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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Death by a thousand cuts

66 replies

Iost · 13/12/2023 20:19

I've been feeling resentful of my husband for a long time. A lot of little things adding up. I've just attempted to get it all out of my brain, and it's left me wondering whether I'm being dramatic, or if I need to leave. I'd appreciate some advice. Please be gentle.. I'm feeling quite fragile.

It's death by a thousand cuts. It's coming down after a three hour bed time with 3yo to find the kitchen still a mess from dinner. It's having to do three hour bedtimes in the first place when he'll always settle much faster for you. It's doing all of the early mornings despite having a chronic health condition that means I need rest. It's the sighs when I ask for help. It's the failed chore chart that laughs at me every time I walk in the kitchen. It's the acknowledgement I do way more round the house than you do but never sticking to change. It's you doing your washing at the weekends but not doing mine or the boys. Its dumping the boys clean washing in my room with the expectation I'll always sort it and put it away. It's not being able to talk to you about any of these things without it descending into you giving me the silent treatment. It's the expectation that I'll do 90 percent of the morning routine whilst you get yourself readily leisurely then stress me out at the last minute when you decide, all of a sudden, you're running late. It's the complaints that you barely get time to do what you want when you get several hours most evenings whilst I do chores and deal with the boys. It's the mental load always falling to me.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 13/12/2023 20:44

Give him a divorce for Christmas. What a thoroughly horrible man.

So sorry op! You are absolutely being disrespected.

Original poster
Iost · 13/12/2023 21:19

I think that's what I want to do. I just feel a bit hopeless. He walked in on me having a little cry just now, asked what was wrong, I told him "the same stuff as usual". No response, he just pottered around for a minute then left.

He very rarely sees me cry.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 21:22

He's a waste of time. He clearly won't change so you only have two choices: either put up with it and reconcile yourself to being a martyr for the rest of your days, or tell him to get lost. Life will be much easier without him.

Ebokebok · 13/12/2023 22:53

Do you already have separate bedrooms?

Original poster
Iost · 13/12/2023 23:08

Ebokebok · 13/12/2023 22:53

Do you already have separate bedrooms?

Yep, we have done since 3yo was born

OP posts:
Falmouthflipflops · 14/12/2023 08:21

Iost · 13/12/2023 23:08

Yep, we have done since 3yo was born

Show quote history

This relationship is doomed, where is your connection, the team work, the romance? Do you invest any time on your relationship? You seem to be merely housemates where you have 99% of the responsibility. Maybe he resents 3 hrs every evening being spent settling a child in to bed.

Rather than sulk or nag or resort to chore charts, sit down, have an honest conversation about where you go from here. If he can't get on board then maybe you would be better on your own.

ThePoshUns · 14/12/2023 08:43

Why are you spending 3 hrs putting a 3 yr old to bed? Is be knocking that on the head of no benefit to any of you.

DuvetCovers · 14/12/2023 08:52

Is there any good stuff in this marriage? He’s not going to change so it’s worth thinking whether there’s enough good to outweigh the bad.

Original poster
Iost · 14/12/2023 09:03

If anyone has suggestions on how to reduce the length of the bedtime saga I'm all ears. I follow the exact same steps as my husband but then, without fail, get 2 plus hours of him getting out of bed, screaming, crying, throwing everything out of his room.

I've tried having honest conversations but he doesn't engage. Says he isn't good at "those types of conversations".

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 14/12/2023 09:09

Falmouthflipflops · 14/12/2023 08:21

This relationship is doomed, where is your connection, the team work, the romance? Do you invest any time on your relationship? You seem to be merely housemates where you have 99% of the responsibility. Maybe he resents 3 hrs every evening being spent settling a child in to bed.

Rather than sulk or nag or resort to chore charts, sit down, have an honest conversation about where you go from here. If he can't get on board then maybe you would be better on your own.

Show quote history

Do you seriously think that multiple ‘honest conversations’ have not taken place, before the contact negotiations/promises/fucking CHORE CHARTS (which I use for my 7&10yo’s) were written up? The op is getting treated like shit by a partner who won’t pull his weight, because she’s spending 3 hours a night putting her children to bed for the sheer fun of it??

Ihatethenewlook · 14/12/2023 09:10

Perhaps the op would she more ‘time to invest in their relationship’ if he actually did his share of the housework and childcare?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2023 09:15

I would seek legal advice on all aspects of divorce as soon as possible. You do not have to act on this immediately but knowledge here is power.

The silent treatment he also gives you is an example of emotional abuse. Do not further continue to show your children that this current relationship model they are both seeing and learning from become their norm too.

Ittastesvile · 14/12/2023 09:42

Your post reminded me of this
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

jolies1 · 14/12/2023 09:53

You shouldn’t have to, of course, but is there a reason you haven’t said to your husband - “come on, off your arse, are you going to do the dishes or bedtime? Would be nice for us to have some time together this eve, might be quicker if you choose bedtime.”

Shhhhivegotasecret · 14/12/2023 12:18

I was a very gentle parent coslept/breastfed for years etc etc but at 3 I got tough with my youngest and refused to spend hours on bedtime .. there was tears and a lot of putting back to bed but it was quickly resolved. I promised 20 kisses and hugs before bedtime and when we got to 20 that was it and I left the room, total game changer.
your husband however… I would just divorce (I did) all of parenting was much easier when the cloud of simmering resentment went away

Original poster
Iost · 14/12/2023 12:29

Shhhhivegotasecret · 14/12/2023 12:18

I was a very gentle parent coslept/breastfed for years etc etc but at 3 I got tough with my youngest and refused to spend hours on bedtime .. there was tears and a lot of putting back to bed but it was quickly resolved. I promised 20 kisses and hugs before bedtime and when we got to 20 that was it and I left the room, total game changer.
your husband however… I would just divorce (I did) all of parenting was much easier when the cloud of simmering resentment went away

Thank you for the advice. What did you do when putting your child back to bed? At the moment DS will cling to me or block me leaving the room.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iost · 14/12/2023 12:30

jolies1 · 14/12/2023 09:53

You shouldn’t have to, of course, but is there a reason you haven’t said to your husband - “come on, off your arse, are you going to do the dishes or bedtime? Would be nice for us to have some time together this eve, might be quicker if you choose bedtime.”

I've tried that approach but it works for a day then reverts back. If he does bedtime he then stays upstairs and plays on his computer, and I've given up asking him to spend time with me in the evenings as its got quite embarrassing.

OP posts:
furtivetussling · 14/12/2023 12:34

Falmouthflipflops · 14/12/2023 08:21

This relationship is doomed, where is your connection, the team work, the romance? Do you invest any time on your relationship? You seem to be merely housemates where you have 99% of the responsibility. Maybe he resents 3 hrs every evening being spent settling a child in to bed.

Rather than sulk or nag or resort to chore charts, sit down, have an honest conversation about where you go from here. If he can't get on board then maybe you would be better on your own.

Show quote history

JFC. The OP expecting the other parent to do their fucking share and be a decent partner is not nagging. She's not in a sulk either, she is in despair.

And what makes you think the OP hasn't tried and tried to have conversations about this already?

Original poster
Iost · 14/12/2023 12:35

furtivetussling · 14/12/2023 12:34

JFC. The OP expecting the other parent to do their fucking share and be a decent partner is not nagging. She's not in a sulk either, she is in despair.

And what makes you think the OP hasn't tried and tried to have conversations about this already?

Show quote history

Thank you. I actually posted earlier in the year about trying to have a conversation like the one suggested and it culminating in him telling me I need to lose weight.

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 14/12/2023 12:40

A 3 year can’t cling or block you, pick them up and put back in bed, a kiss and goodnight . Leave the room and either hold the door shut from the outside or keep putting in bed until they give up, no words spoken. After a night or two of tantrums it’ll stop.

whatsappdoc · 14/12/2023 12:46

He's not doing anything because he knows there's no real consequences for him.
The next conversation should go like this. I've been thinking about our marriage and I'm fed up of trying to make it work. You don't love me and you don't make me happy. Let's not spend the rest of our lives like this. I've seen a solicitor and they advise xxxx.
Make 2024 the year you started living again.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 14/12/2023 13:00

whatsappdoc · 14/12/2023 12:46

He's not doing anything because he knows there's no real consequences for him.
The next conversation should go like this. I've been thinking about our marriage and I'm fed up of trying to make it work. You don't love me and you don't make me happy. Let's not spend the rest of our lives like this. I've seen a solicitor and they advise xxxx.
Make 2024 the year you started living again.

This ❤️

Sera1989 · 14/12/2023 13:06

Feel so sorry for you OP. I've lived with my bf for only a few months and he sounds similar to your dh - won't pull his weight around the house, emotionally unavailable and just doesn't bloody care about stuff. I'm going to break it off after Christmas, dealing with a manchild is already filling me with resentment. People will only change if they want to, not because you want them to. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to have this for years, it sounds like you are a mother to two kids

DuvetCovers · 14/12/2023 13:09

He sounds really horrible, would you consider splitting? Yes you'd still have a lot to do but you would be free.

Mummysgonetobed · 14/12/2023 13:10

I could have written this 3 years ago OP. I snapped at new year and told him to leave. We’re now nearly divorced and I couldn’t be happier. The relief of not having to carry the mental load of another (useless) adult was absolutely immense.
my children and I are so much better as a team without him being in it.

it won’t change. It won’t get better.

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