How long did you try to reconcile for after an affair?

[BlushTeddy]

I posted a few weeks ago about finding the message my DH sent to the OW, two years after discovering his affair. (Thanks for all your support!)

We’ve taken steps to separate since then after it became apparent he still has feeling for her / had been pining after her for the full two years of our ‘reconciliation’, and no doubt would have continued had I not discovered the message.

I’ve been feeling so down about the time I’ve wasted and that I’ve basically been made a fool of again. For those who stayed after discovering an affair - did you eventually call it quits? How long did it take before you realised you were basically flogging a dead horse? Was there a moment when you realised it was definitely over?

I feel like I can see things so much more clearly now but I still just feel like an idiot! And in a way you feel like you have to stick it out if you stayed to make it ‘worth it’ and also what happened since wasn’t ’as bad’ as the initial affair discovery, so it’s confusing. I don’t know why I fought so hard when he quite clearly wasn’t as bothered as me… anyway I suppose I just wanted to know I wasn’t the only one!

What do you think misogynistic means?

Lots of great stuff from @FairyMaclary . There’s no reconciliation without the unfaithful partner showing remorse, honesty and doing a lot of work to understand what it was about the that led to their cheating and their being ok with everything that entailed.
I echo that you can’t forgive what you don’t know the full story about. There’s no healing without the full truth, he withheld and fudged the issue, lying all the way. So sorry @BlushTeddy.

About 15 months from discovering the emotional affair and 8 months after finding out they’d subsequently slept together. He was supposedly trying to work on our marriage and I gave it my everything but the final straw was him actually telling me he was going away with the OW. I ended it then.

Looking back I can see he wasn’t truly trying but at the time I wanted to believe he was. I’m a year on now and finally starting to find peace and recognise that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you question every little thing they do. It hasn’t been an easy path to get here and I ended up being signed off work for three months with anxiety/depression at the back end of last year. Whilst part of me wishes I’d left sooner (and so made peace earlier) I’m content now and accept I did what was right for me at the time.

You will do what is right for you, everyone’s journey is different.

So very sorry @IDidNothingWrong. It is so hard to move on, put the life you thought you knew behind you and having the energy and enthusiasm to make a different life.

Reading about the abuse, ptsd and sheer heartache that comes hand in hand with infidelity, I feel those that stray rather than act respectfully and end their marriages first, should be branded on the forehead. A sign to warn others of their lack of integrity and dishonest nature. I'd like all those that stray to end up old and alone, regretting every selfish move they made to cake eat like low life scum. However, it is always the innocent party that has to not only shoulder all the hurt pick up the pieces, manage the children and financially struggle etc etc.

Respect to all the 💪women out there getting up and doing this daily after ridding themselves of those not worthy of them.

How are things @BlushTeddy?

I rug swept 6 cheating over a decade and then felt I had to try reconcile during and after his affair. Within 6 months he slept with someone else multiple times. I was an idiot for forgiving the first one but I was in love and scared of being alone. I've learnt a lot and I've realised there is no point wishing I had done things different. I didn't and I have to accept that. I was with him my entire adult life

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if you see or follow the thread you can see I corrected myself . thanks

I am a few years post . We are still together and to be honest I feel like our relationship improved and is better than ever .

That being said , if I discovered he had done it again- or anything along the lines ( a kiss , a text etc ) that would be it. We worked so hard and it would be hard to believe he didn’t mean anything he said or did during reconciliation but the way I would see it is that he saw all my pain after it happened . It’s not an excuse but I really don’t think I men think about the affect on their betrayed partner when they are cheating - but after it’s been discovered and they see that pain there is no excuse, they know how much it hurt you and they saw that raw , overwhelming pain . To then do something again knowing full well they risk putting you through that again ? Completely unforgivable.

So the big question is woud you have liked someone to tell you your DH was having an affair and would you have believed them?

@mlo00678
it might be better to start your own thread.
But of course tell the person. You can’t control if they believe you - why does that change whether you tell them?

If my mum/dad, sister/brother, best friend, acquaintance was at risk of a life changing STD due to a philandering partner then yes I would tell them. I may lose that person due to my actions however if they later found out I knew about the affair I may also lose them!

I certainly don’t want to become a liar pretending I didn’t know when I did know.
Or sit in their company pretending dicktastic Dave is a marvellous husband. I’d struggle to do that. So for me I’d have to speak up. I’m not being complicit in Dave’s lying.

The friend may think I’m a liar but I would know I’d done the right thing. I’d be angry that Dave put me in this position.

This is why cheaters are selfish it doesn’t just affect the spouse. It affects so many people. Horrid.

I wouldn't have believed them without the evidence. I knew they were friends.

Nearly 2 years post emotional affair and we are doing OK. It's hard some things are better, we do more together and talk, she is not a 'friend' anymore. I have lost weight, look as fabulous as you can at my age & only do 50% of the life load.

Sometimes I feel like an actor in my life doing what I have to work/kids/life sometimes I can feel real.
I have turned into someone I dont recognise, I made sure her lovely kind Christian mum found out. The OW deserved it, the mum not so much.
😕I wanted to cause pain & that will have ticked that box.

Only a man could do something vile and the result end up being the woman that felt like an idiot.

Not true, I've recently discovered my wife's affair...5 months ago.
I also feel like an idiot, it's a natural response to anyone that's been cheated on,
This is her second, the first was 25 years ago.
She knows she fucked up and I owe her nothing, however I love her and we have 4 children together, we will continue to work on our marriage, things had become a little stale and she was struggling with alcoholism,
No excuses but there are always things that contribute to unfaithfull behavior, mostly it's selfishness, I believe a marriage should always be saved if it can, but I don't fault anyone for leaving and unfaithfull partners either, it's going to be hard either way but iv seen people come through it and be better than ever, iv also seen it not work, depends on the hearts and the work they put into it.