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Relationships

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Original poster

How long do you wait for a guy

53 replies

Mugofgin · 16/12/2023 08:45

I meet a guy at a mutual friends party. We instantly clicked and have very similar backgrounds of being cheated on and having young children. Our mutual friends all think we would be good together.
we messaged a bit together and he seemed keen. However he has been seeing someone for the last few months. I messaged him to say I did really like him but we probably shouldn’t be messaging so much as long as he had a girlfriend. He said “fair enough point taken. Would be keen to catch up for a proper talk at some stage though”. I said “sounds good”. That was 3 weeks ago and there has been no contact between us. Should I message him? What should I say? Was I abit quick and harsh to say we shouldn’t be messaging while he had a girlfriend

OP posts:

Zara82 · 16/12/2023 08:47

Please have some.diginity and move on

DarkDuvet · 16/12/2023 08:48

You were right to say that. Don’t message him, and put the idea out of your head. He’s not free to have “chats” with you.

Whataretheodds · 16/12/2023 08:50

What are you on? Unless you want to be his bit on the side (not even clear he's offering that TbH) then forget him and move on.

It sounds as though you need to work on your view of healthy relationships and your self-esteem if you think it's worthy clinging on here for crumbs.

SamW98 · 16/12/2023 08:52

He’s got a girlfriend - don’t contact him.

FiveShelties · 16/12/2023 08:57

So you have both been cheated on and now you are thinking of contacting a guy with a girlfriend?

Nice

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 08:58

I have more self respect than that, I would move on

fpqand · 16/12/2023 08:59

He's not interested in you OP, there's no waiting needed here he has been clear, move on.

annaT2122 · 16/12/2023 09:00

He has you as backup in case it doesn't work with his current girlfriend. I don't think you'd be content with that?

Pluviophile1 · 16/12/2023 09:11

Why would there be further conversation following that exchange of messages? He's with someone else. Move on.

imaceleb2023 · 16/12/2023 09:14

to answer your question - 0.000002 seconds.

Thewondererhasreturned · 16/12/2023 09:15

You where right in saying we shouldn't be messaging this much as you have a gf, he agreed and has stopped messaging. This shows he doesn't want to leave his gf for you and is committed to her and rightly so you have both been cheated on stop trying to be the other woman and move on

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/12/2023 09:42

You know what it feels like to be cheated on and yet here you are asking for advice on how to pursue a man you know is in a relationship. Are you so desperate that you're prepared to put another woman through it?

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 10:02

You weren’t harsh but you may have jumped the gun. He is not married or having a long term relationship and his current one is only recent. Of course it is decent on his side that since then he hasn’t messaged you as it seems he wants to give it a go and message someone else only If it doesn’t work.
if you like him as a person you may want to meet him and bring him as a friend in your life. And then who knows. Maybe one day this blossoms into something more.
I would just keep in touch and message him sth like “hi, just wanted to say hello. Hope you are doing well and preparing to have a fab festive season. Let me know If you would like to catch up over a coffee”. And maybe you gain a new friend. And maybe he realises that his current short term relationship is not what he wants. Maybe not. In any case you keep in touch and at the same time continue dating and looking elsewhere. There is no harm.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 12:54

That's ridiculous advice above.

If you contact him now, you're basically playing games and despite telling him you shouldn't be messaging because he has a girlfriend, you would be instigating messaging him while he has a girlfriend.

If he hadn't been able to stop thinking about you, and his girlfriend of a few months hadn't been right for him, he'd have ended it and been back in touch already.

There's nothing to wait for here. Just get on with your life.

Every life long relationship started with someone being a boyfriend/girlfriend of a few months. Don't presume someone isn't interested in their girlfriend because they've only been together a short time. Take note of the fact he is happy to message other women whilst he is in a relationship though. Would you really want to be in that position?

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 12:56

Oh, I've just seen the username of the person who posted that advice. Definitely ignore it!

olympicsrock · 16/12/2023 12:59

There is nothing to wait for at the moment. He’s in a relationship. At some point in the future if you were both single you could date. May never happen.

SkaneTos · 16/12/2023 13:05

I agree with @MrTiddlesTheCat

Guavafish1 · 16/12/2023 13:16

Date others

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 14:21

@GreyCarpet ….the morals police…
for God’s shake not everything is black and white.
Not saying to come into him but keep an eye. You mever know, he may split at some point.
Doh! You are too black and white and judgemental.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 16/12/2023 14:26

I think date others or just distract yourself. If you're meant to be he may come back when he's not in a relationship. You did the right thing sending that message and I certainly don't judge your morals as you didn't cheat but be wary if messages you again if he's not single

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 14:33

Why would you even consider waiting?

He’s some man you met briefly, who has a girlfriend. It doesn’t matter that your friends think you’d be great together. You don’t know him.

Just get on with your life.

There is no need to have ‘a proper talk’ with him at any point. There’s nothing to talk about.

graciasinmorzine · 16/12/2023 14:36

You wise up a bit and realise he’s keeping you on the back burner for when the new relationship runs its course

honestly, have a bit of bloody dignity

do you want a man in your life who who preps the next branch to swing to? How can you be ok with that?

You’re acting like a beg, and he knows it- so block and move on.

graciasinmorzine · 16/12/2023 14:37

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 14:21

And why would you want a man like that

nothing to do with being the moral police, just not bloody desperate 😂

have enough cool hobbies and friends- I wouldn’t need some uncommitted loser that I met at a party for 2 hours to add the roster

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 14:46

Also it’s really worth thinking hard about the logic you’ve employed with: we have ‘very similar backgrounds of being cheated on and having young children’.

Honestly, discussing how your ex cheated on you with strangers at a party is a bit odd. Even more so when that’s what you view as the basis of your compatibility.

Usually people would say things like ‘we have similar backgrounds: we both grew up in the north west/went to Hull university/spent our teenage years in swimming pools doing competitive swimming’.

Having been cheated on is not a great thing to base a relationship around.

TheCadoganArms · 16/12/2023 14:47

Sounds like you are an insurance policy for this guy.

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