Sex after baby - is this unreasonable?

[Crumbles443]

Baby is 10 months. Before baby was here we had an active sex life, obviously dropped a fair bit when pregnant but still had sex/intimacy approx 2 times a week

i I feel like a broken record and seem to be struggling with wondering how this relationship can continue in the future and work when we are at such different places/opinions and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable or he is and I’m being manipulated in a way

even before baby was here partner always expressed how important sex in a relationship is to him. So I do all night feeds/waking which can sometimes be multiple sometimes 1. I explained to partner that it’s unrealistic if he thinks every night or every other when it’s baby dependent and tiredness etc. he says he understands. But then always wants it, always talks about it, then complains I don’t want it. Granted I actually could do without it - I don’t care for it at all like I used to not sure whether hormones changed etc. he knows I don’t like sex when he’s drunk as it takes ages and he never finishes especially when I’m up in a few hours with baby, tonight had a drink and wanted it then got in a mood and said I never want it, we have had sex 3 nights this week and 1 night he was away with work. I just feel we are at such an mis match, he would have it every day even when he says he doesn’t. Most of the times I make an effort even when I can’t really be bothered with it. I just don’t know where we go, it’s a conversation every day and I’m wondering how we go forward when we both are completely on different pages

Really?? And he thinks that coercing and hassling the op into sex is a good way of going about it??

What an arse. Are you financially independent? If not you need to take steps to get that way.................

Broccoli is a vegetable. Nobody needs to obtain its enthusiastic consent before eating it.

Sex, otoh, involves the enthusiastic consent of the preferred partner. If that isn't present then it isn't sex. It's assault.

If the OP doesn't want to have sex she doesn't have to have sex. A decent man would respect that and put his likes or dislikes aside. He would do this because he understands that his partner has an absolute right to not have sex with him every time he wants sex. In other words, he accepts she has a right to determine what happens to her own body. He doesn't see her as a handy set of bodily orifices into which he can put his penis anytime he wants.

His preference for sex on demand is an expression of his jealousy of the baby and the attention the OP pays to him or her. It's not something innate to him that the OP needs to pander to.

He is, in theory anyway, fully capable as an adult human being of examining his behaviour, apologising for it, and changing his ways. He knows how she feels about his demands, but instead of listening and showing respect and love, he is engaging in a disgusting power play. He is using sex as a means of exercising power and control over his partner.

I have a high sex drive and was having sex the night after I gave birth... let me tell you tho if my DH acted like this man I'd never want to have sex with him again. There's nothing more of a turn off than some inconsiderate whiny man baby obsessed with how often he's getting laid... completely blind to how tired you might be. It's grim.
It's not your hormones it's him. He's disgusting and unsupportive.

Oh goodness. Saying yes to sex because you have been pestered and guilt tripped into it is not consent.

I am so sorry. I hope he is open to a sensible conversation and can change his behaviour. However, he doesn't sound the self aware and considerate type.

I'd say you need to stick to your boundaries and then he decides what is more important to him.

Broccoli is a vegetable. Nobody needs to obtain its enthusiastic consent before eating it

Yes, @mathanxiety My point was about whether someone can state that someone else 'should' be happy with something. Not quite sure why you've quoted me. I wasn't comparing eating broccoli to having sex.

Not a demon for desiring to make love to his wife.
He's a sex pest for pressuring her to let him have sex with her when he knows she's exhausted.

Big difference. Huge difference. In fact the 2 things aren't in any way the same.

As for saying effective communication can manage his expectations, well it hasn't yet has it?

We don't need to be reminded that they don't experience the hormonal and bodily changes either, and neither do men, they're not fucking stupid.

I think op said he always been like this, the change is now that she doesn't wanna or feel like sex

It's odd that he is now wanting sex more often than before you had you baby. Perhaps point that out to him. Like some men, I suspect he can't get his head around you giving your baby more attention than him. Its quite pathetic, but unfortunately some men feel they have to compete with their own child, when really, if they paid their child as much attention as they should, less attention would need to come from their mothers. You'd probably find that a father looking after and doing lots for their child is a natural aphrodisiac ( I'd find it quite sexy anyway). It would probably calm his libido.
So perhaps change the focus of what's wrong, it's not about sex, it's about his lack of involvement with his DC. No excuse for not doing night feeds when he has a day off. Also, if he's going out for drinks, he has to look after his DC at times so you can go out with your mates, only fair.

Who says people don't have the right to judge?
People do judge all the time for exactly this reason, when they see people who can't be grateful for what they have even though objectively they have it really good.

A lot of People judge teenagers who are apparently ungrateful or greedy.
People judge people who aren't content with their partner at home and so they go off for some more sex/excitement/ego boost elsewhere.
People judge people who complain that they need a break when they've had 2 holidays already that year.
People judge people for their 'first world problems'.
People judge men who aren't content with a more normal sex life and who wants his partner to fulfil his kink every time they have sex.

Maybe all those people need whatever it is that they're asking for in order to be happy but that doesn't mean people can't or won't judge them. Some people are self centred and self centred people are going to be judged, especially if what they need to be happy is making someone else unhappy.

I'd say a man who has a 10 month old baby at home who has sex 3 times a week should indeed be very happy. He could prefer more, he could want more but if he's so entitled that he thinks he can actually whinge and moan about it then he has an issue/issues and he needs to cop on, change his attitude and get therapy if necessary.

Who says people don't have the right to judge

I'll tell you when you tell me how we decide whose judgement is right. Of course we can all judge, but nobody has the right to judge in a way that affects others. 'Nobody has the right to inflict their judgement on others' would have been a better way to phrase it.

I'd say a man who has a 10 month old baby at home who has sex 3 times a week should indeed be very happy

That's fine, say it if you like. But who cares? What difference does it make? If I say he shouldn't be happy, does it make any difference to you?

@Watchkeys
90% of the relationships forum is people judging peoples behaviour and inflicting judgement, and people asking MNs to judge it 😅

My opinion on here is not going to make a difference to the man in question directly because he's not in fact reading on here. My opinion along with others might in fact influence the OP to think no fuck that I don't need to be bending over backwards to have sex that I don't want, I'm not going to be bullied and pressured into more, and might make her be firm about what she wants and expects from him and what she is going to tolerate. That may then have an impact on his behaviour, maybe it won't, who knows, maybe he'll continue to whine and moan like an ungrateful sex pest and then he'll end up getting approximately zero sex eventually when she has a full on aversion to sex with him, then he'll really have something to be unhappy about, and I bet he'll look back at the 3 times a week sex and think "oh my god I would kill for that now".