How long did you try to reconcile for after an affair?

[BlushTeddy]

I posted a few weeks ago about finding the message my DH sent to the OW, two years after discovering his affair. (Thanks for all your support!)

We’ve taken steps to separate since then after it became apparent he still has feeling for her / had been pining after her for the full two years of our ‘reconciliation’, and no doubt would have continued had I not discovered the message.

I’ve been feeling so down about the time I’ve wasted and that I’ve basically been made a fool of again. For those who stayed after discovering an affair - did you eventually call it quits? How long did it take before you realised you were basically flogging a dead horse? Was there a moment when you realised it was definitely over?

I feel like I can see things so much more clearly now but I still just feel like an idiot! And in a way you feel like you have to stick it out if you stayed to make it ‘worth it’ and also what happened since wasn’t ’as bad’ as the initial affair discovery, so it’s confusing. I don’t know why I fought so hard when he quite clearly wasn’t as bothered as me… anyway I suppose I just wanted to know I wasn’t the only one!

I thought i had quoted "WorriedMum231" she said, "Only a man could do something vile".
That's a misogynistic generalisation.

"Only a man could do something vile".
That's a misogynistic generalisation, I know women who have done just this and some worse but I wouldn't out it on their gender as the reason.

I tried for 2 years. I had too much resentment, and whilst I didnt say or make it obvious, my brain was a constant stream of reminders, putting 2 and 2 together and how could yous. I wasnt myself anymore, I was paranoid but didnt want to show it - he wasnt remorseful so it wouldnt have been met with reassurance. I still love him but I couldnt live with the betrayal.

Well technically it’s misandrist… 😅 but I agree that a lot of the time it tends to be men. But not always!

It’s amazing how much you have to bury sometimes to get through. I just don’t get how he sat there in marriage counselling knowing full well he still loved her and just… pretended.

did you stick it out thinking you’d know by the two year mark? It seems that two years is when people say ‘things should be relatively back to normal’. Ie the initial shock is over… but I guess quite often cheater slip back into old habits by then too…

I think at the two year point an impatient cheater is fed up of his spouse ‘not being over it’ and it not being back to normal. The betrayed has only just found their footing and stabilised from the trauma. They are now starting to look at the real person in front of them. Cheaters don’t get it, hence they resorted to cheating not talking or acting with integrity in the first place.

@BlushTeddy

I didnt give it a time frame. I still loved him but I began to dislike him by the end of the two years. Theres a name for it but theres almost a hysteria in the beginning that you just want them back, then that lifts.

If he would be walking around the house or driving, Id look at him and just think 'how could you have done that? Its so against all my morals and the way I carry myself, why am I fucking sitting here suffering because you cant control yourself'. He also said if it was the other way around it would have been over.

I found myself trying so hard to be EXTRA loveable, EXTRA sexy, EXTRA attentive so he wouldnt cheat again. And he wasnt trying anything. My life didnt even make sense, he made the mistake but IM the one trying more. He didnt cheat because of me. He cheated because of him.
It genuinely traumatised me so much that I still dont feel myself.

He would never had made changes if I did ask, so he carried on as normal while I was in constant distress. It felt torturous in all honesty. I felt like by taking him back I had to just shut up and put up. He deserves to sleep around in peace if thats what makes him happy and I deserve peace, the only way that could happen was to split up.

I dont wish him bad but he broke me to the absolute core.

I’m so sorry, I totally get it. We didn’t exactly have the hysterical bonding thing but I constantly compared myself to OW and tried to be ‘better’. I guess it helps you to feel a sense of control over the whole thing?

I guess your husband thought during the time leading up to the split it was all fine? Or at least better than it was as the initial ‘trauma’ was over. My DH seemed to just take it for granted I would always stay.

@BlushTeddy

He had the hysterical bonding thing at first I just fell into a depression and didnt talk for weeks - i feel like my bonding thing came when we were back together. he tried hard to get me back but once I was back, nothing was different. And yes omg comparing yourself to the other woman. What a way to kill your own soul a little bit more! I still feel sick when I hear thag name. God knows how many others I didnt know about!

Yes he was oblivious because I didnt let on I felt any of the things I felt. I wanted to be blaise and nonchalant alongside not feeling like I had a right.. most stupidly of all, i didnt want to be a nag and go on about it and push him away.

Its up there with one of cruelest things someone can do IMO. I hope we all heal x

bloody me, literally knew what i meant and I posted the word 3 times lol I should change my coffee supplier. 😂

😂 easily done! Yes women can be just as bad when it comes to cheating!

glad someone sees it, happened to me so it's paining when someone just bashes down men as if they are the only ones capable of being d-heads in this way.

Good eve

Of course it’s not just men, but I know of A LOT more women who have been on the receiving end of affairs and had to rebuild their lives or “try and make it work” than men.

Yes, I tried for 4 years since first discovery, all the while he was continuing to be a serial cheat etc. I eventually knew I'd done everything I could and knew I needed to end it. I was on the floor with no self worth. We are now divorced and my life is so much better than I could have ever imagined.

For the whole four years? So sorry. I just don’t understand why they dont just leave.

‘and…’ quote the whole sentence.

Do you know what misogyny means, because you’ve used it incorrectly.

Go and fight your cause on a post that warrants it because that’s not what this thread is about.

I am working through betrayal trauma too. Its really hard. We are a year out. The podcast helping couples heal has been good for us.

My DH also set up marriage counselling after I discovered his affair, then continued contact whilst he was ‘trying’ to make his marriage work.

I look at him now and I don’t recognise the person he has become. The affair has apparently ended and he is desperately trying to make the marriage work. But I don’t feel the same now, how can I?

I want to give it a try but he’s hurt me so much I just don’t think I can get past it. Obviously I don’t trust him either so I don’t feel like I really know if it’s stopped. His protestations about wanting to be a better person and never put me through it again are too late.

I hate that he’s done this to me. It’s devastating.

@FPCculture has been corrected by the OP and acknowledged that she used the wrong word.

I stayed for two years - but out of guilt because I was the one who had the affair. I should not have had an affair and I should have left long before I did.

He wanted to keep the marriage going. I couldn't.

But they were talking directly to me so I responded.

Was the OM a factor would you say, or presumably by then it was just clear it wasn’t working anyway?

I wonder if DH hadn’t still had feelings for the OW if we would have eventually gotten over the affair. But I guess that’s not really the main issue. The issue was his continued lying.

Misandry on your part and your ignorance have been reported.

I’m ok with that.

Did anyone manage it and forget completely