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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce because of uncleanliness

73 replies

Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:08

I’m 8 mos post partum, I work full time and breastfeed. I’m the breadwinner by a significant amount. And I think I want a divorce.

My husband is what I can only describe as a pathological slob. It’s really hard to describe, but imagine if you didn’t throw out a single thing you used all day or put anything back in its place properly. That is my life.

He had gardening leave for a month recently and did less than nothing when he promised to get the house in order. If anything, he made it worse. I can’t do this anymore. A cleaner also won’t help because he trashes the place instantly or I have to pre clean and pre organize the house before the cleaner arrives.

he also has a dog that he does not care for appropriately, and this falls to me to arrange.

he cooks and is good with our son, but I almost wish he didn’t. He creates such a state in the kitchen I end most nights sobbing with exhaustion trying to clean it all.

I am going insane. I can’t do this anymore. Is it wrong or stupid for me to ask for a separation under these circumstances? He promises to get better but he won’t.

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 15/12/2023 16:16

Show him that article that the PP gave you.
ADHD is just an excuse to hide behind. He has a job, he manages to do the things required of him in his job. So he can manage to do the things required of him in a home.
So if he doesn't notice the pantry or the floor or whatever ... he sets himself a reminder on his phone to check the floor for clothes or the laundry basket or whatnot. It's all manageable but he doesn't wish to manage it.
So show him that article and explain what the problem is. You are being his mother and his cleaner and his housekeeper and you will stop being his wife and partner. And one day you'll walk out the door because you didn't want to be in a housekeeper relationship with someone.
So he can either shape up and find ways to manage this (Google it ffs) or he can not be surprised that one day you'll walk out the door. Maybe not today but one day.

Spottywombat · 15/12/2023 16:18

The nhs is a bit of a lottery when it comes to treatment.

It's very likely his mum has it, btw, large genetic component.

However, there is a lot he can do. I joined a support/education adhd group & the women focused on fixing themselves, the man had basically outsourced his executive control to his wife.

Don't enable him. The problem is you will crack before he does re cleaning.

There are only a few ways to get him doing mundane chores. Make it an emergency, make it time critical or stand by him as he does it, called body doubling.

I suspect you don't have enough time or energy for this. Seriously, chuck him out.

Bananalanacake · 15/12/2023 16:22

When you say breadwinner by a significant amount does he actually work and pay towards bills, food.

Sunandnomoon · 15/12/2023 16:23

He’ll never change. ADHD, what his mother was like, what his father was like, jobs, children etc etc. it’s all irrelevant.

This is who he is. I repeat. He’ll never change.

Please don’t spend the rest of your life in a relationship with someone who treats you like a servant.

That’s a good newspaper article a PP shared. Showing him the article will not change him. I remember a poster on here called Debbie who told her husband to shout out ‘fuck you Debbie’ every time he left his socks on the floor. It didn’t stop him doing it.

Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 16:39

Alright, now that I’ve vomited my guts to strangers I can explain why I love him.

He is unconditionally supportive of my career goals and loves our baby. He has moved across the country and across the ocean for my jobs before. He’s become such a hands on, involved dad and it’s beautiful to see. I love our natural chemistry and how he makes me laugh. I like that he’s more adventurous than me and is always coming up with fun ideas.

I just remain deeply disappointed he can’t figure out how to clean up after himself.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 15/12/2023 16:40

The chaos is a real issue and I would not in anyway minimise it. Before you do anything else I would make sure that you have been clear this his behaviour is unacceptable and needs changing. If finances allow and the marriage works elsewhere get a cleaner.

Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 16:40

Hi,

I make 5x as much as he does. We moved to a nicer area for the baby, so his money does matter. Him caring for the baby so well (and me trusting him with buddy) mean that I can stay late at work and continue to advance my career. The intangible but valuable contributions are there.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2023 17:05

You could get a static caravan and plop it in your driveway. If he cooks or whatever, he has to do it in his own caravan. And treat your house as he would anywhere he is just visiting.

That way you live seperate, each have your own spaces, but he is nearby for the kid and you can stay together if you want.

Plus it would be a smaller space for him to take care of, so less daunting. Less likely for adhd overwhelm when it comes to cleaning.

KissTheRains · 15/12/2023 17:07

Op... You could always get a cleaner..

But I'd be pushing him to sort it out.eds, strategies, whatever it takes.

A loving partner should not be making you feel this way.

FlyingCherub · 15/12/2023 17:28

Your home is supposed to be your safe space and your sanctuary. Sharing it with someone who doesn't respect it is like a slow running form of torture, and you don't have to do it.

Not living together doesn't mean your relationship has to end.

Aishah231 · 15/12/2023 17:36

Sorry OP but I bet he's so supportive of your career because it means he gets an easy ride. Sounds very selfish and lazy to me!

squirrelnutkin10 · 15/12/2023 17:45

This is what l would do, if you can afford it, buy a house with a self contained annex He can live independently in the annex which will probably give him a better standard of living than if you divorce, and you have childcare/ kids father on tap....

I could not live with someone like that so l feel your pain..

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/12/2023 17:45

So you love him, but you can't live like this (I wouldn't want to either). How much of a high earner are you? Would you be able to support, for instance, two neighbouring flats instead of one house? Perhaps a family sized one for you and the baby and a smaller one for him. Would he go for that over a divorce? Would you be happy for him to have access to your flat for visits to you and to care for your DC so long as he doesn't bring stuff with him? Would he even be able to do that and not move back in with you by stealth by bringing stuff over and forgetting it, or coming just for a shower because his isn't working, or leaving his laundry for you because he can't be arsed?

Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 17:59

Thanks everyone. We have a garage and I think an initial step will involve turning that into “his” space so there’s less clutter

i know he loves me. He supported me through my degree when I was a penniless student, he supported me when I experienced a violent crime and was non functional for 6 months. We’re just so incompatible on this one front that it’s toxicity to our relationship.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 15/12/2023 18:03

It's not an ideal idea....but could you afford to remain as a couple but live apart?

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 15/12/2023 18:05

KissTheRains · 15/12/2023 15:43

There was a blog or article something like,
"She left because of a plate by the sink"

I can't remember exactly. I'll try to find it and post it if I can.

I'd leave him, or at least, I'd ask he leave.
I couldn't tolerate it at all. I'm not house proud by any stretch but the sheer laziness you describe is beyond the pale.

Put it this way:
Everything he leaves something for you to do, he's saying,
"bollocks to Matthew54, her time isn't as important as mine."

When he leaves the kitchen a state,
"Bollocks to Matthew54, her time isn't as important as mine"

Now look around the house and see how many times he's told you bollocks today...
Pair of socks on the floor? Dog needing feeding? Plates left in kitchen? Hoovering needs doing?

Then imagine him actually saying "bollocks to you" to your face...
You wouldn't tolerate that i'm sure, but in a way, you kind of already are..

This explains it so perfectly.

Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore · 15/12/2023 18:32

ADHD is like a superpower. Your husband will do somethings way better than other people, but tidying up won’t be one of them. I have ADHD and my house is upside down at the moment! I have spent the last two days painting my fire surround, and gilding it carefully with gold paint. It looks lovely! My husband is a saint. It’s swings and roundabout OP.

The only thing to say, whatever he is looking for in the cupboard will be very important to him and he genuinely will not see the chaos left behind.

Many people are dismissing his ADHD disability. It is a very difficult condition for people who have it, and their loved ones.

Lemsipper · 15/12/2023 21:31

He claims that it’s his unmedicated ADHD and he just forgets

That’s such BS, yes his condition might make it come less natural to him but if someone told him he would get £1,000,000 for every day he tidied…..he’d be cleaning everyday would he!! It’s just not his priority. I’m sorry but he’s a waste of space. As are all man-babies. Send him back to his mother.

Fletchl4 · 17/12/2023 19:12

I was with a man exactly like this and had a child with him. He was disgusting, he would knock over a fizzy drink and instead of cleaning it up he would leave it there. Everything was such a mess and he has other issues like general disorganisation and bad with money poor time management and couldn't follow simple instructions ect. He had a hard time accepting people in positions of authority (like workplace) telling him how to do his job. Anyway, with all that said, it sounds like your husband has ADHD. Try focus on the good things about him and see if he will go for a diagnosis and try to get help. Even an ADHD room box for all the things he can't put away (basically a box to throw everything into that he can't put away). It would be a hard thing to change but if you love him I guess you will give him the tools he needs to help himself.. it's no fun when you are parenting a very young child. Been there done that. My role went from gf to mother and then I lost interest in him when I felt the need to mother him so I guess it could be the same for you. I don't know but definitely he needs an ADHD assessment probably. It doesn't always present as hyperactivity, it can be the inability to focus or become overly engrossed in things ect. Try body doubling so when you want him to do something, you try go do it walking side him. That can also help. Best of luck.

bonzaitree · 17/12/2023 19:18

I think the root of the issue is him seeking treatment for his ADHD.

Personally I’d start with insisting he gets therapy and explores medication options.

If he doesn’t want to do that then you could try staying married and a couple but with separate spaces like others have suggested.

startquitting · 17/12/2023 19:21

Send him a link to this. Because you’ve explained it very well including why you love him.

Lavenderblue11 · 17/12/2023 19:25

Lentilweaver · 15/12/2023 16:06

How is it that literally every lazy man claims to have ADHD?

Because it's become the most convenient excuse for anything and everything. A 21st century phenomenon that gets people out of accountability en masse.

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 19:31

He could look like Jason Momoa, cook like Michel Roux Jr and have the heart of Tom Hanks, I wouldn’t give a fuck, I couldn’t live like that.

DenyDenyLieTillYouDie · 17/12/2023 19:32

I totally get you OP. The man I love, and live with, and had three children with, and a generally happy life with, is a slob. He's lazy around the house, it's not a priority to him, he doesn't see mess or jobs that need doing. He 'prioritises' things he likes and are easy and important to him (like moving money around, or looking at a new car or a new TV) and seems to think that makes us even.

I think its not impossible to find a solution that works for you, but it might be quite hard or quite unconventional. You need to pull together as a team to reach a state you are both content with and that works best for your DC. If that means a living space of your own, so be it.

You absolutely should focus on your own career and mental health - you should not be crying about housework. I know that because I have done (and occasionally still do). It can't carry on as it is but I really hope you can find a solution.

Delphinous78 · 17/12/2023 19:37

Im so sorry, OP. I can feel your exhaustion. Would trying the ADHD medication and seeing if anything changes be a short term plan? If he won't improve at this point then you might have your answer.

I have a similar situation but I have two children. My husband spilled half a bottle of wine on my favourite rug and didn't want to clean it up so moved the toy box over it. He managed to hide it for two weeks before I moved it to hoover. It had set by then. I've also watched my husband hide dirty clothes in our daughter's Barbie campervan and throw empty crisp packets under our sofa. He also claims ADHD and executive disfunction. I earn far less so I'm stuck.

His mother has apologised to me for not making him do more when he was younger and I haven't had an unbroken night's sleep since I started breastfeeding in 2018 and I'm so exhausted. I'm not always sure I'm attracted to him. To make things work he has invited his family to ours for Christmas and will not lift a finger to prepare the house.