Page 3 | Divorce because of uncleanliness

Matthew54 · 2023-12-15T15:08:43+00:00

I’m 8 mos post partum, I work full time and breastfeed. I’m the breadwinner by a significant amount. And I think I want a divorce. My husband is what I can only describe as a pathological slob. It’s really hard to describe, but imagine if you didn’t throw out a single thing you used all day or put anything back in its place properly. That is my life. He had gardening leave for a month recently and did less than nothing when he promised to get the house in order. If anything, he made it worse. I can’t do this anymore. A cleaner also won’t help because he trashes the place instantly or I have to pre clean and pre organize the house before the cleaner arrives. he also has a dog that he does not care for appropriately, and this falls to me to arrange. he cooks and is good with our son, but I almost wish he didn’t. He creates such a state in the kitchen I end most nights sobbing with exhaustion trying to clean it all. I am going insane. I can’t do this anymore. Is it wrong or stupid for me to ask for a separation under these circumstances? He promises to get better but he won’t.

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 19:38

He just may not realise he's doing it. I bet you are always cleaning his mess, working harder than needs be to keep things going. Maybe stop for a while, for a week or so do not clean up a single thing he leaves behind. Clean your own shit, but absolutely none of his, let it build up and at some point he won't be able to help but notice. Then point out, it's all his, on his 'to do later' list. It might hammer the point home.
If that doesn't work, give fair warning " look, our relationship is in trouble, I'm losing respect for you and seriously considering splitting". Then he has a choice and can't be surprised by the outcome if he makes the wrong one.

JollyHollyxmas · 17/12/2023 19:41

Hi OP
I can relate to this. My husband does no cleaning or chores and doesn't even cook but he works very hard for our business, which I also work in but not as many hours a week as he does. Sometimes it really gets to me but then he is up at 6am most mornings to work and stops working around 10pm or so. His work brings in a decent income into the home and I have the flexibility to stop working and see the nativity play this week at my son's primary school, for example. We could afford a cleaner and I do pay for a deep clean once a year or so.
Instead of paying for a cleaner, however, I pay myself for the cleaning and housekeeping and buy what I need or want with no guilt or shame at all. It was a way of valuing myself for the contribution I make by doing all of this drudgery. If I couldn't have this outlet / go out with friends for dinner regularly, the situation wouldn't work for me.

startquitting · 17/12/2023 19:51

So if he takes out stuff from a cupboard without putting it back. Will he put it back later if you just leave it, or will it just stay there?

PrinnyPree · 17/12/2023 20:07

I'm usually quite LTB with these threads but considering your latest response on his other qualities, I would consider some form of mediation and couples counselling if you can, it may be the kick up the arse he needs if he thinks you're taking the steps most couples take before seperation.

Also I would be pretty much talking to him in ultimatums now, he needs to get medicated or do CBT and get a bloody diary (perhaps his phone with reminders) or a wall chart for himself or something to get his arse in gear. I would also say "if you're cooking you have to bloody clean up as you go" as it is no good if you're having a mental breakdown yourself OP after.

I also would get a cleaner though too if you can afford one, but make it clear it is not an excuse to destroy the house with his mess. Xx Good luck OP.

Callllly · 17/12/2023 20:08

Ask him for a break and let him know why and what your expectations are. If they don't change within the time you specify for the break then leave em.

Thighdentitycrisis · 17/12/2023 20:08

My DP has all these traits and I could never live with him.

Divorce if you want, make a separation agreement or ask him to try meditation and strategies. You have all those options, if you decide to stay together I would be doing that in the knowledge that he will probably never be as clean and tidy as you

Tereo · 17/12/2023 20:19

Just read to your message when you explain why you love him... You love him and your marriage is worth fighting for ..

Can you do up a rota... It's annoying you have to delegate but he is blind to the mess (I'm a bit blind to certain kinds of mess or clutter so I can relate) Can you write the tasks down each day and each week and split them?

Can you go to marriage counselling to discuss this issue so he really gets the impact this has on you... He has to take improving this really seriously (apparently 50% issues in cousilling are about housework actually.)
Good luck!

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 20:23

Delphinous78 · 17/12/2023 19:37

Im so sorry, OP. I can feel your exhaustion. Would trying the ADHD medication and seeing if anything changes be a short term plan? If he won't improve at this point then you might have your answer.

I have a similar situation but I have two children. My husband spilled half a bottle of wine on my favourite rug and didn't want to clean it up so moved the toy box over it. He managed to hide it for two weeks before I moved it to hoover. It had set by then. I've also watched my husband hide dirty clothes in our daughter's Barbie campervan and throw empty crisp packets under our sofa. He also claims ADHD and executive disfunction. I earn far less so I'm stuck.

His mother has apologised to me for not making him do more when he was younger and I haven't had an unbroken night's sleep since I started breastfeeding in 2018 and I'm so exhausted. I'm not always sure I'm attracted to him. To make things work he has invited his family to ours for Christmas and will not lift a finger to prepare the house.

This is so awful. What an awful, awful man. His treatment of you is cruel.

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 20:24

ADHD doesn’t stop someone putting things back into a cupboard. Things they can see. It might be why they randomly took it all out on the first place, but nothing but sheer disrespect and laziness is why it stays out.

Nicole1111 · 17/12/2023 20:33

Can you ask him to find an Airbnb to rent for a couple of weeks in the new year and tell him
you are considering your options and need to see what living without him and the chaos that he brings to your home is like. With any luck a couple of weeks to have to take responsibility for everything and to think about what he’s at risk of losing will put his rocket up his ass so you can tell him to come back for a trial.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 17/12/2023 20:47

My DH is a lazy slob.
LTB!!
No he’s a great dad and we’re magic together.

Whats the point of the thread OP?

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 17/12/2023 21:10

Lentilweaver · 15/12/2023 16:03

Oh , I was waiting for someone to say ADHD and he seems to have said it himself. Of course.

Leave. He appears to bring absolutely nothing to the table.

Why? Are you mocking a diagnosis of ADHD? OP has not yet confirmed or denied a diagnosis yet.
Total inability to be organised or clean up is absolutely a trait of ADHD. Or are you a trained clinical psychiatrist who knows better?

WorriedAllTheTime84 · 17/12/2023 21:10

He does sound extremely annoying at best and disrespectful at worst and I hear your frustration. Do you find you are more annoyed now than pre baby, it is he worse now? Only asking because around that time after having our babies, I found myself enraged by lots of things by my husband and eventually this eased again. I'm not saying it's purely because you've just had a baby, he should be better, but it does heighten everything. I know he's said he'll change, but does her realise the true extent of your feelings? Could you set aside some time each day where you both do chores? Again, not excusing him, but I do think some men (my husband included) just don't get it x

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 21:12

If you work beware he doesn't try to claim he is dd's main carer and apply for cms or spousal maintenance..

cestlavielife · 17/12/2023 21:33

Get a cleaner you do not need to tidy up first just tell them that is the job

Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 21:49

I'd say you are doing very well without him already, he sounds pretty non-existent. So him leaving will both do you good and keep the house clean.

SoInLuv · 17/12/2023 23:23

@baileybrosbuildingandloan OP did already confirm diagnosis in one of her earlier posts.

She said "in his defense he does have the diagnosis". She then added his ADHD isn't medicated.

Original poster

Matthew54 · 18/12/2023 08:37

Hi everyone,

Thank you for letting me vent and providing some helpful advice. We had a long chat last night about what’s been going on and our feelings on both sides. We’ve made an action plan in which we’re going to pursue marriage counseling through our faith community, hire a cleaner in the new year, and start cutting each other a bit more slack.

In our talk, he raised some fair points that we are both shattered and fried. My son has medical needs that take a lot of time, he has started a new job with a long commute, and my career is very demanding. I handle this by rage cleaning and organizing. He handles it by cooking and making elaborate baby led weaning meals even if it destroys the kitchen.

I am obviously still furious about his lack of organization, but he’s signed up for therapy as of last night and we will be scheduling an appointment with a shrink when we have time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Matthew54 · 18/12/2023 08:41

WorriedAllTheTime84 · 17/12/2023 21:10

He does sound extremely annoying at best and disrespectful at worst and I hear your frustration. Do you find you are more annoyed now than pre baby, it is he worse now? Only asking because around that time after having our babies, I found myself enraged by lots of things by my husband and eventually this eased again. I'm not saying it's purely because you've just had a baby, he should be better, but it does heighten everything. I know he's said he'll change, but does her realise the true extent of your feelings? Could you set aside some time each day where you both do chores? Again, not excusing him, but I do think some men (my husband included) just don't get it x

This really resonated with me more than I’d like to admit. Honestly, since having my son I feel like I either hate everyone or everything they do annoys me. It all just feels “heightened”.

OP posts:

LGBirmingham · 18/12/2023 08:47

Hi OP, it's probably easy for me to say as myself and husband are both naturally untidy. TBH the more I read threads on here I start to wonder if I have ADHD as I'm like this and so is my mum. But it sounds like you care for one another a lot, and that he really cares a lot for you and isn't being messy on purpose. You have a very young baby still and I think it's normal for your house to be chaos at this stage? We're only just clawing ours back to sanity and our baby is now 3. You're back at work when baby is young and that will be hard because they probably aren't sleeping solidly for you to get enough yourself. It doesn't sound worth breaking up over to me. Can you just let it be messier, rather than clean up after him?

I'm unclear as to whether your husband is looking after LO full time or just in the evenings whilst you work late. But I do know that if a woman posted who was a stay at home parent or was doing a day of paid work and then all the unpaid work required with looking after a baby in the evening and said her husband was threatening leaving because the house was a mess everyone would be siding with her. It's very hard it is to stay on top of everything with a baby that age, pretty much everyone I know with young children has a messy house.

Original poster

Matthew54 · 18/12/2023 09:13

LGBirmingham · 18/12/2023 08:47

Hi OP, it's probably easy for me to say as myself and husband are both naturally untidy. TBH the more I read threads on here I start to wonder if I have ADHD as I'm like this and so is my mum. But it sounds like you care for one another a lot, and that he really cares a lot for you and isn't being messy on purpose. You have a very young baby still and I think it's normal for your house to be chaos at this stage? We're only just clawing ours back to sanity and our baby is now 3. You're back at work when baby is young and that will be hard because they probably aren't sleeping solidly for you to get enough yourself. It doesn't sound worth breaking up over to me. Can you just let it be messier, rather than clean up after him?

I'm unclear as to whether your husband is looking after LO full time or just in the evenings whilst you work late. But I do know that if a woman posted who was a stay at home parent or was doing a day of paid work and then all the unpaid work required with looking after a baby in the evening and said her husband was threatening leaving because the house was a mess everyone would be siding with her. It's very hard it is to stay on top of everything with a baby that age, pretty much everyone I know with young children has a messy house.

I 100% agree with this take and that if the genders were reversed there would be a different response.

He is now working full time and my son is in nursery, so he’s not a stay at home dad at the moment.

OP posts:

Cupcakes77 · 18/12/2023 09:16

Matthew54 · 18/12/2023 08:37

Hi everyone,

Thank you for letting me vent and providing some helpful advice. We had a long chat last night about what’s been going on and our feelings on both sides. We’ve made an action plan in which we’re going to pursue marriage counseling through our faith community, hire a cleaner in the new year, and start cutting each other a bit more slack.

In our talk, he raised some fair points that we are both shattered and fried. My son has medical needs that take a lot of time, he has started a new job with a long commute, and my career is very demanding. I handle this by rage cleaning and organizing. He handles it by cooking and making elaborate baby led weaning meals even if it destroys the kitchen.

I am obviously still furious about his lack of organization, but he’s signed up for therapy as of last night and we will be scheduling an appointment with a shrink when we have time.

It is great that he agreed to sign up to counselling shows he is not choosing the easy way out and wants to work on things. Hope it all works out for you in the end.

LGBirmingham · 18/12/2023 09:25

Matthew54 · 18/12/2023 09:13

I 100% agree with this take and that if the genders were reversed there would be a different response.

He is now working full time and my son is in nursery, so he’s not a stay at home dad at the moment.

Show quote history

I think having a baby is like a bomb going off in your house and marriage. I sometimes feel the way you describe about my husband. I often feel like I try much harder to keep the house together than he does. But actually he puts up with a lot of my messiness too, we just make it in different ways/places. I'm also chaotic in terms of arrangements and constantly forgetting important things like keys, phones etc... and I know that annoys him.

I think as baby gets slowly older you find your groove as a family unit and your new normal and the ways in which you can be tidier and more ordered. I think your life will just be chaotic with a LO until they've stopped napping to be honest and you're no longer juggling an ever changing routine of an incredibly demanding tiny person. The chaos in your general existence makes the mess in the house feel worse.

It's great that you're going to get some counselling together op and I'm sure it will all come good.