How long did you try to reconcile for after an affair?

[BlushTeddy]

I posted a few weeks ago about finding the message my DH sent to the OW, two years after discovering his affair. (Thanks for all your support!)

We’ve taken steps to separate since then after it became apparent he still has feeling for her / had been pining after her for the full two years of our ‘reconciliation’, and no doubt would have continued had I not discovered the message.

I’ve been feeling so down about the time I’ve wasted and that I’ve basically been made a fool of again. For those who stayed after discovering an affair - did you eventually call it quits? How long did it take before you realised you were basically flogging a dead horse? Was there a moment when you realised it was definitely over?

I feel like I can see things so much more clearly now but I still just feel like an idiot! And in a way you feel like you have to stick it out if you stayed to make it ‘worth it’ and also what happened since wasn’t ’as bad’ as the initial affair discovery, so it’s confusing. I don’t know why I fought so hard when he quite clearly wasn’t as bothered as me… anyway I suppose I just wanted to know I wasn’t the only one!

Hi OP sending so much to love you 💗

I'm going through the exact same thing atm. We're trying . I'm finding it so difficult, it's so hard to trust him. I feel so naive : (

Hi - you too 😔 how long since you found out? What’s happened since? I know I should be comforted that I at least tried but some days I just hate myself for it and then question whether what’s happened recently was a big enough reason after all we went through trying to fix it!

Only a man could do something vile and the result end up being the woman that felt like an idiot.

You were a loyal, hard working, dedicated partner who tried as hard as she could to make her marriage work. The only idiot I see here is him. Move on, work on your new life, focus forward. Accept that you tried, congratulate yourself for your resilience and strength and go be happy. One day, if you want to, you’ll meet someone who actually deserves to have you as a partner.

Don't beat yourself up about making the effort to reconcile. I think it's best to try and for it to prove futile than regret not trying at all.

I guess I was lucky that it only took 2 months before discovering he was still fucking the OW.

Jesus. I’m so sorry. Did he even try?! I think sometimes they are unfaithful so that we have to be the bad guy and end things! Pathetic.

I don't honestly understand his reasons for going through the motions of counselling etc. And it was very weird when I made the second discovery. Literally showed zero emotion of any sort.

I wont pretend that I wasn't a mess at the time but it was a few years ago now, I've moved on and life is good. You will get there too.

No constructive advice op. Big hug though. You're very strong and you deserve better x

Thank you… I guess I just thought after 2 years we were over the worst and would be ok. Most stories I read about couples usually split in the aftermath. Two years feels like a long time for him to be faking reconciliation. It’s scary to think.

I remember your other thread.
For me it was a year. I found out he was having another affair and that was it for me. I thought we were trying but I was wrong. Fast forward another year and I had met someone else who I am now incredibly happily married to.
I think you deserve more.

He doesn't deserve one millisecond more of your air time. It will be a long and painful process till you find some peace and you may never get the closure you want, but just know you did nothing wrong. It was all him.

I guarantee you one day you'll get through the other side and you'll feel like superwoman.

You tried even if he was only pretending, so instead of beating yourself up for wasting your time or feeling like an idiot you should give yourself credit.

If you’d have split straight away you might have wondered ‘what if’ and been tempted to go back. At least you know you did all you could and you can move on now without any lingering feelings that you could have done more.

Be proud of yourself and never give yourself a hard time for doing what you thought was right at the time.

Those two years mean you will be able to move forward with regret, without thinking "did I throw it away too easily? did I take the easy way out ? Could it have worked if we'd have tried?" You can look into your heart and look into your kids eyes and say "I tried". Not that walking away two years ago would have been a wrong choice, rather look at the positives of the choice that you did make.

Statistically 70% of couples try to make it work after infidelity- only 30% break up straight away. Less than 15% of couples stay together five years after the infidelity (and that's just staying together not necessarily being happy together). You didn't waste two years, you said on your previous thread that you thought it was going quite well at times so there must have been some happy memories in those two years. You have also grown as a person and are stronger now than you were then. It could also have been so much longer. Regret a decade but not too years. You are not naive, you have no reason to feel foolish. There is absolutely nothing wrong in believing in the love you once shared and it having been so precious that you wanted to get that back. Just accept now that it took two years to allow that love to leave.

Here we go with the misogyny.

"without regret" I mean.

how?

Yes how?

I doubt he has done the work required to make himself safe. Unless he recognised and fixed the poor characteristics he has that allowed himself to act without integrity, to break his vows and sneak around he won’t be a good partner. Let him be someone else’s poor partner.

He is a coward with poor communication skills. Prepared to skulk around thinking woe is me. Rather than making a decision and choosing to put his all into it he is living a half life, sat the fence with a post up his arse. Push him off the fence.

Hold your head up high. Write down the values this experience has show you you have. Live your values each day.

Forgive yourself. You showed kindness, compassion and grace. You are practicing forgiveness. That’s not a fool. A fool lies and sneaks and pretends to live a life in public while pining secretly like a scene from a movie in private. He is Pathetic. Tell him he is free, go live his best life without you ‘holding him back’. (Clue only he is holding himself back).

Then live by your values and look after yourself like you’d take care of your best friend. Fake it until you make it if necessary. But your actions demonstrate a good person with good values. Focus on that - you are the prize. Cheaty Maccheatyson is definitely not a prize.

Lots of relationships break at 4/5 years when the betrayed clears their head and gets over the trauma. Trauma changes the way your brain works. Infidelity can cause PTSD. I am unsure how badly you were affected and what work you have done to heal.

While the betrayed is reeling and isn’t in full possession of their reality it’s hard to make a decision. Also the aftershocks the true extent of the damage is not apparent until a couple of years down the line. That damage being the constant reminders and realisation that your life was a lie. You cannot fix this. You have to start from scratch and see if you still like the ‘real’ person in front of you. You will then possibly realise you are settling.

Many people cannot reconcile well due to the cheaters poor characteristics. The ones that allowed him or her to turn to cheating and lying rather than talking. Dishonesty, poor coping mechanisms, sneakiness, addiction, control (not telling the full truth is them needing to be in control), rug sweeping, needing ego kibbles, external validation, selfishness etc. They aren’t good partner material. They often minimise what has gone on. How can you forgive if you don’t know what you are forgiving? Others struggle as fundamentally it’s a deal breaker due to their personality - which takes a time to recognise - due to trauma.

@FairyMaclary thank you for your posts. I thought I was slowly recovering from it all for the last two years but this has just highlighted how again even that has been based on a lie.

I asked him why he never admitted to how he felt about her at the time. He said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already had and he didn’t think it mattered as he’d decided to stay with me and he had put it aside. Still no recognition that this might have been an important fact for me to know when I decided to stay. The arrogance as well of the implication it was all up to him to decide astounds me.

it makes sense it would take a few years for the true damage to be revealed. I never considered it could be as long as 4 years. I felt after the first year things were ok, but I suppose at that point DH hadn’t slipped back into old habits and was still feeling some guilt. Not so much two years in, obviously! And I guess by then the cheating partner has already moved on, as they knew everything from the start. Their reality hasn’t been shattered. And the same problems just resurface. I just can’t get my head around the mindset that after everything he still made the decision to lie, like it only matters happening on the surface. Like he was still here so everything else was inconsequential.

At 2 years if he is doing the work you guys would probably be stable but still working hard. You would still talk about how it’s affecting you. He would feel remorse. He would check in how you are feeling.

Have you rugswept? It doesn’t and won’t work. Has he recognised why honesty and integrity are not his core values? Are they now? What changed? It’s okay if these aren’t his values but he needs to own it and allow you to make a decision. By not sharing he is in control. He has the facts and wants to be in control of the outcome. Why is that okay to him? Why is it okay to manipulate your truth? Why is he okay with stealing your time and your one precious life? If these types of things haven’t been discussed, why? Sometimes it’s because you want to be business as usual? Or are afraid to say to say it in case he goes. Or he is poor at communicating. But rugsweeping doesn’t work. He hasn’t formed new habits or really dug deep as to what allowed him to make poor choices. Why was he a shitbag? If he needed ego kibbles , why doesn’t he now? If he has low integrity or poor self esteem, why? ‘I felt unloved’ isn’t a reason. Or we never had sex. They aren’t reasons, just excuses. As I posted on another thread - the postman is reliable and honest (always on time and never steals my post) but shagging him will not fulfil your need for a reliable and honest partner. Your needs aren’t being met how will a hidden affair make your marriage better. It is nonsensical. It may give you ego kibbles and a dopamine fix while you feel like the dogs bollocks for a while but when you realise you gave away your honesty, integrity and word for a roll in the hay how do you feel? If integrity, honesty and loyalty are your true values - then you will feel terrible. You gave away YOUR values. You betrayed YOURSELF. If he hasn’t seen what values he gave away for a women who was prepared to be hidden from view (I think you said you knew her - so she was complicit) then you can’t reconcile. If he thinks they are star crossed lovers still after 2 years set him free. He isn’t worth your precious time.

I don’t cheat on my husband for ME. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with what I see. I said vows and they meant something to ME. My husband is my colateral damage. I stay faithful for ME.

Some adults don’t realise a relationship isn’t hearts, flowers, racing hearts and Disney. They think that is love. Stable, secure and content (no drama) means it isn’t love. They want the dopamine fix, it is addictive and why some people jump from 6 month relationship to 6 month relationship.

Look after yourself op. But remember you are the prize. Write your list of values and live by them each day. That will help you recover and trust yourself. You were gracious enough to give him a second chance. That says a lot about you. His choices say a lot about him. As a stranger looking in i don’t think your values, integrity and attitude to relationships align. I wish you well.

It's always then men doing the cheating and the women 'trying to forgive' and 'work on the marriage' isn't it?

I'm not sure I'm much help as I had my ex husband's bag packed when he arrived home from work on the day I found out about his affair. There was a one-off indiscretion 10 years previously, which I chose to move on from (I won't say forgive as I really don't think I ever did) and we did have 10 more mostly happy years and I'm glad we did, but if I'm honest, I never felt the same way about him again and from that point on became stronger and more independent, maybe subconsciously ready for the next time, when he had a full-blown affair.

I get wanting to do all you can to 'save' your marriage but you are not the one who ruined it in the first place and one person cannot make a marriage work. He left the marriage before you even knew.

I hope now you can begin the healing process. It's not easy but 6 years down the line I am calm and content and I don't think I ever was in my marriage.

Glad to hear you are doing better. What did he do initially if you don’t mind me asking? A one night stand?

weirdly I might have found it easier to justify leaving if DH was ‘actively’ cheating again. He doesn’t seem to have done but the emotional infidelity is just as painful.

Great post @FairyMaclary .

He says it was just a drunken kiss. I have no idea if that’s true or if it was more.

I thought i had quoted "WorriedMum231" she said, "Only a man could do something vile".
That's a misogynistic generalisation.