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Original poster

Sex after baby - is this unreasonable?

62 replies

Crumbles443 · 16/12/2023 20:31

Baby is 10 months. Before baby was here we had an active sex life, obviously dropped a fair bit when pregnant but still had sex/intimacy approx 2 times a week

i I feel like a broken record and seem to be struggling with wondering how this relationship can continue in the future and work when we are at such different places/opinions and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable or he is and I’m being manipulated in a way

even before baby was here partner always expressed how important sex in a relationship is to him. So I do all night feeds/waking which can sometimes be multiple sometimes 1. I explained to partner that it’s unrealistic if he thinks every night or every other when it’s baby dependent and tiredness etc. he says he understands. But then always wants it, always talks about it, then complains I don’t want it. Granted I actually could do without it - I don’t care for it at all like I used to not sure whether hormones changed etc. he knows I don’t like sex when he’s drunk as it takes ages and he never finishes especially when I’m up in a few hours with baby, tonight had a drink and wanted it then got in a mood and said I never want it, we have had sex 3 nights this week and 1 night he was away with work. I just feel we are at such an mis match, he would have it every day even when he says he doesn’t. Most of the times I make an effort even when I can’t really be bothered with it. I just don’t know where we go, it’s a conversation every day and I’m wondering how we go forward when we both are completely on different pages

OP posts:

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 11:46

You've had sex 3 times this week, whilst having a child under one, and he thinks you never want sex?!

Honestly he needs to get a grip of himself and I'd tell him that personally. In my last LTR we probably only had sex that often and we didn't have a baby.

Tell him that the sulking is such a turn off, you're not going to have sex you don't want, and unless he wants to continue being disappointed he's going to have to manage his expectations. Wanting to get his leg over more than 3 times a week, whilst you do all the night wakings, is absolutely ridiculous. He does not live in the real world

hellsBells246 · 17/12/2023 12:36

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Outliers · 17/12/2023 12:51

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I already acknowledged he needs to manage himself, so not sure why you're singling out my posts.

Libmama · 17/12/2023 12:56

He’s a pig.

My DP I actually feel sorry for. Our DD is 1 tomorrow and we’ve still not had sex since she’s been born. I’m breastfeeding and have zero libido which is known to happen. She is also up every 2/3 hours in the night and I am beyond tired.

My DP just takes extra long showers at the moment. We will get back on it but until she starts to sleep better there’s not a chance.

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 12:57

Intimacy in a relationship is really important but that doesn't need to be from sex. Touch, helping you, closeness. Doesn't sound like he is offering that? Ask if he can and see if it helps.

Some people advise testosterone to get your libido back.

Not wanting to have sex is reasonable. You never have to have it if you don't want to. However, it is also reasonable for him to want sex and at a certain point discuss open relationships or separating.

Wishing you all the best in resolving it.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 12:57

not sure why you're singling out my posts

Possibly because they refer to the vast majority of PP's on the thread as 'the bitter women of MN', and you're speaking in favour of a man who disrespects his wife's feelings and bodily autonomy because he wants his willy rubbing.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 13:03

OP, if you don't want to have sex, don't. If he can't cope with it, what does that say about him?

I understand that it's good to talk to your partner and reach an understanding, but he's not listening, is he? You tell him, he ignores you, and then you do what he wants, even though you've told him you don't want to. It's a conversation every day because you keep having it. But it's your body. You can tell him that you don't want sex at the moment, and that you don't want to talk about it again for a month. End of. If he can't handle your body needing and wanting what it needs and wants, then why are you meant to be handling what his body wants and needs? Why are you the one who has to not get their way?

wudubelieveit · 17/12/2023 13:10

seeing as it seems he's wanting to have sex even more regularly than you did pre baby, i wonder if he's using sex as a way to get close to you? the dynamics of relationships change so much this first year post birth.

wudubelieveit · 17/12/2023 13:13

p.s. drinking to actually get drunk for me is not a great sign and would personally make me very resentful of my husband if i was likewise tied to caring for my baby. does he never stop at just a couple ?

Jellycats4life · 17/12/2023 13:16

These gross men only want a wife as a receptacle for their penis. What is wrong with them?

Hibernatalie · 17/12/2023 13:19

3 times in a week is loads for a child free couple, let alone one with a baby.

Hibernatalie · 17/12/2023 13:19

Why bother at all if you're just going to get moaned at either way.

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 13:26

Just to be clear - you're no where near discussing open relationships etc. you have a tiny baby and this is perfectly normal.

I also think he should be happy with 3 x a week. We only seem to manage that if we have a weekend away and even then it's probably "only" twice 😂

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 13:43

I also think he should be happy with 3 x a week

Why on earth anybody thinks anybody 'should' be happy with something (anything) is beyond me. You hate broccoli, but I think you should be happy that you have some on your plate. What relevance does my opinion of 'what you should be happy with' have?! There are no guidelines of what we should and shouldn't like. Our likes and dislikes are expressions of our personality. How egotistical to try and dictate what that 'should' be.

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 13:54

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 13:43

I also think he should be happy with 3 x a week

What?! Not the same at all. He likes sex and he's had it three times this week. He should be happy.

Balloonhearts · 17/12/2023 13:58

Tell him you'd be a lot more interested if he pulled his fucking weight and that its very unattractive when your partner acts like another child.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 13:59

No he shouldn't, @hugohumbug . Unless you think that you set the rules about what should make people happy? Some people aren't happy unless they have sex twice a day every day, and that's their prerogative.

It's up to him to make sure he's happy, not OP. But that doesn't mean he's wrong to not be happy about something. There are no rights or wrongs. Even when you yourself have decided that something is right or wrong. You're not the final arbiter, here.

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 14:01

@Watchkeys but you are. Obviously.

I'm not sure why you're trying to start a disagreement here.

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 14:03

Would he should be grateful be better?

category12 · 17/12/2023 14:04

He can want what he wants, but he's no business bullying and bitching at the OP when their sex drives don't match up.

He'd do better being nice to her.

Sholkedabemus · 17/12/2023 14:04

My ex was like that, a complete sex pest! He totally put me off sex. He’s an ex because he’s a sex pest. You are not the unreasonable one.

Spencer0220 · 17/12/2023 14:04

Oh my goodness your husband is awful! I'd suggest his behaviour is bordering on coercion.

If you don't want sex, neither of you are having sex.

THAT'S a healthy relationship

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 14:32

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 14:01

@Watchkeys but you are. Obviously.

I'm not sure why you're trying to start a disagreement here.

It's because I disagree with you.

I'm not trying to be the final arbiter. I'm saying there isn't one. Everybody has the right to feel what they feel, and there are no 'shoulds', whether you think so or not. Those who love us will care about and respect how we feel, even if it doesn't fit with what we wish they felt.

You declaring that someone should be happy with something has precisely the same relevance as me declaring that someone should be happy with something: none. Which is why I'm not saying anybody should be happy with anything. None of us has the right to judge.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 14:34

hugohumbug · 17/12/2023 14:03

Would he should be grateful be better?

No. 'He should feel however he feels, and take responsibility for it' would be the wise option. And the same goes for any adult.

hellsBells246 · 17/12/2023 15:47

Outliers · 17/12/2023 11:08

Don't let the bitter women of mumsnet convince you that your husband is a demon for desiring to make love to his wife.

Does he need to manage his expectations urges? Certainly! And that can be achieved through effective communication. Remember men don't experience the hormonal and bodily changes that drive women to go off sex once they've had a child.

'the bitter women of Mumsnet'? So who are you? The OP's sex pest husband?

Op and her h have discussed this, not her h thinks that his desires are much more important than the OP's.

Your name is certainly appropriate!

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