He left me...Mumsnet was right

[dontknowhow2feela]

He left me.

I offered a break or an open relationship. He refused. This is true love. He never felt like this about me. He’s not like other men who leave their wives for trivial reasons, this is REAL!

I told him I wouldn’t wait around. He is pleased. He cares about me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He is powerless.

He told me he had no regrets. I laughed. Of course not! It’s only been six weeks. If there are regrets, it will be later.

Our kids struggled. Helping them navigate was rough…really rough...the roughest. I had to be a strong as I’ve ever been. They think he is a selfish idiot.

Fast forward:

I met someone - it was fast but I was ready. He is amazing 🥰

I went back to uni, I’m a student again.

My life is incredible. I'm very happy.

And his life?

She left him.

I hope it was gentle.

I wish him no ill.

He is alone…

But in your previous thread you basically said that for many years, you couldn't stand your husband even hugging you in bed, and that you weren't into it when he tried to rekindle your sex life. So I'm not sure why you were bitter about him leaving. I'm not surprised he didn't want 'a break' or 'an open relationship' because that's messy for you both and unlikely to appeal to many other potential partners.

Gloating about him being 'alone' is just weird, to be honest. I'm glad you're happy with your own life, and that you've met someone you like, and that you're studying again. But ultimately, you were fully aware for years that your marriage was dead as a doornail and you weren't receptive when your husband tried to make an effort, so it's honestly not unreasonable of him to leave. It would have been reasonable for you to leave him for exactly the same reasons. There's a really unpleasant tone to this, in the context of your other threads.

Yep, I’ve read the other thread now.
You were relieved when he ended it. You were already checked out of the marriage.
It sounds like he latched onto the other woman, as an exit route.

I think you’ll find he may be happier now too. I’m glad for both of you.

Aren't you a happy soul. Jesus

Gloating about him being 'alone' is just weird, to be honest.

I don't think it's remotely weird in the context of a marriage that broke down because the husband felt that his manly love machine self was too much to share with only one person.

If the marriage had failed because he wanted to channel Greta Garbo, that would be different.

You got a lot from "He is alone..." I see.

An Elvis song about a gentleman regretting his actions

@Gunnersforthecup Eeek never heard that song before! He’s definitely not a candidate for reconciliation! All woe is me. The words are bloody awful and so self centred, are we meant to feel sorry for him or think he is a tosser?

He says his ow has no pride, pot calling kettle. He has no integrity and poor judgement. It’s awful.

There's no need for me to be bitter or to gloat. There never has been. I was devastated at the effect on our family but it was mixed with relief. I at least knew where I stood then. I’d been desperate for him to gain some insight but when he allowed himself to fall in love with someone else, it was clear he was not going to do that whilst with me - no matter how much we still cared for each other.

We were both culpable. When I withdrew for the last few years I put in as much effort as he did. I just felt more responsible because we were both used to me putting in a lot more. He really was very thoughtless much of the time but only gained awareness of that after the split. I on the other hand am well aware of my shortcomings!

It seems to be 'alone' which people are finding distasteful. It's a statement of fact, not a judgement. Being lonely is different from being alone. I was lonely in my marriage for a long time. I suspect he was too. I don't know if he's lonely now. I hope not.

This made me laugh 😂

Listened to Elvis and have been contemplating. Thanks Gunners and whilst I agree FairyM, there’s some truth in it.

At the time I felt I had it easier and still do. As was mentioned by a pp, he has to live with the effects and the shame (not me deciding he should be ashamed before I’m slammed, he says he’s ashamed 🤷‍♀️)

Otoh, I would have used what we had to re-build because honestly, we had enough if he’d have bought into it. I don’t have to carry the same weight and feel no regrets (someone should write a song about that)

I also think having to enter a future new relationship and say ‘I split with my spouse because I cheated’ is going to be very hard. He could flower it up but many women will see through the smoke. And the alternative is to lie to your new partner or downplay your actions. I imagine it limits peoples options and dating choices.

With age and life experience if I dated a chap and then found out he had cheated on his wife I wouldn’t see them again. I’d have gambled in my early 20s. But now I’m older and have read more I feel life is too short for such nonsense and taking a gamble on someone with a proven track record.

Leaving a long term marriage and saying you were faithful for 20 years despite being unhappy at times says a lot about someone’s character. I know which one I’d prefer to date.

So I agree op he does have to live with his choices and yes you do have it easier (although you probably didn’t feel it at the time). I am glad you are in a good place.

Absolutely right. By heck, how turgid is OP's post. The creative writing classes failed miserably.

PS: I think I've seen the film....

I think that what the song is about, is 2 people who have a fling. He is married with kids and she isn't. He is blinded by the idea that this new infatuation is love and throws away everything in pursuit of it. He doesn't realise what he is throwing away and later, he regrets it.

But the person who, supposedly, has it "easy" is not the wronged wife, but the other woman who has more options and who is not committed. The OW has suggested he goes back to the wife, now that the affair is over; but there is too much water under the bridge to do that.

I agree, the guy is completely in the wrong and has made his own bed etc but the song intrigued me, as you don't often hear that perpective of regret in lyrics, and it is well expressed. And beautifully sung by Elvis, of course.

It would be interesting to hear the perspective of the women in the situation!

Don't tell me...you're studying creative writing? 😂

Great news though, I'm glad you're happy after what sounds like a traumatic time.

Hi, OP. I went back and read the entire thread from when your marriage ended. You write amazingly well and articulate your feelings so clearly. I admire how you handled the breakdown of your marriage with such calm maturity. Your update is interesting—hardly surprising she has gone. You don’t seem like the type to need or want to gloat and I didn’t read it that way at all.

What is WRONG with people? I enjoyed this post a lot. It felt good to read. Because to hell with them and their b.s., and hanging onto some man with the same old story.
I’m so glad you found a new life, OP.

bunch of cranky people on here sometimes, my goodness

The sad thing is that he isn't the person Op thought he was. Because else he wouldn't have cheated, he'd have had better morals. It's hard and painful when you realise someone isn't who you thought they were because then you realise that you yourself weren't such a good judge of character as you thought and that's a hard lesson.

Jenny Jenny or someone else please link to the old thread.

6th post on page 1

What other thread? I don't see a link.

12/12/2023 05:09