum when his Dad came back to the UK. It was hard work as my partner works away and so I had two 16 year old boys to deal with. However, we got there in the end. His Mum & Dad lived there a long time too. His Dad still lives there on his own as unfortunately his Mum passed away a few years ago at 66.

Every year for the past 12 years we have had his daughter here for Christmas. The past 6 years we have also had his Dad too, and the past 3 years she has also come with her boyfriend. My OH does see them all throughout the year and we usually holiday where they live. We always get an apartment as I wouldn't put on them to have us and I like my own space anyway.
The past 2 Christmas's have been hard as my son now has his own child who is 2½. His relationship with his sons Mother was just an awful situation. He'd had enough and they separated when my Grandson wasn't very old and the last 2 Christmas's have not been easy. Last year we had my sons ex here with my Grandson as she is mentally unstable and we didn't want her on her own, so we gave her and my Grandson a lovely Christmas. My son suffered as he couldn't come here cos his ex just causes an argument for the sake of it. So he stayed away at his friend's. He was OK with that as he said she needed the support. I felt awful all Christmas. Earlier this year his ex was arrested for a serious offence and is still on remand awaiting trial. Consequently my Grandson was placed with me and my partner, and my son moved back home as he lived with his friend. We all look after him. My son has PR and spends a lot of time with his son but I am his main carer. This will be the 1st Christmas that my son would have had quality time with his son.
I spoke to my partner months ago about Christmas and said that it was going to be too much for me at Christmas and that I'd like to do what I want to do for a change. I'm self employed and work hard and then have to take a week unpaid every Christmas and have no downtime as his family are here every year. I can't stand his daughters boyfriend. He's bone idle, doesn't even move a cup, takes himself off to bed and sleeps for hours. He doesn't even work. His daughter is full of her own self importance, thinks she owns the place when she's here, and the 3 times she has been for a couple of days through the year, she has sulked because she is no longer the centre of attention. She is 24. 2 weeks ago my OH tells me they are coming for Christmas again, and so is his Dad. I don't mind his Dad, he's no bother, but I've had enough and I am at breaking point with all this. I hardly see my family at Christmas and go back to work knackered. I just want to pack my bags and leave them to it. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?

It's happening. It's a slow process but it's happening!!

Book an Airbnb or center Parcs for you, your son and your grandson. Have a great Xmas.

Yes I am totally overwhelmed and my only priority is moving sure that the needs of a 2 year old are met.
Daily changes in my sons behaviour regarding responsibility are becoming more obvious. I know it'll be a long process but the father son bond is strong.
I have had so many conversations with my partner over the last few days, absolutely no holds barred, and I am feeling that he is grasping what I am trying to get through to him. I moved most of the responsibility onto him for sorting his family out and I think he is grasping the magnitude of what he puts onto me, now the responsibility has been passed to him.
Boundaries? I feel this is my first boundary in a long while, and I have to start setting them with everyone now to start moving forward. I have to take the responsibility for allowing myself to be treat like this.

Yes that was my original point. My Grandson does not do great with a lot of people around him at the same time. His behaviour changes. Plus the fact he last saw them in June and my OHs daughter ignored him all holiday but also wants him to call her Aunty?!!!! Nope! He will also have to give up his room which we have not long started to settle him into so that will be a huge setback in the New Year. If he was 5-6 years old it would maybe be different as staying in another bed is exciting at that age, like a sleepover, but routine and structure at 2 years old is paramount. And he's been through enough.

I am glad your partner is understanding what he is putting on you.

Is it possible to have his daughter and her boyfriend sleep on sofas or camping mats rather than move the 2 year old? They are in their 20s and will come to no harm
on the floor for a couple of nights. Or they can pay for a nearby travelodge!

Good morning OP,

I can empathise with you to a certain extent as nobody apart from me makes the magic of Christmas happen in our house. I have, in the past enjoyed this role, but I too am tired.

I have scaled back for the past two years though, and ask for help with prep and washing up etc.

I can't imagine how stressful it would be to add an effervescent little Christmas elf into the mix, but also how magic! Did you want to concentrate on your grandson?

Actually I think this is the best solution, the toddler is settled and you’re right to think that it will be disruptive for him, and this is a good enough reason for you to say to the daughter and her boyfriend that they’re on the sofa, but you’ll absolutely understand if they want to make alternative arrangements

Seize your chance now or you’ll lose the opportunity @dejavu27

I would do what you’re suggesting take your son and grandson and go away. You need a break. Take it. You will be stressed before they arrive and you’re entitled to a Christmas you want. Yes you are doing enough working with a toddler etc. Give yourself permission you are allowed!

If you have no words, how have you posted? What was your point? Or did you just want to make a judgemental, passive aggressive dig at someone who is already down?

Why wasn’t he doing this anyway? I wouldn’t be doing any of it if I was you OP. Put your feet up and let them wait on you for a change. And stop buying his family’s cards and presents! If he doesn’t do it and they get nothing that’s his problem, not yours

So you resent your dp's daughter and her boyfriend staying for a few days because they create too much work for you but you expect your dp to be fine with putting up your son and his child permanently? Social services didn't leave the child with you over the child's own father because its what the mother wanted. They did it because your son was not capable of looking after his own child. He still isn't based on the comments you've made. Perhaps focus your anger on the person who chose to have a child while in a shitty relationship with an unstable woman and has since refused to step up and be a parent.

@Ghentsummer what a vicious post.

@Watchkeys I have a huge amount of respect for you, have benefitted from your posts (thank you) and refer to them at times, so I will respond to this.

I made this comment to the op in the context that she's considering ending her relationship only now when her dp is making unreasonable demands of her, but did not end it and throw the man out when he 'treated her son appallingly for a long time' (paraphrasing op's words). I find that shocking, and felt it bears pointing out that her boundaries are poor and priorities are rather odd. Reflecting on one's own past choices are important; if op hadn't put up with her dp's mistreatment of her son then, perhaps she wouldn't have been in this predicament now.

@Takenoprisoner

I'm glad you explained it further, it sounds a little kinder.

Yes you are right. I have made very poor choices. At that time my son had been with me alone for 10 years. My partner moved in and I was stuck in the middle of what I thought was just an Alpha male battle. My partner and son had had a lot of contact before he actually moved in and I did prioritise my son. He was only a teenager at the time, hes been on his own with me for 10 years, another man in the house who is not his Dad, hormones etc at that age. The issue really started when 9 months later my partners son moved in at 16. My son and his are the same age. To cut a long story short his Mum did not parent him at all and we had to bring him over from Spain to live with us. I agreed to this. There was no issue between my son and his, they are and always have been brothers. That was hard again as I was then parenting 2 teenagers, one who was at loggerheads with my partner, and the other with a Mum who never had any involvement with him once he had gone. And my partner worked away Monday to Friday. I could go on for ages but that's the outline of it. Yes I have made some poor choices, but most of them were actually decisions that made other peoples lives better, not my own.

Wrong. Social Services did not place the child with me because my son was incapable. They placed him here because his ex told them to. She would go to the ends of the earth to stop my son bonding with his. She's tried that since the day he was born...and now she's failed!!

He's never done it... but he has now! He knows what I do every year with zero help. I'm usually pretty organised and just do it because I'll sacrifice my own sanity, but with everything else that has gone on this year, I just lost the will to live, (not literally), and I just wanted my weeks unpaid holiday at Christmas to recharge and do what I wanted for a change.

I'll not be booking an Air B & B. However, I will be going out quite a lot. And I'm going to see my best friend who I've not seen since April!!
Thank you. Merry Christmas. 🎅

Have a great time with your friend!

Yes I did want to concentrate on my Grandson, or rather for my son too. It's alright people sounding off about my son, and I know he is far from being an innocent party in all this, I don't need telling that. But he didn't see his son on his 1st Christmas as she got very drunk on a family bowling trip and caused a huge arguement in front of the public. My son just left, so we had to, then the mammoth task of getting her home, taking my Grandson home with us as she wasnt fit to have a 4 month old. My son had to stay at ours as he couldnt stay where he lived, then we found out she had gone back out 10 minutes after we left. Couldnt get hold of her the next day, and she just turned up that night, took my Grandson, blocked my son and wasn't at home all Christmas. She had gone to her sisters but told them it was him who was drunk. He wasn't but they wouldn't let him go. Consequently he didn't see him until 3rd January!
Last Christmas they had separated and we didn't want her to be on her own Christmas Eve and day. She stayed here and we pulled all the stops out to make it nice for her, as well as having our usual guests. Consequently my son didn't have Christmas morning again. I still feel awful but my son said at the time that's she needed the support more than him. She got drunk again, she must have had it in her bag as we didn't supply it. I don't really drink and my partner had hardly any. She kicked off and then left and came back at 1am steaming. Consequently she was fit for nothing Christmas morning. That totally backfired on us and then in February she stabbed someone she had been seeing and is still on remand awaiting trial.
So this year my son has done his stocking, sorted presents, got the Santa key, done all the usual stuff parents should do anyway cos there is no stress of her turning up. You get the drift. I could go on and on.
My Grandson is 2½ and just wanted my son to have his first Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning in peace with him.

@dejavu27 one of the things I learned on mumsnet 'strategic incompetence' I had never even heard of it!
I am extremely organized, I was working ft but also 100% responsible for everything to do with life, social stuff, finances, the house etc, it was just easier/quicker to do everything myself. Having to ask husband to help just ended in 'how do I do that, where will I find this, ad infinitum. It took longer to explain his share of chores than it took to do them. He employed 'strategic incompetence' it is clever. I was becoming resentful and exhausted, so I just stopped doing stuff, no clean shirts...oh dear...no food...oh dear..house a mess ...oh dear, car insurance ran out...oh dear. I learnt not to engage or offer a solution. It took 2 years but now he does his share and is responsible for his own stuff.
Your ptnr and sons need to learn to do stuff for themselves not load everything on you. Have a great Christmas and maybe 2024 is the time to redistribute responsibilities and your future daughters in law will thank you xx

Maybe I should have thrown him out him years ago due to the appalling way he treat my son for a long time when he moved in.

I wonder if your dynamic with your son now is maybe based on you feeling guilty about this? It is quite shocking to read that you prioritised someone who abused your son.

Likewise perhaps on some level your son acts in an entitled way because he, whether consciously or subconsciously, and rightly or wrongly, feels you sort of 'owe' him for the pain caused by those years.

It may be worth trying to heal the wounds this will have caused your son by having an open and honest conversation with him about this and apologising for the choice you made.

BUT the difficulty with that is that you've stayed with the man who was abusive and cruel towards him, so he may feel that your apology is not genuine.

As I say, the idea that you stayed with someone who treated your son appallingly is really upsetting. He must have felt so confused and sad.

2 weeks ago my OH tells me they are coming for Christmas again - the word "tells" stuck out for me. These should be joint decisions.

Sit him down - tell him what you can and can't cope with - tell him what you expect HIM to do over the Christmas period. Don't take No for an answer. Time you started standing up for yourself.

I will be honest - I lost the plot on the complications of your life, and that was just reading it, let alone living it!! You need to get some clear rules into your life - rules that meet your needs. I bet you do all the shopping/cooking/washing/cleaning for this motley crew - stop now!

@dejavu27 what a fucking shit storm!! Crazy times, sending a hand hold x

It sounds like you've done nothing but firefight on the daily for a long time and need a rest, I hope you enjoy your Christmas elf and manage some down time too. Let the adults fend for themselves x

No he doesn't, this is your chance to not make things comfortable. Blow up beds in the living room will do.