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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex after baby - is this unreasonable?

62 replies

Crumbles443 · 16/12/2023 20:31

Baby is 10 months. Before baby was here we had an active sex life, obviously dropped a fair bit when pregnant but still had sex/intimacy approx 2 times a week

i I feel like a broken record and seem to be struggling with wondering how this relationship can continue in the future and work when we are at such different places/opinions and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable or he is and I’m being manipulated in a way

even before baby was here partner always expressed how important sex in a relationship is to him. So I do all night feeds/waking which can sometimes be multiple sometimes 1. I explained to partner that it’s unrealistic if he thinks every night or every other when it’s baby dependent and tiredness etc. he says he understands. But then always wants it, always talks about it, then complains I don’t want it. Granted I actually could do without it - I don’t care for it at all like I used to not sure whether hormones changed etc. he knows I don’t like sex when he’s drunk as it takes ages and he never finishes especially when I’m up in a few hours with baby, tonight had a drink and wanted it then got in a mood and said I never want it, we have had sex 3 nights this week and 1 night he was away with work. I just feel we are at such an mis match, he would have it every day even when he says he doesn’t. Most of the times I make an effort even when I can’t really be bothered with it. I just don’t know where we go, it’s a conversation every day and I’m wondering how we go forward when we both are completely on different pages

OP posts:

Didimum · 16/12/2023 20:44

Regardless of baby hormones and tiredness, I’m not surprised you don’t want it with his utterly selfish and sulking attitude. What an enormous turn off. At twice a week happily, consider myself to have a fairly high sex drive considering my lifestyle (young twins, work full time), and I would not be happy with the relationship you describe. At all.

WashableVelvet · 16/12/2023 20:47

Ewwww, his approach would turn me off sex and off him. If he doesn’t think tiredness is a reason then maybe suggest splitting the nights 50/50…though I suspect he wouldn’t, because on some level he knows how awful sleep deprivation is.

Original poster

Crumbles443 · 16/12/2023 20:52

Thank you

i should add I’m ok with the nights as it’s due to his job, he starts work at 3am so it’s not a problem but obviously I am tired from it.

i don’t know whether it’s normal to go off sex altogether after a baby is 10 months down the line. But yes his behaviour doesn’t help. I thought 2/3 a week is a decent amount but I’m starting to think he won’t be happy with anything but every night. I know I need to make an effort more because I have been refusing for ages so I thought 3 times this week I was making the effort as I know how important for him. And I do miss the intimacy but I just can’t be bothered for it either if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2023 20:58

He's making it a chore to add to your To Do list

No wonder you're not interested

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2023 21:03

Are you breastfeeding? Some women find that reduces their libido. Tiredness and a demanding partner will put you off either way. But if you feel much less interested than before that might be another factor.

Nicole1111 · 16/12/2023 21:26

I do think it’s important to try and have physical intimacy in a relationship, however his approach to achieving that sounds incredibly relentless and childish, and like it’s designed to wear you down. If I were you I’d have a hard boundary about no sex if he’s been drinking and I’d start highlighting that his nagging is a turn off. Every time he does it tell him he’s turning sex in to a chore and there is nothing unsexier than an adult man acting like a horny teenager. Tell him if he wants to seduce you nagging isn’t the way forward but he could try running you a bath, letting you go for a nap etc, and he’d likely be more successful.

cansu · 16/12/2023 21:29

Tbh I can't think if anything worse than someone only doing nice things like running a bath or 'allowing' you a nap so they get sex. Ultimately he needs to stop pestering you. Being pestered when you are tired out sounds hideous.

Welcome2thecircus · 16/12/2023 21:33

I'd say your reaction is totally normal. When you're not getting any help during the night, it's just another ask of you. I'm breastfeeding at the mo and between that the newborn and toddler I'm touched out most nights.

I'd give him the choice to help, if not, I'd go ahead and sleep and not feel guilty.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2023 21:46

Your partner is a selfish tosser.

He's what we used to call a male chauvinist pig.

Can you see a resolution to this horrible behaviour of his that would involve the two of you walking into the sunset hand in hand, smiling, happy?

I can't. I don't think I could ever get past the sheer ugliness of his behaviour and attitude, the fact that he sees you as basically a wank sock.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2023 21:51

Crumbles443 · 16/12/2023 20:52

Thank you

i should add I’m ok with the nights as it’s due to his job, he starts work at 3am so it’s not a problem but obviously I am tired from it.

You do not have to make an effort more. If you don't feel like having sex, then you do not have to have sex, and he has no right at all to pester you or try to wear you down so that you say yes. If your yes isn't enthusiastic and is only given when he has worn you down - well there's a word for that sort of sex.

You don't owe him sex. He has done a number on you if you honestly believe this.

He owes you 100% more unconditional love, affection, and support than you are getting from him.

Motherofwitches · 16/12/2023 21:56

You don't want sex because you are just so fucking tired. There is a massive disconnect and left unchecked it will tear both of you apart. To be honest this was when the rot set in with me and my ex, the fall out was a family breaking up.

He will know you are having sex out of duty and after a drink and for now he will gladly accept it even though its detrimental to you but later down the line he will resent you for you for it because his ego will be damaged.

You need a really frank an honest conversation on where you are at emotionally and physically.

When my emotional needs were being met I always wanted sex and felt close to my husband - when he left me to do the massive lions share of raising kids they were not and I stopped wanting sex. I thought it was tiredness but actually it was because I was emotionally exhausted.

I would always advocate trying to save a marriage ( if not abusive) as the fall out on the kids is horrible. The rot really can set in after the birth of kids when we are just so emotionally tired and vulnerable and if things can be nipped I the bud early then its worth it.

Tell him how you feel, tell him that you need emotional help/connection rather than sexual the moment. If he is a decent bloke he will work on that to bring you closer together - if he can't he is a emotionally immature idiot who you will be better off without

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 22:03

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2023 20:58

He's making it a chore to add to your To Do list

No wonder you're not interested

This! It's such a fucking turn-off, isn't it?

He's completely selfish and self-absorbed. I can totally see why you don't want to have sex.

I'd tell him that if he cared for you more, and parented more, that you'd want him more, but that many people are not up for this much sex after having a baby and he needs to back the fuck off..

Kwasi · 16/12/2023 22:04

I've had next to no help since DC was born 5.5 year ago. He just doesn't get that taking care of a child full time (was SAHM before DC went to school), picking up after an absolute slob, doing 100% of house and kid stuff, including 100% of getting up with DC since he was born, are all things that simply don't make me horny.

FPCculture · 16/12/2023 22:19

"Granted I actually could do without it - I don’t care for it at all like I used to not sure whether hormones changed etc."

I think you are right to Say you don't know how this relationship will last .

Your sex drives are different and you are having sex just for how benefit and not because you want it.

Save yourself and his time too and do the right thing. Also if it was down to just being tired I would suggest you suggest that he takes some of the burden the baby brings and you will be fine but that's not the reason as you clearly stated.

FPCculture · 16/12/2023 22:19

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 22:03

This! It's such a fucking turn-off, isn't it?

He's completely selfish and self-absorbed. I can totally see why you don't want to have sex.

I'd tell him that if he cared for you more, and parented more, that you'd want him more, but that many people are not up for this much sex after having a baby and he needs to back the fuck off..

Show quote history

She actually stated she is not into sex and he isn't the reason (read again)

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2023 22:24

She actually stated she is not into sex and he isn't the reason (read again)

She stated she does all the many night wakings, he does none, she's tired and doesn't feel it. Maybe if he did more, she'd be less tired.

Nothing sexier than a man washing up.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/12/2023 22:27

A little romance would help. He sounds an utter boor. Please read back where you said you didn't like it when he's drunk because it goes on for ages and he doesn't finish. You're his wife not a doughnut with a hole in it.

CB2611 · 16/12/2023 22:29

Nothing gives me more of "the ick" than being pressured to have sex and made to feel like it is my job.

hellsBells246 · 17/12/2023 00:12

No she didn't @FPCculture - maybe you should read again?

Pigeonqueen · 17/12/2023 00:18

This is basically why I left my first dh, when dd was 6 months old (she’s now an adult so it was a long time ago). I was just utterly sick of it all and felt neither of us would ever really be happy. I met my now dh 15 years ago and he’s a completely different type of person, no pressure, isn’t bothered at all even though I know in an ideal world he’d like it more than me - we have / had another dc together and it was so lovely not having that constant pressure. Sulking over sex is such a turn off. It literally makes you never want to have sex ever again.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 00:43

FPCculture · 16/12/2023 22:19

She actually stated she is not into sex and he isn't the reason (read again)

Show quote history

No woman would be into sex with a man who's acting like that and pressuring them into sex when they're so exhausted. It's a huge turn off to have someone want to have sex with you when they know you don't want it.

So even though she hasn't stated that he is the reason, I can guarantee that the pressure he's putting on her is a huge part of the reason why her libido won't ever really come back for this man.

She might not know yet that he's a big part of the reason but in years to come she will see that maybe initially it was tiredness and hormones that made her not want sex, that is was very much his behaviour that cemented her lack of interest in having sex with him and made it more and more intolerable.

User87645632 · 17/12/2023 00:50

Tell him to fuck off and stop pressuring you! Your priority here is the baby, sleep and yourself. Tell him to have a wank. This sounds awful op. Tell him to back off

C8H10N4O2 · 17/12/2023 10:22

FPCculture · 16/12/2023 22:19

She actually stated she is not into sex and he isn't the reason (read again)

Show quote history

That isn't really what she said now is it? Its a combination of exhaustion and a man whose view of sex is self gratification, not joint pleasure.

She stated:

"he knows I don’t like sex when he’s drunk as it takes ages and he never finishes especially when I’m up in a few hours with baby, tonight had a drink and wanted it then got in a mood and said I never want it, we have had sex 3 nights this week and 1 night he was away with work"

Who wants sex with a whiny selfish drunk like that who doesn't care about her engagement or enjoyment? She's exhausted, he's behaving like a prick. Not an attractive proposition for any woman.

category12 · 17/12/2023 10:33

Op's less interested in sex than she used to be because she's exhausted and has a child under one. Hormonal factors play in, sleep deprivation plays in, her partner's pressure and bullying plays in.

She is in fact having a lot of sex for someone in that position.

Which is probably a mistake, because the more you have sex with someone to keep them sweet and not because you actually want it, the more unpleasant it becomes.

The bloke kicking off about lack of sex when he's getting it several times a week is repulsive. He's well on course for making it horrible to her.

Outliers · 17/12/2023 11:08

Don't let the bitter women of mumsnet convince you that your husband is a demon for desiring to make love to his wife.

Does he need to manage his expectations urges? Certainly! And that can be achieved through effective communication. Remember men don't experience the hormonal and bodily changes that drive women to go off sex once they've had a child.

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