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Original poster

How long do you wait for a guy

53 replies

Mugofgin · 16/12/2023 08:45

I meet a guy at a mutual friends party. We instantly clicked and have very similar backgrounds of being cheated on and having young children. Our mutual friends all think we would be good together.
we messaged a bit together and he seemed keen. However he has been seeing someone for the last few months. I messaged him to say I did really like him but we probably shouldn’t be messaging so much as long as he had a girlfriend. He said “fair enough point taken. Would be keen to catch up for a proper talk at some stage though”. I said “sounds good”. That was 3 weeks ago and there has been no contact between us. Should I message him? What should I say? Was I abit quick and harsh to say we shouldn’t be messaging while he had a girlfriend

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 16/12/2023 14:49

"I messaged him to say I did really like him but we probably shouldn’t be messaging so much as long as he had a girlfriend. He said “fair enough point taken. Would be keen to catch up for a proper talk at some stage though”. I said “sounds good”. That was 3 weeks ago and there has been no contact between us."

That's because what you wrote is a classic way of saying thanks but no thanks (due to him having a girlfriend). He agrees and has done the courteous thing by replying with "word salad" platitudes instead of ignoring/ghosting you. Basically, he agrees with what you've said.

"Should I message him?"

No.

It's a shame things didn't pan out how you wanted but that's how life and love goes so let it go and move on.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 14:58

'We'll talk again soon'. Umm what? 'No we won't you disrespectful cunt'

Why on earth would you want to stay in touch with anyone who messages girls behind his girfriends back. He's messaging more than you btw. FYI.

Look I always say if you like someone in a relationship then don't despair as in a few years you may find they are single again.

But you don't WAIT. You go do your thing.

You certainly don't message them whilst they have a girlfriend!

Respect yourself. Block his number. Don't go back when this one is single either. He's a pig.

2chocolateoranges · 16/12/2023 15:00

He’s in a relationship. Steer clear. block and go no contact.

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:06

Hmm, what If he has split?

A while back there was a man interested in me, who I found quite cute and interesting. I didn’t do anything back then because I was married. Fast forward my husband cheated on me, I am leaving him and now I wish I met that man. But I am afraid and don’t know how to reach out. What If he has a relationship etc. I wish he sent me a message.

What I m saying is that there is no harm for the OP to send a friendly message. If he is in a relationship he will most probably politely avoid her so everyone can move on with their lives. People change, lives change, circumstances change. Sometimes MN users behave as if they are the morals police and everything is black or white.

OP, just send a message. Worst case scenario he is still in a relationship and rejects you, which is the honorable thing to do on his side. Then you move on. At least you know.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 15:29

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:06

Hmm, what If he has split?

A while back there was a man interested in me, who I found quite cute and interesting. I didn’t do anything back then because I was married. Fast forward my husband cheated on me, I am leaving him and now I wish I met that man. But I am afraid and don’t know how to reach out. What If he has a relationship etc. I wish he sent me a message.

What I m saying is that there is no harm for the OP to send a friendly message. If he is in a relationship he will most probably politely avoid her so everyone can move on with their lives. People change, lives change, circumstances change. Sometimes MN users behave as if they are the morals police and everything is black or white.

OP, just send a message. Worst case scenario he is still in a relationship and rejects you, which is the honorable thing to do on his side. Then you move on. At least you know.

Thats not worse case scenario. Worst case scenario is he strings op along, taking to her like he has been doing behind his girlfriends back! Perhaps even ultimately lying to op that he is single as he knows she us interested.

'He will most likely politely avoid her' well - he hasn't. Because he's a douchebag.

Your scenario is nothing like ops. Op is skirting affair territory. Its not the same as a couple of check in messages.

Most people have social media these days. If I like someone in a relationship, I leave it and go do other things, if I'm single later down the line I do a quick Facebook snoop. If they are single maybe I drop them a message. If I don't know, I leave them alone.

IF I'm utterly smitten maybe I message them for a quick chat to dig some details. Probably a bad idea but hey-ho. But if they still have a gf, I back the fuck off. Because it's not ok to be chatting to a guy I'm into or vice versa if he's in a relationship.

Because he's not your friend, he's someone you fancy. It's not ok to be messaging him if he has a girlfriend. It's pretty messed up infact.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 15:33

Rania78

Your advi e on these threads is always dubious. I have read a lot of your advice on these threads and one where you detailed your own history.

I went from thinking, "what an idiot" to understanding your perspective. That doesn't mean you are giving good advice though.

OP, just send a message. Worst case scenario he is still in a relationship and rejects you, which is the honorable thing to do on his side.

No, the worst thing that could happen would he that he lies to the OP, leads her to believe that he is single and cheats on his girlfriend with her, whilst lying to them both and not allowing either of them to make informed decisions about their own lives and demeaning herself in the process.

And before she knows it, the OP's self esteem is on the floor and she has wasted her best years on a man who she already knows has no integrity before it started.

The absolute best case scenario is that he leaves his girlfriend to be with her and maybe she is the perfect woman for him but, most likely, she would spend the duration of their relationship uncertain and mistrustful wondering who else he is messaging behind her back.

The best thing she could do is to move on, date, meet single men and maybe meet someone who is right for her.

As a pp said, that's not about being the moral police, its about self preservation and having bit of self respect. This isn't the only man on the planet and no woman has to chase every bloke they take a fancy to.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 15:37

Hmm, what If he has split?

Given that he was bold enough to message the OP when he had a girlfriend, I'd imagine he'd have had no problem getting in touch if he were now single and interested.

Chasing him to find out smacks of low self esteem and desperation. Traits that make women in the OP's shoes very vulnerable.

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:39

Well, his behaviour hasn’t shown he is someone who would message If he had a girlfriend. And there is no harm for the OP to find out. And I don’t think the OP is so stupid that will succumb to someone who wants to double time her. And how on earth did you draw the conclusion he is that kind of guy? He backed off as soon as OP pointed out he has a girlfriend and hasn’t texted for 3 weeks. He doesn’t seem like a douchebag to me.

sonjadog · 16/12/2023 15:42

If he had a girlfriend three weeks ago, chances are he still has one now. Don't wait for him at all. Get on with your live and meet other men. If you have mutual friends, the chances are that you will meet again in the future anyway, and at that point he may be single again, or you might have met someone else you like better in the meantime. Don't push it, just take it as it comes.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 16/12/2023 15:43

I've been the waiter. In my experience it has always just led to a situationship or heartache and I'm done with it now. I wouldn't recommend it.

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 15:43

You leave him alone and don't message again. He knows your feelings and IF he ends things with his current partner and gets in touch then you can decide if
You want to pursue things. However you do not make any moves at this stage whatsoever.
You do not want a relationship to start this way.
Both single or nothing.

chickendinnerroasted · 16/12/2023 15:45

You ask how long you should wait? What are you waiting for? For him to break up with his girlfriend? You sound like you had a connection when you met so it's very unlikely you are looking for a platonic friend.

Leave him be and move on.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 15:45

Given that this is a man who ‘bonded’ with some woman he had just met at a party by sharing his terrible tale of being cheated on by his ex and then decided to message that woman afterwards - even though he has a girlfriend… the red flags are a-waving.

Even more so when his response to her saying she didn’t want to message if he’s in a relationship with nonsense about needing to have a ‘proper talk’ soon.

Even if his ex did cheat on him, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t also cheating on her. My STBXH divorced his first wife for adultery. She left him for the OP. I only found out years later that I’d been told the version of the story where he was cheating on her anyway - he just never got caught. He was, of courses, delighted that he could then divorce her for adultery and play the wronged man. 🙄 He neglected to mention that key detail because obviously I’d have run a mile. I should have

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 15:48

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:39

Well, his behaviour hasn’t shown he is someone who would message If he had a girlfriend. And there is no harm for the OP to find out. And I don’t think the OP is so stupid that will succumb to someone who wants to double time her. And how on earth did you draw the conclusion he is that kind of guy? He backed off as soon as OP pointed out he has a girlfriend and hasn’t texted for 3 weeks. He doesn’t seem like a douchebag to me.

Edited

His behaviour has shown he is the sort of man who would do exactly because it's exactly what he did!

He backed off because he hit the bars of her shark cage and decided she wasn't going to he easy prey not because he's a decent man. He decided she'd be too much effort.

If she hadn't said that, they'd still be messaging now amd he'd be spinning her all kinds of shit to get iher into bed. Because that's what men who behave like that do.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 15:48

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:39

Well, his behaviour hasn’t shown he is someone who would message If he had a girlfriend. And there is no harm for the OP to find out. And I don’t think the OP is so stupid that will succumb to someone who wants to double time her. And how on earth did you draw the conclusion he is that kind of guy? He backed off as soon as OP pointed out he has a girlfriend and hasn’t texted for 3 weeks. He doesn’t seem like a douchebag to me.

Edited

He has been in a relationship for months. He met the OP recently and started messaging her.

He has shown that he is someone who will message other women despite having a girlfriend.

The OP was the one who drew a line under being the text-based bit on the side 3 weeks ago.

You should raise your standards if you can’t smell the rat here.

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:50

@GreyCarpet you have serious issues with hating men. Honestly, there are douchebags, in the same way there are horrible women but there are also still good people out there. You really slate all men in your posts.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 15:52

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:39

Well, his behaviour hasn’t shown he is someone who would message If he had a girlfriend. And there is no harm for the OP to find out. And I don’t think the OP is so stupid that will succumb to someone who wants to double time her. And how on earth did you draw the conclusion he is that kind of guy? He backed off as soon as OP pointed out he has a girlfriend and hasn’t texted for 3 weeks. He doesn’t seem like a douchebag to me.

Edited

Are you even reading the same post as us?

  • Literally HAS been messaging behind his girlfriends back. To the point where op even confesses she likes him. *Op has to be the one to call him out on it being inappropriate because he has a gf.
  • To which he replies 'let's talk again soon!'

Would you want to date a guy like this, who was doing this shit behind your back?

It's a fucking low bar. Come on now.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 15:54

Rania78 · 16/12/2023 15:50

@GreyCarpet you have serious issues with hating men. Honestly, there are douchebags, in the same way there are horrible women but there are also still good people out there. You really slate all men in your posts.

Edited

I don't have a problem with men at all.

I have a problem with men who message other women behind their girlfriend's back and I have a problem with men who treat women as commodities and disrespectfully.

I am baffled by women who don't have a problem with this.

You're absolutely right that there are 'douchebags' and that there are also decent men out there. But the decent ones generally aren't found messaging other women behind their girlfriend's back 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 15:55

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 15:52

Are you even reading the same post as us?

  • Literally HAS been messaging behind his girlfriends back. To the point where op even confesses she likes him. *Op has to be the one to call him out on it being inappropriate because he has a gf.
  • To which he replies 'let's talk again soon!'

Would you want to date a guy like this, who was doing this shit behind your back?

It's a fucking low bar. Come on now.

Show quote history

Erm huh are you reading the same post, where does she say inappropriate texting. They didn't text long, he obviously told her he had a gf. His response to hers was correct. And who says the gf didn't know he was texting this woman hmmmm not that it would matter if it was chatty text anyhow who texts who

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 15:57

In fact the more you read first post it's poster in the slight wrong knowing he had a gf yet still continuing to say she likes him then backing off with her let's slow down texting lol

ChateauDuMont · 16/12/2023 16:00

Find a man of your own and stop hanging around him like a bad smell.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2023 16:04

And who says the gf didn't know he was texting this woman hmmmm not that it would matter if it was chatty text anyhow who texts who

Do you know something?

In my 49 years on this planet, I've never once met a man socially with whom I had a connection who tried messaging me whose girlfriend/wife/partner knew about it. Or who was interested in being friends - even when they claimed that. Not without actually and unambiguously including their partner in it anyway.

It would be very naive to presume this man had gone home, told his newish girlfriend all about the OP and that she was fully on board with them messaging each other and confessing feelings and a connection.

The absurdity of the naivety on here astounds me sometimes.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 16:04

Oh absolutely op is just as bad if not worse. But he knows fine she is into him, all their mutual friends hinting at her would have been doing the same to him. That's not someone you engage with via text if you have a girlfriend.

If he gf knew he was messaging her I'm sure she'd feel upset by it. Assuming she's not dense to the rumours.

Benefit of the doubt to him that maybe he just has really poor boundaries. But even that's still not ideal in a partner.

But what op needs to focus on is her own moral standard. Because she can only change her own behaviours and choices, not his.

Original poster
Mugofgin · 17/12/2023 09:06

Thanks for your reply. Thanks for pointing that out, yes I do need to work on my own healing and it was nice to talk to someone who got it as been in same boat but the connection could just be a reaction to trauma and both having someone to talk to about it

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 11:55

You don't wait for a guy. Ever. Especially not an attached one. Move on