Death by a thousand cuts

[Iost]

I've been feeling resentful of my husband for a long time. A lot of little things adding up. I've just attempted to get it all out of my brain, and it's left me wondering whether I'm being dramatic, or if I need to leave. I'd appreciate some advice. Please be gentle.. I'm feeling quite fragile.

It's death by a thousand cuts. It's coming down after a three hour bed time with 3yo to find the kitchen still a mess from dinner. It's having to do three hour bedtimes in the first place when he'll always settle much faster for you. It's doing all of the early mornings despite having a chronic health condition that means I need rest. It's the sighs when I ask for help. It's the failed chore chart that laughs at me every time I walk in the kitchen. It's the acknowledgement I do way more round the house than you do but never sticking to change. It's you doing your washing at the weekends but not doing mine or the boys. Its dumping the boys clean washing in my room with the expectation I'll always sort it and put it away. It's not being able to talk to you about any of these things without it descending into you giving me the silent treatment. It's the expectation that I'll do 90 percent of the morning routine whilst you get yourself readily leisurely then stress me out at the last minute when you decide, all of a sudden, you're running late. It's the complaints that you barely get time to do what you want when you get several hours most evenings whilst I do chores and deal with the boys. It's the mental load always falling to me.

Thank you for all the kind responses.. it's reassuring to hear I'm not overreacting.

I'm thinking of telling him I want to separate after Christmas. I just doubt myself at moments thinking surely a partner who helps occasionally is better than none at all. But it's dawning on me that the resentment is the biggest issue, and it's eating away at me so much now.

Yes, if you know that you only have yourself to rely on and it is up to you to get on with it, it is actually easier than having the vague hope/expectation that your partner might help you and then suffering from resentment that they don't. If you see what I mean.

I did this - he is now 7 and completely untraumatised. It was tough but only lasted a few days and well being of everyone in the house is paramount.

That makes total sense!

This, all of iit, was why I left my exH. I even sent him that ‘divorced because of the dishes’ article at one point in our marraige. He said he understood it, but still nothing changed.
Your DH doesn't change because he doesn't want to.

You don’t have to live like that if YOU donn’t want to.
YES divorce is hell, yes I’m way poorer than before. But as a pp has said, life is far, far sweeter without the simmering resentment.
I love my life again. Thats priceless!

Can you go for counselling first? The early years with kids are very hard.

It's never advisable to go to counselling with an abuser. And he is an abuser.

@Iost I second what @AttilaTheMeerkat has said, please get legal advice before you broach any subject of separpation with your husband. The more prepared you are, the better position you will be in. He won't want you to be calling any shots, he will make life even more difficult for you, in whatever way, so you need to be in the best position possible before you tell him.

Doing your homework and planning will probably start lifting your spirits. Life looking after children alone is difficult but you won't have the added weight of your husband's behaviour making it 100 times worse.

It can be scary to think that you might be lonely on your own. But the questions to ask are - would you be happy if things stayed exactly as they are now? Does your partner add things to your life or take them away? Do you think someone else could make you happier than he does? Do you feel happy with yourself and the way that you act/speak in the relationship?

What's your financial situation, op? Do you both work and have your own money?

We both work full time and earn roughly the same, about 60k. We pay into an account for bills but the rest of our money is separate. House is mortgaged and I'd hate to move. I could probably afford to stay here without him, although it would be tight.

Unfortunately your hubby takes the piss for the same reason your 3 year old does. Because he knows you're a soft touch.

Your 3 year old needs discipline and your partner needs shown the door.

Have you tried the super nanny technique where you put them to bed as usual and if they get up, you say 'bedtime' and take them back to bed. If they get up again you say nothing and take them back again. Repeat until they stop getting out of bed. If they cling you you ignore. No attention after the first time you tuck them in. You might have to take them back 10, 20, a gazillion times so it'll be draining. But ultimately they'll get the message that getting out of bed after bedtime will not get them attention.

Simultaneously, be sure to play lots throughout the day and tire them out. And stick to a routine throughout the day. 20 minutes to read a story to them and tuck them in at bedtime and that's that. No hanging around.

Nightmares might be an issue at his age too so a nightlight and maybe a fave toy to 'stand guard' might help too.

Get some parenting books for that age range. See what works for you.

Having loser hubby around and not helping you reinforce things though...is going to undermine your progress with your sons bed times. Plus he's draining all your energy so you don't have it to spend on your son.

Plus, he's a dickhead who thinks he doesn't have to do his share in the home because its women's work. He actually laughs at you asking for him to do his share. He's a contemptuous jackass who thinks you're his own personal slave. He'll never change because he never developed empathy. He remained like a selfish child. That stuff doesn't fill in later in life.

Stop kissing his ass and washing his skiveys. Stop trying to make someone who disrespect you respect you. Respect yourself and show him the door.

@Pinkbonbon said it far more eloquently than me.

It’s not for everyone but with my daughter, I stayed in bed with her until she fell asleep. We did co-sleep. It took 10 minutes for her to fall asleep. She felt safe. I still got my long evenings.

She decided herself when she was ready for her own room and we’ve never pushed her. She still feels safe and secure.

No idea about your husband though, but more time together might help. It sounds like you’re all stressed and resentful.

Totally agree. Hope you're ok.

Nah don't give him a divorce for Christmas.

Get your ducks in a row, try speak with a few solicitors ASAP then give yourself a divorce.

Reinvigorating this thread for some advice. I've plodded along the last six months switching mentally between trying to hold things together and fantasising about leaving. I've made up my mind now that things need to end.. I'm so deeply unhappy and he will never change.

Any words of advice for how I discuss this with a man who struggles to have a direct conversation?

Don't bother. He knows you are unhappy. Just organise yourself.

Plan for the future. Line up your ducks. Work out how to do it.

Stop talking about a joint future.

Stop playing along and fixing things.

Say no a lot.

It's possible he'll actually notice and ask.

At some point there'll be a natural opportunity to say 'to be honest, I doubt we'll still be together by then.'

Your priority is making sure you and your DC are sorted, not having conversations with your DH - tbh it doesn't sound like he will engage anyway. Make your plans and then tell him what will be happening. If you wait to have a proper conversation you'll be there forever.

You don’t need to have a conversation. You just need to tell him that you want a divorce.

Please do this for yourself OP, don’t waste another year of your life living this way.

I did this when I was in a similar situation.
I sat him down and said something like

I'm really sad about having this conversation but we both know this relationship is not working any more and we are both unhappy.
We need to plan how to break up as kindly as possible , with minimum upset to the kids.

Do you think he would listen, though? It doesn’t sound like a conversation is going to help anything.

Make plans. Figure out who is leaving (him) and just sit him down and tell him - You know I’ve been unhappy for a very long time, I’ve told you again and again and you don’t care enough to do anything about it, so I’m done. This marriage is over and I need you to move out. There’s nothing you can say or do now, you’ve had your opportunities and you didn’t do anything about it.

Submit a divorce application online and tell him to look out for it in his inbox.

your reasons are absolutely valid. If youre unhappy make a change x

Make sure you have your financial ducks in a row and then just seek legal advice.

The only conversation you need to have with a man who ‘doesn’t do those conversations’ is to tell him that you’re sad and sorry but the marriage has come to an end. And that it would be in the children’s best interest if it was done whilst remaining respectful to each other and by both of you putting them first.

Im not surprised nothing changed for you since Christmas. Hes clueless and could keep going like this indefinitely as he can’t see what he’s doing wrong.

At least then you’ll be able to tick the box marked resentment off your list and start living again.

I've no experience in this scenario. How would OP make DH move out? Say if he says no... you move out. Are we sure he's not been pushing her away so she would leave and he stays in the comforts of the family home? Sounds like they earn the same and mortgage is doable on one salary, albeit tight.

Sounds like a solicitor is needed to advise here to navigate that part of the convo but the rest of it is simply, 'the marriage is over, I'm filing for divorce'.

Don’t discuss it. There’s nothing to discuss. Go to a solicitor for your free half hour and then start the divorce proceedings.

work out whether you want 50:50 or 80:20, etc. tell him how it’s going to be and then say he can contest it if he likes but it will cost time, effort and money.