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Original poster

A married man has just asked me for a coffee....

70 replies

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:18

I know him, he's my old window cleaner and a friend of my abusive exh. He helped us with something major when we got married (won't specify what) and I've always thought he was one of the good guys - without knowing him too well.

I messaged him a few weeks ago to ask him to add me to his window rounds as I don't like my current window cleaner. He used to do my house with exh and he's good at his job and also a decent guy...or so I thought.

Anyway, as I said, I messaged him - nothing in it. He replied that he was out go work at the moment with a dodgy knee and had an operation but he would do it when he was back up and running again.

He's since messaged me a couple to times to ask how I am as he knows exh. He isn't the only one to do this - exh has really put me through it and people have been in touch. I replied with that I was fine - just small talk and thought nothing more of it. He is married after all.

Tonight he's messaged again asking if I am ok. However I've had a fair few messages this weekend as exh showed his new gf on social media so I thought nothing of it.

I replied with 'I'm fine thanks, hope you're well'.

His response was 'do you fancy meeting for a coffee sometime?'

I haven't replied and I'm not going too.

I can't figure it out. He seems a decent guy that I thought was happily married. I don't know why he would ask me for coffee....unless it's exh that has something to do with it!

I'm honestly thinking he is somehow behind all of this. I've recently found out that me and his new gf overlapped. He spent the last few months of our marriage accusing me of cheating when he was doing it all along.

I can't help but think this could be some sort of test. Equally - the window cleaner is a nice guy, I don't think he would do that. Equally though, if it's not a test, I don't know why he would ask me out for a coffee.

I must sound absolutely bonkers to you all but exh played so many mind games, I can't help but think he's involved!

OP posts:
Bicorne · 11/12/2023 18:23

I go for coffee or drinks with married men on a regular basis. (I’m also married.) They’re some of my closest friends. All friendships start with someone asking someone if they want to do something together. Only you can say, based on how well you know this man, and what you make of him, whether it’s an incipient friendship, or one you’d like to pursue? Though it seems unlikely if he’s still friends with your unpleasant ex…?

Mamette · 11/12/2023 18:25

Just block him and get a different window cleaner.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:27

Bicorne · 11/12/2023 18:23

I go for coffee or drinks with married men on a regular basis. (I’m also married.) They’re some of my closest friends. All friendships start with someone asking someone if they want to do something together. Only you can say, based on how well you know this man, and what you make of him, whether it’s an incipient friendship, or one you’d like to pursue? Though it seems unlikely if he’s still friends with your unpleasant ex…?

This did cross my mind too.

It's hard because I've trapped in a controlling marriage where I don't know what is and isn't ok anymore. I've spent the last 2 years walking on egg shells making sure exh knows there isn't anyone else.

Maybe he is just concerned for me. I don't know.

I can't do it anyway, if it got back to exh that I'd met him for an innocent coffee as friends....it's not worth the hell it would cause.

OP posts:
UrghAnotherOne · 11/12/2023 18:28

If you don't want to go for coffee with him, "Thanks for the offer but I just want my windows cleaned!" will suffice.

if you think you have stuff to talk about, and would like to go, then go: going for coffee does not = affair.

I would be worried that he was trying to get some kind of info out of you, so he can report back to your ex.

category12 · 11/12/2023 18:30

I'd totally judge him by the company he keeps - I'd expect him to have similar attitudes to women/relationships as your ex.

So whether it's some sort of test as a proxy of your ex or him trying it on himself, I wouldn't respond to it. Even if there's no ulterior motive, I don't think any good can come of it.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:32

UrghAnotherOne · 11/12/2023 18:28

If you don't want to go for coffee with him, "Thanks for the offer but I just want my windows cleaned!" will suffice.

if you think you have stuff to talk about, and would like to go, then go: going for coffee does not = affair.

I would be worried that he was trying to get some kind of info out of you, so he can report back to your ex.

It just shows how much my trust has been knocked. I need to be very careful going forward.

He has a new girlfriend as mentioned but he is absolutely desperate for me to have someone else so it makes me look not as bad.

He's just sent me another message saying he promises there's nothing weird about it. I do think he's a nice guy that maybe just cares. He's did really help us out when we got married.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/12/2023 18:40

He's just sent me another message saying he promises there's nothing weird about it. I do think he's a nice guy that maybe just cares. He's did really help us out when we got married.

Yeah, I think that makes it weirder 😂

Just say "thanks anyway, but don't think it's a good idea." or something. Too many blokes would see you as an opportunity as newly out of a relationship.

gannett · 11/12/2023 18:43

A coffee doesn't mean going all-in on a friendship or anything else. You don't need to predict anything.

Yes, there's a possibility it'll get weird if you go. At that point you can end it, leave and not see him again. Or it might not get weird and he might just be looking out for you. No need to cross a bridge before you know what it is.

category12 · 11/12/2023 18:45

Or you could say "would be nice to meet up with you and [wife's name] some time".

That'd test out whether he's being friendly or thinking of something else.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:49

Well i replied with a nice polite message saying 'no thank you' and I explained a small amount of what has happened to me just lately and that I don't have any interest in going for coffee even if it isn't anything weird.

He replied with 'ok well I'd of love to have taken you out xxx'

3 kisses. Weird. Just no.

OP posts:
TheMiddleLight · 11/12/2023 18:56

He's playing mind games too. Birds of a feather. Just by this thread alone, I've changed my mind about him 3 times and now I'm stuck with this one. If you're questioning someone that much, it isn't worth it.

At first I thought nope absolutely not. He's married and friends with your abusive ex. Then I read further and thought maybe he just cares and wants to offer words of encouragement or support or something. Maybe he's not friends with him anymore. Then his last message, yep mind games. Creep. He's married...unless he's separated and wants to let you know.

Either way I wouldn't pursue this further and I'd be using a different window cleaner to avoid any complicated incidents. Block and never contact again.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 18:58

Don't make assumptions. Equally, don't meet for coffee with a married man especially as the idea makes you uncomfortable.

I have had coffees with male friends at work who have been married or in LTRs.
It's in full view of everyone but I'm not so comfortable outside of work.

Just in my experience men ask this because:
-Want my company and attention because of needed ego boost or feeling emotionally lonely in their relationship
-They have a crush but would never actually act on it
-They are chasing for an affair
-They are naive and just do this all the time

I always like to call stuff out in the hope of self reflection and an explanation but typically all I ever got is denial due to embarrassment. So although I wish I knew why this guy has asked you and I want to tell you to just ask him, IMO he's unlikely to say.

I would text back and politely decline. At most put "? No I don't think that would be appropriate. Happy for you to have the window cleaning work if you want it though!"
It keeps things clean on your side and you're not buying into any potential drama or even thinking about it. I know how uncomfortable it must be with the ex and I get why you think he might be spying or something. Could be. Assume nothing at all and try to forget all those people.

That's just my two cents and my perspective!

27icey · 11/12/2023 18:59

Seen your update. Your spider sense were right OP. Yuk. Bin him off.

category12 · 11/12/2023 19:00

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:49

Well i replied with a nice polite message saying 'no thank you' and I explained a small amount of what has happened to me just lately and that I don't have any interest in going for coffee even if it isn't anything weird.

He replied with 'ok well I'd of love to have taken you out xxx'

3 kisses. Weird. Just no.

Yep, sniffing round, thought so.

Have you done the Freedom Programme or anything like that, if you're recently out of an abusive relationship? It might be good to have some support of that sort?

DatingDinosaur · 11/12/2023 19:02

“he's my old window cleaner and a friend of my abusive exh”

I would either do as category12 suggests or just decline. I’m leaning towards decline because, bearing in mind he’s a friend of your abusive ex, for all you know, your ex might have asked him to keep tabs on you – and not for good reasons – if your ex was accusing you of cheating, he could use it as leverage to cause a shit storm about you meeting for coffee with his mate, a married man.

Find a new window cleaner. Block your ex on your SM and change your privacy settings so him and anyone connected with him can’t see your posts. Draw a line under anything to do with your ex (including messaging this bloke) and then move on with your life.

I get that getting friendly messages from a friendly bloke can be a lovely thing if you’re feeling a bit unlovable but I’d be wary of an ulterior motive in this case.

lndnbrdge91 · 11/12/2023 19:02

Agree with @Firefly2009 bullet points about most men's motivation for this. It sounds like you just aren't ready to be socialising with him. I think the polite no and stepping back is the right thing to do

DatingDinosaur · 11/12/2023 19:03

I've just read your update @OP. Yeah, swerve. U-turn and floor it in the other direction. He's up to no good.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 19:08

@category12 yes I've done the freedom programme! It's amazing, the best thing I've ever done.

OP posts:
Olika · 11/12/2023 19:13

After his xxx response just don't entertain his attention. If you really have to he can clean your Robbie's but be prepared that he will try again.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 19:15

Honestly this just puts me off men even more.

Just to point out, i have never liked him in that way. And I would never ever interfere with anyone's marriage or relationship ever. I just through he was a genuinely good guy that was good at cleaning windows. He comes across as happily married.

He's sent me another message with 'sorry x'

Eurgh. I don't want to be in a new relationship anytime soon at all but I think I'll be single forever if this is what it's like these days.

I feel like I've been locked inside my exh world forever but if this is want the outside is like then I don't like this either!

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 19:18

OMG just read your update, I hadn't seen that. The unbelievable cheek and shamelessness of some men. I wouldn't communicate with him at all, ever again. Especially as he's still texting with a "x" after you've said no; alarm bells for me. And definitely find a different window cleaner!

DatingDinosaur · 11/12/2023 19:19

"I feel like I've been locked inside my exh world forever but if this is want the outside is like then I don't like this either!"

He's connected with your exh so this will feel like that.

The outside (of your ex) world isn't all like this but you do have to trust your instincts and have the courage to follow them when something feels off.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2023 19:26

OP. Be prepared in case he just turns up at your house offering to clean the windows anyway. Like, thanks... I've got a new window cleaner and paid in advance or something of that nature and I'm on my way out etc... so that you can get rid of him.
Don't be swayed by the fact he was helpful in the past. That was due to his friendship with your ex - you don't owe him anything.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 19:37

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/12/2023 19:26

OP. Be prepared in case he just turns up at your house offering to clean the windows anyway. Like, thanks... I've got a new window cleaner and paid in advance or something of that nature and I'm on my way out etc... so that you can get rid of him.
Don't be swayed by the fact he was helpful in the past. That was due to his friendship with your ex - you don't owe him anything.

Oh ffs...I hope not. My house is covered in cameras thanks to exh so I will be able to see if he does.

He's out of work for a while though but I'll bare it in mind for the future

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 19:41

If you have cameras at your house then I would try to forget this guy. People dish out so much nonsense and I think you've dealt with enough of that!

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