Intimacy in longer term relationships/ marriages-

[BigButtons]

Those of you who have been with your partner well past the honey moon phase I would really like to know what levels of non sexual intimacy you have in your relationships.
As couples do you hold hands, have random cuddles, kisses and hugs? I am not talking glued at the hip here- just naturally wanting to connect every now and again.
What does your partner do to make you feel appreciated and loved?
Do you snuggle on the sofa etc etc.
How have you managed to maintain connection with your partner?
My partner of 5 years reckons it is completely normal not to want to do that after a certain length of time and that most longer term couples don’t.
He might hold my hand whilst we walk, but that is about it. Our relationship is pretty well on the floor right now.

Whilst I appreciate that that might be ok for many people, I do wonder how many women would like more connection with their partners.
We do not live together and see each other about 4 nights a week.

5yrs in and you don’t live together I don’t think that’s at the stage where you’re having limited intimacy. It sounds like the relationship is over

@Zanatdy yeah

Been with dh for 13y and still kiss and cuddle a lot at home. Never in public though, we don't really hold hands while we walk... maybe that's just because I'd get embarrassed.

I don't think 5y is all that long, I don't agree with your partner about that

It's fine if you are both happy like that. However you are clearly not, so whether it's normal is really not relevant. Don't let him persuade you to accept less than you deserve by trying to make you think you are in the wrong for wanting it.

This.

And to answer your question, after 20+ years together, we still hold hands, kiss each other hello/goodbye, snuggle on the sofa etc etc.

We cuddle every night for at least an hour or two in bed. We hold hands everywhere we go.

With my ex we never went near each other.

It made me so sad. Now I feel happier and I’m pretty sure feeling physically close to someone you love is also good for your health.

Move on OP!

5 years is still early days, especially as you don't live together. If he is not affectionate now and has said he thinks this behaviour is normal then l doubt things will improve OP. If you were both OK with the situation then that's fine but you're clearly not. Time to end it l'd say.

Not in front of the kids, they think it's "grim".

Thanks
he used to be a lot more affectionate- passed the honey moon period too. He wanted to, now he doesn’t. We had a big argument about the whole relationship yesterday- too much wine was consumed so not good. We are going to have a sober conversation later today. He is clearly not happy and nor am I. However he is often in contact via text during the day and clearly wants to touch base.
i am not a clunky person and don’t generally like a lot of touch from people/ but from my partner yes. He knows all of this.
i just wanted to see what other people’s ‘ normal’ was. Maybe there is no normal- just what we are happy with.

I've been with DH 9 years, and we still have a lot of none sexual intimacy, but it does take a lot of work.

I read a quote once about how people thinking the grass is greener on the other side, where as in actual fact the grass is always greenest where you water it, and feed it.

It takes a lot of effort from both parties to sustain a healthy relationship, but the benefits of true mature love are more than worth it.

What helped me in my TLR was discovering the podcast Rikki & Jimmy on relationships. It was such a massive eyeopener for us as a couple, as we realised our parents didn't model healthy relationships, so we both were actually really bad at knowing what was healthy or not, and we were bad at communicating our needs. You'll each have different needs regarding intimacy, and that's OK, it's about compromising together and finding a level that suits you both - Him saying "it's normal" is a bit of a dismissive statement, how would he know what's normal in everyone else's relationships? You're actively telling him you need more, and as someone who loves you he should respect that, even if he doesn't agree.

There's no need to jump into "end it" territory. You both just need an honest conversation about your needs within the relationship, and whether you can both meet each others needs.

Best of luck OP xxx

Thanks @ReginaPhalange1989 i have been saying all of this to him. He is so avoidant. I have expressed my needs for the odd hug and cuddle and he always says he will do it- but doesn’t.
it’s a big, fat mess and I am very unhappy. So is he.
i will check out those podcasts- love a podcast!

We are five years in, and we always hold hands, snuggle on the sofa and have never gone to bed without cuddling.

Kiss all the time little pecks throughout the day, and proper kisses 💋

Gone from sex everyday to once or twice a week, but I feel so close to him as we do all the other stuff

Zero. My husband will only engage in affection if it will lead to something sexual.

9 years in and we randomly cuddle and kiss all the time. We hold hands sometimes outside walking around Tesco or the city etc. We cuddle to sleep every night. I could go on.

23 years. Very little to be honest and always been like that. You are probably very different types of people. You need it more than he does. Men always put on an act in the first couple of years and then the real them shows its face.

15 years in and we kiss before we go out / come in and if we’re out together we might give the odd affectionate cuddle etc but generally day to day we don’t do snuggling etc. We go to bed at different times, we both like our own space and if he came to bed with me and tried to cuddle I’d find it weird 😳😆 We still have a sex life, albeit not much of one as we have older dc and they’re always THERE, just everywhere, all the time…!! But we love each other and have a really good relationship. I think I’d find it annoying someone wanting to touch me all the time etc.

seems odd you don’t live together after 5 years. We don’t really like public affection but at home we snuggle on sofa, cuddle a little before sleep, some random kisses!

We're 7 years in and very tactile at home. Some of it would almost certainly be viewed as juvenile, but that's just how we are together. But I would be very upset if he didn't want to cuddle me- the comfort I get from those long hugs is incredible.

In public- DP was married to someone for a long time who didn't want to hold hands, and still finds it a bit awkward. But he knows I like to hold hands (not all the time tbh, just sometimes) so will take my hand if we're out on a walk or whatever.

I'd say if you've told your partner that you'd like more touching, and he's refused, then your relationship is on its last legs, probably.

Well , 32 years in we are still affectionate. Hold hands watching TV, kiss and cuddle ect.

There definitely is no "normal" for any couple, it's whatever you BOTH feel comfortable with. If you are unhappy with the lack of affection and are asking for it, then equally he is likely just as unhappy with too much affection and feeling pressured for it.
Read up on love languages, often people don't understand what their partners is and it leads to tension.

But ultimately you can't expect affection from him if he doesn't want to give it just like he can't expect you to never need it from him. Trust me there affectionate men out there though.

I'm 40 years in and we still exchange kisses at least twice a day, we sit close on the sofa and I tuck my feet under his leg for warmth. We always say a proper goodnight to each other in bed although I don't much like being too close in bed as I don't like being breathed on (I don't mind cuddling him).
We talk a lot, including about our relationship. We would both jump at being able to spend more time alone, go for more date nights, more weekends away but we both acknowledge why these things aren't happening - our lives at the moment are rather hectic.
I think relationships have a sort of 'use by' date - if certain things haven't happened by certain points then you have to at least question the relationship.
Five years with no clear decision on whether you will live together is quite near one of those 'use by' dates, whether the decision was to move in or stay living apart. I'd expect a few serious discussions about it by now.

I wouldn’t have said 5 years and not living together was anywhere near past the honeymoon period! That said we’ve only been together 6 years but living together for over 5 and we had a baby this year. We hold hands sometimes when out (no difference over the years), still kiss hello, goodbye, before bed, still cuddle randomly, and in bed every night, touch each others arses or sling an arm round each other as we’re walking past. Oh and hands in each others leg in the car, can’t hold hands now as we both have a manual car. We do less sofa snuggling as we don’t have time to lie on the sofa much now and we have more seating. Plus living together we have lots of time together whereas before we lived together out quality time was often snuggled with a film. It sounds like a lot written down but we aren’t joined at the hip I promise.

In my long term relationships we always maintained affectionate touch and that sort of thing.

I don't see the point of a relationship without it, tbh. 🤷 It's really important to me.

Oh, and also, my current relationship is a long-term, living apart one so similar (ish) situation.

I kind of thought living apart kept that side of things fresher.

If you're not happy with how things are between you and you've had the conversation before, it doesn't leave you many options. I'd choose change by splitting rather than settle for "a bit shit" forever.

Don't lose hope just yet! My DH is avoidant, and I am anxious. It's literally the most difficult paring in attachment world! It doesn't mean it can't work, it just means you have to work a little harder at understanding each other.

I am so sorry you're both so unhappy. I have been there! I listened to the podcast on my own at first, and started implementing the small changes myself, and learning to recognise within myself when I was acting on my Anxious attachment, It still is a massive learning curve. I did notice that my change in behaviour made him drop some of his defences, and actually make him more appreciative of me, as he was starting to feel less attacked and more understood.

One of my favourite things about the podcast, was actually learning to understand my partner a bit more, and trying to look at him with empathy instead of frustrations / blame. It's difficult because our attachment style is formed in childhood, so I tried to be way more empathetic of how he was treated as a child, and tried not to judge him because of it.

I got to the point where only me working on improving myself was not enough. I basically sat him down and said that I'd been listening to the podcast, and that I would like him to listen too, as it's something we both needed to learn. If he didn't want to then that's OK too, but if that was the case I was not longer prepared to keep hurting each other and would have to walk away to protect myself. Luckily for me he agreed to listen and we've been working at our communication, and have been practising empathy, appreciation and working as a team. The closer we grow together, the more natural the none sexual intimacy has become. We had to re-learn how to love and respect not just each other, but ourselves, which wasn't easy but I knew when I married him that he was my person, and I wanted us to be together in a mutually full filling relationship.

I really hope you can get through to him, and that you can become a team together. If not then at least you can learn about yourself, and hopefully your next relationship will be with someone who loves you, respects you, and doesn't judge you for being mature enough to talk about your needs, and desires in a relationship.

Sorry for the essay 😅This is a field I am particularly interested in so I have read so many books about relationships, attachment theory and love languages 😂