I'm at breaking point but still feel selfish!

[dejavu27]

My OH and I have been together nearly 13 years. He lives with me in my house. He lived in Spain for some time with his wife and 2 children. His daughter still lives there and has a Spanish boyfriend. His son moved over into my house to live with us when he was 16. He is now 26, and the same age as my son. We brought him here as he wasnt doing well with his Mum when his Dad came back to the UK. It was hard work as my partner works away and so I had two 16 year old boys to deal with. However, we got there in the end. His Mum & Dad lived there a long time too. His Dad still lives there on his own as unfortunately his Mum passed away a few years ago at 66.

Every year for the past 12 years we have had his daughter here for Christmas. The past 6 years we have also had his Dad too, and the past 3 years she has also come with her boyfriend. My OH does see them all throughout the year and we usually holiday where they live. We always get an apartment as I wouldn't put on them to have us and I like my own space anyway.
The past 2 Christmas's have been hard as my son now has his own child who is 2½. His relationship with his sons Mother was just an awful situation. He'd had enough and they separated when my Grandson wasn't very old and the last 2 Christmas's have not been easy. Last year we had my sons ex here with my Grandson as she is mentally unstable and we didn't want her on her own, so we gave her and my Grandson a lovely Christmas. My son suffered as he couldn't come here cos his ex just causes an argument for the sake of it. So he stayed away at his friend's. He was OK with that as he said she needed the support. I felt awful all Christmas. Earlier this year his ex was arrested for a serious offence and is still on remand awaiting trial. Consequently my Grandson was placed with me and my partner, and my son moved back home as he lived with his friend. We all look after him. My son has PR and spends a lot of time with his son but I am his main carer. This will be the 1st Christmas that my son would have had quality time with his son.
I spoke to my partner months ago about Christmas and said that it was going to be too much for me at Christmas and that I'd like to do what I want to do for a change. I'm self employed and work hard and then have to take a week unpaid every Christmas and have no downtime as his family are here every year. I can't stand his daughters boyfriend. He's bone idle, doesn't even move a cup, takes himself off to bed and sleeps for hours. He doesn't even work. His daughter is full of her own self importance, thinks she owns the place when she's here, and the 3 times she has been for a couple of days through the year, she has sulked because she is no longer the centre of attention. She is 24. 2 weeks ago my OH tells me they are coming for Christmas again, and so is his Dad. I don't mind his Dad, he's no bother, but I've had enough and I am at breaking point with all this. I hardly see my family at Christmas and go back to work knackered. I just want to pack my bags and leave them to it. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?

He should rent an airB&B and stay in it with his guests. That leaves the OP at home with her DS and DGC to do Christmas however she pleases.

No cleaning up after them because the guests will simply not be in her house at all.

These lazy moochers all are taking advantage of you.

What exactly does your "partner" contribute?

Sure, but they will be in her space, in her face, leaving no clean plates, if they are that lazy. Which means she will end up going out for breakfast lunch and dinner with her family if she wants to avoid them.

Again, she can’t really control OH being elsewhere. He’s lived in the house for 13 years. Not sure if he pays rent or whatever but it is “his house” by way of being his permanent place of residence.

I agree he has been an arse. I think, with this amount of notice, I would go elsewhere with the people I wanted to be with, leave him to it and have it out in the new year.

@SheilaFentiman

Going elsewhere puts the power in her hands. Staying does not

Leaving your own house on Christmas day because your partner has invited guests that you have expressed you don't want in your house is, in no way, stepping into your power. The only way to put the power back in your own hands with a disrespectful person is to stop putting yourself in situations where they can disrespect you. Going elsewhere on Christmas day will deal with one symptom, but it doesn't put any power in OP's hands. It just helps her avoid the fact that she has no power in this relationship. After all, she could come back and find all the plates still waiting to be washed up on January 2nd, couldn't she?

Not sure if he pays rent or whatever but it is “his house” by way of being his permanent place of residence

This is what needs to change.

You have your view, I have mine, @Watchkeys

See ya.

If a partner decided that his wishes about inviting people is expressly told him not to invite to my house was all that mattered, to the extent that I felt I had to get an air b&b and escape for Christmas, it most certainly would not be his home any longer.

Obviously ending a 13 year relationship over this is one option, but probably not something op is about to do in the next week.

This. He's using the OP in a truly callous, disrepectful way.

Hold on, are they still coming after your said no? Because that shows complete disregard for you and your needs. Tell him, no not this year, not in your home. He can move out and entertain them elsewhere.

Same. And he'd find himself suddenly single, too.

A few things I find it highly interesting what you have said about his daughter and boyfriend however they have not landed you with a toddler

The only appalling thing I see is your son expecting you to raise his child!

And you have the audacity to threaten to dump your partner if his daughter comes? How do you think your partner feels living with your son and toddler?

I would be more understanding if your son and child were not there but they appear to be the real reason why you are tired and exhausted!

TBH I would dump anyone who spoke about my kids the way you have about his

He does do quite a lot but he is struggling since this happened. He also works full time and I work as much as I can. Being self employed I can wiggle some of my jobs and sometimes go back to work when he comes home.

Stand your ground, OP. You've had a very busy year. You don't want his daughter and her lazy arse boyfriend to stay with you this year. It's your house - yes, he lives with you, but you have to have overall say.

Don't say you'll go elsewhere! Other people can go elsewhere.

Why isn't your grandchild living with your son?

Well I am sorry but I am unable to post the absolute whole scenario of everything. Maybe I should have thrown him out him years ago due to the appalling way he treat my son for a long time when he moved in. But we managed to eventually work through this even though as I have stated, I took on his son from Spain to give him a chance at a decent life. So yes I am asking, and constructive criticism or a possible way to a solution would be taken on board to be considered, but really, how dare you?!! And for your information my partner wanted to take my Grandson on, it wasn't forced upon him.

Maybe I should have thrown him out him years ago due to the appalling way he treat my son for a long time when he moved in.

I think you should have thrown him out if that was the case, yes.

My partner does work very hard and is not selfish with his earnings. He does contribute. But it's not the money. Ive never been one for having people stay, but I have done it, and managed, but as the years have gone by its just taken its toll on me. I brought my son up on my own from 4 years old, worked shifts, weekends, nights for 22 years and I don't want to host anymore, and especially for those who don't even buy a loaf of bread and its "their" holiday.

Hi. Yes they are still coming!! I am dreading it but I have "told" my partner that he will tell them, in front of me, that this is the last year. He has said he will do that as I have now had him take more than half of the responsibility of doing the cleaning, shopping, made him go and buy, write and post all his family cards, get all their presents and he will be wrapping them all.

Yanbu, book a holiday away and leave them to get on with it! X

My son doesn't have a house of his own. He was living with his ex and she was in social housing which was in her name. The house is now empty and back in the hands of the local council. She never worked and got everything. My son, like me, has always worked hard, and because he does, he can't claim anything apart from child benefit. Private renting is extortionate where we live, so he is trying to sort an application out through social housing, but that could take over 2 years. He is a bit resistant to it though as he sees it as sponging and the council won't prioritise as we are not overcrowded as there are 4 of us in a 3 bedroom semi and it's a safe and fit place for my Grandson. 🤷‍♀️

OP: trying to say this gently, but I think you might need to take some rose tinted goggles off about your son. I realise you are just going to get defensive but this is important. everything you’ve posted indicates that you are surrounded by people who treat you as a household appliance.

He’s a bit resistant to social housing because he sees it as sponging? He’s ’trying to sort out an application’. He hasn’t even applied yet.

He’s quite happy to live with you and have you (not him!) be responsible for his son. Social services decided you should have care of the child. Not the child’s father. That speaks volumes.

Now he’s happy to live in your house, with you running yourself into the ground looking after his child. Of course he is.

He was also quite happy to live in social housing when it was all his ex’s responsibility. But now apparently her house is sitting empty but there’s a 2 year wait for social housing?

People with childcare costs and rental costs can claim universal credit on salaries of up to about £40k. Plus child benefit. If he earns more than that, he can definitely afford to rent somewhere himself. If less, he can get financial support to help with that. I’d wager he simply doesn’t want to because he likes you doing it all (and still imagining him as some poor, mistreated hero son).

Maybe I should have thrown him out him years ago due to the appalling way he treat my son for a long time when he moved in.

@dejavu27 You allowed this man to abuse your son for years in what should have been his safe space. You enabled the abuse of your son. I have no words.

Op I feel for you. I think the only solution right now is for your oh to book an air&b and spend Christmas there and make sure everyone understands what will change for next year.

This. You can't tell him not to invite his family but you can decide to leave the hosting and preparations for his guests to him.

Hi. No I'm not going to go on the defensive about my son. He is definitely no Angel Gabriel in all of this. He has had a meeting with the council though and they have done the application but have not classed it as a priority. We spoke to the council at the time about the house being taken over but they said they had homeless families at the top of the waiting list and had to follpw procedure. Social Services only acted on Mums behalf, she wanted the child to come to us, not his Dad, and her reasons are not that he is not capable, its just another way to cause drama. She cannot however take PR away from him, and since the relationship ended there have been so many changes in him, but he has a hell of a long way to go.
We are aware of the claim for Universal Credit, we are getting help from family rights with regard to this as the system takes my partners wage into consideration as we all live in the same house. Social Services classed this as a family arrangement so we get no support at all from them. Sometimes it just feels like every door closes but I will keep at it.
Definitely no offence taken at your reply. Everything is just a total mess and I just get everything in order in my head to start prioritising what needs sorting 1st.