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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just cannot do this anymore

58 replies

Donedonedone36 · 14/12/2023 03:03

Husband of 8 years has always loved going out drinking until the early hours of the morning.

back 15 years ago he would do it every weekend, also cocaine use occasionally aswel. As we got older had children moved out of London etc it calmed down a bit and maybe became a monthly thing. That’s fine never really bothered me.

he goes out to the pub every Wednesday after work to have a beer, play darts and pool. He drives home so only has a few beers.

about 6 months ago one of Wednesday night he didn’t return until 10am the next morning. He didn’t answer his phone, wasn’t replying to my calls or anything. I was sick with worry, I called all the local hospitals, and called the police. He turned up at home saying he had started drinking properly couldn’t drive home so fell asleep at his friends. Didn’t even bother to send me a text!!! I was furious.
while I was searching for him I contacted his friend he apparently went out with every Wednesday….. turns out it was a lie. He wasn’t meeting this so call friend to play darts like he had told me for months. Husband said he was going out on his own or meeting any friend what was around, as he needed a release and time to himself.
he was drink driving home every single week without my knowing.

after months of working at getting my trust back he started the Wednesday pub trips again. Promised me he wasn’t drink driving, only having 2 beers. Just meeting his brother and friend for a pub dinner and a beer, playing pool and darts. Told me he needs it once a week as his time. As part of my journey to trust him again he agreed to put the 360 location tracker app on his phone. All been going great, he’s been where he said he was, messaging me if I messaged him, answering my calls if I called him, home at a decent time, no evidence of him drinking too much and driving home over the limit. My trust was starting to build again….. now I’m here. 3am in the morning he hasn’t come home, he isn’t answering my calls or messages and he has turned his location off on his phone!!

im devestated. Why is he doing this to me. I can’t take it anymore.
we have 2 young children who adore him, and he is a great dad. 2 weeks before Christmas…..:

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/12/2023 03:32

What a bastard.

And someone having 'a couple of beers' still shouldn't have been driving fyi.

But you know he drink drives now.
And it's likely that all night bender a while back was him with another woman. Which I'm sure you already suspect.

And now he's done it again. Or maybe this time he's in a jail cell because he's ran someone over. Or maybe he's laying in a gutter somewhere off his tits.

Irregardless of the details, it all boils down to this - he's a selfish, disrespectful asshole who utterly takes the piss out of you.

First he stayed out all night and you forgave. Then you found out he lied about it, and you forgave. Now he's doing it again. How many more times are you going to let him take the piss.

Rather than calling the hospitals this time I'd call a bloody locksmith. Rather than worrying all night, I'd pack his shit up into bags and have them sent to his mammys house. Rather than yet another chance when he rolls in with some made up bullshit again, I'd serve him with divorce papers.

Life is too short to waste on people who treat is like shit op.

Pinkbonbon · 14/12/2023 03:34

Ps: he's not a great dad. Great dads don't treat their children's mothers like afterthought idiots who are only there to be stepped on and gaslighted.

Pps: 'he's a great dad' is what every woman trying to defend loser men says.

Soulstirring · 14/12/2023 03:40

Exactly what bobbon says.

he drink drives and you condone it. He doesn’t respect you. My husband wouldn’t do this to me but ex-partner did. It was awful, so I know how you feel. There is a huge difference in my relationship now and I know I’m respected and loved. You do not have to put up with it. I wish I hadn’t for so long.

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/12/2023 03:56

The assertion he needed down time to himself is something my ex H used to say. Even on holiday abroad he’d always take at least one night to do his own thing - disappearing until the early hours etc. It became apparent as the years went by that he was an alcoholic gambler who often used cocaine and i eventually found out he’d been cheating since the first few months of our relationship. I well remember the despair as the hours ticked by and it was clear he’d disappeared on another bender.

The turning off of the location is deeply suspicious OP. No need for that if he’s just drinking somewhere. This will always be your life. He won’t stop. I’d start making practical plans to end the relationship.

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/12/2023 03:57

Soulstirring · 14/12/2023 03:40

Exactly what bobbon says.

How does she condone it when she didn’t know about it?

mumtoboys12 · 14/12/2023 03:59

What a bastard.

brokenbitbybit · 14/12/2023 04:04

He's a cunt

MrsJPinkman · 14/12/2023 04:21

I couldn't read this and run. You deserve better than this. You have to make a stand. He doesn't respect you and it's terrible behaviour of a fully grown adult,

Please let us know he gets back ok.

Josette77 · 14/12/2023 04:22

He's a shitty husband and father.
You deserve better. Throw him out.

JamieKnows · 14/12/2023 04:23

"he is a great dad"

A drink driving, lying druggie who is likely out paying women to use their bodies for sex is a "great dad"? Fucking hell, the bar is low.

JamieKnows · 14/12/2023 04:23

"Please let us know he gets back ok."

Merryandbright1170 · 14/12/2023 04:27

Ah OP what I'm getting from your post is potential addiction. The lies, secrets, drinking and doing drugs. Then he goes on benders all night on a random Wednesday. It seems he can't control himself.

He isn't a good dad. Good dad's don't disappear on benders on a random weekday. I think you already know this though.

You know it won't get better. He's shown you, you can't trust him. He doesn't respect you as he'd also shown through his actions. Don't waste your precious time trying to fix him
Leave him

Olika · 14/12/2023 04:27

Pack his bag and tell him to stay somewhere else.

Ohwhatadag · 14/12/2023 04:31

I am sorry. It is horrible isn't it? If he has turned off the tracker app, it'll very probably be another woman.

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 04:41

My friend has just turned 60. She has three children and a grandson. She has lived with what you describe @Donedonedone36 for over 30 years. Finally she’s had enough. Don’t be my friend @Donedonedone36 . Don’t waste another second of your precious life on this loser.

HelpMeGetThrough · 14/12/2023 05:03

He drives home so only has a few beers.

A few? It would be max one beer if driving, two would put you over the limit.

calmdoon · 14/12/2023 05:23

Fuck that. I’ve been there with a liar who took the piss out of me for years. I promise you he won’t change. Stay and put up with it or get out are your options. Make the right choice for you and your kids.
I’d start with reporting him for drink driving the second he parks up outside. Imagine how some family would feel if he caused an accident and killed somebody two weeks before Christmas and every year for the rest of their families lives they have to remember that as well. Do the right thing. Knowing he does this makes you just as bad as you know a few beers is over the limit.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/12/2023 06:02

A good dad? A man who drinks and drives and could kill someone else's children? I'm man who would happily spend his children's food money on himself?

He's up to no good, and he always will be like that. You know he cheated last time. You know he cheated last night. He's an alcoholic and a cheat and drug taker. Raise your standards.

Original poster

Donedonedone36 · 14/12/2023 06:46

Hi all thanks for your messages.
he called me at about 3.15am and said he would be 10 minutes.

half an hour later he got home, I was waiting downstairs with steam coming out my ears ready to let rip! He wasn’t drunk but he admitted to having more than a few drinks. I was screaming at him about the drink driving, he could have killed someone or lost his license which would mean losing his job! All he could say was he wasn’t too drunk to drive, I said it’s not how house you it’s about if you’re over the limit!!!!
I said other things too about how we spent time building up my trust again and he has just torn it all down. He said some of his and his brothers old friends turned up in the pub and he just got carried away. But what stops him just sending him a message saying the boys are here gonna have a few Christmas drinks with them I’ll stay here at my brothers and go to work from here! That would have been much more sensible.

he also swears blind he didn’t turn his location off, it came straight back on as soon as he walked in the door though- he says must have been as the phone connected to the wifi. He thinks I’m bloody stupid!!

he has always done this to me, i should have seen the red flag 15 years ago and ran a mile!!

as you get older and have a family though things change don’t they. Things I would put up with before I cannot tolerate now.

looks like 2024 is going to be the year of my divorce :,(

OP posts:

Socialyawkward · 14/12/2023 06:55

I'm so glad you know that he's spinning b.s stick to your guns

PermanentTemporary · 14/12/2023 07:00

He sounds like he's an alcoholic.

Maybe try Al-Anon, not to stay, but to sort out how it got to this and to realise that someone who has 'a few beers' and drives home is doing something shocking, abnormal and illegal?

C1N1C · 14/12/2023 07:08

The random friends, not totally smelling of alcohol, staying out until morning, and no location tracker is ringing alarm bells for me.

Does he have social media accounts to you can check? Favourite jacket for condoms?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 14/12/2023 07:09

He's an amazing gaslighter. I'm surprised you know what day it is, living with him. You really need to get out.

EtiennePalmiere · 14/12/2023 07:09

Haha the great dad line again.

He's a criminal to be driving after drinking those amounts, that would make me lose absolutely all respect for him.

RenoDakota · 14/12/2023 07:16

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/12/2023 03:57

How does she condone it when she didn’t know about it?

Show quote history

It's there in her original post:

"He drives home so only has a few beers."

That is drink driving.

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