Intimacy in longer term relationships/ marriages-

[BigButtons]

Those of you who have been with your partner well past the honey moon phase I would really like to know what levels of non sexual intimacy you have in your relationships.
As couples do you hold hands, have random cuddles, kisses and hugs? I am not talking glued at the hip here- just naturally wanting to connect every now and again.
What does your partner do to make you feel appreciated and loved?
Do you snuggle on the sofa etc etc.
How have you managed to maintain connection with your partner?
My partner of 5 years reckons it is completely normal not to want to do that after a certain length of time and that most longer term couples don’t.
He might hold my hand whilst we walk, but that is about it. Our relationship is pretty well on the floor right now.

Whilst I appreciate that that might be ok for many people, I do wonder how many women would like more connection with their partners.
We do not live together and see each other about 4 nights a week.

Not a lot despite me explaining I need it in order to actually want intimacy in the bedroom. He just makes an effort for aLittle while then it tails off again. Together 20years. Strangely enough we don't have much bedroom action as a result and he seems surprised. Idiot.

My experience is that 5 years in is far far too soon for this.

Relationships can run their course and that's absolutely fine. There's no value in staying with someone purely based on memories. You enjoyed it, now you don't, so move on. No finances or dc to consider.

30 years married and we are probably as affectionate as we were when we were first married. Is your partner saying that no hugs, kisses and touching outside of sex is the norm after about 5 years? I couldn't have put up with that for the past 25 years and neither could dh.

Been with DH for 15 years.

We spend a lot of time together, we both WFH in the same office for different companies.

We always cuddle and touch. We're both people who express affection physically with each other.

We both instigate equally.

8 years in (12 years into knowing each other) and i find that quite sad OP. Obviously sex dwindles from the initial phase and you aren’t all over each other but your OP reads like you don’t have any affection at all? And you don’t even live together so I would expect there to be more by virtue of not seeing each other all the time and missing each other.

We kiss every day, goodbye, hello, thank you for dinner, that sort of thing. We seek each other out for a hug. We cuddle in bed in the evenings. We don’t necessarily snuggle on the sofa much these days but we always have some contact - he might put his feet on me or vice versa, or we might hold hands.

We hold hands when we walk into town. If we’re out with other people he will touch my arm, squeeze my hand, put his arm around me whatever - just touch points. I think it’s really important.

@ReginaPhalange1989 I too am very interested in attachment theory. I always used to think of myself as simply an anxious type but related tests have me come out as fearful avoidant- which does make a lot more sense to me.
I have introduced this to my do and he is very interested but being typically avoidant he sees it as a terrible thing for him and feels like he is a bad person.
I am working hard on myself- partly on my boundaries as these are utter rubbish. ( thanks mum).
I swing from feeling all calm and sensible and detached to an explosion of resentment . He certainly brings out my more anxious side. I have been listening to a lot of podcasts and watching you tube and have found it very helpful. My fear is that I will move on out and he will not come with me.
i will definitely list. To those podcasts and will encourage him to do the same. We are at a place where we can’t get much lower so nothing to lose.
I said to him yesterday that this was win win for both of us.
Either we grow together- win or we decided to end this unhealthy relationship where neither of our needs are met- also a win.

I have brokered moving in together for years and he has always kicked the can down the road. In a sort of yes I want to do that but fort this needs to be in place.

The last bit was me finally having my own property so that both of us had financial security. I now have that property and he has nowhere to hide now. This is causing a problem.
Because we only see each other a few times a week I would hope that he wouldn’t become complacent- that the time together would be special. It’s not. It’s like being with a mate who gives me a cuddle in bed and very occasionally wants sex. I have told him this and he knows how unhappy I am.
We have talked and talked about his over and over and nothing changes.
He is unable to tell how he feels or what he wants.
it is, however, so misery making to be with a partner who doesn’t seem to desire me.
He is 60 and has no children. Has had various relationships throughout his life, lived with someone briefly, but only the once. It’s the same pattern and I know I am being very foolish to expect this would be any different with me.
so sad.

@Ridingthegravytrain yeah- funny that. Some men are just plain lazy.

Apparently we need 8 hugs a day to maintain positive emotional health.

10 years in. I touch him as I walk past. Give him random cuddles and kisses. Find myself staring at him, looking how he moves, admiring him, taking in the little things like his hands or hair. I give him compliments between all the day to day crap we have in a ten year plus relationship with 2 kids and too many pets and all that brings with it.
We don't have sex often enough for me. I initiate it every time.
And I hate it.
He doesn't do any of the same to me at all. Nothing. And if I don't initiate sex we don't have it. He says he loves me, he says he desires me and yet no physical acts of love or intimacy.
It has ruined my confidence slowly over the years.
It is something I need. I have told him that. Many times. He's tried, it's still tough.
I have no advice other than to me, that intimacy is the easiest thing on the planet for me when I'm in love. It's natural. To not have it back is heartbreaking. Actually heartbreaking.

You obviously feel you need it too. I guess all we can do is highlight it, work on it with our partners and if it's still not working, end it in the hopes one day we will find someone that does love us in the way we need to be loved.

Married 13 years. Together 20.

We cuddle in bed most mornings before getting up (well, spoon so we aren't breathing on each other)

Hold hands when out and about.

Most cuddling/kissing is of a more sexual nature but we do also cuddle/kiss a few times a week in a non-sexual way.

We also grope each other quite a lot in a playful way.

But we don't really cuddle on the sofa much. Tend to be sat on different ones with DC and/or pets between us.

@Soerdu I am so sorry you are going through this too. This is the thing. For me- if you fancy someone, love them, desire them- why would you NOT feel the absolute desire and take pleasure from being intimate with them.
DP tells me he fancies me- but only if I say he doesn’t seem to. However- there is NOTHING either in his actions( hugs, kisses) or his words that would indicate that. There is such a dissonance. It feels like being gaslit to be quite honest.
fuck only knows what he is getting from this relationship.

We are 9 years in and it's calmed down a bit thank the lord! Our relationship still has an intensity. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic. We touch constantly hugs & kisses. Every night I lie on the sofa and he strokes my hair. I am so loved and I feel so privileged and lucky to have this in my life. I adore him. I spent 16 years in the emotional and physical deep freezer with my ex and it was soul destroying.

15 years together. We had many years of not enough sex for me, but even then he wanted to snog me a lot. It was quite frustrating for me though, because I would get turned on by that, and it wouldn't lead anywhere. Anyway, after much moaning from me, he has recently started taking Tadalafil and it has been life changing. He now wants sex all the time. It took a few months to work, but it is now in full swing and it's great. Could you try that? I see that he's 60. He might be having performance worries? This was the case with my DH. But the Tadalafil sorts all of that out - it means he gets an erection no problem, and this has taken away any worries on that front. I think my DH gets his pills from Numan. They come every month through the post. I'd honestly see if you can get him to try these and after a few months you could see a big change. I know you were talking about non sexual affection, but in my experience they are strongly linked - my DH now wants loads more non sexual touching because his confidence is up. He knows if that leads to sex, that he won't struggle to get an erection.

Our sexologist advised us:

• talk about what is embarrassing
• pay attention to ourselves
• get enough sleep, because when the body is exhausted, sexual desire for a partner disappears.

Then you can add a romantic dinner, attractive lingerie, and toys from a sex shop (https://okova.shop/collections/kitsune-tail-butt-plug)

Thanks everyone. We had a big chat. I told him about this thread and your views on intimacy. I think he was quite shocked. Things have been better and he is being a bit more touchy and has softened somewhat. I can only hope that it lasts. It has been really good to have it confirmed that, whilst ‘normal’ is a very individual thing, many couples find ways to be intimate outside of sex. And that I am not some crazy demanding woman for wanting cuddles on the sofa and a hug.

That's good news, I hope it continues!
I've been doing a lot of research into attachment styles and love languages and if you are different to your partner it seems these sorts of issues pop up! It's really opened up my eyes to a lot of our differences. And what I've read is that we are NOT crazy or needy for wanting that affection! Phew 😅
I recommend looking into it. Hopefully it'll help change things for the better long term.

@Soerdu yes I agree- attachment issues and love languages make a huge difference to how dynamics play out. My dp is dismissive avoidant- boarding school boy. I am definitely a fearful avoidant abut working hard on my ‘issues’ my love languages are definitely words of affirmation and then physical touch. His a definitely acts of service.

@BigButtons
I think we're almost identical! My other half is securely attached but oblivious 🤣
Acts of service is his deal too but I'm the same as you. Hopefully there's hope for us all!

@Soerdu i think acts of service is what most men do!

We've been together 21 years. I have to admit that neither of us are the most tactile of people (although I am with the children). For example, we don't snuggle up together on the sofa - we have a sofa each! We hug a lot but only really snog during sex. We tell each other we love each other more than once a day.

Maybe there is no normal- just what we are happy with.

Yes, but you’re not happy. I wouldn’t be either. DH and I are always cuddling, holding hands, having a cheeky squeeze.

We’re immensely loving, having met in our 40s after crap relationships and loneliness. We never take our happiness for granted. I would feel physically starved with someone like your partner.

I've been married 18 years and we always hold hands when we go out. He always comes to kiss me at 5pm when he comes downstairs as he WFH in a spare bedroom. He often comes up behind me when I'm in the kitchen and gives me a cuddle. We cuddle In bed even on nights we don't have sex.

Wow a lot of food for thought from this thread…

28 years together in Feb; definitely has not been all plain sailing and a big bug bear of mine for years probably was lack of intimacy outside of sex. However, that has now changed. I think DH is more aware of understanding my needs and likewise after couples counselling a few years ago. I can’t advise you to stick in because it’s really fairly early days for you and I don’t think it’s true that it's normal for closeness to disappear, especially so soon. Maybe therapy would help to communicate clearly & calmly about this?

@Soerdu i could have wrote this myself, word for word. Can I ask you, have you ever thought about walking away? I am 23 years in. I love him but the situation is death by a thousand paler cuts.