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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just cannot do this anymore

58 replies

Donedonedone36 · 14/12/2023 03:03

Husband of 8 years has always loved going out drinking until the early hours of the morning.

back 15 years ago he would do it every weekend, also cocaine use occasionally aswel. As we got older had children moved out of London etc it calmed down a bit and maybe became a monthly thing. That’s fine never really bothered me.

he goes out to the pub every Wednesday after work to have a beer, play darts and pool. He drives home so only has a few beers.

about 6 months ago one of Wednesday night he didn’t return until 10am the next morning. He didn’t answer his phone, wasn’t replying to my calls or anything. I was sick with worry, I called all the local hospitals, and called the police. He turned up at home saying he had started drinking properly couldn’t drive home so fell asleep at his friends. Didn’t even bother to send me a text!!! I was furious.
while I was searching for him I contacted his friend he apparently went out with every Wednesday….. turns out it was a lie. He wasn’t meeting this so call friend to play darts like he had told me for months. Husband said he was going out on his own or meeting any friend what was around, as he needed a release and time to himself.
he was drink driving home every single week without my knowing.

after months of working at getting my trust back he started the Wednesday pub trips again. Promised me he wasn’t drink driving, only having 2 beers. Just meeting his brother and friend for a pub dinner and a beer, playing pool and darts. Told me he needs it once a week as his time. As part of my journey to trust him again he agreed to put the 360 location tracker app on his phone. All been going great, he’s been where he said he was, messaging me if I messaged him, answering my calls if I called him, home at a decent time, no evidence of him drinking too much and driving home over the limit. My trust was starting to build again….. now I’m here. 3am in the morning he hasn’t come home, he isn’t answering my calls or messages and he has turned his location off on his phone!!

im devestated. Why is he doing this to me. I can’t take it anymore.
we have 2 young children who adore him, and he is a great dad. 2 weeks before Christmas…..:

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Weatherwax13 · 14/12/2023 07:26

From what you're describing I'd imagine it's coke OP. I really feel for you.

Nicole1111 · 14/12/2023 07:28

He’s got problems that he’s not either willing or able to address. You have to decide if you are going to spend your life trying to manage something he can’t/won’t, or if it’s time to leave.

Healingfrommothernarc · 14/12/2023 07:31

Sorry op, location works off GPS signals, nothing to do with WiFi. That is unfortunately... another lie! That's why satnav works without needing Internet!

TheGrimm · 14/12/2023 07:39

He’s being unfaithful.

Ansjovis · 14/12/2023 07:46

Yeah, this guy isn't even a passable dad, never mind a good one. He's definitely not going to be any kind of dad at all when he kills someone and has to explain to them why he did it. He's treating all of you with contempt.

wildwestpioneer · 14/12/2023 07:55

I call bullshit! He's getting pissed, probably doing cocaine again and being somewhere he's not supposed to. He's had his one chance and blown it. Forgive this and it's a green light to you putting up with this behaviour

MrsJPinkman · 14/12/2023 07:56

JamieKnows · 14/12/2023 04:23

"Please let us know he gets back ok."

Why are you pulling a stupid face? Would you like to wake up and read he's been found dead in a ditch or something?

JamieKnows · 14/12/2023 08:02

"Why are you pulling a stupid face? Would you like to wake up and read he's been found dead in a ditch or something?"

No, just think it's bizarre that vultures demand the OP comes back to give them updates on what is bound to be a pretty shitty time for her. It is her actual life you know and you don't know them from Adam so why do you need to know he's home ok?

Maray1967 · 14/12/2023 08:07

RenoDakota · 14/12/2023 07:16

It's there in her original post:

"He drives home so only has a few beers."

That is drink driving.

Show quote history

Yes, in your first post you admit he’s a drink driver. You’re probably only safe to have one beer , not a few. For God’s sake report him to the police. I would gave no hesitation in doing that. Id be in the phone to them now and I’d expect them to turn up and breath test him.

JamieKnows · 14/12/2023 08:11

"Id be in the phone to them now and I’d expect them to turn up and breath test him."

Well they won't because he isn't driving. What do you want them to do, arrest him on the OPs say so? She needs to report him when he is driving or about to drive, not after the fact.

Anisette · 14/12/2023 08:44

If I were you I would check whether he really was at his brother's. He's got form for lying about who he was with. If he claims to have been drinking all evening but comes home not drunk, you have to wonder whether the reality is that he was with a woman.

TurkeyTrotToXmas · 14/12/2023 08:58

Please consider getting some support. Unfortunately, lots of people are going through the same things you are: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

As an adult child of an alcoholic father, please don't underestimate the harm he's doing towards his children.

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

MrsJPinkman · 14/12/2023 09:00

JamieKnows · 14/12/2023 08:02

"Why are you pulling a stupid face? Would you like to wake up and read he's been found dead in a ditch or something?"

Yes, it is her life and she doesn't need you sticking the knife in about how she's set herself a low fucking bar when she's already feeling shitty and presuming that he's shagging prostitutes. Have a word with yourself!

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 09:28

RenoDakota · 14/12/2023 07:16

It's there in her original post:

"He drives home so only has a few beers."

That is drink driving.

Show quote history

FFS don’t blame the victim.

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/12/2023 10:40

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 09:28

FFS don’t blame the victim.

Show quote history

Indeed. There’s also a lot of confusion about how much constitutes “drink driving”. Rightly or wrongly many people think a couple of drinks over the course of an evening is fine as the body will have processed it. I don’t to be clear and if I am driving I do not drink at all.

For myself I can’t imagine the first thing I think of to do is administer a little telling off/moral lesson to a struggling and despairing woman posting for help in the early hours of the morning.

RenoDakota · 14/12/2023 10:50

Sholkedabemus · 14/12/2023 09:28

FFS don’t blame the victim.

Show quote history

Replies to replies to replies lose context. And content.
I actually feel sorry for the OP stuck in this position with this stupid twat, but was replying to another poster saying she didn't know he was drink driving.

FinaleyDee · 14/12/2023 10:54

Sorry to hear he’s at it again. I had a partner like this - it never got any better. The constant lying, getting home steaming drunk hours after he said he’d be home, phone off, drugs, drink driving.
We split up and he moved out, the minute he was gone my life was instantly calmer and I had a huge weight off my shoulders.
There will never be a good time to leave - it’s like ripping off a plaster. You just have to do it. Then you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.
The kids will be ok, they will adapt and they will get used to their ‘new normal’.

Theresit · 14/12/2023 10:57

How he treats you is what your children will be learning as a role model, either as husbands themselves or as wives on the receiving end putting up with it.
He’s not a good dad. Break the cycle, break the chain and get rid.

mummymeister · 14/12/2023 11:07

@Donedonedone36 "...and he is a great dad. ..."

Nope he isnt. you are deluding yourself. great dads dont lie to their partners. great dads dont drive drunk or possibly drugged.

He hasnt changed and he isnt going to change until you and your children become more important to him than alcohol and drugs. thats how it is with addicts. they will do and say whatever they need to because nothing absolutely NOTHING is more important to them than their addiction.

How will you feel if he crashes into a family and kills people knowing that you knew he was drink driving? you will feel awful. he wont. he will blame them in some way, it will be their fault and never his. you will live with the guilt and he wont give a shit.

you trusted him to change and he hasnt so if you have drawn a red line on this either you stick to it or be prepared for things to get worse. this is on him, this is his decision and not yours. you need to protect yourself and your kids and move forward without him.

Velvian · 14/12/2023 11:47

I think you should tip off the police for next Wednesday, I bet he is over tge limit most Wednesdays. LTB, it is no way to live.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/12/2023 11:55

There's honestly no point speculating what he is actually doing, just assume the worst because he will never tell you everything.
Point is you can't trust him at all so it needs to end.

Dotcheck · 14/12/2023 12:03

Agree with pp- don’t waste your and your children’s precious lives in this situation.

SphincterSaysWhat · 14/12/2023 12:06

Cocaine is a helluva drug...sorry OP.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/12/2023 12:41

Let's be clear, 2 pints would be over the limit.
So by a couple of drinks I assuming you and he don't mean 2 halves. He's obviously habitually driving over the limit. And he's persistently lying to you, probably taking coke, and likely sleeping with someone else( or several someones).
An addict does not make a good parent, and your children will be better off if you end this relationship now. Protect them, if not yourself.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 14/12/2023 12:45

Healingfrommothernarc · 14/12/2023 07:31

Sorry op, location works off GPS signals, nothing to do with WiFi. That is unfortunately... another lie! That's why satnav works without needing Internet!

This! He is gaslighting you big time. He sounds like he might have a bigger coke problem than he is making out. With coke comes all sort of shitty behaviour. It makes an already selfish person lack any sort of empathy for their loved ones.

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