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Original poster

Divorce because of uncleanliness

73 replies

Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:08

I’m 8 mos post partum, I work full time and breastfeed. I’m the breadwinner by a significant amount. And I think I want a divorce.

My husband is what I can only describe as a pathological slob. It’s really hard to describe, but imagine if you didn’t throw out a single thing you used all day or put anything back in its place properly. That is my life.

He had gardening leave for a month recently and did less than nothing when he promised to get the house in order. If anything, he made it worse. I can’t do this anymore. A cleaner also won’t help because he trashes the place instantly or I have to pre clean and pre organize the house before the cleaner arrives.

he also has a dog that he does not care for appropriately, and this falls to me to arrange.

he cooks and is good with our son, but I almost wish he didn’t. He creates such a state in the kitchen I end most nights sobbing with exhaustion trying to clean it all.

I am going insane. I can’t do this anymore. Is it wrong or stupid for me to ask for a separation under these circumstances? He promises to get better but he won’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:31

Just as an example - if he needs something out of the pantry and it’s not immediately visible, he’ll take everything out and not put it back. He leaves his socks and clothes literally everywhere, he just cannot stop being a storm of destruction.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2023 15:33

You don’t need a reason to end it. I understand your frustration, and I’d say from my experience that they don’t change.

Lemsipper · 15/12/2023 15:38

There’s nothing more icky than a man-baby. A full grown man but he’s like a toddler. What is he even bringing to the table? Anything? If not, deffo seperate! It’s not going to get better, you shouldn’t have to beg for the bare minimum.

Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:41

He used to have it more together - or at least it seemed like it. I may have not realized how much I did pre-baby.

But “icky” is the exact description. I have no idea why he’s like this now.

OP posts:
KissTheRains · 15/12/2023 15:43

There was a blog or article something like,
"She left because of a plate by the sink"

I can't remember exactly. I'll try to find it and post it if I can.

I'd leave him, or at least, I'd ask he leave.
I couldn't tolerate it at all. I'm not house proud by any stretch but the sheer laziness you describe is beyond the pale.

Put it this way:
Everything he leaves something for you to do, he's saying,
"bollocks to Matthew54, her time isn't as important as mine."

When he leaves the kitchen a state,
"Bollocks to Matthew54, her time isn't as important as mine"

Now look around the house and see how many times he's told you bollocks today...
Pair of socks on the floor? Dog needing feeding? Plates left in kitchen? Hoovering needs doing?

Then imagine him actually saying "bollocks to you" to your face...
You wouldn't tolerate that i'm sure, but in a way, you kind of already are..

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2023 15:44

I'd be off.

Before your son starts taking after him and you have two people crearung chaos.

AlwaysFreezing · 15/12/2023 15:49

How unattractive, I'm not surprised op.

And, I'll bet you've asked him about it, so he knows its an issue for you and he just doesn't care. Which is hugely disrespectful.

Is it a case of deliberate incompetence do you think?

Comedycook · 15/12/2023 15:50

Yanbu...if you're the breadwinner and have a baby and he was on gardening leave, he should have been keeping the house immaculate. He sounds awful. Oh and he doesn't cook because he thinks it helpful, he does it because he enjoys it. If he didn't, you can bet your life, you'd be doing it too.

starlightcan · 15/12/2023 15:51

OP, I hate him. You have my permission. Leave.

Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:52

AlwaysFreezing · 15/12/2023 15:49

How unattractive, I'm not surprised op.

And, I'll bet you've asked him about it, so he knows its an issue for you and he just doesn't care. Which is hugely disrespectful.

Is it a case of deliberate incompetence do you think?

He claims that it’s his unmedicated ADHD and he just forgets. Honestly, I think it’s just sheer laziness. His mother stayed at home and did all the housework. As much as I love her, she’s terrible at it and he’s used to a level of filth that I am uncomfortable with.

I cackled the other day because he said that he’d like a fresh towel every time he showers. That’s so low priority given the state of the house I laughed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:55

Comedycook · 15/12/2023 15:50

Yanbu...if you're the breadwinner and have a baby and he was on gardening leave, he should have been keeping the house immaculate. He sounds awful. Oh and he doesn't cook because he thinks it helpful, he does it because he enjoys it. If he didn't, you can bet your life, you'd be doing it too.

At this point I almost want to take it over because I actually clean up after myself

OP posts:
Spottywombat · 15/12/2023 15:58

I have unmedicated adhd. My house is a mess but that was before I got dx. Now I know what the problem literally was, i manage better. Even taking meds, you need to put strategies in place...

But if I was you, I'd ditch him & get a cleaner.

Be easier to manage.

hsapposhit · 15/12/2023 16:01

Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 15:52

He claims that it’s his unmedicated ADHD and he just forgets. Honestly, I think it’s just sheer laziness. His mother stayed at home and did all the housework. As much as I love her, she’s terrible at it and he’s used to a level of filth that I am uncomfortable with.

I cackled the other day because he said that he’d like a fresh towel every time he showers. That’s so low priority given the state of the house I laughed.

Show quote history

Unmedicated ADHD. For goodness sake.
Does he have a diagnosis of ADHD? If he does and he's not coping - ie. the house is a tip because of it, why isn't he getting help, taking medication, getting strategies in place?

Am I understanding this correctly that he has got worse since the baby arrived?
Is he doing this deliberately? Some kind of way of getting attention from you because you're busy with the baby.

Honestly OP, I couldn't stand living in a mess because a grown adult man, ADHD or no ADHD, can't seem to do anything without causing chaos.

Do you want to be in a relationship with him anymore? Do you love him?
Could you live in separate houses, he works on his ADHD and if he can manage to get that under control and strategies in place he could move back in at a later date?
Or have you just had enough? In which case, YANBU to divorce because of uncleanliness. You can divorce for any reason you like.
It's not really about the uncleanliness as such, it's the fact he doesn't give a flying fuck about making sure you and the baby are happy in a lovely home.

Lentilweaver · 15/12/2023 16:03

Oh , I was waiting for someone to say ADHD and he seems to have said it himself. Of course.

Leave. He appears to bring absolutely nothing to the table.

Octavia64 · 15/12/2023 16:05

If he is actually diagnosed with ADHD medication will help but not cure it.

If you can't live with it leave.

EmmaEmerald · 15/12/2023 16:06

You can leave for any reason

But this a bloody good one, if you want an opinion. He's harming your health and your daily life.

Lentilweaver · 15/12/2023 16:06

How is it that literally every lazy man claims to have ADHD?

Eekmystro · 15/12/2023 16:08

YANBU I think things like this are the reason most people fall out of love with their partner. These everyday day things cause such great resentment and anger, especially when you have expressed your frustration and nothing has changed.

Yea separate. It’s harder managing with a useless partner than a co/parent/seperated partner.

Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 16:08

I’ve strongly considered the separate home idea. He gets a room share and can visit but he’s not allowed to cook or bring anything over.

I’m just so angry and frustrated. His bullshit means I have 0 space or time for myself. I am sick of “I’m trying.” I have no try left in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 16:09

Lentilweaver · 15/12/2023 16:06

How is it that literally every lazy man claims to have ADHD?

In his defense he does have a diagnosis. But he’s done nothing to have it treated through the NHS.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 15/12/2023 16:11

If he has a diagnosis meds will help.

It takes time to get stable on them.

Up to you whether you feel it is worth it.

Eekmystro · 15/12/2023 16:11

Matthew54 · 15/12/2023 16:09

In his defense he does have a diagnosis. But he’s done nothing to have it treated through the NHS.

Show quote history

Also although ADHD can mean things like keep a home tidy are harder, there are strategies that help manage. Sounds like he hasn’t changed anything at all.

Lentilweaver · 15/12/2023 16:12

Oh well, if he hasn't done anything to fix it, it shows how much he cares about you. Dumping his dog on you really makes me angry.

elm26 · 15/12/2023 16:15

I have ADHD and I don't take medication for it.

I am mum to a 7 month old and have a dog and my Husband works full time running our business and my house is clean and tidy.

It's no excuse, it can be a reason, but it shouldn't be an excuse and if it is, he needs to put a plan together and stick to it or he needs medication.

My Husband cooks most nights when he gets home because he knows I've worked just as hard as him looking after DD, the dog and laundry. He brings me dinner and then he cleans the kitchen. 4/5 nights a week he does this.

He puts his laundry in the laundry bin and doesn't leave it wherever because he's a fully grown man.

You have absolutely every right to leave, I couldn't and wouldn't live like this.

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