Death by a thousand cuts

[Iost]

I've been feeling resentful of my husband for a long time. A lot of little things adding up. I've just attempted to get it all out of my brain, and it's left me wondering whether I'm being dramatic, or if I need to leave. I'd appreciate some advice. Please be gentle.. I'm feeling quite fragile.

It's death by a thousand cuts. It's coming down after a three hour bed time with 3yo to find the kitchen still a mess from dinner. It's having to do three hour bedtimes in the first place when he'll always settle much faster for you. It's doing all of the early mornings despite having a chronic health condition that means I need rest. It's the sighs when I ask for help. It's the failed chore chart that laughs at me every time I walk in the kitchen. It's the acknowledgement I do way more round the house than you do but never sticking to change. It's you doing your washing at the weekends but not doing mine or the boys. Its dumping the boys clean washing in my room with the expectation I'll always sort it and put it away. It's not being able to talk to you about any of these things without it descending into you giving me the silent treatment. It's the expectation that I'll do 90 percent of the morning routine whilst you get yourself readily leisurely then stress me out at the last minute when you decide, all of a sudden, you're running late. It's the complaints that you barely get time to do what you want when you get several hours most evenings whilst I do chores and deal with the boys. It's the mental load always falling to me.

He may want 50:50 to prevent child support payments, but as you earn about the same this isn’t an issue - just means you actually get a break. Or he may be interested in you having them 80:20, in which case you get a little more money from him and you could hire a mother’s help or a cleaner for a few hours a week.

Thanks so much for all the comments. I've told him I'd like a chat tonight so will tell him then that I want to separate.

I'm hoping - perhaps naively - that he will keep things amicable for the sake of the kids. Fortunately we don't have joint finances (except for an account we use for joint bills) so that's one less worry. We are in the process of a mortgage renewal so I'll need to get some advice as to what to do there.

Really appreciate all the advice I've had.

I was terrified of telling mine so I decided to couch it as though it was best for him too. Keep the first chat very short. I tried to be straightforward and the paragraph below is roughly what I said.

"I'm not happy here anymore, and I know you aren't either, so I think it's best if we split up so we can both be happier. It would be nice if we could do that amicably don't you think? Anyway, have a think about it and we can talk about practicalities tomorrow unless you have any questions? No? Okay, I'll go start dinner/wash up/walk the dog/whatever you need to do to get out the room".

Then the next day I asked if he had any questions (nope) so I explained the process approximately, ie you apply online, wait so long, click a link from the court, wait for 20 weeks - but we need to fill in Form E in the meantime and this requires getting pension forecasts and house/car valuations blah blah. Then I ran to the laptop and paid the £600 to get it started.

Keep everything short and to the point for every conversation. Ask if he has any questions about the process. Take ALL emotion out of it and if he starts arguing or anything just walk out the room saying you will discuss it when he's calmed down. Do not respond emotionally.

Good luck. That first conversation can be the hardest because it's more emotional, but afterward keep saying how much it will benefit him (think of ways, ie can watch his sport in peace, won't have wife asking him to do jobs all the time, go on holidays where he wants, won't have to do garden as much if he buys smaller place etc etc etc). I told mine he would probably love a rental as he hates maintenance, decorating and gardening, and how much freedom that would give him - his eyes lit up. We have to live together until the house is sold but I know my husband so I feed him stuff like that, including how he wouldn't have to watch my BBC dramas anymore, how he can watch wall to wall sport, he can get his favourite (stinky) foods all the time, he wouldn't have to keep tidying up, this might be the last time he ever cuts the lawn. Drip, drip, drip but it keeps him onside which makes the process easier to deal with.

Anyway, hopefully that helps.

Yes!

Good luck - it’s the right thing for you.

Well, don’t bloody renew the mortgage until you have spoken to a solicitor. Maybe hold off on the conversation too.

@Pixiedust1234 I'm curious to know if he ever asked for any clarification? Otherwise, did he ageee with you that it was best to split up? Sounds like you had both long fallen out of love by the lack of his reaction.

It's a hard conversation to start. I had a few glasses of wine first! He didn't want to separate, despite his constant cheating! I got a separation agreement drawn up by a solicitor and told him he would need a solicitor, and it just started rolling from there. Took about 4 months. Very happy now with a different DH! Good luck for tonight. You CAN do it.

How would you feel though, if this really shocks him and is the catalyst for change? Are you open to trying again? I was unwavering, as the cheating was not tolerable.

Definitely frame it in the benefits to him, its clear you're not happy, and I am not either. We cant live our lives like this, its better for everyone including the boys if we split up. We dont want them growing up thinking this is normal, I want you to be happy too. etc etc Try to keep it calm and focus on the positives for him.

Whereas under all this, you have a plan, you know what you want. Ideally if its all quite simple you can avoid lawyers for the most part too. This is highly advisable as their main goal is to take as much money out of your marriage and into their account. I would file the papers first though as the petitioners control the pace. Its really hard to do and get through, but so worth it once you are on the other side. Life is much easier without carrying another adult on your back the whole time.

That's tough, my other half just doesn't seem to get the housework. So I usually say on the way up with child please tidy kitchen etc and bring child's milk up to bedroom etc. he usually does it, shame he has be promoted.

As for 3 year old sleeping, making everything so calm really helped, get everything dark, winding down drinking milk and book in mummy's and daddy's bed then off to kids bedroom. For another book and we read a book called yoga bunnies which is about breathing or the breathe thing on my Apple Watch to concentrate on breathing. Really strange I know but by concentrating on breathing for a few minutes it really helped calm her down. Keep yawning too. Sleep spray for any monsters that maybe about. Also routine is a must too. Oh and an eye mask worked well, she chose a unicorn one she wanted to wear, we creep in and take it off when she's fallen asleep.

We eventually split bedtime now so I do the book reading and calming down in our bedroom and daddy comes up to put the child to bed and read another story. Takes about an hour, half an hour each. And now she can independently read so let her have a book to read to sleep with if struggling.

What ?? That’s so unkind of him. You know what ? I’d just ignore him & carry on like he first exist in the house. Perhaps he’d like the silent treatment, too. I mean, if he can dish it , he certainly can eat it. Frankly, act like he doesn’t exist in the slightest & of course, you aren’t cleaning up after him or cooking his food.

Nope, he didn't care. Just as he's never cared about me, the children, the house, or anything, as long as his needs and wants are put first. I told him he would be happier divorced and i keep finding something extra to explain why, nearly every week. He's walking around with a big grin on his face but I know what his reality will end up being - I hope it isn't but it will no longer be my job to fix. I know that sounds awful and very devious but we have been married a very long time and he's been (low level) abusive for all of it. I'm either honest and truthful and he will rain hell down on me or I can butter him up and hopefully escape without too many problems.

I doubt he ever loved me. I know I loved him, and I know exactly when the very last bit of love died.

Good luck. That first conversation can be the hardest because it's more emotional, but afterward keep saying how much it will benefit him (think of ways, ie can watch his sport in peace, won't have wife asking him to do jobs all the time, go on holidays where he wants, won't have to do garden as much if he buys smaller place etc etc etc). I told mine he would probably love a rental as he hates maintenance, decorating and gardening, and how much freedom that would give him - his eyes lit up. We have to live together until the house is sold but I know my husband so I feed him stuff like that, including how he wouldn't have to watch my BBC dramas anymore, how he can watch wall to wall sport, he can get his favourite (stinky) foods all the time, he wouldn't have to keep tidying up, this might be the last time he ever cuts the lawn. Drip, drip, drip but it keeps him onside which makes the process easier to deal with.

I can't decide if you're a genius or a cold-hearted robot, but this is brilliant.

Good luck OP

Can I not be a cold hearted genius. I've always wanted a white cat 😬

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